You Suck at Craigslist

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  • YSaC, Vol. 369: I’ll just sleep on the floor. Thanks anyway.

    BED BUGS ARE BACK!…everything needs to be gone in 2 weeks!! – $1

    I’m moving out of state in a few weeks due to hygienic difficulties…I need to sell everything!!!

    couch $200
    white bookcase $70
    bedframe/mattress and side table $250 (not until last week of June)
    oak bookshelf $15
    wicker chair from Pier1 $60
    EVERYTHING IS IN GREAT CONDITION!!

    I will be having an garage sale through RSVP only- on Sunday June 14 all day!!!
    books, clothes, desk w/ file, desk chair, misc kitchens and bathroom treasures!!
    371a371b

    371c371d

    You’re moving.

    Because of bedbugs.

    And so you’re selling … your couch and your bed.

    *scratches*

    No thanks. I think I’ll try to find another bed on Craigslist. There must be other ads for beds on Craigslist, right?

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 368: I hear the helicopter …

    There’s something very sweet about this ad, but there’s also something very, very wrong about it as well.

    Young Bachelor in Need

    Hello my son is 24 and moving into his very first own place today. He just came out of a nasty relationship and is a bachelor. I am with my husband who is a truck driver and we will not be home for two weeks to help. He has no furniture, and any good clean furniture would be appreciated as well as household items including fans , blankets pots, pans etc that no one needs anymore. He can pick up. ( Pictures, comic books old dvds that will keep him busy and u no longer need dvd player anything). He works full time so he is not a slouch, its just rough for young people, and I am not home to help him move or set him up so i feel bad. We are not asking for charity. He can work for good furniture or work out a payment schedule if the items are cheap and things he likes and needs. He is a good boy. He has no bed or living room couch or chair at all and no blankets or fans. I am sure any food donations would also be appreciated. Likewise, I often help others in need and will reciprocate to any person I can help. Thank You and God Bless. Please email xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com or call xxx xxx xxxx. His name is Tony.

    It’s nice of Tony’s mom to try to help out her son, but … ma’am, Tony is 24 years old. He needs to be able to figure out how to do things (like go to the Salvation Army or use Craigslist) on his own now. At some point he’s going to walk into his new apartment and say to himself, “Self, I’d like to sit down but I don’t have any chairs. How can I rectify this situation?” And rather than having his answer be, “I know! I’ll call Mom and see if she has any chairs, or any idea about how to acquire them!”, he SHOULD be able to figure out how to acquire chairs on his own.

    Your son is almost a quarter century old — why are you asking people for comic books or old dvds to “keep him busy”? (Is it wrong that I’m tempted to send a “Thomas the Tank Engine” dvd?) Doesn’t he have hobbies? Friends? Or have you coddled this poor boy so much that he’s strangled his social life with your apron strings?

    Thanks for the submission, ElephantsChild!

  • YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.

    i wont to sell my sperm – 25

    hight 6’4”
    weight 290 lbs
    eyes green
    hair dirty blond
    no helth problems in family
    decient lookin young man in need of
    a little cash do to hard times i have three
    beautie kids now will send a pic only if really interrested
    if you decide to make a purches 200$ per cup
    no inter corse required donation will be provided in a cup at your choice of location
    100 when we meet the the other 100 after you geet the goods contact me at xxxxxxxx_56@yahoo.com
    thanx and have a good day

    Megs sends this in, saying, “Who wouldn’t ‘wont’ to spend $200 to ‘geet the goods’ from this guy?”

    I don’t know … the asking price might be a little high, especially considering this offer:

    sperm donor – 30

    I would like to offer my hepl to you get a baby.

    I dont need sex I only want to help.

    5 years without alcohol 4 no tobacco.

    healtly. and so handsome.

    if you want I send you a pic.

    anyway I want only to help.

    my dream is to be father this mean that Im open to a relationship.

    get married and every thing about love.

    thanks.

    He’s willing to offer his hepl to get me a baby. And here I thought we only had HepA through HepG — he has a flavor of hepatitis that hasn’t even been DISCOVERED yet!

    And then there’s this:

    Lets get pregnant!

    I want at least 20 kids, all under one roof, so don’t be the jealous type, one women couldn’t do that, even if she could it’d take 20 years, unless she used in-vetro to have multiple, multiple births, which I would never let happen with my sperm. My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.

    You’re right; one woman couldn’t do that. Even the Duggar family only managed 18 kids in 24 years. Slackers.

    But you, with your magical sperm and multiple all natural baby machines, will almost certainly be able to create a farm full of infants that you will raise to create run-on, comma-spliced sentences in your image. If all goes well, that is. After all, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

  • YSaC, Vol. 366: Want to buy a weeder?

    Mow that LAWN – $40

    Lawnboy gas powered , people pushed mower, easy start. Ready to go.
    already started today so if you want to see run, come on over for atest drive and finish my lawn.
    xxx-xxx-xxxx, ‘Cause I will be out side in the sun.

    This man is my new hero. “You want proof that this lawnmower works? Here, mow my lawn for me. See? It works.”

    Or then there’s this type of optimism:

    Aerial Antenna

    Hello,

    I have an old-school antenna attached to the roof of my house that I do not need. I don’t know anything about antennas but it looks like a nice one to me. It’s free for the taking provided you bring your own step ladder (at least 10ft tall I’m thinking) and you promise not to fall off my roof. It’s tricky getting on the roof because you can’t lean a ladder on the gutters as they’ll collapse. Anyhow, if interested, please email me to set up a date and time.

    364

    Sara sends this in, with her translation: “I don’t want to pay someone to remove this antenna, which may or may not work.  So, if you have a 10 foot ladder that can magically levitate so that it doesn’t lean against my crappy gutters, and if you promise to not sue me if you fall and break your neck, you can own this fabulous, possibly functional, ‘old school’ antenna.”

    And, of course, there’s this:

    BROKEN BRICKS

    Have a pile of broken bricks from removing a walkway, need gone ASAP bring a truck you haul away………

    364a

    Matt says, “Here, let me clean up your mess for you.”

    I don’t know what the supply-and-demand chain is like for broken bricks these days, but this was posted in Detroit — it’s possible that someone could take these bricks and build a house that would be worth $6.50. Then again, just about every house in Detroit is worth $6.50.

  • YSaC, Vol. 365: I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do Kathryn.

    Fabulous girl – w4m (las vegas )

    <Judy
    Name Kathryn
    Age Years

    Poor Kathryn. She’s always getting compared to Judy. Even non-sentient computers are doing it now.

    Wait, I’m confused. Which one’s fabulous? If Judy is fabulous, what does that make Kathryn? And if Kathryn is fabulous, what superlative does that leave for Judy?

    Less than Judy would be a awesome name for a band, though.

    Submitted by Doug — thanks!

    And just in case you haven’t seen it yet, be sure to check out the live video version of one our earlier spambot postings — it’s so worth it.

  • YSaC, Vol. 364: It’s a crock, all right.

    FROGS FROGS FROGS!!!!

    HELLO ! =)

    I HAVE 4 TREE FROGS (THEY ALL CROCK)

    3 OF THEM ARE DUMPY WHITE TREE FROGS AND THE OTHER ONE IS A RED LEGED TREE FROG

    I WAS HIDING THEM FROM MY PARENTS AND THEY COUGHT ME SO NOW THEY HAVE TO GO =(

    THERE GREAT EATERS , THEYRE REALLY HEALTHY,AND SUPER EASY TO TAKE CARE OF

    THEY LOVE KRICKES AND BEING IN THE WATER BOWL

    THEYER REALLY FRIENDLY LIKE TO BE CARRIED

    THEYRE REHOMING FEE IS $21 EACH

    THERE AS BIG AS YOUR PALM OF YOUR HAND

    Today’s lesson: statistics.

    Let’s say you have three forms of a word that sound the same but are spelled differently and mean different things. I don’t know, let’s say those words are there, they’re, and their.

    Now let’s say that you write something that uses those words five times. What are the chances, if you use one of the three different spellings randomly each time, that you will get the proper word in the proper place completely by accident at least once? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 3 — each time you choose a word at random, there’s a 33.33% chance that it was the right one.)

    Let’s add in an additional complication, just for fun: let’s say that you aren’t content with just the existing (and correct) three forms of the homonym, and you decide to add in your own incorrect version of the word, theyer. Now what do you think the chances are of getting the right version of the word in the proper place at least once is? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 4, or 25%.)

    Okay, okay. Let’s move on and do a different type of problem. Let’s say that you have four frogs, all of which apparently are capable of enlarging their vocal sacs to act as a resonant chamber for the air being pushed through their larynx. Let’s say that you’re keeping them in your house. What do you think the chances are that your parents will not be able to identify this sound and its location?

    Given those odds, and the spelling in the rest of this ad (crock? leged? cought? krickes?), for bonus points: What time will Train A arrive in Chicago?

    Thanks for the submission, Kim!

    Also: Be sure to check out the update I posted late last night, just below this post. It’s a dramatic adaptation of an earlier spambot posting done by a reader, and it’s fantastic.