You Suck at Craigslist

Category: general

  • YSaC, Vol. 1654: Ain’t nothin’ but a guy thang.

    guy thing

    Good one.

    I’m so glad someone has a good guy thing for sale. A good guy thing is hard to find. There’s stiff competition for the biggest ones, and they don’t come around too often.

    Wait, maybe I’m reading this wrong. (In which case, I think I need to take a cold shower.) Maybe it’s a guy THING, not a GUY THING, if you know what I mean. Which I don’t. What kind of THING might a guy want?

    Slightly used fleshlight for sale or trade!

    “Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit” is for sale. I’ve bought it for [amount of foreign currency] 3 months ago but haven’t used it much.
    It’s in great condition! I can trade it with a 500gb or higher capacity external harddisk
    Please only serious guys! Do NOT waste my time!

    *shudder* You know what? Never mind.

    Thanks, Ellen and Maggie!

    DISCLAIMER: If you do not know what a Fleshlight is, do not, under any circumstances, click this link at work.

  • YSaC, Vol. 1627: Blesmols soul.

    mummified mole rat

    It is scary ready for holloween tex me xxx xxxxxxx

    You know, this IS very scary, especially since that’s probably not actually a mole rat (you know, since they’re indigenous to Africa and Eurasia and not especially good pets), and is more likely their kid’s guinea pig that got trapped in what appears to be a stuffed animal hoarding situation behind it. Based on the look on this poor critter’s face, it wasn’t a pleasant death, either.

    The other scary thing about this is that since Craigslist has started mapping street addresses within ads, we can see that the person who thought it would be okay to sell the dessicated corpse of a former family pet as a prop for Halloween happens to live across the street from a large school. If children go missing, I think the police should start in the pile of stuffed animals in this person’s garage.

    Thanks, Andy!

  • YSaC, Vol. 477: Giggety giggety.

    4.2 Lbs Quagmire – $18000

    I have 4.2 lbs of quagmire selling for 1/2 price. Be the first to have your own to mount over your fireplace. One of a kind, never before offered.

    This is perfect! I’ve been looking for 4.2 pounds worth of soft, spongy wetlands to hang over my fireplace. And it’s on sale for half price!

    It will complement the mange I’m using as curtains and the sofa I just got:

    BEAUTIFUL VIBRANT orange sofa and loveseat

    I am moving from my house to a small pop up camper and must sell my beloved sofa and loveseat. Brand is Cashley. The fabric is textured , feels similar to sandpaper, and the color is a rich bright orange. This set was $2,000 approx 8 years ago. Now asking $1000. Kept in kid/smoke free environment, yet was a cozy napping place for my 5 long haired cats and 1 sheepdog with a skin condition. I will include the 4 hot pink throw pillows. No email scams please.
    477

    My living room is complete.

    Thanks, sara and renabean!

  • YSaC, Vol. 463: A different use of the “slimy” tag …

    1959 UNOPEND CRISCO – $25 (GILFORD)

    1959 UNOPEND CAN OF CRISCO VEG.SHORTINING WITH THE TWIST KEY STILL ATTCHED
    ASKING 25.00 OR BEST OFFER. EMAIL INQUIRIES TO CANTFLAMExxxxx@YAHOO.COM

    1959 was a very good year for Crisco. It had an excellent growing season, with not too much rain. This 1959 Crisco is drinking well now, and will continue to age well for the next forty to fifty years. The Shortening Enthusiast gives it a 94. Pairs well with cheese, particularly a 60-year Gouda. Good mouth feel, with a slight slime factor on the first taste that is taken over by the final taste of rancid.

    What is it with people on Craigslist and expired Crisco? At least those people weren’t trying to charge actual money for it.

    Thanks, Matt — I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for a while after seeing that.

  • YSaC, Vol. 460: This messed with Texas.

    Custom bull bike

    This one of a kind work of art took over 100 hours. The Texas base is all hand carved, 24ct gold on motor, has won several awards at ceramic shows. Asking $3,500.00 make reasonable offer

    460

    I’ve had this in my queue forever, because it’s … well, because it’s that. But I just can’t spin a creative story about what would prompt someone to make something like … well, like that. A ceramic bull with horns that look as though they were made from a limb from a Barbie doll, on a motorcycle, on top of a skull, on top of a handcarved Texas, on top of a mirror on top of wood. It’s a feng shui nightmare. All I know is that when this bullcycle reanimates, and those wooden legs start walking stiffly off the mirror, carrying this monstrosity around looking for its creator to exact its revenge, I don’t want to be anywhere near it.

    Thanks, Blake!

  • YSaC, Vol. 458: It’s too early in the year to make a “Sleigh Ride” joke.

    Does everybody have their solid-wall-of-capitalized-text glasses on? You do? Oh, good. You’re going to need them.

    SANTA SLEIGH LARGE WOODEN OUTDOOR DISPLAY – $195 (SALEM;OHIO)

    FORGET THE 1/4 INCH OR THE 1/2 INCH CHEAP MINIATURE PLYWOOD SLEIGHS THAT ONLY LAST A SEASON OR TWO!…OR THE CARDBOARD SLEIGHS THAT WARP AND BLOW DOWN .IVE GOT THE REAL DEAL THAT WILL LAST FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME!..THIS OUTDOOR SANTA SLEIGH IS CRAFTED AND BUILT BY MYSELF USING GOOD CLEAN BETTER GRADE 5/8 { NEARLY 3/4 INCH }SANDED PLYWOOD FROM HOME DEPOT…CHECK IT OUT!!…NO FILLER CRACKS ;HOLES;SPLINTS LIKE THE CHEAP GRADE..ALL NICE CLEAN SANDED WOOD READY TO BE PAINTED AND DECORATED TO YOUR CHOOSING AND DECOR…MEASURES 3 FEET HIGH; 4 FEET LONG AND 25 INCHES WIDE!…WILL HOLD CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS FOR PHOTOS!..WONDERFUL FOR CHRISTMAS EVENTS ;WILL HOLD GIFTS AND PERFECT FOR PHOTO TAKING WITH KIDS…ALL ASSEMBLED USING 1/4 INCH BOLTS ;NUTS AND WASHERS FOR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY..AS WELL AS CAN BE EASILY DISSASEMBLED FOR STORAGE . WILL HANG ON GARAGE WALL..ALSO HEAVY ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND NORMAL WINDS AND NOT TOPPLE OVER LIKE THE STORE BOUGHT LIGHT WEIGHT ONES.{ 30+ POUNDS} ..AND JUST AS EASY TO REASSEMBLE YEAR AFTER YEAR..BUILT TO LAST!!..JUST GIVE IT A GOOD COAT OF PAINT AND THE 16 BOLTS KEEP IT TIGHT TO PREVENT WARPING FROM WINTER WEATHER!..TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….HERES A SPECIAL NOTE!!….BUYING THIS COULD BE YOUR PATTERN TO GET STARTED MAKING AND SELLING IT IN YOUR AREA!…ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…IF YOU LIKE WOOD WORKING YOU WILL MAKE BIG PROFIT!!…SOOOOO.!!. SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH THIS DISPLAY PIECE THIS CHRISTMAS AND GET STARTED TAKING ORDERS FOR NEXT YEAR IN A BIG WAY!!…….THANKS..

    Since nobody in their right mind can possibly make it through all of that, please allow me to highlight some of the more … interesting things about this ad.

    TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….

    That’s right, it’s “pick up only” because it’s too heavy to ship … so he’ll adjust the shipping cost down to reflect the actual shipping cost when he ships it to you UPS. After you win your bid on Craigslist, of course.

    ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…

    Other than the other 1,000 of these he’s made (and the others made by the people who bought them and then started tracing them so that they could start selling them as well), this is the only one of its kind anywhere!

    The only way this thing is going to SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS is if the neighborhood kids pile up the fake roof reindeer underneath it and set the whole tacky mess on fire.

    So if you’re one of those people who insist on competing in the Cavalcade of Crappy Christmas Decorations each year, this sleigh is for you. And as an added bonus — it’s sturdy enough to support you when you pass out in it after your annual eggnog bender at the Elks Lodge.

    Thanks for the ad, Heather!