YSaC, Vol. 257: I think the desk is a metaphor.
This was posted in m4w.
Seeking smart woman for mahogany desk job LTR? – 38
Career dreamer seeks icy snapper to sharpen my pencils in.
I would like a partner to plug into my desk.
I came upon this beauty a few months ago doing a cash side job on the West Side.
Me and this guy named Sky were moving a prickly little poodle past her orifice,
when divine intervention manifested destiny!
We dropped her custom made Italian Mahogany partners desk down a manhole.
She was married to this classical fellow who built a fortune from an erector set,
but his eyes fell out and her cats ate them.
She had to move on. So she’s trained in some kinda cerebella palsy… (powerful stuff),
and she picks up this desk off Ruby Lane for a couple O G. Well this desk must have had some magic dust in it or something cause she started sucking up more clients then her little cube could handle.
That’s where me and Sky came in. You tell us “where” and we ask you “why”. Sky came up with that one. Boss wouldn’t paint it on the truck though.
So we were moving this tricky sweet pony uptown when she goes into a caramel latte slide and completely upsets our feng sway. Down goes the partners desk and the manhole is burping like an alcoholic barber.
There was crap all over the place, and she wanted our heads. I looked up at Sky and said
“The custom Italian Mahogany desk has fallin.”
He just passed over man, like it didn’t even matter. I looked down at that beaded old purse and she was flapping like a wind sock on Mount Washington.
Took me close to a month to find work again, (due exclusively too the mostly unkind ways in which she remembered us in the police report) but 30 days later I’m under the street sucking sludge for a guy named Demillo- and BOOM, its that desk!
I hauled my prize back to the storage unit/apartment I rent- and there she sits.
Its got two holes in it, I just need a partner to fill the other side. If you have a chair that adjusts it would be perfect as she lost a little height in the fall.
Also- please be a highly educated professional gainfully employed white collar type,
Cause I cant get the drawers open. There is magic dust in there!
Well, there you go then. I wish I could say this was an April Fools joke of some kind, but I think this guy really brought the crazy out for this one.
For the record, there’s actually a lot that’s GOOD about this post, too — the imagery is vivid, he has a good sense of cadence, and for the most part his spelling is accurate. And after about the fourth or fifth time reading through the post, you can start to get a general sense of the narrative. But there’s a lot that’s wrong with it, too.
Wow that was hard to follow. But kinda pretty.
I wish i was on the drugs he has.
I almost follow a narrative, but it seems like random words thrown in.
yay- eyes fell out and were eaten by cats
boo- misspelled feng shui
This guy deserves a movie. Or at least a blog.
….I wonder if this is a thickly coded post for a coke-mule
The ‘magic dust’ says so.
I kinda liked “feng sway.” I think it was deliberate.
That said… well, yeah, that said.
I was doing okay until I got to feng sway. ROFL…
You made it all the way to the feng sway? I got cought up when “his eyes fell out and her cats ate them”
“his eyes fell out and her cats ate them” made me laugh/ponder really hard, but this made me nearly hyperventilate:
“I looked down at that beaded old purse and she was flapping like a wind sock on Mount Washington.”
“…the manhole is burping like an alcoholic barber.”
Oh the imagery of such prose! If I had only done more drugs in my youth, my brain would be fried enough to write in this style. However, my brain would be too fried to understand it.
I really like it. I just can’t decide if he’s wanting another desk or a lay?
Princess, personally, I think he’s got a hooker in his storage unit (where the desk metaphor comes in), and is looking for a nice, “ice cold” place to sharpen his “pencil”, meaning an attractive woman who would like to help him rape the hooker. See, he says he cannot get the two holes/drawers open, but that “her eyes fall out and the cats eat them.” So- I think the eyes falling out is yet another reference to the two holes, and the cats being mentioned eating them a reference to “pussy eating”- I believe that this guy is looking for a bisexual shemale, hence the references to the “adjusting chair” and “filling both wholes” I think he’s looking for either a threesome with a hermaphrodite, or is a bisexual looking for another guy to perform oral sex on an italian (“italian mahogany” – mahogany possible reference to skin color) prostitute, so they can both have sex with her at the same time. Also, I think the hooker is probably overweight, which explains why he compares his genitalia to a pencil, and her to a desk.
This is very similar to what I thought while reading the post. It’s horrible, really. But Sky was a man, so I’m assuming he’s looking for another male to take advantage of the poor ‘desk’.
I hope she’s made it out okay :/
I love this more with every reading. I was going to complain about the bizarre introduction of the “beaded purse” without context. Then i realized what a small issue that is in comparison.
I want to use parts of this as slang in my daily conversations.
“Dave? You cant rely on Dave. He built a fortune from an erector set”
Does anyone know where I can be trained in cerebella palsy? Or better yet, how to find Sky? That guys seems like the real missing link in this whole thing..
Oh man… I’m really worrying about myself now. I read the entire thing thinking it was all euphemisms for all sorts of unholy acts. I just assumed, this being the internet, and that being on Craigslist…
You are not alone in that euphemistic thinking.
I read it, but his leading with “career dreamer” told me everything I needed to know. I’ve dated one of those. Note the past tense.
I definitely read this as euphemistic…
Eye (balls) fell out and her cats (or kitties… follow the logic) ate them
Beaded purse is a Shakespearian euphemism…
I just think it’s entirely TOO rife with double entendre to NOT be euphemistic.
I am Sky.
I am also Wind, Moon, Sun, and Earth. Bow down! For lo, do I not bring tidings of great weight, merit, and eternal consequence? Can you see not this mighty doom writ heavy upon my resolute and funereal brow?
I also bring an only-slighty-holey custom-made Italian mahogany desk. Offers?
I don’t want to rain on anyone’s poetry appreciation parade, but might this just be one of those spam posts loaded up with popular search terms?
Read it again. There’s a definite narrative there!
That’s what I thought at first, too, but I have spent more time than I care to admit chatting with bots. This post passes the Turing test.
If it is a bot, it is certainly more entertaining than the ones on AT&T’s website…
Okay, I’m sure others have caught on, but this is not spam, and they are euphemisms for unholy acts. They just didn’t want to put up the $5 to put it in the professional section. (I don’t remember if I saw that ad here, or in the “best of” at Craigslist.)
I will say that this is the absolute best thing I’ve ever read regarding a burned-out coke whore looking to turn another trick.
Except it was posted in m4w.
Can you explain some of the euphemisms to me? After all, I’m pure and innocent [hey, stop laughing! It could be true!] and don’t understand the euphemistic ways of others.
Yeah. Somebody please explain this, blow for blow.
This post would make great lyrics for a Tom Waits song.
Okay, I must admit, it turns gender a few times, but it’s put in both the hooker and the pimp’s P.O.V. Also drugs. Lots of drugs.
If there’s a misspelling or an odd turn of phrase, it’s a sexual act, a vagina, or drugs. Well, mostly, anyways.
I am also pure and innocent, I just got an education. Unfortunately.
This reminds me (in sort of a PSD flashback sort of way) of a script I was asked to read from at an audition…
All it needs is a few extra carriage returns and it’s lovely blank verse. E.g.:
So we were moving this tricky sweet pony
uptown
when she goes into a caramel latte slide
and completely upsets our
feng sway.
Down goes the partners desk and
the manhole is burping
like an alcoholic barber.
See? Nothin’ to it.
Sounds like some half-baked reject from the “Illuminatus!” trilogy or something… as in that case, I appreciate the imagery, but some kind of coherence woulda been nice. Then again, coherent isn’t pants-wettingly funny, either.
Speaking of movies, I could totallly see Mike Meyers doing this in a scene from “So I married an axe nurderer”.
or from “The Watchmen”
“Rorschachs journal: April 1st 2009
Me and this guy named Sky were moving a prickly little poodle past her orifice,
when divine intervention manifested destiny!
We dropped her custom made Italian Mahogany partners desk down a manhole.
She was married to this classical fellow who built a fortune from an erector set,
but his eyes fell out and her cats ate them.
She had to move on. So she’s trained in some kinda cerebella palsy…”
Drugs are bad, mmmmmmkay?
it reads kind of like madlibs
Hey! I’m new to YSAC and I’m having fun going through the archives. I think this person might be schizophrenic because they often use vivid imagery, make up words, or use real words in a strange context.