You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.

Written by

drmk

in

Sara and khs sent in these two posts separately, but they turn out to tell a beautiful story about a man and his … donkey.

man needs good home – 31

my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support .i put the ball in your court.i am easy to git along with and love children.so please some body out there you can keep me out of jail and at the very least you would have made a good friend.I would not be posting this add if i had any where elce to go besides jail.i am a good handy man and can do about any thing so please email or hit me up at [spelled out phone number] i have until tonight to git some where i know its a lot to drop on someone but trust me its worth it i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey waiting by the phone

thank you

ps can shave if u don’t like that josh aka[donkey]

358a

Translation: I’m a deadbeat dad and I’m looking for someone who will let me live with them for free and pay my back child support for me.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, this strategy seems not to have worked for our friend “donkey”, as this post appeared a few days later:

your last chance – 31

here it is i do not care about looks someone needs a man around the house and i am that man i am strait forward and will tell u if u will git any ,i need a place right now so if you are cool anough i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt i am on house aresst just the call in someone call to make shure i am home if any thing you would have made a good friend so i guess hit me up if u need a man or just a dude i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u witch you will know i am strait forward

He will tell me if I will “git” any, and if I’m cool enough he’ll do work around the house for me? I’m sorry, donkey, my good friend, but given your current circumstances, I don’t think those decisions are entirely up to you. Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

Comments

56 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.”

  1. jackie31337 Avatar
    jackie31337

    After reading many Craigslist ads here, I have to ask: in what part of the USA does “hit me up” mean “call me”? I’m originally from Maryland, and I’d never heard that expression until I read it here. Have I been out of the country too long or am I just getting old?

    1. Clovis Sangrail Avatar
      Clovis Sangrail

      Considering the sources, they could just be speaking moronese.

    2. Shannon Avatar
      Shannon

      They say it in the Midwest, I think. At least, they did in St. Louis.

      1. antoinette jeanine Avatar
        antoinette jeanine

        Some do say that in the Midwest. However, this particular segment of the population tends to have been deprived of oxygen at a crucial point in brain development.

      2. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        Apparently popular in NYC CL personals too, *cough* not that I know anything about that *cough*. Likewise, I had not seen it previous to encountering it on CL.

        1. bradlea Avatar
          bradlea

          people say it in san diego alllllll the time. it’s a dumb bro thing, i guess.

    3. bonni Avatar
      bonni

      I was just going to comment and ask WTF is up with that expression. It’s irritating. It’s not classy. If James Bond asked me that, I would suckerpunch him. It’s just not OK, in almost every context.

    4. Random Person Avatar
      Random Person

      I had heard the expression before, but with a somewhat different meaning. It meant to ask, usually implying begging, as in, “he hit me up for $70 and a place to stay, but I told him to forget it.” I guess I can see how that could devolve into “contact with a request” and then into just “call” — particularly when the one asking to be called thinks he has something other people might ask for. But it’s kind of a dumb expression either way.

      Bonni, you’d never have to punch James Bond for this reason, because Bond would never use an expression like this in the first place.

      1. kristen55 Avatar
        kristen55

        Out here in the NW I have always heard ‘Hit me up’ in reference to someone trying to get money from you.

      2. bonni Avatar
        bonni

        Random Person: you have a good point. So no suckerpunch for him. (James, if you’re reading this, it’s safe to come back to my neighborhood.)

    5. Doug Avatar
      Doug

      I actually thought it was pretty common slang. I’ve heard it used quite a bit.

    6. 'sme Avatar
      ‘sme

      I am in the midwest, and have heard it used. It’s been a while, though. Was more popular a few years back than now.

    7. Dorko_suavo Avatar
      Dorko_suavo

      It’s slang, I think everyone uses some form of slang unless your an english major with a stick up your donkey.

    8. Locke Avatar
      Locke

      We say it all the time in alaska, that’s just what it means. Doesn’t necessarily imply that you should specifically call me, just that you should contact me somehow.

    9. LadyPac Avatar
      LadyPac

      They say it here in NYC all the time. And not strictly in the projects.

  2. Laughingrat Avatar
    Laughingrat

    Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

    I freaking love this blog. It’s like if Twisty Faster critiqued Craigslist. 😀

  3. Galadriel Avatar
    Galadriel

    Man, 31, free to good home. Some upkeep required. No tricks, probably not housetrained.

    1. kristen55 Avatar
      kristen55

      You would be so much better off if you just got a good dog at the pound.

  4. Tlönista Avatar
    Tlönista

    if u need a man or just a dude

    Hah! Says it all.

  5. Meghan Avatar
    Meghan

    I’m horrified. And…strangely aroused.

  6. Lazlo H. Avatar
    Lazlo H.

    He’ll Dio anything? Wow, that’s quite a commitment. I mean, I’ve been known to Judas Priest a thing or two, and I’d even Def Leppard anything within certain limits … but Dio? This Donkey guy is crazy.

  7. caroline Avatar
    caroline

    Child support is only $70 a week? The way these deadbeats complain about it I always thought it was a lot more. What excuse does a seemingly healthy young man have for not being able to come up with $70 a week?

    1. Mik in Montague Avatar
      Mik in Montague

      Really… mine is $400 a week. I would give his left nut to only pay $70 a week.

    2. pony girl Avatar
      pony girl

      Well, his name is donkey.
      I wouldn’t expect much from him, bless his heart.

  8. kt Avatar
    kt

    ive dated a DBD …. not such fun times

  9. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    … unless i realy like u witch you will know

    I’m not sure if he really intended “witch” or “which.” Really could go either way.

    1. Canaduck Avatar
      Canaduck

      I think you mean “‘realy’ could go either way.”

  10. Becky Avatar
    Becky

    What a dreamboat.

    Love the blog, BTW!

  11. Paula Avatar
    Paula

    So, it says he likes kids. Don’t you think if he REALLY liked kids, he would have taken care of his own and not got arrested for neglecting them?

  12. princessluceval Avatar
    princessluceval

    He’s perfect for the woman who’s temporarily between death-row inmates she befriends, because, you know, they’ve gotten dead.

    1. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      HEH! Thanks PrincessL.

    2. Monica Hamburg Avatar
      Monica Hamburg

      That’s about right

  13. Vanessa Avatar
    Vanessa

    Why do they call you “donkey waiting by the phone” my friend? Is it like someone’s idea of a faux Native American name for “ass who waits for call that will not come” ?

    1. J Avatar
      J

      BWAH!

    2. Amaia Avatar
      Amaia

      FTW!

    3. jenn Avatar
      jenn

      I think he’s trying to pimp himself out… “i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey” Perhaps if he had kept his livestock-like member better housed, he wouldn’t be having this trouble paying for the offspring.

      1. eeyore19 Avatar
        eeyore19

        Sounds like he’s one of those guys they talk about in Ezekiel 23: 20 who are hung like donkeys and ejaculate like horses.

  14. dissimilitude Avatar
    dissimilitude

    I think “i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u” translates into “good luck getting rid of me.”

    Do you think his “old lady” that just kicked him out in the first ad could be somebody who answered one of his previous ads?

    1. Doug Avatar
      Doug

      That would mean that someone actually replied to an ad like this. If that is the case, the humanity is doomed tag has never been more fitting.

  15. Violet Avatar
    Violet

    I like the fact that he thinks the only thing about him someone might object to is the beard. Yeah, that’s the problem, guy. You would be absolutely perfect if only you were clean-shaven.

  16. Monica Hamburg Avatar
    Monica Hamburg

    So much awesomeness here – but I’d have to say that my favorite part is the “your last chance”. It’s my last chance to find a dude who is irresponsible and has no home or money…? Sadly, I doubt it.

    1. Andre Avatar
      Andre

      He could’ve just titled his ad “Going our of business sale, all Donkey stock must go!”

  17. brashieel Avatar
    brashieel

    Wow… just wow.

    The sad thing is, I know people like this. Unemployed, behind on child support, but still convinced they’re somehow a prize.

  18. Dindrane Avatar
    Dindrane

    So, he will tell me if I will “git any”… Beside the howling fact that I can already tell him if I’ll be having sex with him (and that’s NO, PLEASE GOD, NO), wouldn’t I already have a pretty good idea if he were going to put out before it happened? Like… we would presumably have been at least affectionate, if not more intimate? (washes brain out with lye of mental image) Or would I just be, say, watching him mop the kitchen between his daily beatings when he drops the mop, his eyes gain a preternatural psychic glow, and he says, “no… you will not git any from me” because his ESP just kicked in?

    And if it’s a surprise that I got some him, how much does that say about him? I mean, if I don’t even notice?

  19. AngloAm Avatar
    AngloAm

    Lemme git this strait:

    I’m to let DBD in my home. While he’s on house arrest. For, you know, breaking the law. And IF, and only IF, I pass muster with him, he’ll deign to give me a few selfish minutes of his slack-jawed rabbit humping. And even though he can’t make a good living as a contractor, if I’m ever so lucky, after degrading himself by attending to my carnal needs, he’ll swing a hammer or some such and do home repairs for me.

    Whereas if I’m not acceptable to him, well, he’ll just steal my oxygen and square footage for as long as he pleases.

    See, this strategy only works for the likes of Carter Oosterhouse, Jason Cameron, Evan Farmer, or blokes of that calibre. Home Repair Hunks. Big sexy guys temporarily down on their luck. Men you’d not be ashamed to be seen in public or the mirror with.

    Men in other words that somebody might want to ‘git’ some from.

    If Mr. Oosterhouse is ever homeless on house arrest, I’d more than definitely make the offer offer and rush, desperately, from hair dresser to clothing store to gym in a feverish attempt to become acceptable to his big grinning hairy sexiness. And then you might not see much of old AngloAm for a month or more.

    For this guy, not so much. God help the poor self-loathing soul who looks at this person and starts finding reasons why it may not be so bad.

    I know because I got this big lump in my throat reading it realizing that not so long ago I would have been that poor self-loathing soul. Thank God for changed times.

  20. Selurnis Avatar
    Selurnis

    This DBD’s post HAS to have been made by a troll, right? I can’t wrap my mind around how someone can be such an asshole and still have made it alive to 31!! And he’s got kids??

  21. Beacon Avatar
    Beacon

    I’d totally hit that.

    1. Leslie Avatar
      Leslie

      The very sad fact of the matter is – someone else did.

    2. Monica Avatar
      Monica

      Can I hit it with a stick?

  22. YouSuckAtCraigslist.com « Daily News

    […] latest obsession. Start here. Or here. Subscribe to Joe.My.God. Social […]

  23. Best Craigslist ad evar!! | Iowa Liberal

    […] Josh needs a place to crash. my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support . […]

  24. Roses Avatar
    Roses

    He supports the argument that people should be licensed to breed.

    Seriously though, he writes:
    “i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt ”

    What does that mean, exactly?

    Is he willing to work on cars between the drywall and carpet? Carport? WTF?

  25. Tweets that mention YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass. | You Suck at Craigslist — Topsy.com

    […] this page was mentioned by heather (@grrlwonder), Daniel Grosvenor (@danielgrosvenor), anicia (@aniciabarefoot), Michael Kaufmann (@thisismikesothe), monicahamburg (@monicahamburg) and others. […]

  26. El Kev Avatar
    El Kev

    If he got kicked out of his house, where is he going to type this ad? I seriously doubt he has a library card. Also, if all he needs is to have someone answer the phone call to prove his “house arrest,” just have his friend (whose computer he is obviously using) answer his CELL PHONE for him.

  27. Alice Avatar
    Alice

    I don’t know if anyone commented on this yet, but I love how he says he ”loves children” in the same paragraph that mentions he’s on house arrest for failing to support his own.

  28. A Man!

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