You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: ew.

  • YSaC, Vol. 404: Sponge bath time!

    Care Giver for Elderly Nudist – m4mw – 51

    Experienced Caregiver or Elder Babtsitting while you go to store etc. Im a nudist and will care for your elderly free
    if I can do it nude. Up to 3 hours free

    I have face id; a longtime resident of [location] and am dd free. Im 51 male and have cared for people for
    about 25 years, family mostlty.

    Let me know

    Wait … what? If I parse the title, it sounds as though someone is looking for a caregiver for an elderly nudist. In the ad, though, it turns out you want to take care of old people while YOU, YOURSELF, ARE NUDE. And you’re willing to do it for free, IF YOU CAN DO IT NUDE.

    Oh. Hell. No. Look, I’m all for nudism, and I’m all for elder care, but some things just don’t mix, okay? And why is this posted in Strictly Platonic instead of, say, Volunteers or Services?

    Thanks for the submission, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 393: If by “washing” you mean “kill it with fire”, then yes.

    Mens suit (pants and jacket)

    This is a pin striped gray suit the jacket is a 40 L the pants are 33 x 33 Magic Stretch by Haggard. The good thing about it besides being free is it is machine washable. Its been hanging in a bag in the basement closet for at least 7 years now. sooooo… It could use a washing before you wear it.put xxxxxxx in search box to see all things for sale & free

    Oh and we are smokers
    393

    I’ve never, ever associated the phrases “good thing” and “machine washable suit” together before. I’ve also never, ever considered wearing clothing that has been in a smoker’s basement for seven years and that even they describe as “could use a washing”.

    This was sent in by Relentlessly Optimistic, who runs an amusing blog of his own.

  • YSaC, Vol. 369: I’ll just sleep on the floor. Thanks anyway.

    BED BUGS ARE BACK!…everything needs to be gone in 2 weeks!! – $1

    I’m moving out of state in a few weeks due to hygienic difficulties…I need to sell everything!!!

    couch $200
    white bookcase $70
    bedframe/mattress and side table $250 (not until last week of June)
    oak bookshelf $15
    wicker chair from Pier1 $60
    EVERYTHING IS IN GREAT CONDITION!!

    I will be having an garage sale through RSVP only- on Sunday June 14 all day!!!
    books, clothes, desk w/ file, desk chair, misc kitchens and bathroom treasures!!
    371a371b

    371c371d

    You’re moving.

    Because of bedbugs.

    And so you’re selling … your couch and your bed.

    *scratches*

    No thanks. I think I’ll try to find another bed on Craigslist. There must be other ads for beds on Craigslist, right?

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.

    i wont to sell my sperm – 25

    hight 6’4”
    weight 290 lbs
    eyes green
    hair dirty blond
    no helth problems in family
    decient lookin young man in need of
    a little cash do to hard times i have three
    beautie kids now will send a pic only if really interrested
    if you decide to make a purches 200$ per cup
    no inter corse required donation will be provided in a cup at your choice of location
    100 when we meet the the other 100 after you geet the goods contact me at xxxxxxxx_56@yahoo.com
    thanx and have a good day

    Megs sends this in, saying, “Who wouldn’t ‘wont’ to spend $200 to ‘geet the goods’ from this guy?”

    I don’t know … the asking price might be a little high, especially considering this offer:

    sperm donor – 30

    I would like to offer my hepl to you get a baby.

    I dont need sex I only want to help.

    5 years without alcohol 4 no tobacco.

    healtly. and so handsome.

    if you want I send you a pic.

    anyway I want only to help.

    my dream is to be father this mean that Im open to a relationship.

    get married and every thing about love.

    thanks.

    He’s willing to offer his hepl to get me a baby. And here I thought we only had HepA through HepG — he has a flavor of hepatitis that hasn’t even been DISCOVERED yet!

    And then there’s this:

    Lets get pregnant!

    I want at least 20 kids, all under one roof, so don’t be the jealous type, one women couldn’t do that, even if she could it’d take 20 years, unless she used in-vetro to have multiple, multiple births, which I would never let happen with my sperm. My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.

    You’re right; one woman couldn’t do that. Even the Duggar family only managed 18 kids in 24 years. Slackers.

    But you, with your magical sperm and multiple all natural baby machines, will almost certainly be able to create a farm full of infants that you will raise to create run-on, comma-spliced sentences in your image. If all goes well, that is. After all, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

  • YSaC, Vol. 357: No connection.

    Liz sends in some “Missed Connections” posts, with this explanation:

    “Okay, so there is this guy who ALWAYS posts Missed Connections on our local CL.  He always writes the same things, so we always know it’s him.  And now we also know that when a 37-year-old pops up on there, it’s most likely him.  Some of our favorite lines of his are: “You was pretty and sexy,” “I want to hook up with you,” “we made eye contact,’ and, our favorite, “hope the girl see this.”

    We (me and my co-workers) have been following this guy’s posts for about 3 months now.  Every time one pops up, he’s at a new location, and it’s always some sort of eatery. We just don’t understand how one guy can have soooo many missed connections in his lifetime, and it’s always when he’s at lunch or dinner! These are just three that he’s posted in the past month.”

    waitress at The Grill – m4w – 37

    Date: 2009-06-05, 10:40PM EDT
    was eating at the grill on June 4 around 7:30pm.the waitress was young and fine.she had long dark hair with black jeans on and white shirt.if you are the girl tell me what i was wearing or what i order to eat.we chat a little.really would love to hook up with the girl.hope the girl see this.the girl shirt was low cut and showing some clevage

    Why do I get the feeling that by “we chat a little” the guy means, “You asked me what I wanted to eat, brought me my food, asked if you could refill my Coke, and then brought me my check”? And that he thinks that means that they’re soulmates? Well, they were soulmates until a few weeks later, at least, when …

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 346: For the love of all that is good and right, please help this man.

    Lost My Teeth

    PLEASE HELP I HAVE LOST MY TEETH!!!! Thrusday night I missed placed my teeth, They are whitish with a little tobacco staining and there were three of them. My have left them at southside billiards or at the truck stop in Richmond Hill. I would like to get them back it is hard to eat, anything but soft food. And my tobacco does not like to stay in place. There is a reward they are my good luck chram PLEASE HELP ME FIND THEM!!! Call xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for Jim

    I … just …

    Ew.

    Thanks to Kati for the submission!