You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: asshat

  • YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.

    Sara and khs sent in these two posts separately, but they turn out to tell a beautiful story about a man and his … donkey.

    man needs good home – 31

    my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support .i put the ball in your court.i am easy to git along with and love children.so please some body out there you can keep me out of jail and at the very least you would have made a good friend.I would not be posting this add if i had any where elce to go besides jail.i am a good handy man and can do about any thing so please email or hit me up at [spelled out phone number] i have until tonight to git some where i know its a lot to drop on someone but trust me its worth it i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey waiting by the phone

    thank you

    ps can shave if u don’t like that josh aka[donkey]

    358a

    Translation: I’m a deadbeat dad and I’m looking for someone who will let me live with them for free and pay my back child support for me.

    Somewhat unsurprisingly, this strategy seems not to have worked for our friend “donkey”, as this post appeared a few days later:

    your last chance – 31

    here it is i do not care about looks someone needs a man around the house and i am that man i am strait forward and will tell u if u will git any ,i need a place right now so if you are cool anough i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt i am on house aresst just the call in someone call to make shure i am home if any thing you would have made a good friend so i guess hit me up if u need a man or just a dude i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u witch you will know i am strait forward

    He will tell me if I will “git” any, and if I’m cool enough he’ll do work around the house for me? I’m sorry, donkey, my good friend, but given your current circumstances, I don’t think those decisions are entirely up to you. Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

  • YSaC, Vol. 351: But it’s Canadian money, so it’s worth $2.50.

    3 thousnad dollars For Help – 35

    Hello!
    I’m ready to pay any woman willing to help me having my permanent residence,
    If you’r looking for more please tell me email me and leave me a phone number to joing you.

    351

    Andrea sends in this listing from Montreal, saying, “I mean, seriously, if your future depends on trying to break immigration laws by paying a woman to marry you so you can stay in the country, you’d think you could at least take the time to 1) spell check your ad, 2) make said ad understandable, and 3) find a photo of yourself where you don’t look like an asshat wannabe gangsta with mental problems.”

    You also might want to spend a little less time photoshopping bling into your picture.

  • YSaC, Vol. 343: These sound like fine young drunken men.

    Private Beach Rental

    Looking for a private beach to rent for a weekend retreat party. Must be noise friendly. Would like to rent from friday – sunday but would consider Sat-Sun. I’m not looking for a “beach house” in a beach town with uptight controlling town council. The property must have its own private beach on the water with sand without close neighbors. I don’t want Old Lady Neighborhood watch with nothing better to do with her remaining 186 days on this earth, Harry Homeowner Association with a piece of coal up his butt trying to make a diamond, or Miserable Husband with judgemental inlaws on another crappy beach vacation with extended families’ bratty kids forced by the wife; calling the 5Os or Rent a Cops on some mid 20-30 somethings having a good time. email for more details.

    Pete sends this in, with a translation: “My drunken frat brothers and I would like to destroy your beach house, but we don’t want to be arrested, clean up, or have anyone know about it until after we leave. Also, Jimbo will be puking in your sink while Johnny D jumps from the roof into what he thought was a swimming pool, and your pants will later be sued off by his estate. If all of the masochistic homeowners wishing this fate upon themselves would form an orderly line to the right, I will be accepting bids shortly.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 340: I think I’m turning … Part 2.

    This was posted in the personals section of the Osaka Craigslist:

    Hi – 28

    Im a single guy looking for a japanese women whos single and willing to relocate. I work full time for [name] hight school its good pay but great benifits. Im also an auto painter by trade so i like to stay buesy. I got a little shop ware i do my paint work when needed or when i want alittle extra cash. But the school is my maine job and is a state job and will get a pesion when i retier and i do invest into a 403k. Im doing ok for my age. that my work life.

    I enjoy movies and walks and going out for a bite to eat. I love all music as long as i can understand what thare trying say. I realy enjoy the import car seen i love imports so i need an import wife in my life lol (^V^) that will top me off i think. At this moment i share a home with my mother her and my father are going threw a brake up or devorces if u like. So im liveing with her to help her on some of her payments untile shes clear of them. I do drink but im not an every dayer and i smok i stoped for six months and just started agin. What was i thinking? I also enjoy sports indy car raceing and amrican foot ball and hockey. I played hockey all most my hole life.
    Im only going to reply to pic with photos and no site links. Im looking for some one real. If you know some english thats a pluse but i do not juge people my thare lingo.

    Other than that i to meet someone from japyland.

    Please write some stuff about your self so i know your real and seroues to.

    If you are a japanese women who is (are?) willing to relocate to a relatively small town in upstate NY to be with someone who works for a high school, you might want answers to the following questions:

    1. What is his “maine” job at the high school? And what is a 403k? I’ve heard of 401(k)s, and 403(b)s, but this appears to be some combination of the two.
    2. Import car = import wife. Nice. Do you expect to be able to trade her in after she’s got a few thousand miles on her?

    I really hope he’s not a teacher. He doesn’t “juge people my thare lingo.” Too bad I do.

    And … really? japyland? If he’s lucky, maybe she can teach him the Asian language.

    Thanks to Ems for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 337: The Dead Milkmen did it better.

    Punk looking for Punk Girl – 33

    Im still living at Home, and dont have a Car, so I will understand if no girl wants to answer me back,
    but Im a very nice guy, not to nice, and loves Animals, Im realy into 80’s Hardcore Punk and Punk Rock,
    not todays Bands, Im also a Musician, I like going out to Dinners to eat, renting Movies love Horror,
    um I dont know wha else to say, I love my 2 Cats more then Life, and hate People who abuse Animals,
    anyway if your interested in talking more and are not black, then contact me, and no my hair isnt long
    anymore I have a Skater hair cut.

    338

    Wow! I like going out to dinners to eat too! What are the odds? Most people I know like to go out to dinners to bowl.

    I’m also a big Fan of capitalizing random Nouns and of writing what looks like the Word “SUICIDE” at the Top of old Pictures of Myself.

    But causing that needle-going-off-the-record sound by saying things like “… if your interested in talking more and are not black …”? Yeah, um, I’m not such a big fan of that. (Or of Skater hair cuts.)

    Way to break in that “still single?” tag, there, buddy.

  • YSaC, Vol. 331: A woman’s work is never done …

    secertary with photo shop expert

    WERE ARE LOOKING FOR A GIRL THAT KNOWS ABOUT PHOTO SHOP -AND TAKING PICS AND MAKING CATALOGS .
    PLEASE CONTACT ALLEN AT alen@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com

    A … secertary. That knows about photography, photoshop, and making catalogs. Maybe I’m crazy, but that sounds like a graphic designer to me. Or a photographer.

    And of course it has to be a girl, because secretaries are always girls.

    Sigh … so much to snark at. All caps, poor spelling, and misogyny. It was really hard for me not to leave the company name in the email. I would like to point out, though, that it looks like Allen spelled his name wrong in the email. I hope those female photoshop experts were able to figure that one out.

    This reminds me of one of my bosses from a while back; he actually uttered the phrase, “How did you learn so much about computers when you’re just a girl?” In my head, I translated that to, “Thanks for fixing my computer again.” It was the only way I could stop myself from kicking him in the shins with my shiny Mary Janes.

    [Thanks to Caryn for the submission!]