You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.

    i wont to sell my sperm – 25

    hight 6’4”
    weight 290 lbs
    eyes green
    hair dirty blond
    no helth problems in family
    decient lookin young man in need of
    a little cash do to hard times i have three
    beautie kids now will send a pic only if really interrested
    if you decide to make a purches 200$ per cup
    no inter corse required donation will be provided in a cup at your choice of location
    100 when we meet the the other 100 after you geet the goods contact me at xxxxxxxx_56@yahoo.com
    thanx and have a good day

    Megs sends this in, saying, “Who wouldn’t ‘wont’ to spend $200 to ‘geet the goods’ from this guy?”

    I don’t know … the asking price might be a little high, especially considering this offer:

    sperm donor – 30

    I would like to offer my hepl to you get a baby.

    I dont need sex I only want to help.

    5 years without alcohol 4 no tobacco.

    healtly. and so handsome.

    if you want I send you a pic.

    anyway I want only to help.

    my dream is to be father this mean that Im open to a relationship.

    get married and every thing about love.

    thanks.

    He’s willing to offer his hepl to get me a baby. And here I thought we only had HepA through HepG — he has a flavor of hepatitis that hasn’t even been DISCOVERED yet!

    And then there’s this:

    Lets get pregnant!

    I want at least 20 kids, all under one roof, so don’t be the jealous type, one women couldn’t do that, even if she could it’d take 20 years, unless she used in-vetro to have multiple, multiple births, which I would never let happen with my sperm. My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.

    You’re right; one woman couldn’t do that. Even the Duggar family only managed 18 kids in 24 years. Slackers.

    But you, with your magical sperm and multiple all natural baby machines, will almost certainly be able to create a farm full of infants that you will raise to create run-on, comma-spliced sentences in your image. If all goes well, that is. After all, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

  • Update to YSaC, Vol. 333: Database fail LIVE!

    A while back I posted this shining example of when spambots go hilariously awry, featuring this post:

    The craigs list – 34

    Hello. I am an MAN looking for an WOMAN who is LAID BACK. I am 21 years old and I like to WATERSKIING and also to CAMPING. I am a good sense of humor with a fun and tall.

    My favorite movies are TITANIC, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES, and [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND], but I’m not into chick flicks.

    I like to take my dog, MIFFY in the back seet of my HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTOR CYCLE. Maybe you would like to ride with us?

    My favorite music bands are ABBA, AC//DC, and AIROSMITH.

    336

    Not content to leave awful enough alone, boyofutica has turned this post into a live-action dating video:

    This. Is. Awesome. The rubber duckie bit at the end made me cry with laughter. Thank you!!

  • YSaC, Vol. 359: I’m interested in whatever too!

    Note from drmk on this post: After thinking it through, I’m leaving this post up but reserving the right to delete comments on it, and also reserving the rights to turn off commenting if I decide it’s necessary.

    If I had known the back story on CWC I would not have posted this entry, because while his ad is certainly mockworthy for a number of reasons, he appears to have problems much deeper than sucking on Craigslist.

    A good question was raised by someone using the screen name Delabonte: “So it’s okay for you lot to make fun of sad people, but not us?” This made me think — what is the difference between this website and the wiki websites devoted to attacking CWC?

    I think the difference is that my intended focus on this website is on people’s actions — that is, the ads they write — and not the person as an individual. (I’ll admit straying from that, and the asshat tag is a prime example of targeting the individual and not the action.)

    In contrast, I find the malice against CWC on the wiki websites to be directly targeted at him as a person and way over the line, and that started to happen in the comments here.

    I don’t want that kind of attack to happen here. There’s a difference between saying, “This person did a stupid thing,” and “This person is stupid”. I try to maintain the former, while the group that has, for whatever reason, appointed themselves CWC watchdogs appears to favor the latter.

    Before anyone cries censorship, all I’m trying to do is to maintain the tenor of the blog as I intended it. One of the things I love about the people who are regular commenters on this blog is that you all tend to be brilliant, funny, and clever people, and I’d really like to retain that, as it’s what makes this blog special and enjoyable for me (and I suspect for others). Personal attacks are not brilliant, funny, or clever.

    Thanks. Have a sammich.

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.

    Sara and khs sent in these two posts separately, but they turn out to tell a beautiful story about a man and his … donkey.

    man needs good home – 31

    my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support .i put the ball in your court.i am easy to git along with and love children.so please some body out there you can keep me out of jail and at the very least you would have made a good friend.I would not be posting this add if i had any where elce to go besides jail.i am a good handy man and can do about any thing so please email or hit me up at [spelled out phone number] i have until tonight to git some where i know its a lot to drop on someone but trust me its worth it i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey waiting by the phone

    thank you

    ps can shave if u don’t like that josh aka[donkey]

    358a

    Translation: I’m a deadbeat dad and I’m looking for someone who will let me live with them for free and pay my back child support for me.

    Somewhat unsurprisingly, this strategy seems not to have worked for our friend “donkey”, as this post appeared a few days later:

    your last chance – 31

    here it is i do not care about looks someone needs a man around the house and i am that man i am strait forward and will tell u if u will git any ,i need a place right now so if you are cool anough i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt i am on house aresst just the call in someone call to make shure i am home if any thing you would have made a good friend so i guess hit me up if u need a man or just a dude i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u witch you will know i am strait forward

    He will tell me if I will “git” any, and if I’m cool enough he’ll do work around the house for me? I’m sorry, donkey, my good friend, but given your current circumstances, I don’t think those decisions are entirely up to you. Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

  • YSaC, Vol. 357: No connection.

    Liz sends in some “Missed Connections” posts, with this explanation:

    “Okay, so there is this guy who ALWAYS posts Missed Connections on our local CL.  He always writes the same things, so we always know it’s him.  And now we also know that when a 37-year-old pops up on there, it’s most likely him.  Some of our favorite lines of his are: “You was pretty and sexy,” “I want to hook up with you,” “we made eye contact,’ and, our favorite, “hope the girl see this.”

    We (me and my co-workers) have been following this guy’s posts for about 3 months now.  Every time one pops up, he’s at a new location, and it’s always some sort of eatery. We just don’t understand how one guy can have soooo many missed connections in his lifetime, and it’s always when he’s at lunch or dinner! These are just three that he’s posted in the past month.”

    waitress at The Grill – m4w – 37

    Date: 2009-06-05, 10:40PM EDT
    was eating at the grill on June 4 around 7:30pm.the waitress was young and fine.she had long dark hair with black jeans on and white shirt.if you are the girl tell me what i was wearing or what i order to eat.we chat a little.really would love to hook up with the girl.hope the girl see this.the girl shirt was low cut and showing some clevage

    Why do I get the feeling that by “we chat a little” the guy means, “You asked me what I wanted to eat, brought me my food, asked if you could refill my Coke, and then brought me my check”? And that he thinks that means that they’re soulmates? Well, they were soulmates until a few weeks later, at least, when …

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 352: “Born on Memorial Day” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

    do you want to hang somewhere for memorial day? – 40

    Date: 2009-07-03, 11:17AM EDT

    come and join us for memorial day starts today and tomorrow alot of drinks and food, music all are welcome

    Dan sends this one in, saying, “Notice the date. I can understand confusing Labor Day with Memorial Day, maybe. But … it’s the 4th of July! How do you get the date confused?”

    Maybe they’re just getting an early start on 2010’s Memorial Day celebration. See, it says it starts today and tomorrow — it doesn’t say when it ends. Besides, this was posted in w4m. They’re obviously looking for men with enough, erm, stamina to keep partying.

    Oh come ON, people. It’s the FOURTH OF JULY. It’s right there in the name. It’s not like the Fourth of July takes place on September 23rd or something. Nobody else could make that mistake, right? Right?

    (more…)