You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: ew.

  • YSaC, Vol. 342: At least they’re honest.

    Two entries in the “Even free isn’t cheap enough for me to want this” category:

    Free ikea rug – dirty as hell

    8×12 or so. Light blue with circles on it. We got it from ikea like three years ago, then our little dog peed on it a lot. I tried to clean it by washing it down outside but it still seemed to smell funny, so I put it in our shed, where a small mammal seems to have converted it into a nut and acorn storage locker. So then Sunday I put it on the curb, where it got rained on.

    2 White IKEA Tullsta Chairs

    Getting rid of two chairs our cat continues to urinate in. We have gotten the smell out with cleaners such as SCOEx10, but he continues to urinate in these two chairs. Additionally one of the chairs has no cushion as the dog tore it up. Pickup only email for location.

    Look, we all appreciate the honesty, but at some point you have to give up and realize that no, nobody is going to want your urine-stained rug or chairs. That is, unless someone is decorating their house in an early black light disco motif, at which point the rug and chairs would be perfect.

    Thanks to Lisa and Caroline for the rug entry and Liz B. for the pee chair entry!

  • YSaC, Vol. 334: I don’t even wanna know.

    Smooth or Chunky – m4w – 25

    Looking for an attractive female to pose nude or partially nude for amateur art. I am not creepy. I will pay you in peanut butter.

    I know this is a euphemism for something, but I really, really don’t want to know what.

    What’s the current exchange rate for US $ to peanut butter? You mention both the smooth and chunky options in the headline — is the exchange rate different depending on whether the peanut butter is chunky or creamy? Reduced fat? Organic? What if the model has a horrible allergy to peanut butter — what alternate currency are you prepared to offer? The pinto bean market is way down these days, so no self-respecting model would work for that. Have you considered all that bananas have to offer as a currency? I mean, they come in bunches, so they’re easy to transport and count. And they come in their own convenient carrying case.

    Thank goodness he’s not creepy, though, because that would just be weird.

    Thanks (I think) for the submission, Ellen!

  • YSaC, Vol. 290: It gets a 6.5 from the Romanian judge.

    These two entries are both from the same metropolitan area:

    student wants to learn doggi style

    I want to learn to do doggies with style…..and perhaps photography

    My desperate hope that this was someone asking for instruction on pet grooming were dashed when I realized that this post came from the “Adult Gigs” section.

    As does this:

    private lap dancers wanted

    big breast and boobs a plus no exp. nessacary

    This guy’s demanding — he wants a big breast AND boobs. I’m no slouch in the boobs department, but I don’t also have a big breast, so I guess I’m out. If the boobs don’t have to be big, we could set him up with these boobs. That might teach him to be a little more specific.

    Thanks, oliveees, for ruining my faith in humanity just a little bit more.

  • YSaC, Vol. 272: He’s got a wocket in his pocket.

    Living Breathing Dildo – m4w

    ok let me put this as clear as possiable This is a for real deal !!! I am clean D&D free MAN looking too get LAID no games no hassels,just some straight up N.S.A,, I am not a pyscho or crazy Just going throuh a very shitty DIVORCE and dont need any BS in my life at this time.. Can and willing to be discreet, will travel too you.. ready willing and able for what ever you want to do,, as long as i get LAID…. now now for those of you who cant read small print… I WILL NOT GO AND JOIN ANY OTHER BS WEBSITE,,,AND IF YOU ARE NOT AN AMERICAN OR AT LEAST LIVE IN AMERICA DONT BOTHER REPLY’N.. This is your one best shot at the best sex of your life i will gaurintee you a orgasiam if not multiple… Friday— saturday—- sunday only then your S.O.L…

    272

    Danielle sends this in, saying:

    “I am afraid to leave the house knowing that this guy is lurking somewhere in my small town. What amazes me is that someone would have the chutzpah to post an ad like this AND include a picture in a small town? There’s about 13,000 people in this town and it’s one of those places where everybody knows everybody else. I bump into people I know all the time at the grocery store & at the local restaurants- and I’ve only lived here for 1 year…I don’t know that many people. So the chances of me randomly bumping into this….cunning linguist…? at the local Wal-Mart are fairly high! A risk I’m not sure I’m willing to take!

    However I am oddly curious as to what an “orgasiam” is….I don’t believe I’ve ever had one. Is that what happens when you have sex while reciting Dr. Seuss?  ‘I am Sam.  Sam I am.  Do you like orgas-i-am?  We can do it here or there….we can do it everywhere!  Orgas-i-am in a box!  With a fox!  On the rocks!  Wearing socks!’”

    I’m not really sure how to tag this. I don’t have a “wet my pants laughing” tag, but I think this might just warrant it.

  • YSaC, Vol. 256: Granny panties!

    Pantyhose – $7

    Cleaning out granny’s dresser and she had bunches of pantyhose, some are vintage! As you can see in the pic…. some have white or cream colored panties with a sandstone hose. One pair is more like a girdle top with hose attached. And one pair are dark sheer with the dark colored heel and toe that were probably back from the 1960’s!!! This pair is obviously been worn, the others look new, but I couldnt swear to it! Please note these are not for plus size people, granny was small and from the tags in the pantyhose they are mostly listed as average! There’s 11 pairs total for only $7 Cash only, pick up only!

    If this ad is still appearing…… then the item is still available. Dont clutter up my mailbox asking stupid questions like “Is it still available?” Especially 5 minutes after the ad appeared! Ill just delete the email w/o answering it! I try to list all info with the ad including a picture. If I dont have one, then its not included, so dont write asking, “Do you have a picture?” Obviously I dont! Prices listed are what I would like to receive for an item, you’re welcome to write and make me a decent offer and I might accept it unless I list the price as “FIRM”! For the low ball offers, you know what you can do with them! Those will be deleted also! If you’re really interested in the item, write and tell me what day and time you would like to come out to purchase the item! And please show up when you say you will or email me to reschedule! My time is as valuable as yours and waiting for someone to show up is taking away from things I have to do.

    Phoebe sends this one in, saying, “Wow. I really love that this person is a) selling off granny’s pantyhose collection and b) spends more time basically telling interested parties to fuck off in one way or another than she does describing the pantyhose.”

    I want to email this charming person and say, “Are they still available? Do you have pictures of the dark sheer pair? What size are they all? I’ll give you $3 for all of them, and I can show up sometime between Wednesday and two Thursdays from now.”

    Anyway, I’m aware that some vintage lingerie is actually desirable. Dead Granny’s possibly-used pantyhose? I’m going to categorize that one under “ew.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 244: Also available in … ew.

    Free couch Cream

    Must pick up TODAY.

    Jennie sends this one, saying, “I can understand their urgency. Couch Cream expires so fast after you open it.”

    Hmmm, I wonder why that made me think of this one, sent in by Allison?

    Sofa cum bed – $225

    We bought a comfortable futon from Ikea about six months back. It is a beige color sofa cum bed and is in very good condition, just like new.

    Product Descriptions are given below –
    Key features
    Easy to keep clean with a removable,machine washable cover.
    Choose from three different mattresses and a variety of covers to create a combination that suits you – covers are still available in Ikea.
    Easily converts into a bed big enough for two.
    Extra covers are available for variation and renewal.
    Pliable mattress in high-resilient polyurethane foam and latex molds itself to the shape of your body; has extra long lifespan and is suitable for use every night.
    Mattress filled with high resilient polyurethane foam with a top layer of latex; follows the contours of your body and helps keep your backbone straight.
    Latex facilitates air circulation in the mattress and helps moisture to evaporate.

    We are selling it for $225.00. The same is available in Ikea for $350.00 + taxes = $375.00.

    If you are ineterested, please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. We can always reconsider the price.

    Can you reconsider the use of the word ‘cum‘? Yes, it means “along with” or “in addition to”, but really? Really? Did you not stop to think that if you’re advertising something that could be used as a couch or a bed, that using the word cum might not be the best choice?

    Because now I’m imagining … well, never mind what I’m imagining. But it’s sticky.