You Suck at Craigslist

Category: etc. jobs

  • YSaC, Vol. 328: Not just Craigslist, Vol. 3

    We’ve had a few posts from kijiji.com in the past, and today I’d like to share a couple of posts from other online classifieds sites.

    From backpage.com comes this help wanted ad:

    … Aggravated Office Manager

    posted: May 22, 2009, 03:02 PM

    We need an office manager for local retail store. Good verbal skills are necessary, great starting wage, potential for advancement, no certification required.Great opportunity for someone who is outgoing with a pleasant personality. We will provide all required training for our staff.

    Salaries start at $750 to $1,000 per week.

    I can’t even think of what word they meant to put in the title. Motivated? Sure. Ambitious? Makes sense.  Aggravated? (But with a pleasant personality, of course.) Are they going to train me to be aggravated? Or do they expect that skill set already and will train me to be outgoing and pleasant? If it’s the latter, my mother has been trying to do that for years and it’s not gone well.

    And then, from OLX.com:

    Suddenly, shots rang out…

    in the food court of one of the area’s busiest shopping malls. It was Saturday afternoon. Hundreds of people, consisting mostly of kids and women, were chaotically scrambling for cover. When the smoke had cleared, it looked like the scene from a movie set. Lots of bloodied bodies, muffled moans of pain, and cries for help. Can you imagine yourself, or your loved ones, caught up in such a nightmare? I can’t, which is where the concept of [Crappy online mall aggregator, or COMA for short] originated. [COMA].com is a web-based mall, consisting of a virtual hodge-podge of stores, which, unlike conventional malls, specializes in wholesale items, great deals, bargains galore, discounts, low prices, and great selections. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bricks and mortar establishment with more varieties of stores ( and more are being added daily ). I put [COMA] together with the hopes of keeping my loved ones out of the malls ( and my nightmare ) as much as possible. It has been pretty effective so far. The kids have been the hardest sell, probably so because their main reason for going to the mall is to socialize. I’ve gotten rave reviews from them about the site, however, so it has been somewhat effective on them. So take a tip from the kids. Take a trip to www.[COMA].com. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll not only save money on items that you purchase, but you will save gas, because all of the stores deliver to your door. So come see why, at [COMA], our name says it all.

    Well, maybe the name I gave you says it all — your store is a crappy online mall aggregator. It’s poorly designed, and whoever is writing your copy has no idea about the proper use of apostrophes or conjunctions. (Seriously: “You’re childs toy’s”? Really? Apparently the online bookstore in this COMA doesn’t have any dictionaries or writing books.)

    Worst of all, you’re preying on people’s fears to drive business to your site. “Shop with us, and you won’t get gunned down in Abercrombie & Fitch like a commerce-driven dog!”

    Maybe not, but I also won’t get that guy standing in the food court offering me samples of bourbon chicken, now, will I? Until you figure out how to offer free samples of bourbon chicken through the internet, I’ll take my chances in the mall.*

    *Though I’m not going into Hot Topic. You can’t make me.

    [Thanks to Sarah for the “Aggravated Office Manager” listing, and thanks to the folks at OLX for calling my attention to their site by offering me money [which I didn’t take] to promote them here. (I’m too damned ethical — I also didn’t take a free piece of jewelry from some site that wanted me to link to them.)]

  • YSaC, Vol. 322: I think I’m turning Asianese, I really think so …

    asian or oriental tutor needed today

    This evening asap i need a asian or oreintal person to teach me the asian language. I pay $10 an hour. Send me your contact information and i will call you.

    Kaitlin says, “I can’t pick a favorite part: The poster’s need to clarify a difference between Asian and Oriental (or oreintal, I don’t know, maybe he pronounces it differently), needing to know THE asian language, needing to learn the language in ONE night, or pondering over what the poster could possibly need it for.”

    Chris also sent this one in, with a theory: he says, “Anything to book that Flower Drum Song audition, right?”

    I’m sure it will only take a few hours to master Asian. After all, something like eight billion people speak it — how hard could it be?

  • YSaC, Vol. 318: I steal mufflers — can I still apply?

    Black Widow Milking Specialist

    Well It looks like it’s come to do this Guys, The Goverment has ran out of Guinie pigs

    You should consider this postion if normal people consider you different,
    All people are normal until you get to know them!!

    To my fellow “___________________” professionals. C’mon Admit it,
    Do you want to give up Sign waving, picking up bottles and cans,
    jumping on the light rail without paying. Do you want to give up
    holding out a sign on busy street medians hoping to get hit,
    then suing the driver? Are you tired of telling people you have a job
    when in fact all you do is stealing Catalytic Converters.
    Would you, Should you for good, if you could ?

    If you would like a way to supplement or to totally replace your current
    income, and maybe I could convince you to try something a little different !!

    If you have Ph-d from Kindergarten you might need to contact me
    If You Haven’t found a job, since my last CL ad you need to contact me
    If you are a single-mom or stay-at-home person you might need to contact me
    If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me
    If you are physically disabled or slightly mentally disabled you might need to contact me
    If you take a shower at the skate board park bathroom sinks you might need to contact me
    If you are under-employed, over-employed, or unhappily employed you might need to contact me
    If you are an non-English speaker or born and raised here and still can’t speak right, you might need to contact me

    Contact me for Date and time on the next hiring seminar.

    [location], Sacramento Ca 95833-3508

    ([directions], North to the Univ Of Phoniex Bldg)

    Bring
    1. A Collared Shirt (women you know what I mean)
    2. Bring no money, you won’t need it
    Ladies and everyone reading this. Minorities, Students, Retired are highly encouraged to attend.
    This is the most Equal OPP you will ever get !!
    xxx-xxx-xxxx (Call me anytime 24 hours)
    xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com

    Best I can tell from a little googling, the address leads to a school for crane operators. It might have been useful for him to say that. Instead he spends the ad insulting his potential recruits and then misspelling the name of the location. (Maybe one of his pitches should have been, “If you can’t spell University of Phoenix, you might need to contact me.”)

    What does it say about me that every time I see “Equal OPP” the first thing that goes through my head is, “Yeah, you know me!”

    Thanks for sending this one in, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 304: Oooh, I’m deail-oieed! Pick me!

    Another listing from kajiji.com:

    Development Internship

    Job Title: Development Internship
    Job Code: 62707
    Location: Beverly Hills, CA

    Job Description: Awad Wiig Poducio Compay seeks ceaive ad moivaed developme ies, wih good compue skills ad kowledge of PHOTOSHOP, EXCEL,WORD, ad WEB DESiGN. Cadidaes mus be deail-oieed, ad skilled a efficie muliaskig. Mus have a ca ad good phoe maes. Ie mus be self-moivaed wih good ceaive juice ad good disposiio. Mus have a ca, 4-5 hous a day 3 imes a week, we will wok aoud you school schedule. Wa o lea moe abou he ceaive pocess of he TV/FILM Idusy ad ge a lo of oe o oe aeio? Souds like fu?The e-mail a sho message abou youself, you school, you coac ifo, ad aach a esumeResposibiliies iclude assisig wih geeal office duies, help maiai ad impleme ew ideas fo ou websie. Wie coveage, email ad pos o websie, ad blog sie. All of hese duies deal wih coe, compleed episodes , wokig o a movie almos fom scach. Please ell Globalkid Vid & Film Facoy ha you foud he lisig a Coac: PLEASE NO PHONE CALLS VIA- EMAIL IS PREFFERED. Via email: melaie@xxxxxxx.comThis employe will accep you esume as ex i body of emailThis employe will accep you esume as a aachme &bsp; Please ell Globalkid Vid & Film Facoy ha you foud he lisig a View all he lisigs fomGlobalkid Vid & Film Facoy Pie Fiedly VesioEmail his o a fied

    Elle sends this one in, saying, “I would think that the “n,” “t,” and “r” keys weren’t working, except the title and one sentence toward the end are spelled perfectly. Maybe this is part of the interview process – you must be proficient at deciphering ridiculous web-speak?”

    Well, not exactly perfectly, since they misspelled preferred (I know, I’m a pedant) … but it does seem as though the capital letters work (note the T in PHOTOSHOP, the R in WORD, and the N in DESiGN, and elsewhere). How very odd. Souds like fu, indeed. I’ve heard of disemvoweling, but this is ridiculous.

    I was eally emped o wie a log paagaph ad delee he same lees ha wee missig i he pos, jus o make you deciphe he ex some moe, bu I would eve do ha o you lovely people. Uless you sed i moe submissios, of couse!

  • YSaC, Vol. 297: The next topic is dish soap.

    This was posted in writing gigs:

    Creative Writer

    In an need of a creative writer, the item is Area rugs and carpets.

    Please send quotes

    We’ve got some creative people here — even though this ad isn’t very inspirational (or, for that matter, informative), let’s see what we can come up with! Area rugs and carpets — ready, set, write!

    [Sent in by fly_girl_5000 — thanks!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 290: It gets a 6.5 from the Romanian judge.

    These two entries are both from the same metropolitan area:

    student wants to learn doggi style

    I want to learn to do doggies with style…..and perhaps photography

    My desperate hope that this was someone asking for instruction on pet grooming were dashed when I realized that this post came from the “Adult Gigs” section.

    As does this:

    private lap dancers wanted

    big breast and boobs a plus no exp. nessacary

    This guy’s demanding — he wants a big breast AND boobs. I’m no slouch in the boobs department, but I don’t also have a big breast, so I guess I’m out. If the boobs don’t have to be big, we could set him up with these boobs. That might teach him to be a little more specific.

    Thanks, oliveees, for ruining my faith in humanity just a little bit more.