You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 1645: Something’s fishy.

    Porcelain Fish Tank

    Porcelain Fish Tank – bird motif w/base with gold fishes painted inside

    Tank: 11-1/2″H x 14″OD x 11-1/4″ID
    Base: 10-1/2″ OD x 2-1/2″H

    EXCELLENT HOUSE WARMING GIFT

    Fish tank. A porcelain fish tank. Let’s assume that it was the presence of decorative fish that led them to the conclusion that this was a fish tank. Why, then, would you not decide that it was a bird cage? After all, there are birds painted on the outside, so clearly it’s got something to do with bird containment. Although if the birds are on the outside, and the fish are on the inside … oh, I see.

    I mean, sure … you could keep a fish in there, I suppose, if you have a serious vendetta against the fish. The poor thing is just going to think that the goldfish painted on the inside are constantly chasing it.

    True story: years ago, Dan and I were in a large superstore and walked by the wall of fish tanks (um, real ones) to get to the grocery area. We passed a small group of sorority girls (I’m not stereotyping — they were wearing letters), one of whom loudly proclaimed (in the classic sorority girl/Valley Girl/Cordelia voice), “Oh my god, you guys, fish are soo creepy!”, to which the other girls immediately and emphatically agreed.

    So there you have it. This would be the perfect housewarming gift if you (a) don’t like fish and/or (b) don’t like the person you’re giving it to.

  • YSaC, Vol. 1642: Worst baby name list ever.

    Olive Edith Zola Koa Beatrice Chamois Petal Cindy Urna Lila – 19

    Arnold Cypress Merlin Puck Luke Mike,Mikey Dickens Kokamo Magic Hamlet Jock Fletcher Comet Falcon Basil Hobbit Morley Mako Gusevik Zog Elwood Fighter Bubby Friday Dalton Wiggles Houdini Juice Harper Piranha Kegger Bellamy Norman Wolfer Durango Micha Davinci Rusty Paloma Cowboy Flipper Cujo Joe Zepplin Horus Caliber Patches Felix Rooney Pylon Ronin Matera Bean Hunter Wiley Zephyr Fender Atlas Moose Loki Hart Funky Zeb

    I give this four stars. I want to give it five, but the third act was slow and a little hard to follow. Also the use of the deus ex machina to resolve the central conflict was a bit of a cheat. So really it’s only worth three stars, now that I think about it. And even that might be a bit generous. I mean, they introduce “Piranha” about halfway through and never develop the character at all. And you can see the twist ending with “Zeb” coming a mile away. So maybe only one star, minus one-half star for the comma splice and lack of punctuation.

    Thanks, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1639: Too hot! In the hot tub!

    Free 4 person Hot tub Trash compactor

    Free 4 -6 person hot tub 80″s ? No motor but inside is good with cover, Trash compactor works well older 90’S dishwasher door askew but runs. Again Hot tub does not have motor
    Call if interested you need to pick up we do not deliver
    Thanks for looking
    Jen xxxxxxxxxx

    I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie. The hot tub is really a time machine that will only take you to the ’80s, and once you’re there you realize you’re in the bowels of a spaceship with walls that are closing in and a trash monster that’s trying to squish you, but you’re able to escape because the motor’s broken and the door is half open.

    Kind of a disappointing third act, really.

    Thanks, Kit A!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1632: In a world ….

    Vintage Brass Scale of Justice – $50

    Vintage Scale of Justice (Painted gold)
    xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Michelle sent this in with her own commentary, which I’m going to steal plagiarize use because it’s brilliant. For best effect, read in a movie announcer voice with a Shatner-esque pause in the middle.

    There aren’t any details about the Vintage Brass Scale… OF JUSTICE. One can only guess at the types of weighty situations it has measured up in its years on the Contemporary Wood Table… OF VIRTUE until its bearer took its picture with the Modern Digital Camera… OF TRUTH and put it up on the Futuristic Interwebs Site… OF HONOR. We can only hope that the person destined to bring balance to the force will see this and buy it with his (or her) Commonly Accepted Currency… OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.

    Thanks, Michelle, for the commentary … OF JUSTICE!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1627: Blesmols soul.

    mummified mole rat

    It is scary ready for holloween tex me xxx xxxxxxx

    You know, this IS very scary, especially since that’s probably not actually a mole rat (you know, since they’re indigenous to Africa and Eurasia and not especially good pets), and is more likely their kid’s guinea pig that got trapped in what appears to be a stuffed animal hoarding situation behind it. Based on the look on this poor critter’s face, it wasn’t a pleasant death, either.

    The other scary thing about this is that since Craigslist has started mapping street addresses within ads, we can see that the person who thought it would be okay to sell the dessicated corpse of a former family pet as a prop for Halloween happens to live across the street from a large school. If children go missing, I think the police should start in the pile of stuffed animals in this person’s garage.

    Thanks, Andy!