You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive.

Written by

drmk

in

,

Heather sent in this first post, saying, “I don’t understand this at all. Is this code for something? Just trying to read it makes me a little dizzy.”

Hasings a Wanting: Varg Doll

Here is foodpeeple
Has wants of these here mans:
A ONE Varg doll from the Burzum. BUT and here and exclusive to here is CATCH: must have approvings for the from Varg himselfed.Tragedy happen: last Varg doll purchse?//? MOUNTAIN DUDE BOTTLE EXTRAED WITH DOGHAIRED STAPLED ONAND ALSO THIS VARGHEAD TAPE ON IT!11!!

Serioused reply to thanks

thanksed to you mans
– foodpeeple

A little digging on Craigslist turned up a few more “foodpeeple” posts, which were all made around the same time:

for the tradsings: Soups

has much cans and wantings for to then fills up with a soups mans?//? EMPTY CANS HASING YOU DOWN???//??
Here my pitch: I soup thems ups!11!! Not like SOUP UP the racercar SOUPS UPS with pouring of CHICKENWATER11!!!!
I can make these thing happen at you
is so easy mans
thanksed
– foodpeeple

tells at ALBAMA MAN!!11!1 (a FOODpeeple)

FOOD has caps for clearingnessHas never finded way into an ALABAMA

Pleased for telling this foodmans how you finds it to be in homestate for ALABAMA (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS)

Much thanksing has throwed from palm to heart JAJAJA JOKED

– foodpeeple

Part of me really, really wants to understand this. Part of me even thinks it DOES understand this. (I’m a little worried about that part.) In those rare moments of clarity (mine, not the posts’), it almost sounds to me as though there’s something philanthropic going on, which I can get behind. In those other moments, I just hear Gollum.

The problem is, in those other moments, there simply isn’t a way to capture and express my reaction to these posts, which basically involves me pointing at the screen and saying, “Buh … whut?”

Comments

75 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive.”

  1. kt Avatar
    kt

    OK i googled Varg doll and it seems like this guy is looking for a music album from some foreign extremist:

    “Varg Vikernes (a.k.a. Count Grishnackh), the BURZUM mastermind who was convicted of murdering MAYHEM guitarist Oystein Aarseth (a.k.a. Euronymous) in August 1993 and setting fire to three churches, has finished writing nine songs for BURZUM’s new album, which he hopes to release next year. He tells Norway’s Dagbladet that several record labels are interested in issuing the band’s first LP in eleven years. “

  2. Jen Avatar
    Jen

    I think it’s quite clear that Borat wrote those posts, no?

  3. Christin Avatar
    Christin

    I just watched Borat last night. These all came out, in my head, in the Borat voice.

  4. TeDiouS Avatar
    TeDiouS

    I want to know what’s so exciting about the number eleven. 11! He’s very emphatic about it.

    And apparently forward slashes are questionable beings. //? Maybe he’s just confused about whether they are elevens or not…

    1. Amy H. Avatar
      Amy H.

      The !11! thing I see frequently in certain online gaming chat used as a joke. (yes, I’m a gamer) It refers back to people typing something with a lot of exclamation points at the end but stop holding the shift key. Sometimes people will even end a post/sentence with !!!1111oneone to be “uber silly.” I’m guessing the “/” usage is trying to use the same “joke” with the “?” as that’s the same key.

      What these ads are about… I have no idea. I’m thinking this is some poor alien that is stranded on Earth desperately trying to communicate with his home planet.

      1. The DLC Avatar
        The DLC

        That’s fascinating, I’ve never seen that before. Makes me think that this is someone who knows what he’s saying since he’s using at least some conventions of webspeak. Too bad he’s not using conventions of the English language.

      2. dogface Avatar
        dogface

        Cool kids tack an “eleventyone” onto the ends of their !!!1!11!11!111!!1!!!11’s.

      3. Igor The Vigorous Avatar
        Igor The Vigorous

        We nerds also like to type “elebenty” to mock the little kids who can’t hold SHIFT.

  5. 'sme Avatar
    ‘sme

    He wants… something in the first one. In the second one, he will fill your empty cans with soup! (?) And lastly, he would like to go to Alabama, as he cannot figure out how.

    ?????

    I don’t know, these are quite disturbing.

  6. HappyNat Avatar
    HappyNat

    “EMPTY CANS HASING YOU DOWN???//??”

    Why yes, yes they hasing me down. They have been hasing me for a long time and nobody ever noticed or cared. It’s like foodpeeple has peered in my eyes and looked directly into my soul. I’ve finally found the love of my life to indulge in “pouring of CHICKENWATER11!!!!”

  7. Carolime Avatar
    Carolime

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read. The end.

  8. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    This is very intentional. And i really love it.
    It feels like a weird combination of forced broken english and some gibberish.

    I think i’m going to speak in “foodpeeple” from now on.
    I’m going to substitute “hasing” for had/have/having/will have and refer to all flavors and types of soup and chicken water.

    Also, I had a friend that was a spanish teacher and used “JAJA” instead of haha because of how “j” is pronounced in spanish. But in this case i think it’s just a comedic typo

  9. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    I really thought these might be some sort of coded messages, until I read the last one and saw JAJAJA JOKED. Now I think they’re meant as jokes, probably by someone with too much time on his hands and too little to occupy himself.

  10. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    Living in New York, one hears people whose English bears a resemblance to this. They may not be very good but I give them credit for trying.

    Maybe it’s an ESL teen’s prank post?///??/??

  11. Wendy Avatar
    Wendy

    CHICKENWATER11!!!! is going to be my new email sig, I think.

    1. Allison Avatar
      Allison

      Oh my gosh, that and “I soup thems ups!” made my day completely.

    2. kristen55 Avatar
      kristen55

      Has wants me some CHICKENWATER11!!!

  12. Rykan Avatar
    Rykan

    Love the Airplane! title ;D

  13. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    No thanks, I’m a vegetarian.

    1. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      Ok, onion-carrot-celery water for you then. Only that doesn’t have the same comedic appeal as chicken water…. What’s an inherently funny vegetable?

      1. Colleen in MA Avatar
        Colleen in MA

        Make it one oniocarrelery water, please!

      2. Mesila Avatar
        Mesila

        SQUASHWATER

  14. marlo Avatar
    marlo

    Oh, here’s a thought: have you seen the cartoon Metalocalypse? I’ve only seen it a couple times, but there’s a character on there who speaks funny nonsense gibberish like this. He would say “hasings a wanting”, and “tradsings”. He adds a lot of extra plurals into words.

    The black metal reference is what tipped me off.

    1. D / DM Avatar
      D / DM

      I thought of that too. But… why? I like Metalocalypse too, and yet I have better things to do than post ads on Craigslist that no one can read.

  15. geeheeb Avatar
    geeheeb

    foodpeople is a troll from a messageboard I post on. this isn’t the guy’s real “personality”.

    1. Kit Avatar
      Kit

      Aw man, I like this personality. It’s non-threatening and funny.

  16. Tweaker Avatar
    Tweaker

    I instantly thought it sounded like Toki from Metalocalypse too! I definitely think this is someone joking around with Toki’s dodgy English on Craigslist.

    p.s. don’t look up the cartoon unless you like gratuitous blood and gore, violence, screamy metal, and dreadlock comb-overs, wouldn’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities! That being said, Toki’s downright adorable.

    1. dogface Avatar
      dogface

      Just downright adorable? He’s beyond adorable! X3

      They need to make a Toki t-shirt. All I’ve got is a Murderface shirt. XD

    2. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      True dat, Toki is a love!

      But even he knows you gets da chickenwater from das “fuuudliberry”. And booze izzint food!

    3. Mesila Avatar
      Mesila

      Speaking of tweaking, maybe this is just some dude on his third or fourth night “up”…I see something here that looks maybe 38% intentional. It might be a troll, but I’m willing to take a guess that this is a troll either on Serious Drugs or who is otherwise mental. And whose birthplace nation is NOT America, DEFINITELY.

  17. Mary Catherine Avatar
    Mary Catherine

    Translation: I call myself Foodpeople. I enjoy talking about myself in 3rd person and I would like this: One (as in singular) voodoo doll from the Burzum (one man musical act, early 90s, black metal) period created by Varg (Vikernes). Here’s the only catch – Varg himself must authenticate this voodoo doll (fyi: you can contact his parole officer for further information on how to reach him, if needed). The last time I bought one something tragic happened – it was a mountain dew bottle with extra dog hair stapled on it, and the poor Varghead (faux voodoo doll) had tape on it!!! (aka – I got screwed) Serious replies only. Thanks to you, man (thank you). Foodpeople

    I guess it helps a little when you can read stoned idiotese…

    1. tonironke Avatar
      tonironke

      LOL @ “stoned idiotese”!!! that is definitely the best phrase i’ve heard in a while hahaha…or jajaja

  18. Mary Catherine Avatar
    Mary Catherine

    Translation #2

    Do you have a lot of cans and want to fill them up with man’s soup? (keep reading) Are those empty cans holding you down? Here’s my pitch: I can soup those cans up for you. Not in the way a person would say, soup up a race car, but I can soup them up for you by filling them up with chicken water (most commonly used as slang for female vagina moisture – but I can only assume this guys means his sperm? If it’s a guy. Sounds like something a guy would say). I can make these things happen for you. It’s so easy. Thanks. Foodpeople

    Translation #3

    I am going to speak about myself in 3rd person again. I have clearance to leave the state where I live. I have never found my way into Alabama before. I would be very pleased if you could tell me how you like your home state of Alabama (I am putting it in all caps so it is clear for you). I am so thankful that I am placing my palm over my heart and then laughing at the very thought of doing that. Foodpeople

    1. Aunty Christ Avatar
      Aunty Christ

      You know, that soup ad sounded so adorable before I actually knew what he was saying…

    2. kristen55 Avatar
      kristen55

      I love the translations! Not that they make much more sense now, but at least they are readable 🙂 Thanksed to you!

    3. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      Wow, he’ll fill up the cans for free. That other guy wants $200 per cup!

      1. Kit Avatar
        Kit

        That’s because someone might actually want what the other guy’s offering. Okay, probably not, but he thinks so.

    4. Mesila Avatar
      Mesila

      Wow–now that it has been deconstructed, this totally makes sense.

      You ought to hire yourself out as a Schizophrenic/English translator. Think of the social workers and psychiatrists – and in all likelihood, parole officers – who might find their professional lives become easier with the assistance of someone with your psycholinguistic acumen.

  19. Shinejil Avatar
    Shinejil

    Uh, I’ll have what foodpeeple’s having.

    1. Monica Hamburg Avatar
      Monica Hamburg

      WIN

    2. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Don’t you mean, “I hasing a wanting for what foodpeeple’s hasing?”

  20. DC Avatar
    DC

    Some part of me is deeply chilled by these words, as if it’s some sort of bizarre terrorist code (i.e., “I will be posting the coded directions on CL; just search ‘foodpeeple’. Trust me, it’ll make sense when you decode it.”)…Then again, I tend to think the worst of people. DEFINITELY a Gollum voice, precioouuussssss.

    1. Steph Avatar
      Steph

      O yes, Precious, we hears Gollum voices! Poor Smeagol, being plagiarized by such wicked humanses… *gollum, gollum* We only wants fisssssssh…

      (Kill me now.)

  21. Rei Avatar
    Rei

    Honestly, I kept hearing Pillz-E from the Neurotically yours short “Medicated Baby Heads” Sad!

  22. araispoetry Avatar
    araispoetry

    The first one made me think he wanted some kind of “vagina doll” but ended up with a mountain dew bottle with dog hair and… well I guess vagina tape can’t exist. Right?

  23. Kagemorou Avatar
    Kagemorou

    Hmm. I may be wrong, but this fellow sounds Pinoy to me. I have a lot of experience playing MMORPGs with folks from the Philipines, and those who do not have a firm grasp of the english language talk exactly like this. the “Jajajaja” laughter is what really gives it away however. other varients of this laugh include “Jijijiji” and “Jejejeje” I wish I had an example of a chat-log with one of these folks as proof, but alas I’ve never saved one while talking to them.

  24. wes Avatar
    wes

    burzum made some great black metal… check out this video for dunkelheit

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luFCBdS5PAs

  25. Sen. Chuck Grassley Hates Health Care Reform, the English Language | Indecision Forever | Comedy Central

    […] that both Dylan and I are wrong. Sen. Grassley is attempting to communicate with the Foodpeeple in their native language. TAGS: Charles Grassley, Health Care, Iowa, Senate, Twitter Related PostsSen. Chuck Grassley […]

  26. Black Kristos Avatar
    Black Kristos

    Chump don’ wan’ no help, chump don’ git no help!

  27. bartender Avatar
    bartender

    I actually understood most of that. And I would have to say it’s because there a quite a few Jamaicans that work around the company I work for. I didn’t realize how much I had picked up on their speakings. I realized early on that it is actually a bastardization of english and spanish. Basically really bad and lazy grammer X 10. You just have to think “how would I say this sentence if I didn’t care how I sound.”

    1. WHOA Avatar
      WHOA

      UM HELLO FLAG PLEASE

      Also, people talking about Jamaicans’ “bad grammer” [WHOA!!!!] need to learn how to spell, and learn to not be completely ignorant.

      1. Whoa indeed Avatar
        Whoa indeed

        Uh, yeah. Stereotype much? How offensive.

    2. Jamaican Avatar
      Jamaican

      Wow, love this blog and finally had to reply because guess what–I’m Jamaican. Thanks for the lesson but WRONG, Jamaican “speakings” as you have called it in NOT a bastardization of English and Spanish. It is called Patois. Patois is a deconstruction of English. And English alone. Its origin is similar to Creole being a deconstruction of French. And like Creole, these languages are not used or pervasive because of “really bad and lazy grammar x 10” as you have tried to inform. Rather, Patois developed out of myriad tribes of African people learning English together AND wanting to shield their conversations from the slave masters, overseers etc. It has and is a mainstay of the culture but, though debated on and off many times, it is not the official language of the country due to the lack of a standardized written form. Most educated Jamaicans speak Patois and English fluently. An educated Jamaican generally sounds like they have a British accent as I have been accused of frequently. When you understand the history of slavery in the Caribbean, you will understand the birth of these languages and why Jamaicans and other islanders are PROUD of their Creole, Patois and other native tongues. It kept them safe. It gave them community. It bonded them in a strange land when they were ripped apart from their families. And though it can, especially in foreign countries, be completely misunderstood and an obstacle in some situations, it has sincere and serious value for those who speak it.

    3. lareina Avatar
      lareina

      Ah, the douche. A rare species around here, thank the sweet Lord, but occasionally one will try his/her luck. You just need to slap them repeatedly upside the head until they go away, or if that fails, do what you would do to any other loathsome insect – spray them thoroughly with Raid and then stomp on them, just to be sure. With steel-toed, hobnailed boots. With 15 of your closest friends.

  28. Adelle Avatar
    Adelle

    Pouring of chicken water! happening at me?! yesss!

  29. HAHAHAHA!!!111!!!!! Avatar
    HAHAHAHA!!!111!!!!!

    Seriously guys, you gotta stop. I’m crying here.

  30. Sunshiner Avatar
    Sunshiner

    You has a chickenwater, and I has a chickenwater… I soup YOUR cans. I soup thems ups!

  31. Black metal » Blog Archive » YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive. | You Suck at …

    […] See original here: YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive. | You Suck at … […]

  32. Austin Avatar
    Austin

    Wtf is he, a lolcat?

  33. Art Stanton Avatar
    Art Stanton

    What? No mentionings of the JarJar Binks in this here postings?

  34. LaSombra Avatar
    LaSombra

    This might provide some answers. It looks like some alternative/hardcore band from NY.

  35. Druston Avatar
    Druston

    I started reading this out loud to my sister, waving my arms around dramatically to emphasize the caps, and somehow managed to get to the ‘has much cans and wantings for to’ in the soup ad before I started cracking up. I was literally in tears.

    The comments did not help at all.

  36. jake Avatar
    jake

    Varg Vikernes was the one man black metal artist known as Burzum. in the early nineties he stabbed “Euronymous” from Mayhem to death in front of his apartment. now hes in jail and is a neo nazi. crazy norweigan black metalers.

  37. Zak Orr Avatar
    Zak Orr

    ALABAMA (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS)
    Ok this is where i lose the guy
    if you rearrange the leters of the phrase (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS) you can make ( Its AC spacing forreals) Which sounds like a pretty good AC marketing starategy.

    I soup thems ups!11!! Not like SOUP UP the racercar SOUPS UPS with pouring of CHICKENWATER11
    Now this is probably the funniest thing i have read in a month.

  38. dh Avatar
    dh

    I think this might be something to do with Google translate…

  39. breetva doubleplusungood Avatar
    breetva doubleplusungood

    This sounds like a combination of nadsat and newspeak. Well… maybe, if Burgess and Orwell were illiterate and stoned.

  40. Justin W. in Utah Avatar
    Justin W. in Utah

    [I’m taking a stab at translating the first post:]

    “Here is foodpeeple
    Has wants of these here mans:
    A ONE Varg doll from the Burzum. BUT and here and exclusive to here is CATCH: must have approvings for the from Varg himselfed.Tragedy happen: last Varg doll purchse?//? MOUNTAIN DUDE BOTTLE EXTRAED WITH DOGHAIRED STAPLED ONAND ALSO THIS VARGHEAD TAPE ON IT!11!!

    Serioused reply to thanks

    thanksed to you mans
    – foodpeeple”
    ————————————
    FoodPeople here,
    I am looking for one of these:
    ONE doll/action figure of Varg Vikernes of the band Barzum.
    BUT there is an important catch: the doll has to be autographed by Varg himself.
    The last (attempted online) doll purchase was tragic: I received a Mountain Dew bottle with dog hair stapled to it and (a photo of) Varg’s head taped to it.

    Serious replies only, thanks!

    Thanks guys,
    -FoodPeople
    ———————————–
    I’m assuming that this post was written by a teenage Norwegian with a very feeble grasp of English sentence construction and little knowledge of vocabulary.

    I’m also assuming, that the screen name is a literal English translation of a reference to cannibalism, based on the nature of the content 90’s death metal bands like Barzum, Mayhem, and Turbonegro often embrace. (Just as an teenage American Metallica fan’s screen name would be something like “PuppetMaster420” or someshit.

    1. day-ham Avatar
      day-ham

      you rule.

  41. KiKi Avatar
    KiKi

    ……..um, Alabama is dreadful? You should not come here at all? Especially during football season. ~snicker~

    Kagemorou said “Hmm. I may be wrong, but this fellow sounds Pinoy to me. I have a lot of experience playing MMORPGs with folks from the Philipines, and those who do not have a firm grasp of the english language talk exactly like this.”

    The Madison County/Huntsville area of Alabama does have a large Filipino community–though all the people I know (through my brother & sister-in-law) speak Tagalog. I’m going to ask if they know of any Pinoy-speaking communities around the state now.

    Also, I grew on a farm filled with totally free-range, organic, go where-ever-do-whatever-the-frack-they-want chickens… so chicken water to me means something with which I completely do NOT want to be “SOUPED UP” or “POURED”!!! But I might totally put that on a T-shirt…..

    Just found this site today and absolutely love it!!!! 🙂

  42. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    This guy is hilarious. His latest Twitter post reads, “i am an excitement on these new thing: in town they opens a ONION BARN11!!! muched!11!1”

    1. Steph Avatar
      Steph

      What the hell’s an onion barn? Good Lord, this sounds like Engrish. I’ve got a friend who was born in Taiwan but lives in New Zealand; her English isn’t perfect and can be really weird sometimes, but at least it’s still understandable…

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  44. Boot Avatar
    Boot

    I came across this, there’s more: http://twitter.com/foodpeeple

  45. 3am writer Avatar
    3am writer

    Wow, I didn’t know LOLcats were postign on craigslist!

  46. eeyore19 Avatar
    eeyore19

    I think CHICKENWATER11 would be a cool name for a band.

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