You Suck at Craigslist

Category: furniture

  • YSaC, Vol. 503: I see a red pew and I want it painted black.

    In my delirious stream-of-consciousness holiday survival mode, these things go together:

    Free pain! Lots of it!

    Now I know some folks are into that kind of thing, and that’s fine. I just want to point out what a difference a “t” makes. It seems like something you might want to include in your title.

    FREE OIL-BASED PAIN

    @ [Name of] Church.

    No thanks, I’m not Pomponio Algerio. It’s nice to see that religion is sticking to its traditions, though.

    And while we’re on the topic of churches …

    Free Church pews…please them.

    Amanda sends this one in, saying, “The church pews are not pleased by your offering. The church pews demand a tribute of bedazzled Jesus belt buckles.”

    Make it so, or you know what will happen!

    Thanks to Kevin, Jen, and Amanda!

  • YSaC, Vol. 477: Giggety giggety.

    4.2 Lbs Quagmire – $18000

    I have 4.2 lbs of quagmire selling for 1/2 price. Be the first to have your own to mount over your fireplace. One of a kind, never before offered.

    This is perfect! I’ve been looking for 4.2 pounds worth of soft, spongy wetlands to hang over my fireplace. And it’s on sale for half price!

    It will complement the mange I’m using as curtains and the sofa I just got:

    BEAUTIFUL VIBRANT orange sofa and loveseat

    I am moving from my house to a small pop up camper and must sell my beloved sofa and loveseat. Brand is Cashley. The fabric is textured , feels similar to sandpaper, and the color is a rich bright orange. This set was $2,000 approx 8 years ago. Now asking $1000. Kept in kid/smoke free environment, yet was a cozy napping place for my 5 long haired cats and 1 sheepdog with a skin condition. I will include the 4 hot pink throw pillows. No email scams please.
    477

    My living room is complete.

    Thanks, sara and renabean!

  • YSaC, Vol. 459: When the moon hits your eye …

    Words borrowed from other languages can be confusing, y’all. I mean, they don’t sound like they look — or is that they don’t look like they sound?

    Take armoire, for example. Oh, it looks so innocent just sitting there, but don’t let it fool you. It is an evil, evil word. Witness the mayhem it causes on Craigslist — and these are just from the titles of posts!

    Armor
    Amour – $250
    ARMORIES – $500
    2 Amoure, excellent condition (thats’s storage things for guys) – $40
    1950’s antique mirrored amoir – $100
    Entertainment Center/Armwour
    NICE ARMOUR AND DRESSER
    TV Armwaure – $50
    Armory and Piers
    Aromora and Chest of Drawes : Must Go – $10
    Armwor – $500

    (later misspelled again as “aourmor”)

    These listings are courtesy of Jenny, Dani, Sara, Ciera, Cynzano, Ethan, hdickie, Chelsea, KCBlueGal, Steve, and dakota.

    And then there’s Jess, the patron saint of armoire misspellings, who submitted these armoronic treasures:

    Mahogany Amoire
    TV armiore/entertainment center
    Armoir – TV Entertainment Center – $125
    Mirror Armore for sale – $150
    Armoure with drawers and hanging rack
    Pier 1 Imports Amore’ – $250
    Cabinet Admoir closet – $225

    I think my favorites are the armwaure (just keep adding letters, you’ll get there eventually!) and Amore’. (It’s foreign, it must require an accent, right? But don’t bother figuring out how to actually make an accent, just use an apostrophe.)

    I also like the condescending yet misspelled and ungrammatical “thats’s storage thing for guys” — I’m unclear on whether this person thinks that only males may use an armoire, or whether they think that guys are too uncultured to know what an armoire is. Dan thinks that it means that that’s where one stores one’s guys … um, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean out my armoire before Dan looks in there.

  • YSaC, Vol. 438: The daring young man on the …

    It’s been a while since we had a nice French Prudential piece, hasn’t it?

    French Pervential – $3200

    French Pervential 3 pice sofa Loveseat And arm chair Two End Tables One coffe table Very Clean Excelent Condition Like New $3200 O.B.O For more info call at xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for bob

    Somehow I always pictured pervential furniture as involving a lot more black leather and eyebolts. I don’t even see any trapezes. I’m so disappointed.

    cought &chair – $500

    1960es french proncial chought &chair good shape

    Just couldn’t even be bothered, could you? It’s barely worth getting out of bed in the morning for a measly $500 anymore, I’m sure — why should you make all the effort to spell out the word “Provincial” or come anywhere near approximating the word couch?

    Just out of curiosity, I checked. There are 211 words ending with -ght in the English language. As far as I can tell, not a single one of them is pronounced with the same ending sound as the word couch. In related news, it’s official — the internet is completely full. If there’s a site listing the 211 words that end in -ght, there’s nothing more to be done.

    Thanks to jentherose and Diana from Vancouver for the submissions!

  • YSaC, Vol. 435: Taylor-made for your approval.

    Heavy Duty Cabinet/Shelf – $15

    I have here a nice heavy duty cabinet/shelf. I put towels on the top and bathroom stuff in the drawers. You can put anything on top and also anything in the drawers. Rather heavy and solid.

    Contact Taylor xxx-xxx-xxxx. Call or Text please. Best Regards.

    435

    Wait a minute, there, Taylor. Are you saying I can put towels in the drawers? Are you sure you want to go that far out on a limb? Do you have anything to back up this wild assertion? I mean, you only ever put towels on the top; are you sure that I can put the towels in the drawers? What if I went totally crazy and put bathroom stuff on the top at the same time? Would my recklessness with cotton balls cause a singularity? Because if so, I can find somewhere else for my Lush bath bombs, I think. This just doesn’t seem safe to me.

    Taylor appears to have some very definite ideas about how his/her furniture should be used. There’s a whole series of these posts in which we are instructed on the correct and alternate uses of furniture:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 434: It’s waiting to take you away.

    Regular readers might remember the Case of the Missing Drawer. I think we may have found a post that solves that problem, and establishes the principle of the Conservation of Drawers in the meantime:

    TALL 5 DRAWER DRESSER – $65

    FOR SALE:

    SOLID PINE 5 DRAWER DRESSER. THIS DRESSER IS 53 1/4 ” HIGH BY 17 3/4″ WIDE BY 18″ DEEP. VERY STURDY AND HEAVY. IF INTERESTED PLEASE CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. THANKS FOR LOOKING.

    434

    It’s the postulated 6-drawer 5-drawer dresser! And, clearly, the one drawer is not subject to the laws of physics. That must be our magical mystery drawer.

    What? Why, yes, I’ll accept the Nobel Prize in Physics for the theory of the Conservation of Drawers! What an honor.

    Thanks to Jake for sending this in; Jake, I’ll split the medal with you, but the cash is mine!