You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 346: For the love of all that is good and right, please help this man.

    Lost My Teeth

    PLEASE HELP I HAVE LOST MY TEETH!!!! Thrusday night I missed placed my teeth, They are whitish with a little tobacco staining and there were three of them. My have left them at southside billiards or at the truck stop in Richmond Hill. I would like to get them back it is hard to eat, anything but soft food. And my tobacco does not like to stay in place. There is a reward they are my good luck chram PLEASE HELP ME FIND THEM!!! Call xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for Jim

    I … just …

    Ew.

    Thanks to Kati for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 345: There’s also shabby chick, of course.

    SHABBY SHEEK TABLE AND CHAIRS – $125

    SELLING A REAL PRETTY STYLE TABLE COLOR SLATE BLUE , WITH 4 SILK IVORY COLORED CHAIRS . MAKE BEAUTIFUL TABLE FOR DECK AT CAMP OR BACK PORCH ,SUN ROOM . BRIGHTEN ANY DECOR. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL AT xxx-xxxx ASK JIM. THANKS AGIN

    345a

    This makes me want to cry. For the love of Martha Stewart, you over-incomed hipsters, learn to spell shabby chic.

    Even worse, of course … they’re not alone. Click through to see more mangling of fake furniture styles.

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 344: We represent …

    Attractive Couple Looking for Acrobactial Midget – mw4w – 25

    Smart, young sucessful couple is looking for a attractive, short female who is under 4 feet tall.
    We enjoy being active and like to do things out doors. Boating, BBQing, camping, and anything fun.
    Must be athletic or at least willing to do atheletic things like gymnastics and poses.
    This will not be a sexual relationship, unless it leads to that in future.
    No major health problems, 420 friendly is a plus. Must like dogs and mexican hats

    Please respond with pictures to get pictures!
    Hope to hear from your shortness soon!

    My brain can’t parse the word “acrobactial”. I keep seeing antibacterial. “The Antibacterial Midgets” would be a terrible name for a band, though.

    I think this came out of a conversation in which the couple sat down and said, “Are our friends diverse enough? Let’s see, we’ve got Mike — he’s gay AND African-American, so that covers two. Mindy is half-Asian — does that count? We’ll have to look for more Asian friends. Rafael is Hispanic, Sandeep is from India, and Björn is from Sweden. You know what we’re missing? A midget. Let’s put an ad on Craigslist looking for a midget friend/sex partner. Then we’ll officially be diverse and hip.”

    I mean, let’s be honest here: who doesn’t need an athletic, weed-friendly, mexican-hat wearing midget in their lives? I know I do.

  • YSaC, Vol. 343: These sound like fine young drunken men.

    Private Beach Rental

    Looking for a private beach to rent for a weekend retreat party. Must be noise friendly. Would like to rent from friday – sunday but would consider Sat-Sun. I’m not looking for a “beach house” in a beach town with uptight controlling town council. The property must have its own private beach on the water with sand without close neighbors. I don’t want Old Lady Neighborhood watch with nothing better to do with her remaining 186 days on this earth, Harry Homeowner Association with a piece of coal up his butt trying to make a diamond, or Miserable Husband with judgemental inlaws on another crappy beach vacation with extended families’ bratty kids forced by the wife; calling the 5Os or Rent a Cops on some mid 20-30 somethings having a good time. email for more details.

    Pete sends this in, with a translation: “My drunken frat brothers and I would like to destroy your beach house, but we don’t want to be arrested, clean up, or have anyone know about it until after we leave. Also, Jimbo will be puking in your sink while Johnny D jumps from the roof into what he thought was a swimming pool, and your pants will later be sued off by his estate. If all of the masochistic homeowners wishing this fate upon themselves would form an orderly line to the right, I will be accepting bids shortly.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 342: At least they’re honest.

    Two entries in the “Even free isn’t cheap enough for me to want this” category:

    Free ikea rug – dirty as hell

    8×12 or so. Light blue with circles on it. We got it from ikea like three years ago, then our little dog peed on it a lot. I tried to clean it by washing it down outside but it still seemed to smell funny, so I put it in our shed, where a small mammal seems to have converted it into a nut and acorn storage locker. So then Sunday I put it on the curb, where it got rained on.

    2 White IKEA Tullsta Chairs

    Getting rid of two chairs our cat continues to urinate in. We have gotten the smell out with cleaners such as SCOEx10, but he continues to urinate in these two chairs. Additionally one of the chairs has no cushion as the dog tore it up. Pickup only email for location.

    Look, we all appreciate the honesty, but at some point you have to give up and realize that no, nobody is going to want your urine-stained rug or chairs. That is, unless someone is decorating their house in an early black light disco motif, at which point the rug and chairs would be perfect.

    Thanks to Lisa and Caroline for the rug entry and Liz B. for the pee chair entry!

  • YSaC, Vol. 341: Have you tried AFF? They suck too.

    Flying solo is not as much fun – w4w – 21

    Well, this’ll be my last post over here … I’m going to head to clerotic.org if it doesn’t work out.

    I am a 26 year old, single female looking for a friendship that might develop into something more. I am an elementary school teacher and I love children and hope to have some of my own one day. I am looking for a good man with good, Christian morals who would like to have a family and live happily ever after when he meets the right woman. Maybe we are right for each other. We will never know if we don’t take a chance.

    1. Are you 21, or 26?
    2. Headline says w4w, text says you’re looking for a man.
    3. A good Christian man with good morals.
    4. And if you can’t find him, you’re going to try posting on clerotic.org — the “Craigslist Alternative for Erotic Services”.

    That sounds like a great plan. I’m sure you’ll find a good Christian man with good morals with THIS ad … and if not, I’m sure clerotic.org will work out, since there’s only 482 ads in the section for your area, 480 of which are w4m. (The other 2 are m4m.)

    Do you think this might possibly — just maybe? — be a fake ad? (On CRAIGSLIST? Say it ain’t so!) I’m guessing it’s meant to drive traffic to clerotic.org … because, you know, that’s where all the good, moral, Christian elementary school teachers are hanging out these days.

    C’mon, guys. At least make it plausible. “I’m a hot, horny slut and if I can’t find anyone here I’m going to clerotic.org.” THAT’S plausible. (Well, as plausible as believing that a nubile hot young thing would be posting on Craigslist in order to hook up with someone, anyway.) “I’m a good Christian 2nd grade teacher and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to browse clerotic.org from the computer in the school library?” Not so much.

    Sigh. Do I need a tag for spambots, too?

    Thanks to Kiersten for the submission!