You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. CLVII

    Part time tramp looking for fun – w4m

    Well I just thought I’d check out this site. I’m an animal lover, I ike cats. I have a great relationship with my family and that’s important to me. I enjoy softball, touch football, bowling, & riding my mountain bike. I also like concerts, museums, movies, and trying out new restaurants. I’m looking for someone who enjoys life and loves travel and adventure. I workout and appreciate someone who takes care of their body. Someone who is intelligent and caring is at the top of my list–and a great kisser is just icing on the cake.Anyway I’m not really good at this stuff if you want to know more just shoot me and email.

    BF sends this one along, pointing out that it is (mostly) fine for a personal ad, except that it was posted in “Casual Encounters”.

    “I might be wrong,” he says, “but people who are looking in ‘casual encounters’ probably don’t care that you ‘ike cats’, care about your family, or like concerts, museums, movies, and trying out new restaurants.”

    Also, he’s wondering about the “part time tramp” thing. “What is she the rest of the time?” he wonders. I think it’s perfectly clear …

    I’ve always thought that that movie was a metaphor for the dualism of human nature. Oh wait, sorry, I meant Weekend at Bernie’s II.

    Anyway, BF also wonders about the last sentence; she admits that she’s not really good at this, but is it really necessary to shoot her first and then email her?

    Thanks for the submission, BF!

  • YSaC, Vol. CLII

    man looking for a female friend – m4w – 32

    Hi. I am a 32 year old married man looking for some female friends. Yep, thats right, friends.. Through email or phone or in person, I’d like some females to get to know. I like a little of all kinds of movies and music. I enjoy playing basketball and soccer and to workout (with weights mostly). I am asking for female friends since I have plenty of male friends around, and I feel a little more comfortable with females.

    Well, take care and I hope I may hear from you sometime!

    If you’re married and you’d like to get to know a female, how about starting with …  I don’t know … maybe your wife? (I’m hearing Dana Carvey’s “Church Lady” voice in my head when I say that. That kind of scares me.)

    The “I feel more comfortable with females” thing doesn’t quite justify it, either. Nope, to me this reads like the start of a slippery slope to this.

    Let’s take bets. I’m betting this guy was married at 25, and this is the seven-year itch.

  • YSaC, Vol. CXXXVI

    DAMN RIGHT…. I ALREADY KNOW – 29

    IF UR ELEGANT,SEXY& INTELLIGENT,IF UR CONSIDERED A DIME FELINE,THEN POSTING IS FOR U, CAUSE UR THE REASON IM ON CL AT THIS TIME. IF UR DANGEROUSLY FLAVORISH,SO FLY THAT ONCE SEEN MY EYES WOULD SAVOR IT,WHERE THERE ONCE WAS HESITATION,IM DONE WITH ALL THE PLAYIN,NOW IM CONIDERING LOOKING FOR U AS MY ONLY FAVORITE. IM FINDING MYSELF WANTING THAT PERFECT MATCH,U KNOW WHERE OUR HEARTS & SOUL BEGIN 2 MATCH & HONESTLY HONEYDROP PLEASE TELL ME WHATS “EFFIN” WITH THAT? ON A MISSION 2 BUILD WITH U ON SOME REAL “S**T, SOME HEARTFELT & POSITIVE ISSUES, USING TRANQUILITY & STABILITY TO CARESS UR SPIRITUAL,B4 EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE PHYSICAL.BECAUSE THEN R CONNECTION WILL B A REFLECTION OF MY CONSTANT & STEADY STRIVIN, SO THAT U WILL KNOW THAT IVE NEVER STOPPED REALIZIN,THAT U TRULY R & ALWAYS WILL B 2 ME ,MY PRINCESS CUT DIAMOND.SO UNTIL I CAN USE MY VOCAL ORGANISM,I HOPE IVE LEFT U WITH JUST A HINT OF MY SINCERE MAGNETISM,ILL END THIS POSTING SINCERE & COMPLETED STR8T FROM THE HEART WITH ZERO HYPOCRITICAL SENTENCES,JUST A REFLECTION OF MY HEART & WHAT IM ABOUT,IN CLOSING JUST WHAT MY TRUE ESSENCE IS.IF THIS POSTING SPEAKS 2 U & UR FEELING THIS,PLEASE LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.{ ME & U AGAINST THE WORLD BABY!!!}

    Blondie submits this saying, “Um. I think he’s trying to rhyme. I think. What’s a dime feline?”

    Well, Blondie … Someone with the name Dime Feline is on Facebook, and from the one picture I can see she looks “dangerously flavorish.” Perhaps we have a match? Maybe he could consider looking for her as his only favorite? (There might be others, but they obviously wouldn’t be his favorites.)

    Unfortunately, it says she’s in NY, and our prospective paramour was in the South, so that’s going to be a problem; after all, he wants to use his “vocal organism.” [I’m not even sure if that’s legal.] So it looks as though my attempts at matchmaking are for naught.

    But at least there are zero hypocritical sentences, even if that doesn’t quite rhyme with “essence is”. That’s a better rhyme than “strivin”, “realizin” and “diamond”, anyway.

    And it’s a darn sight better than the people who just want to cheat on their wives.

    Thanks for the submission, Blondie!

  • YSaC, Vol. IC

    I need a girl

    I’ve been so busy with school work that I haven’t had time to go out there and meet the ladies so am here for a little help. I need a girl who likes to be friends and wants to have fun. I know I can please you. Am 6ft 2in, athletic and just about 200lbs. Am not looking for an online friend. I’d like to meet you at Starbucks, a bookstore, the mall or some other public place you like. I would love to leave my tell no here but my add will be flagged so My AIM Screenname is XXXXXXXXXXX. You can email or Im me and we’ll figure out how to meet. Thanks.

    Overall, not bad, but I’d prefer to date a man with a head.

    (Oh, stop it! You know I mean a cranium, with a brain inside it.)

    I guess if you like the Headless Horseman-type, though, this guy could be the real, um, package.

    Submitted by Ann — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. XXVIII

    not sure how to word this – m4w – 29

    like the title says, not sure how to word this.

    I’m looking for a girl who wants more in her sex life. I guess thats what I’m looking for. I’ve been married for a few years now, but our sex life seems dull and lacking.

    are you in the same position?

    Maybe we could help each other out. obviously must be discrete.

    Here, let me help you figure out how to word that:

    I want to cheat on my wife with someone who will do the freaky things she won’t do.

    Does that help?

    And damn it, it’s discreet. Why do so many people misspell that one?

  • YSaC, Vol. XXIV

    Free Rent for the Right Female

    I need you to take care of the house with occasional bedroom romps (about three a week)

    You get your own room and bath.

    I have two small outdoor/indoor young dogs.

    Alcohol and 420 are OK. No other drugs.

    Ew. This can’t be a good idea.

    Also, the math just doesn’t add up. Let’s say the going rate is $100/hr for, um, services. (I have no idea what the going rate is, by the way.) That would be about $300 per week, or $1200 per month, that he’s not paying for those particular services … not to mention the “take care of the house” bit. That’s really a lot to, um, put out in exchange for rent.

    And you know that it’s going to be more than three times a week.

    Ew.

    Edited to add: In the larger version of the house pic, there’s a kidnapper van sitting in the driveway. Yet another bad sign (as if you needed another one!).