YSaC, Vol. 376: Does whatever an effigy does …

2009 July 28
by drmk

Adult Size Spider Man – $30


This is a nice item to have in your home if you want to sit on the sofa as a decoy when you are not home. Or, you can let your busy kids jump all over him. You can even ride Spider Man in your vehicle when you are traveling alone because he looks so real. He is taking up a lot of space here and we just don’t have a need for him any more. So, take this good old boy home with you. He comes from a pet free and smoke free home. He is in excellent condition. He remains in the sitting position that you see in the below picture.

376

Yes, that’s right, you can use Spiderman here as a dummy passenger in your car so you can drive in the HOV lanes because he looks so realistic. The first thing a cop will think is “Oh, that car is fine; it has one person driving and Spiderman in the front seat. That’s totally normal.”

And who would be stupid enough to rob a house when Spiderman is sitting on the couch watching TV? While wearing mittens and footies? With his head rolled back as though he’s been on a three-day meth and mezcal binge? NOBODY, that’s who. I mean, that would be like robbing a house protected by a lifesized cutout of Bea Arthur. It just isn’t done in civilized society.

Thanks for the submission, Sara!

72 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 28
    Shii permalink

    This doesn’t seem like a sucky listing to me, just a clever one.

    Adores: 0
  2. 2009 July 28

    Twenty bucks says there’s a body in there.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 July 28
      antoinette jeanine permalink

      I’m 87% sure that the poster is trying to sell a guy who passed out in his Halloween costume.

      Adores: 10
      • 2009 July 28
        jackie31337 permalink

        Not at all related to the listing or your comment, but this has been bothering me for a while… What exactly is your avatar picture a picture of, antoinette jeanine?

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 July 28
          antoinette jeanine permalink

          It’s a pair of socks I made a year ago. I took a picture of my feet when I finished the socks (I was so proud!) and set it as my blog’s profile picture, then promptly stopped blogging and forgot all about it. I was quite surprised to see it show up with my first YSaC comment, but now I’m too lazy to change it.

          Adores: 2
  3. 2009 July 28
    neverfirst permalink

    Remember, with great power comes great responsibility….

    Adores: 1
  4. 2009 July 28
    Colleen in MA permalink

    NO WAY! My fantasy come true … one more thing I can cross off my bucket list. Excuse me, I have to go make a call …

    Adores: 1
  5. 2009 July 28

    I’d feel more safe with the life-sized cutout of Bea Arthur.
    Also, it makes me weep that the OP calls it Spider Man when it’s Venom.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 July 28
      mikey permalink

      Looks like black-suit Spidey to me….What makes you think it’s Venom?

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 July 28

        Spidey has a black suit? I thought that just Venom did.
        (Is a weekend Spidey fan.)

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 July 29
          corn flakes permalink

          In the movie (and comic books) Peter Parker wore the black suit briefly before realizing that it was negatively controlling his emotions/thoughts. Eddie Brock later wears the suit and embraces the evil. You can tell if it’s venom because he has a long snake tongue and a billion crazy teeth like a shark.
          Yes, i know i’m a nerd.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 August 3
          D / DM permalink

          @corn flakes:

          Don’t feel so nerdy. I was going to post the same explanation before I noticed you’d already done it, and I haven’t read a comic book in about 14 years and was only a casual Spider-Man reader then.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 November 21

          Yeah, and this is like a simplified version of the movie black suit. In the comics, the black suit was almost entirely unreflective black. (I think the redesign might have come from someone who was tired of drawing all those little lines.)

          Adores: 0
  6. 2009 July 28
    Elle permalink

    When I was in college, every once in a while I would walk to campus along a residential street. In one house, out of the corner of my eye, I would see someone standing in the window, keeping an eye on the street. I tried not to look at them directly; I figured it was a Mrs. Kravitz type person, so I just listened to my music and kept walking. One day I was lost in song and bopping my head, completely lost in my own world, when I caught sight on the figure in my peripheral vision and *completely* flipped out, I was so startled. When I looked back to get a better look? It was a life-sized cutout of Austin Powers, giving me a big grin and a thumbs up.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 July 28

      That’s funny, I lived on campus during college in a townhouse section. On my walk from class to my house I would see cardboard Boba Fett, Abraham Lincoln, and John Wayne, there was also a human sized inflatable monkey eating a banana. The monkey was my boyfriends.

      We were super classy kids.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 July 28
        Elle permalink

        See, there are plenty of wonderful uses for a Spiderman! Just attach some string and hang him from the window sill!

        Adores: 0
  7. 2009 July 28
    Lola permalink

    “You can even ride Spider Man in your vehicle when you are traveling alone because he looks so real.”
    I’m single, but not desperate. Why would I want to have fake sex with a fake person in my car* when I could have fake sex with them at home? And that leads to another question – would I have to fake the orgasm?

    *This would also have to be fake, as I don’t have one.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 July 29
      Igor The Vigorous permalink

      You could just have sex with Tyler, my alter-ego.
      You would probably have to fake the orgasm.

      Adores: 1
  8. 2009 July 28
    that frood permalink

    Oh wonderful! My busy kids can jump all over him? My goodness, that is exactly what my busy kids need, something to jump all over.

    “Mom, I’m done with my homework, can I jump all over spiderman now?”
    “Go ahead, honny.”

    Adores: 4
  9. 2009 July 28
    Jimakaphil permalink

    So when you get pulled over for speeding and illegally using the carpool lane, you can just tell the officer that there is a crime in progress and you need to get Spidy over to save the day.

    I’m not too sharp on my comic book characters, but I think black Spiderman is the bad one. So maybe you are off to commit some crimes instead.

    Either way you’re still getting a hefty ticket.

    Adores: 0
  10. 2009 July 28

    Am I the only one wondering why Spidey is grabbing his crotch??

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 July 28
      dogface permalink

      If I had spandex that tight, I’d be grabbing my crotch, too.

      Adores: 4
  11. 2009 July 28
    dogface permalink

    Come now, drmk. You can’t seriously be telling me that you’ve never driven around with Evil Spiderman before. :c

    Adores: 0
  12. 2009 July 28
    jackie31337 permalink

    I’m no expert on this, but I think meth is a stimulant, so I doubt evil spidey would look so comatose if he was using it. Of course, maybe after being awake for three days straight, he might pass out.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 July 29
      Igor The Vigorous permalink

      Meth can keep you up for periods recorded up to 16 days, and then the user will often “crash” for periods of several days. That’s what this is referring to.

      Adores: 2
  13. 2009 July 28
    Jennie permalink

    Lay off on the vulgarity. You people think you had invented sex. Quit making it ok between singles. What kind of image are you giving our young people? You are sickos. Get a life…a righteous one. God is watching!!!

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 July 28
      drmk permalink

      Troll or spam? I can’t decide.

      Adores: 7
      • 2009 July 28
        Linnee permalink

        Right-wing fundamentalist.

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 July 28
          drmk permalink

          Horribly off-topic right-wing fundamentalist?

          Adores: 4
      • 2009 July 28
        Pianodan permalink

        It’s a spamtroll!

        Adores: 8
      • 2009 July 29
        jackie31337 permalink

        “Troll or spam? I can’t decide.”

        Why be so closed-minded? It could easily be both!

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 August 4
          D / DM permalink

          Why won’t anybody take Jennie seriously? She has some legitimate concerns.

          Fine, I’ll do it.

          Jennie, we DID invent sex. Quite frankly, you’re speaking to the most intelligent group of people on the Internet here. No one else was capable of inventing it. You’re welcome.

          As for the young people, have you seen the design of this site? It’s boring for a reason–it keeps young people away better than any warning ever could.

          Adores: 7
    • 2009 July 28
      Mike permalink

      “God is watching!!!”

      See, even He’s a voyeur.

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 October 20

        But can He tell if this Spidey is real or not when you’re driving in the carpool lane?

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 October 20

          Probably not, but when the collection plate is passed and Spidey doesn’t ante up, there will be hell to pay!

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 October 20
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Only your taxidermist knows for sure.

          Adores: 1
    • 2009 July 29

      *sigh* With increased popularity comes…. an increase of weirdos. Quick, put the rock back over it!!

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 November 21

      People! Lay off the fucking profanity. When you cuss it makes Baby Jesus cry.

      Adores: 7
  14. 2009 July 28
    Linnee permalink

    “…if you want to sit on the sofa as a decoy when you are not home.”

    How can I sit on the sofa when I’m not home?

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 July 28
      My Evil Twin permalink

      Take the sofa with you, of course. Presumably, Evil Spidey guards the sofa’s space while you and the sofa are away.

      Evil Spidey vs. the Dust Bunnies?

      Adores: 8
      • 2009 August 8
        D / DM permalink

        Ah, of course! And you’re sitting on the sofa as a decoy… to make people think… that you ARE home! Because sofas are usually left at home!

        It’s all so clear now!

        Adores: 2
  15. 2009 July 28
    Roland of Gilead permalink

    Wow, I have a four foot tall Kermit the Frog stuffed animal in my garage. Perhaps Kermit and Spidey could join forces and rid the city of Miss Piggy. The possibilities are boundless here.

    Adores: 1
  16. 2009 July 28
    Doug permalink

    Wait a minute… his legs are curled up. I think he’s dead!

    Adores: 14
    • 2009 July 28
      Count Blah permalink

      BWAH! Best…comment…ever. 😀

      Adores: 0
  17. 2009 July 28

    Plus.

    He’s a hottie.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2009 July 28

    There’s a house on my bus route* that has a life-size inflatable Spider-man stuck on the outside of the first floor balcony staring in through a pair of French doors. It’s been there for so long Spidey has faded to a dull pink.

    *-and by “my bus route”, I mean the route of the bus I ride to work, not that I am a bus driver.

    Adores: 0
  19. 2009 July 29
    corn flakes permalink

    I would totally get this if it came with an adult size Spiderman suit.
    I could occasionally switch places with the doll/decoy/sex-toy/statue and jump out and scare people.
    Thats would be awesome!…….right?
    *sigh*

    Adores: 0
  20. 2009 July 29

    alright, is it “life-SIZE” or “life-SIZED” ? i don’t know why that’s bothering me.

    and since when is spidey a good old boy?

    “So, take this good old boy home with you.”

    no thanks, i’m good.

    Adores: 0
  21. 2009 July 29
    mudslicker permalink

    “He is taking up a lot of space here”?*

    Um…newsflash: Pull that little plastic plug, remove the air, fold him up, and I’m sure he’ll fit in a shoe box. OR, remove the air, flatten him out, and tack him to the rec room wall so he’s oriented toward the tv. It’ll be like you have a video buddy over who I’m sure won’t hog the popcorn.

    *lame excuse

    Adores: 0
  22. 2009 July 29

    I wanna ride Spiderman in my vehicle! Just saying. Should I ride him in the front seat or back? Is it safe sex if he’s a decoy?

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 8
      D / DM permalink

      It’s definitely not safe in the driver’s seat. It’s a little known and hotly debated pseudo-fact that Spider-Man sex is a leading cause of automobile accidents.

      Adores: 3
  23. 2009 October 3
    Duckie30ca permalink

    “He is taking up a lot of space here”?*

    Um…newsflash: Pull that little plastic plug, remove the air, fold him up, and I’m sure he’ll fit in a shoe box. OR, remove the air, flatten him out, and tack him to the rec room wall so he’s oriented toward the tv. It’ll be like you have a video buddy over who I’m sure won’t hog the popcorn.”

    I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but my 8 yr old has one of these in his closet, which he won at our local fair this summer.

    It’s not inflatable. It’s stuffed. And it really does look like it’s grabbing its crotch all the damned time.

    Adores: 0
  24. 2012 October 20

    Spiderman, Spiderman,
    Does whatever a dummy can.
    Have him watch your TV,
    Or use him in the HOV.
    Look out!
    Here comes the Spiderman.

    Adores: 5
  25. 2012 October 20

    This is a nice item to have in your home if you want to sit on the sofa as a decoy when you are not home.

    I don’t think I’d want to leave him home alone; all he’d do is spend all day on the web.

    Adores: 6
  26. 2012 October 20
    DigitalAxis permalink

    And then for extra fun, find a costume that’s the exact same design, and after those durned kids get used to StuffedMan, sit there wearing the suit yourself, and jump out at them.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 October 20
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Or, when you need some quiet time, put the kids in the suit. The exasperated screams are nicely muffled by that extra stuffing.

      Adores: 0
      • 2012 October 20
        DigitalAxis permalink

        Or spider man can stick them to the ceiling with his duct tape web.

        Adores: 0
  27. 2012 October 20

    My Windy-senses are tingling! It’s a trap! Doc Ock posted this, and is going to take hostage anyone who comes to pick up the item.

    Or maybe I’m overreacting from lack of sleep. I’ll get back to you,

    Adores: 2
  28. 2012 October 20
    One Moving Violation permalink

    “And it really does look like it’s grabbing its crotch all the damned time.”

    Well, when was the last time you took him to the potty?

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 October 20
      Brer Fox permalink

      Actually it looks like he’s in pain as if someone kicked him there. I’m thinking America’s Funniest Home Photographs.

      Adores: 2
  29. 2012 October 20
    Brer Fox permalink

    Spied her, man, spied her, man.
    Didn’t move when he spied her can.
    Acting like he’d never watch.
    Because she kicked him in the crotch.
    O0www! ‘Cause he spied her, man.

    Adores: 3
  30. 2012 October 20
    P-Rex permalink

    If he wasn’t wearing that mask, he’d be cathing flies right now.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 20
      P-Rex permalink

      What I meant to say is, “If he wasn’t wearing that mask, he’d be catching flies right now.”

      I imagine cathing would be quite uncomfortable.

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 October 20

        And really, really hard to do! You’d need a magnifying glass, at least!

        Adores: 0
  31. 2012 October 20
    P-Rex permalink

    Spiderman? Spiderman?
    Are you really a spider fan?
    Sitting there in your seat.
    Spinning webs of deceit.
    Sooo, are you a spider fan?

    Adores: 1
  32. 2012 October 20

    Spiderman sitting
    Those hands grabbing at the crotch
    He must have to pee.

    *snaps fingers* Ya dig?

    Adores: 2
  33. 2012 October 20

    You know, with the right alterations, this could be the life-sized Batman I’ve always obsessively fantasized about wanted.

    Adores: 2
  34. 2012 October 20

    Can you read my mind?
    Do you know what it is, I’m thinking of?
    Tell me who you are?
    Just a dummy and you won’t be sold!

    Adores: 0
  35. 2012 October 21

    CapnMac was a young man when he went to sea,
    He took IF along, a commander to be,
    Oh tell him young ladies, go and tell him for me,
    Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Peter Parker!

    Adores: 0
  36. 2012 October 23
    Brer Fox permalink

    U+1F44D

    Adores: 0

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