You Suck at Craigslist

Category: general

  • YSaC, Vol. 436: In every dream home, a nightmare.

    doll house – $50

    this house is in great shape thers carpet in the house very great shape name katrina email me

    Is it my imagination, or does this dollhouse look like it’s a foreclosure that’s been tagged by gangs — albeit, gangs of three-year-olds with crayons, but still?

    I half-expect to see that the copper wiring has been pulled out of the walls. Speaking of which, aren’t dollhouses usually only missing the back wall? This one seems to be standing up on the strength of the crayon wax alone.

    I’m reasonably certain that it’s infested with dollhouse-sized roaches and rats. (You can get those at the better dollhouse supply stores.)

    I’m guessing that this person’s definition of “very great shape” and mine have a few fundamentally irreconcilable differences. There’s certainly a difference in our definition of carpet, anyway.

    Thanks for the submission, Natalie!

  • YSaC, Vol. 385: One man’s treasure is another man’s …

    Best Offer Wins this Terrific Box of Goodies!

    Box of stuff for sale! List includes but is not limited to:

    120W Car stereo graphic equalizer thingy
    Casio adding machine with printer (needs ribbon)
    alarm clock
    shampoos/conditioners
    styling mousse
    hand soap
    loofa for that alligator skin you get sometimes, hopefully sometimes!
    random DC power supply
    graphic calculator
    hand sanitizer
    silver jewelry cleaner
    wrapping paper filler
    oil lamp bases
    back brace
    towel
    prevention magazine
    old style motorola carrying case
    flax seed bag opened

    Best offer wins this box of terrific stuff!
    Cash Only

    In order to win this box of gems you need to send me your name, date and time you can pick it up and the amount of your offer. Any questions about the items disqualifies you as I am not trying to sell it. I have better things to do. As far as I know all of the items work. I will delete the ad when the item sells so don’t ask me if it’s still available. I never answer those emails anyway. Good luck! 🙂

    385

    Josie sends this ad in, saying, “This listing is SO funny to me! I can’t decide if I think this person A) cleaned out their car and put everything in a box; B) kicked their significant other out and put his/her stuff in a box; C) needs a quick buck and so grabbed everything in their house that he/she could live without and is now auctioning it off on craigslist…

    “I’d love to know more about it, especially that “graphic calculator”, but would be devastated to be disqualified from this excellent auction. My bid is going to be $0.17 and I’ll pick it up a year from next Tuesday.”

    I’d just like to point out that this ad was posted on July 1; as I’m writing this post, it’s currently July 20th and the ad is still up … so I guess Josie’s bid didn’t get accepted.

    Thanks for the listing, Josie! Better luck next time.

  • YSaC, Vol. 376: Does whatever an effigy does …

    Adult Size Spider Man – $30

    This is a nice item to have in your home if you want to sit on the sofa as a decoy when you are not home. Or, you can let your busy kids jump all over him. You can even ride Spider Man in your vehicle when you are traveling alone because he looks so real. He is taking up a lot of space here and we just don’t have a need for him any more. So, take this good old boy home with you. He comes from a pet free and smoke free home. He is in excellent condition. He remains in the sitting position that you see in the below picture.

    376

    Yes, that’s right, you can use Spiderman here as a dummy passenger in your car so you can drive in the HOV lanes because he looks so realistic. The first thing a cop will think is “Oh, that car is fine; it has one person driving and Spiderman in the front seat. That’s totally normal.”

    And who would be stupid enough to rob a house when Spiderman is sitting on the couch watching TV? While wearing mittens and footies? With his head rolled back as though he’s been on a three-day meth and mezcal binge? NOBODY, that’s who. I mean, that would be like robbing a house protected by a lifesized cutout of Bea Arthur. It just isn’t done in civilized society.

    Thanks for the submission, Sara!

  • YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive.

    Heather sent in this first post, saying, “I don’t understand this at all. Is this code for something? Just trying to read it makes me a little dizzy.”

    Hasings a Wanting: Varg Doll

    Here is foodpeeple
    Has wants of these here mans:
    A ONE Varg doll from the Burzum. BUT and here and exclusive to here is CATCH: must have approvings for the from Varg himselfed.Tragedy happen: last Varg doll purchse?//? MOUNTAIN DUDE BOTTLE EXTRAED WITH DOGHAIRED STAPLED ONAND ALSO THIS VARGHEAD TAPE ON IT!11!!

    Serioused reply to thanks

    thanksed to you mans
    – foodpeeple

    A little digging on Craigslist turned up a few more “foodpeeple” posts, which were all made around the same time:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 363: The rooster is a man, baby.

    Love To Read True Books About Animals! Then This Is The Book For You! – $36

    Displayed At The Bottom Of This Page You Will See The Book’s Front Cover.

    View the first 15 pages of this book? Click this link provided to view and order this amazing book. Delivery is 5 – 10 days. >> [link deleted]

    $1.00 of every book sold will be donated to the FeatherFoot farm.

    Enjoy reading true stories of pets and animals, then you will enjoy reading the true life story about these twin brothers, two rooster who grew-up together as brothers, who’s love only got stronger for each other, this love and devotion would take the brothers on a incredible journey, a journey that would test the brothers love, bravery and strength within as they come to face the days ahead. Find out what happens. It will touch your heart.

    Title of book: The True Life Story Of FeatherFoot
    The Tail Of An Unforgettable Brother’s Bond, Bravery And Death.

    A heart-warming story that will take you on an incredible journey, a look into the lives of two amazing roosters, twin brothers that will make you see chickens in a different light. Read the incredible life journey that these two amazing roosters had.

    Enjoy reading or please pass this book on to a friend and share the story about Cleo and Leo FeatherFoot (free-range chickens) who developed such an incredible strong bond for each other. Their bond gave them courage to stand together face to face against nature’s worst predators no matter what their fate would be. Learn what happen to each brother. It just may shock you.

    Discover what happened to the brothers when one of the hardest hit rainstorms hit Maple Ridge. Is their bond strong enough to keep them together, will they survive or perish?

    Book contains over 20 actual photographs of the FeatherFoot brother’s life on the farm. The owners of Cleo and Leo FeatherFoot have provided all photographs.

    Price
    Hardcover, Dust Jacket $35.95
    Hardcover, ImageWrap $38.95

    363

    I’d just like to point out that this person has a book out. I don’t have a book out. How come this person has a book deal and I don’t? I know how to use apostrophes. That should be worth something, right? More importantly, I’m not writing about roosters. Is there really a big market out there for poorly written and punctuated books about roosters? Because if I’m missing that lucrative market, I can certainly come up with something. I’ll just flail randomly at the keyboard and I’ll have a craptacular book about roosters written in no time.

    On a more serious note — how can roosters be twin brothers? Were they both hatched from the same egg? I’m pretty sure that’s scientifically impossible. As is the fact that this person has a published book out and that anyone will be willing to spend $36 for it. Not that I’m bitter or obsessing over that or anything.

    BTW, Cleo dies. He was trampled by sheep or something. It’s not quite the same order of spoiler as “Soylent green is people” or “He was dead all along”, is it? But I saved you $36. You can thank me later.

    Thanks for the submission, Lesley!

  • YSaC, Vol. 328: Not just Craigslist, Vol. 3

    We’ve had a few posts from kijiji.com in the past, and today I’d like to share a couple of posts from other online classifieds sites.

    From backpage.com comes this help wanted ad:

    … Aggravated Office Manager

    posted: May 22, 2009, 03:02 PM

    We need an office manager for local retail store. Good verbal skills are necessary, great starting wage, potential for advancement, no certification required.Great opportunity for someone who is outgoing with a pleasant personality. We will provide all required training for our staff.

    Salaries start at $750 to $1,000 per week.

    I can’t even think of what word they meant to put in the title. Motivated? Sure. Ambitious? Makes sense.  Aggravated? (But with a pleasant personality, of course.) Are they going to train me to be aggravated? Or do they expect that skill set already and will train me to be outgoing and pleasant? If it’s the latter, my mother has been trying to do that for years and it’s not gone well.

    And then, from OLX.com:

    Suddenly, shots rang out…

    in the food court of one of the area’s busiest shopping malls. It was Saturday afternoon. Hundreds of people, consisting mostly of kids and women, were chaotically scrambling for cover. When the smoke had cleared, it looked like the scene from a movie set. Lots of bloodied bodies, muffled moans of pain, and cries for help. Can you imagine yourself, or your loved ones, caught up in such a nightmare? I can’t, which is where the concept of [Crappy online mall aggregator, or COMA for short] originated. [COMA].com is a web-based mall, consisting of a virtual hodge-podge of stores, which, unlike conventional malls, specializes in wholesale items, great deals, bargains galore, discounts, low prices, and great selections. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bricks and mortar establishment with more varieties of stores ( and more are being added daily ). I put [COMA] together with the hopes of keeping my loved ones out of the malls ( and my nightmare ) as much as possible. It has been pretty effective so far. The kids have been the hardest sell, probably so because their main reason for going to the mall is to socialize. I’ve gotten rave reviews from them about the site, however, so it has been somewhat effective on them. So take a tip from the kids. Take a trip to www.[COMA].com. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll not only save money on items that you purchase, but you will save gas, because all of the stores deliver to your door. So come see why, at [COMA], our name says it all.

    Well, maybe the name I gave you says it all — your store is a crappy online mall aggregator. It’s poorly designed, and whoever is writing your copy has no idea about the proper use of apostrophes or conjunctions. (Seriously: “You’re childs toy’s”? Really? Apparently the online bookstore in this COMA doesn’t have any dictionaries or writing books.)

    Worst of all, you’re preying on people’s fears to drive business to your site. “Shop with us, and you won’t get gunned down in Abercrombie & Fitch like a commerce-driven dog!”

    Maybe not, but I also won’t get that guy standing in the food court offering me samples of bourbon chicken, now, will I? Until you figure out how to offer free samples of bourbon chicken through the internet, I’ll take my chances in the mall.*

    *Though I’m not going into Hot Topic. You can’t make me.

    [Thanks to Sarah for the “Aggravated Office Manager” listing, and thanks to the folks at OLX for calling my attention to their site by offering me money [which I didn’t take] to promote them here. (I’m too damned ethical — I also didn’t take a free piece of jewelry from some site that wanted me to link to them.)]