This was posted in writing gigs:
Creative Writer
In an need of a creative writer, the item is Area rugs and carpets.
Please send quotes
We’ve got some creative people here — even though this ad isn’t very inspirational (or, for that matter, informative), let’s see what we can come up with! Area rugs and carpets — ready, set, write!
[Sent in by fly_girl_5000 — thanks!]
Area rugs and
carpets you cover these floors
so neatly and well
It was a dark and stormy night. The area rug was in the midst of a carpet existential crisis, wondering “Why am I just laying here, inviting people to walk all over me?”
I got som Area rugs and carpet s I need to get rid of. Brown with some spots but can clean. Asking $551.35, but paid $25,000 originaly. OBO
-Carl
Handmade rugs from Area, very one-of-a-kind pieces colors are white, red and green. Also some carpet, large pieces. Make me an offer I can’t refuse!
-Susie
It was a rug. It was a good rug. A strong, sturdy rug, a man’s rug. The kind of rug you could roll up in on a craggy mountain top while you wait for the bearer to bring up your guns. It was a good rug.
But I’m moving and it’s too small for my new place. $174 obo. Pick-up only.
i would so buy a rug advertised like that!
You should hear me riff on chicken house lumber.
*nostalgic sigh*
This was my first comment on YSaC.
Area rugs have it tough;
Getting stepped on is so rough
On one’s soul. Yet to lie
In one place, I decry.
Rugs must be free, I say!
There do not make them stay!
Instead, sell them to the highest bidder
So of the world they may see the splendor.
Ah, I love poetry…That was beautiful (sniff) brought a tear to my eye.
carpet, carpets i
choke on musty odor my
heart questions the truth of this
shag piled
cum-stained testimony
to final failure
take it out of my life the
burn on my ass healed the
carpet
is $150, 12 years old, Light blue, 7.6m x 4.0m, Buyer to uplift.
All inspiration and creativity can be found with the haiku – sending the buyer into a susceptible zen state, from the more practical:
Do you need a rug?
Area rugs to sell here,
Also carpets, yes.
or
An area bare?
Buy a rug or carpet now.
Prices on request.
to the more poignant:
Beauty is carpet,
Mystery discoveries,
Found underneath it.
Hmmm… one could totally take ‘area rugs and carpets’ into an adult category… is this someone who can’t write their own cheesy ‘I need to hook up’ ad?
“Imagination is the true magic carpet.”
-Norman Vincent Peale
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet”
-Woody Allen
Pay me.
Will I get paid by the word or by the letter?
omg…you all just made my entire day!
Arial rugs are my favorit kind of car pets. Aureole rugs and car pits are both good for fete. Aria drugs and tar pits, I lik them for a flor. Aryan bugs and bar tips are made out off feathrs??? or fluf. Barium mugs and spar . . strips . . . <> <>
= hic!! *falls off barstool*
Jorge knew the rug all to well at this point..that seemingly innocent carpet just laying there waiting like an old adversary- plotting for Jorges next step.
It wasn’t always this way.
As a young boy Jorge and the rug would play together, that is, until that fatefull day…..
Through all the years of their life together, she would never forget that moment. The way he’d looked at her next to the fireplace. The nervous excitement with which he’d descended to one knee on the area rug or carpet. Before he’d even asked, she’d wanted to shout, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Behind every great man, there is a great area rug or carpet. Be great today.
…but the “made in china” hidden beneath her pined “No!, No!”
Would she hold up to such man-handling?
Now though, in the *throws of passion, she dare not let him know she was in fact not a Persian…
@sumguy:
Orientional? Or French Preventional?
I’ve been working on some samples that are too long to post.
One of them, I call The Not-a-Lion, the Which, and the Area Rug.
The other is a musical called simply Rug Doctor!
Have carpet that is easy to lay.
Is it to early to go to the corner? I brought a rug.
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is right in front of an area rug and carpet store that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the carpet samples that the new store clerk had forgotten to take inside when closing.
There once was a rug from Nantucket…..
Who was often submerged in a bucket
Soon he’d had quite enough,
And his texture turned rough,
He cried, I’m DRY CLEAN ONLY, you Sparket!
He turns the lights on again. He shakes his head– he was being ridiculous, no? The room is empty. In fact, it looks better than ever, thanks to the new I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Persian area rug he had gotten at Sparkalicious, Inc. this afternoon. He walks over to it, kicks of his shoes and twirls around on bare feet before collapsing, wiggling himself into the comfiness of new rug.
After a few minutes, he stands up again, smiling down at the rug. It isn’t smiling back. In fact, it is rumpled in the exact shape of a scowling howler monkey. He takes his bare foot and smoothes it out, back to neutral. No sense in thinking that inanimate objects have any of the qualities of howler monkeys, his greatest fear.
He yawns and stretches, reaching his arms into the air. He walks toward the door, hitting the light switch on the way. As soon as the lights are off, he hears it again– the rustling sound, the sound of something soft sibilantly sliding across the wooden floor. Before he can turn the lights on again, something hits him. He struggles, but can’t find anything to grab ahold of on his aggressor. Then– it’s over.
Three days later, when the police show up, they find a room disheveled. Everything is covered in blood. Everything, that is, except for the immaculate faux-Persian rug on the floor. It does, though, appear, before the police walk in, to be smiling.
RUG NOT ON FIRE!
$25
That is totally worth it. I hate it when parts of my decor are on fire. I don’t understand why they keep spontaneously combusting. I’ll come pick it up, just let me light my bike.
Please send quotes
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But I have questions
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*looks around the Snark Lounge* Well, we could use new area rugs in here, but whatever would we do with these old ones?
Beat them
Just beat them? Wooo!
*fights the urge to crotch grab and moon walk*
My bedazzled hooves wont work that way
This rug really ties the room together man.
At the nudist colony We Are Nakey, we offer a large selection of area rugs and carpets to admire.
Line?? What line?
I always said I’d never date a man who wore a rug. And nothing else.
Buy my rugs
OBOs a rug
OBOs OBOs OBOs a rug
Buy my rugs that’s what I sell
My rugs are so pretty you know I don’t lie
Apologies to Windy, I have no tuppence
Damn you Julie Andrews, you don’t rhyme and it irritates me. I am changing this.
Buy my rugs
OBOs a rug
OBOs OBOs OBOs a rug
Buy my rugs that’s what I sell
My rugs are so secret that I can’t even tell
The bearskin rug stared at her with it’s creepy evil eyes. It seemed to be saying “You betrayed me.” She loved to floss it’s teeth and brush the fur. It was her rug. That damn cat kept horking up on it. The cat had to go. She paused and thought, that cat would go perfectly on my mantle.
“Burley, I don’t know about this…” Patch slowed his steps, obviously reluctant. His friend slapped him roguishly on the shoulder.
“Awww, I remember my first time. Nervous as blind dentist and twice as twitchy. Afterwards, though! I was floating, man. Just floating. High on life for days. Well, life and copier toner. You’ll love it!” Burley slapped his shoulder again, propelling his thin frame through the door.
It was dark, so dark, with the dozens of candles burning in blood red votive cups doing little to dispel the gloom. Incense, thick and spicy-sweet, hung in the air like wet wallpaper. As his eyes adjusted Patch could make out vague forms in the darkness.
He didn’t know where to look; there was no safe place to rest his eyes. Everywhere he could see sinuous curves, a splash of startling color, the suggestion of hidden delights. He felt Burley nudge his side.
“See anything you like?”
“Ummm.” Burley laughed, a greasy, oily sound. Patch briefly wondered why he was friends with so repulsive a man and how he had let himself get talked into this. His wife was going to kill him.
“Don’t just stand here staring, go talk to her!”
Grateful that the dim room hid his flaming cheeks, Patch stumbled over to one of the nebulous forms reclining in a corner. He stood there for a second, staring at his feet.
“Are you just going to stand there, honey?” The voice in the darkness was like molten gold, flavored with exotic spices and a hint of world-weary sadness. It caressed Patch in a way his wife refused to unless she had been drinking heavily.
“Have a seat, sugar. I don’t bite.”
He found a chair and sat, pressing his legs together and clasping his hands in his lap. His shoulders curved forward as he tried to make himself as small as possible. The voice chuckled, sounding like a roller coaster of velvet and silk.
“Let me guess – this is your first time?” Wordlessly he nodded. “Don’t worry, honey. It’s easy. Why don’t you tell me what your looking for?”
“Well … I wanted something a little different, out of the ordinary. Exotic. Burley, this guy a work with, he told me about this place and, well…” He trailed off. Abruptly he stood. “This was a mistake. If my wife knew I was here …”
“Relax, darling. You can bring your wife in; I love couples. But no pets. I draw the line there.”
“N… no, we don’t have any pets.”
“Then why don’t you give her a call? I assume that bulge in your pocket is a phone.” Again he blushed, but pulled out his cell phone after a moment’s hesitation. He flipped it open, the screen’s harsh light throwing everything into stark relief. The sumptuous crimson Persian carpet settled its paisley folds to better show her flowing patterns.
“And honey? Tell her to bring one of your window treatments. That way you can see if the carpet matches the drapes.”
That is sooooo awesome! I lub it! 8)
I’ll be in my (carpeted) bunk.
For sale: Area rug, never used.
I like to dream
yes, yes
right among the snark lounge scene
On a cloud shaped couch
I drift in the night
Any place it goes is right
Obos, price firm, take it all away from here
Well, you don’t know what we can find
Why don’t you come with me little Snark
On a magic Craigslist ride
You don’t know what we can see
Why don’t you tell your posts to me
Selling crap will set you free
Close your eyes Spark
Look inside Spark
Let the derp take you away!
(Insert guitar jam)
Last night I found bedazzled hooves
And so I said that I would pay
Before the Spark could answer me
Well, someone traded it for rotten hay
I looked around, a lousy bee’s nests all I found
Well, you don’t know what we can find
Why don’t you come with me little Snark
On a magic Craigslist ride
You don’t know what we can see
Why don’t you tell your posts to me
Selling crap will set you free
Close your eyes Spark
Look inside Spark
Let the derp take you away!
This is great! Highly creative, and fun!
Not only do I LOVE that song, but it had derp in it!!! YAY
derp
I just did a Magic Carpet Ride parody and got 1 door. I’m thinking there’s no one about.
…And that was totally meant to be in response to your other comment below, Lara. Dur de dur… Wiiiiinnnnddddd… can you move it?
Alas, I can edit comments but not move them. I even tried using ropes and pulleys, but they won’t budge!
Magic Carpet Ride By Edwina Reizer
Take me for a magic carpet ride.
Let that magic carpet glide
slowly so I can see
all the places where misery
lives every day.
Let it glide over Iraq
so I can see why our boys can’t come back
to their babies and wives
and try best they can to get on with their lives.
Let it glide over the Gaza strip
where two nations are joined at the hip
and don’t even know it.
I can see the misery from where I sit.
Let it glide over the oil fields
where they pump the lifeblood that the earth yields.
Black gold all for a price
in a bloody war of sacrifice.
Let it glide over the African land
to help me try and understand
why all of its beauty and natural resource
is raped and pillaged with no remorse.
Let it glide over China’s great wall
separating its people from the rest of us all,
where liberties are abused on every day,
where no one’s allowed to have a say.
Let me glide over the Vatican
where so much praise is given one man.
Gold is there wherever I gaze.
Poverty forgotten, but not the praise.
Let me glide over the streets of our cities
where the smog is thick and makes you wheeze.
The homeless and beggars begging for change
in a land of freedom. I find that strange.
Take me back to my own little home
from wherever my carpet ride did roam.
I’ve seen too much misery for one long day.
It’s time for me to lie down and pray.
Coffy, I wish I knew the original tune. And this is a little brighter and cheerfuler –*checks grammer’s guidelines* more cheerful than some of your recent entries. Hope all is well with you.
I am fine, dear Windy. Thank you for your much appreciated concern…….
Either people aren’t on today or my comments suck
Well, I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m not here.
Nothing to see here, move along. Move along.
Mr. Eyebrows always says this with a bit of an Irish brogue.
I had a late start to my day. And, it is hot and miserable within and without–June weather in April is like that). Then, I had to attend to routers and switches and 132-bit security keys. After all that, I was distracted by YSaC birthdays, and yesterday’s comments.
And now, I shall, again away away.
For the record, unless there is the possibility of free swag, the weekends have been dead slow. Also this is a holiday weekend in many many places. You got your Easter Island, you got your Passover at the borders, you got your St. George thing going on. Plus we are only one week away from Prince Charles becoming Grampdaddy or something like that. So yeah, multiply all your adores by 10.
As long as we all don’t come back as the undead, I’ll adore it. 🙂
This just in, my adores reset! Bwahahaha!
Well, Bombdude and IF, here’s your YSaC Sanctioned Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Night, Kerman, Isfahan, Kashan, Tabriz, and Herat!
[…] This story first appears in YSaC Vol. 297 as a response to an ad asking for a creative […]
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