You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: asshat

  • YSaC, Vol. 328: Not just Craigslist, Vol. 3

    We’ve had a few posts from kijiji.com in the past, and today I’d like to share a couple of posts from other online classifieds sites.

    From backpage.com comes this help wanted ad:

    … Aggravated Office Manager

    posted: May 22, 2009, 03:02 PM

    We need an office manager for local retail store. Good verbal skills are necessary, great starting wage, potential for advancement, no certification required.Great opportunity for someone who is outgoing with a pleasant personality. We will provide all required training for our staff.

    Salaries start at $750 to $1,000 per week.

    I can’t even think of what word they meant to put in the title. Motivated? Sure. Ambitious? Makes sense.  Aggravated? (But with a pleasant personality, of course.) Are they going to train me to be aggravated? Or do they expect that skill set already and will train me to be outgoing and pleasant? If it’s the latter, my mother has been trying to do that for years and it’s not gone well.

    And then, from OLX.com:

    Suddenly, shots rang out…

    in the food court of one of the area’s busiest shopping malls. It was Saturday afternoon. Hundreds of people, consisting mostly of kids and women, were chaotically scrambling for cover. When the smoke had cleared, it looked like the scene from a movie set. Lots of bloodied bodies, muffled moans of pain, and cries for help. Can you imagine yourself, or your loved ones, caught up in such a nightmare? I can’t, which is where the concept of [Crappy online mall aggregator, or COMA for short] originated. [COMA].com is a web-based mall, consisting of a virtual hodge-podge of stores, which, unlike conventional malls, specializes in wholesale items, great deals, bargains galore, discounts, low prices, and great selections. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bricks and mortar establishment with more varieties of stores ( and more are being added daily ). I put [COMA] together with the hopes of keeping my loved ones out of the malls ( and my nightmare ) as much as possible. It has been pretty effective so far. The kids have been the hardest sell, probably so because their main reason for going to the mall is to socialize. I’ve gotten rave reviews from them about the site, however, so it has been somewhat effective on them. So take a tip from the kids. Take a trip to www.[COMA].com. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll not only save money on items that you purchase, but you will save gas, because all of the stores deliver to your door. So come see why, at [COMA], our name says it all.

    Well, maybe the name I gave you says it all — your store is a crappy online mall aggregator. It’s poorly designed, and whoever is writing your copy has no idea about the proper use of apostrophes or conjunctions. (Seriously: “You’re childs toy’s”? Really? Apparently the online bookstore in this COMA doesn’t have any dictionaries or writing books.)

    Worst of all, you’re preying on people’s fears to drive business to your site. “Shop with us, and you won’t get gunned down in Abercrombie & Fitch like a commerce-driven dog!”

    Maybe not, but I also won’t get that guy standing in the food court offering me samples of bourbon chicken, now, will I? Until you figure out how to offer free samples of bourbon chicken through the internet, I’ll take my chances in the mall.*

    *Though I’m not going into Hot Topic. You can’t make me.

    [Thanks to Sarah for the “Aggravated Office Manager” listing, and thanks to the folks at OLX for calling my attention to their site by offering me money [which I didn’t take] to promote them here. (I’m too damned ethical — I also didn’t take a free piece of jewelry from some site that wanted me to link to them.)]

  • YSaC, Vol. 324: Someone to watch over me ….

    Need Pet sitter maybe 2 nites a week

    I’m a sales guy that travels about 2 nites a week for work. I am looking for someone or preferably a couple that loves dogs and would like my dog Forest’s company. He is ZERO trouble, sits on your lap like your best friend and only wants his tummy scratched as much as he can get it done lol

    If your going to reply with how much does it pay, don’t reply, i need someone to watch him that isn’t looking to make money off him

    a retired couple would be best as he loves being outside walking if possible or a fenced yard. Also he’d prefer no children.

    thanks,
    jeff
    xxx-xxx-xxxx
    323

    Translation: I need a pet sitter, but I’m not willing to pay for the service.

    What’s awful about this is that I can think of a lot of ways he could have spun this request that would have made it slightly less asshattish. For example, he could have said, “I know that elderly couples enjoy having animals around, so I would be willing to leave my dog with you a couple of nights a week while I am at work.” It still has the same meaning — i.e., I’m not willing to pay for a sitter — but it’s not as bad as “Don’t reply if you want pay because I’m not paying you.”

    [Thanks for the submission, Jen!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 321: Meta-hilarity ensues.

    Hi. Welcome to You Suck at Craigslist, a site where I make fun of poorly constructed Craigslist ads.

    What? What’s that you say? You’re wondering why I’m stating that, when it’s perfectly obvious what the site is?

    As it turns out, perfectly obvious might not be obvious enough to some people, as evidenced by an email I got (exchange is behind a cut, as it’s relatively long):

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 305: The heartwarming story of a woman, her kayak, and central air.

    Martha is a regular and long-time contributor to YSaC (she has her own tag!), and she sent in this account of her real-life adventures on Craigslist:

    So I’m actually trying to barter my ridiculously expensive kayak for central air.  Here’s the ad I found…

    BARTER ****You need a CENTRAL A/C or FURNACE ? (Rosemount , Farmington, Hampton)

    ********BARTER HVAC SKILLS for cash **********Or ?

    Heating , Venting , Air Conditioning

    Central Air —- 13 seer 2 ton Central Air Unit $775.00

    A-Coils as low as $195.00

    Furnaces — 80% 70,000 Btu $578.00 FREE DELIVERY , FREE DISPOSAL with install Ready to ——– ” GET ER DONE ” ——- CALL xxx-xxx-8082

    So I email the guy, and here’s the ensuing email trail:

    Hi,

    I have this ad out on Craigslist (http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/bar/xxxxxxxxxx.html) and am interested in bartering for C/A installed on my (small) home.  All ductwork is in place, all that would be needed is a slab and unit.

    Please let me know if you are interested, it seems like it would be a fair trade.

    Thanks,
    Martha

    — On Mon, 4/27/09, CentralAirAsshat@juno.com  wrote:
    From: CentralAirAsshat@juno.com
    Subject: Central Air Our Reply ! !
    To: xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
    Date: Monday, April 27, 2009, 4:15 PM

    Barter my CENTRAL AIR SKILLS for CASH.
    Really have no need for a KAYAK.
    When you sell your KAYAK then email.
    Your Phone Number and City you live in.
    So we can get your CENTRAL AIR installed.
    Looking forward to serving you.

    Thanks

    From: “Martha F”
    To: “CentralAirAsshat@juno.com”

    You do know that BARTERING means for goods, not cash, right?  You should really remove your ad from the barter section, since you are really just advertising your services for CASH ONLY (which is selling).

    http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/barter

    Looking forward to not doing business with you.

    Martha says, “I really had to hold myself back from calling him a moron.  And I never heard back from him, but this jackhole is still posting the same ads.  Apparently he didn’t check the dictionary link.”

    Thanks, Martha! I hope you get your kayak bartered AND your central air installed.

  • YSaC, Vol. 301: Maiesiophiliasshat

    Young and pregnant? – m4w – 32

    Did the baby’s father leave you? Do you have no where to turn? About to be kicked out of your home?

    I’m looking for a pregnant girl to take care of. I want to date you during the term of your pregnancy. Come live with me and I’ll take care of you and make sure that all your needs are met. You won’t have to work or worry about anything! After the baby is born, I’ll set you up to get a decent start in life.

    Remember, this is under romantic relationship, which is what I want .I’m serious, hope you are as well.
    Tell me about your circumstances: age, how far along you are, etc.

    Translation: I have a fetish for young pregnant girls because they have already exhibited poor judgment and have nobody around to tell them that this is a spectacularly bad idea.

    *shudder*

    Megan sent this one in — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 285: Colorless green ideas optimize furiously.

    Article writer needed- high volume

    I currently have 9 clients that each need articles written on a weekly basis. Articles are for SEO purposes, and have to contain SOME keyword density, but have to be interesting enough to be read and accepted by various sources. I need 10 articles per week per client, and the pay is $1/ article. The total for 9 clients comes out to $90/ per week. Each article will be at least one page long (more or less). This should be a simple enough side gig for someone starting out. We are looking for someone to start out and grow with the company; does not have to be local, but must be in the US.

    Must be able to write efficiently and productively in a timely manner; articles are necessary every week. Please send examples to be considered.

    Thank you!

    • This is a part-time job.
    • This is a contract job.
    • This is an internship job

    Mike sends this one in, saying “He needs SEO articles, which is what I do. At one page each, a good article would take an hour. Assuming you could write 2 articles in an hour, which no one could, that would take up 45 hours a week. Which comes out to around … oh , $2.00 an hour. For a 45 hour week. With no benefits. But plan on $1.00 an hour. I think twice about bending over to pick up a dollar in the street. I just took a pay cut for my SEO writing, and I am a relative beginner. I make $32.50. AN HOUR. What a dipshit.”

    45 hours a week doesn’t exactly sound like a part-time job, either. $1 per article? For $1 I would go to the ChomskyBot and copy and past whatever came out of it and call that an article. Throw a couple of SEO keywords in there and you’re good to go.