You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 503: I see a red pew and I want it painted black.

Written by

drmk

in

,

In my delirious stream-of-consciousness holiday survival mode, these things go together:

Free pain! Lots of it!

Now I know some folks are into that kind of thing, and that’s fine. I just want to point out what a difference a “t” makes. It seems like something you might want to include in your title.

FREE OIL-BASED PAIN

@ [Name of] Church.

No thanks, I’m not Pomponio Algerio. It’s nice to see that religion is sticking to its traditions, though.

And while we’re on the topic of churches …

Free Church pews…please them.

Amanda sends this one in, saying, “The church pews are not pleased by your offering. The church pews demand a tribute of bedazzled Jesus belt buckles.”

Make it so, or you know what will happen!

Thanks to Kevin, Jen, and Amanda!

Comments

78 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 503: I see a red pew and I want it painted black.”

  1. arallyn Avatar
    arallyn

    Oooh! Crispy heretic! Om nom nom!

    On a side note, free oil-based pain reminds me of pretty much every time I’ve stepped into a Catholic church. I’ve been cut open by palm fronds (literally), hit by that nasty incense ball thing, and been burned by a dropped candle. Something tells me that I’m not meant to be in Catholic churches.

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      I prefer my heretics dipped in chocolate and rolled in crushed pecans, but that’s me.

      The one time I visited a Catholic church, I managed to set my hair on fire a little trying to light one of those votive things.

    2. Maureen Avatar
      Maureen

      You must be a demon. Getting hurt by innocuous Christian paraphernalia is one of the classic signs.

      1. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        That would explain the rash I got from the holy water.

  2. MrWhite Avatar
    MrWhite

    No thanks. I already get plenty of oil-based pain every time I pull up to the pump.

    1. arallyn Avatar
      arallyn

      Ew, don’t remind me. I’ve a 100 mile commute every day my lovely significant other has to teach, and I just switched from a car that gets ~28 mpg to one that gets MAYBE 20 mpg.

  3. isaac Avatar
    isaac

    Maybe they’re giving away baguettes?

    1. rebeccala Avatar
      rebeccala

      ooh, with the francais jokes! well played, isaac.

    2. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      Dang it Isaac, now I want Pain Chocolat.

    3. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      I prefer my pain francais [sorry, can’t make proper accent] to be beurre-based, not oil.

      1. Ed Snyder Avatar
        Ed Snyder

        Lola, if you’re using a PC go Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>Character Map (I made a shortcut on my taskbar). Then you can find the cédille and make cool words like garçon with a simple copy and paste. If you’re on a Mac then I can’t help you.

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Ed,
          I’m on a Mac at home, and a PC a work. I’ll look into this for both. The cédille is not just useful but necessary at times. Thanks!

        2. Bianchi Sound Avatar
          Bianchi Sound

          It’s Option c on a Mac. ççççççç Voila!

          I’m sure the PC way is fun too…

        3. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          çççççç
          I ç what you mean! Excellent. You have been as helpful as your cat avatar’s eyes are mesmerizing. I can’t look at him/her too long, or I fear I will do his/her bidding. Or, he/she will impart great wisdom. There’s something of the feline sage in the look.
          /crazy cat lady

        4. Bianchi Sound Avatar
          Bianchi Sound

          Yes, you are right to fear his awesome power. Luckily he only uses his powers for good.

          Just in case, though, I’ve modified my Avatar for everyone’s protection.

          çheers!

        5. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          That çat is now quite çool. He looks like someone from a documentary on jazz.

    4. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Can I have beignets and café au lait, please?

  4. lost_compass Avatar
    lost_compass

    I could please you.. let me usher you into my sanctuary… I light some candles, and put on some soft organ music. A trickle of Murphy oil soap down your back, across your seat… my chamois massaging you so gently, first in tiny circles, then harder, with the grain, then against it, then with it

    sorry my mind wandered there

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Wow.
      Is it getting a little warm in here?

      You can bring your chamois over and polish my furniture anytime, l-c.

    2. ToBScholarly Avatar
      ToBScholarly

      Wow. I never knew pews could be seen as erotic. I am feeling all warm and tingly inside.

      I wonder how many Hail Marys that is going to cost me.

      1. arallyn Avatar
        arallyn

        Given that you used to be able to murder a woman for only 500 Hail Marys, I don’t think you’re in much trouble there.

        1. tigprincess Avatar
          tigprincess

          Arallyn I’m perturbed that you know this information

        2. Maureen Avatar
          Maureen

          Demons are also known to be very knowledgeable on Church matters. I’m just saying.

    3. TigerShark Avatar
      TigerShark

      Now, I’ll never be able to sit in church without giggling like a Catholic school girl.

    4. Coco Avatar
      Coco

      Rrrrawr.

    5. Colleen in MA Avatar
      Colleen in MA

      whew … talk about a religious experience

  5. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Pew! Pew pew pew!

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      Ouch! That one got through my deflector shield!

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        But Isaac, it was friendly fire!

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          That’s what they all say!

  6. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    Am I supposed to please the pews with free pain?!

  7. mudslicker Avatar
    mudslicker

    I wanna see it tainted, tainted black

    taints
    and
    pews

    Why does my mind not allow me to go any further than sixth grade potty humor? Sadly, Jagger will never be the same for me now.

    As an aside, leave it to lost_compass to turn a Pledge moment into a Harlequin novel.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Seriously. I think I have some hi-dusting to do.

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        Well, I’ll book a High Mass for you. Keep it classic and go with Llama Latin, I presume?

      2. tigprincess Avatar
        tigprincess

        Hi-level dusting is replacement activity when you really need to eat your frog and get down to work!! I find myself using a toothbrush to clean bathroom taps (fawcets) instead of fill£ing my tax return!

  8. tacomagic Avatar
    tacomagic

    I wonder if I can get some nice satin or low-gloss pain.

    But if we’re misspelling anyway, how about some Satan pain or better yet, Stan pain….

    Stan Pain sounds like the lead singer of a metal band.

    1. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      Actually, Stan Pain sounds like an accountant who sings with a metal band on weekends in a desperate attempt to sex up his accountant image. You know, ratted up hair, leather, studs … and wire-rimmed glasses. You can tell which is his mum at the gigs because she sits on a chair provided by management, with her big vinyl handbag clutched on her lap. And she’s surrounded by headbangers.

      I totally want free paint. My apartment needs to be one uniform color, as opposed to various shades of off-white; these range from “you live in the city, what do you expect?” beige to “just repaired the ceiling-leak” pale cream.

      1. jackie31337 Avatar
        jackie31337

        I think that guy works at my office.

      2. tacomagic Avatar
        tacomagic

        Actually I think that kind of Stan probably doesn’t have the last name Pain, it would have to be a stage name.

        I think during the day he would be Stan Johnson CPA.

      3. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        The Habitat for Humanity ReStore near me sells gallons of paint for a dollar, which is almost free. The catch is you can’t really tell what color they are, so it’s a bit like opening a present from an elderly relative; you never know what you will get and there is a really good chance you won’t like it.

  9. Dan Avatar
    Dan

    I am aware of a band called “Stan Halen.” Is that close?

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      I know a guy who cut a record with the Sons of Satin.

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        All hail Laceifer.

  10. TigerShark Avatar
    TigerShark

    Does this pain come in those old metal cans that takes a screw driver to open and hammer to close? Or in one of those more modern plastic-twist top containers? I prefer modern pain, much easier to open and apply.

  11. tigprincess Avatar
    tigprincess

    So the churches are now giving away FREE pain? I thought you had to suffer for it? it could of course be the French version of that old Welsh hymn “Bread of Heaven” (pain de ciel)…and dan how may degrees of separation from Stan Pain to Van Halen?

    1. Stephanie Avatar
      Stephanie

      I think pain has always been free from the churches….

    2. Steve-O Avatar
      Steve-O

      The Flagellants are going to be pissed!

  12. Mimi Avatar
    Mimi

    Isn’t the 11th commandment “Thou shalt please pews”?

    1. Cled Avatar
      Cled

      No, no, no! That’s the 12th.

      Back when I was a schoolgirl at Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility Parish School in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota(*), they taught us that the 11th commandment is Thou shalt not snivel.

      Now you just sit up straight, young lady, right this minute. And stop wiggling around in the pew. And if I see any more jaws working like cows chewing their cud, that gum will spend the rest of the morning on the end of your nose. And stop. that. snivelling!

      (* Apologies to Garrison Keillor.)

  13. CanonicalKoi Avatar
    CanonicalKoi

    “Oil-Based Pain Over Troubled Waters or Please Our Pews: The Role of the Church in Modern Society, A Thesis in Eight Fits” (with all due apologies to Lewis Carroll).

    1. GrahamT Avatar
      GrahamT

      Was that published in the Journal of Craig’s List Studies or in Christian Sado-Masochism Quarterly?

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        I so need to start that journal. The first one, that is.

        1. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          The second one seems more like a vanity press type of thing.

        2. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Where do I pay for my subscription?

        3. GrahamT Avatar
          GrahamT

          In the first issue, you could review Pic’s On MySpace.

      2. Coco Avatar
        Coco

        I believe it was concurrently published in both of those worthy endeavors.

      3. tigprincess Avatar
        tigprincess

        Graham! Yet another train carriage I have to avoid! I newed to find a dark room in which to read YSaC.

        1. Bianchi Sound Avatar
          Bianchi Sound

          Reading YSaC in a dark room in the NEWED! Oh My!

  14. develish1 Avatar
    develish1

    busy as always in here I see? I’ve got to stop taking time out to do stuff(e) like housework and shopping and Christmas prep etc.

    1. Heather Avatar
      Heather

      Me, too. Lately I haven’t made it in until evening. Sigh.

      1. develish1 Avatar
        develish1

        yesterday I didn’t make it at all. I expected to get here today and find someone had stolen my chair.

        1. isaac Avatar
          isaac

          No one has stolen the chair, but Lost_Compass was giving it a knowing look a little while ago. I think he still has some of that Murphy’s Oil Soap left over.

        2. develish1 Avatar
          develish1

          yikes!

          *throws blanket over chair to hide it*

          ah, that’s better, warmer too 🙂

        3. lost_compass Avatar
          lost_compass

          No worries. It takes me a while these days to get back in the refinishing mood.

        4. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Losing some of your varnish? Sounds like you need a good shellacking.

    2. Stephanie Avatar
      Stephanie

      Lately I’ve been getting here in the evening as well… Go figure, today I show up early and my mind is blank. I think someone stole all my wit and snark.

      1. GrahamT Avatar
        GrahamT

        Try slightly overdosing on caffeine then thinking about how unfair the world is. Gets me in the mood every time.

        1. Coco Avatar
          Coco

          Also, you can visit a Paris Hilton fansite. That always gets my snark on.

  15. Bianchi Sound Avatar
    Bianchi Sound

    Free pain? Yeah, right! What’s wrong with it? If it’s so good why are they giving it away? I am so tired of driving half way across town for free pain, only to get there to find out that they really only have a little discomfort, some minor aches, or just a bit of distress.

    Trust me, if you want the real deal, go down to Pain-R-Us, PainMart, or even Pain, Agony and Beyond and pay for the real stuff.

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      If you answer the right CraigsList ad you have have someone deliver the pain to your house, but they charge by the hour and don’t accept charge cards. I guess those leather outfits don’t come cheap.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Do they choke pain?

  16. sweetbiscuit21 Avatar
    sweetbiscuit21

    I quite like this particular almost-egg-corn. To me, painting is my least favourite part of home renovation, so the mis-spelling actually works for me.

  17. emesis Avatar
    emesis

    I think the third one is actually a cry for help. Free the church pews! It would probably please them very much to be freed from their current bondage. Imagine the poor pews with their little legs bolted to the floor… unable to flee, surrounded on all sides by French Perventials with Murphy’s Oil Soap…

  18. Ed Snyder Avatar
    Ed Snyder

    Typos are cool and all. Plus, they can be funny. But they’re not quite on the same laugh-at-the-neanderthals-on-CL-level as some of the other tags.

  19. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    mayhap they meant peeee-yu! as in stinkystanky? you gots me. i’ll be sitting in the last row.

  20. Ed Snyder Avatar
    Ed Snyder

    This video seems germane for some reason:

    Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

  21. Quinn Avatar
    Quinn

    Sesame Street says, “Today’s YSAC was NOT brought to you by the letter ‘T’.”

  22. Cyrus Avatar
    Cyrus

    I think it was supposed to be Church pews…please free them. You know from the demons that have possessed their poor splinters. Because otherwise I’m getting the most sinful thoughts ever.

Leave a Reply

More posts