YSaC, Vol. 372: Excuse me, stewardess? I speak jive.

2009 July 24
tags: ,
by drmk

Heather sent in this first post, saying, “I don’t understand this at all. Is this code for something? Just trying to read it makes me a little dizzy.”

Hasings a Wanting: Varg Doll


Here is foodpeeple
Has wants of these here mans:
A ONE Varg doll from the Burzum. BUT and here and exclusive to here is CATCH: must have approvings for the from Varg himselfed.Tragedy happen: last Varg doll purchse?//? MOUNTAIN DUDE BOTTLE EXTRAED WITH DOGHAIRED STAPLED ONAND ALSO THIS VARGHEAD TAPE ON IT!11!!

Serioused reply to thanks

thanksed to you mans
– foodpeeple

A little digging on Craigslist turned up a few more “foodpeeple” posts, which were all made around the same time:

for the tradsings: Soups


has much cans and wantings for to then fills up with a soups mans?//? EMPTY CANS HASING YOU DOWN???//??
Here my pitch: I soup thems ups!11!! Not like SOUP UP the racercar SOUPS UPS with pouring of CHICKENWATER11!!!!
I can make these thing happen at you
is so easy mans
thanksed
– foodpeeple

tells at ALBAMA MAN!!11!1 (a FOODpeeple)


FOOD has caps for clearingnessHas never finded way into an ALABAMA

Pleased for telling this foodmans how you finds it to be in homestate for ALABAMA (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS)

Much thanksing has throwed from palm to heart JAJAJA JOKED

– foodpeeple

Part of me really, really wants to understand this. Part of me even thinks it DOES understand this. (I’m a little worried about that part.) In those rare moments of clarity (mine, not the posts’), it almost sounds to me as though there’s something philanthropic going on, which I can get behind. In those other moments, I just hear Gollum.

The problem is, in those other moments, there simply isn’t a way to capture and express my reaction to these posts, which basically involves me pointing at the screen and saying, “Buh … whut?”

75 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 24

    OK i googled Varg doll and it seems like this guy is looking for a music album from some foreign extremist:

    “Varg Vikernes (a.k.a. Count Grishnackh), the BURZUM mastermind who was convicted of murdering MAYHEM guitarist Oystein Aarseth (a.k.a. Euronymous) in August 1993 and setting fire to three churches, has finished writing nine songs for BURZUM’s new album, which he hopes to release next year. He tells Norway’s Dagbladet that several record labels are interested in issuing the band’s first LP in eleven years. ”

    Adores: 8
  2. 2009 July 24
    Jen permalink

    I think it’s quite clear that Borat wrote those posts, no?

    Adores: 3
  3. 2009 July 24
    Christin permalink

    I just watched Borat last night. These all came out, in my head, in the Borat voice.

    Adores: 2
  4. 2009 July 24
    TeDiouS permalink

    I want to know what’s so exciting about the number eleven. 11! He’s very emphatic about it.

    And apparently forward slashes are questionable beings. //? Maybe he’s just confused about whether they are elevens or not…

    Adores: 6
    • 2009 July 24

      The !11! thing I see frequently in certain online gaming chat used as a joke. (yes, I’m a gamer) It refers back to people typing something with a lot of exclamation points at the end but stop holding the shift key. Sometimes people will even end a post/sentence with !!!1111oneone to be “uber silly.” I’m guessing the “/” usage is trying to use the same “joke” with the “?” as that’s the same key.

      What these ads are about… I have no idea. I’m thinking this is some poor alien that is stranded on Earth desperately trying to communicate with his home planet.

      Adores: 8
      • 2009 July 24

        That’s fascinating, I’ve never seen that before. Makes me think that this is someone who knows what he’s saying since he’s using at least some conventions of webspeak. Too bad he’s not using conventions of the English language.

        Adores: 4
      • 2009 July 24
        dogface permalink

        Cool kids tack an “eleventyone” onto the ends of their !!!1!11!11!111!!1!!!11’s.

        Adores: 7
      • 2009 July 29
        Igor The Vigorous permalink

        We nerds also like to type “elebenty” to mock the little kids who can’t hold SHIFT.

        Adores: 1
  5. 2009 July 24
    'sme permalink

    He wants… something in the first one. In the second one, he will fill your empty cans with soup! (?) And lastly, he would like to go to Alabama, as he cannot figure out how.

    ?????

    I don’t know, these are quite disturbing.

    Adores: 3
  6. 2009 July 24
    HappyNat permalink

    “EMPTY CANS HASING YOU DOWN???//??”

    Why yes, yes they hasing me down. They have been hasing me for a long time and nobody ever noticed or cared. It’s like foodpeeple has peered in my eyes and looked directly into my soul. I’ve finally found the love of my life to indulge in “pouring of CHICKENWATER11!!!!”

    Adores: 26
  7. 2009 July 24
    Carolime permalink

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read. The end.

    Adores: 5
  8. 2009 July 24
    corn flakes permalink

    This is very intentional. And i really love it.
    It feels like a weird combination of forced broken english and some gibberish.

    I think i’m going to speak in “foodpeeple” from now on.
    I’m going to substitute “hasing” for had/have/having/will have and refer to all flavors and types of soup and chicken water.

    Also, I had a friend that was a spanish teacher and used “JAJA” instead of haha because of how “j” is pronounced in spanish. But in this case i think it’s just a comedic typo

    Adores: 1
  9. 2009 July 24

    I really thought these might be some sort of coded messages, until I read the last one and saw JAJAJA JOKED. Now I think they’re meant as jokes, probably by someone with too much time on his hands and too little to occupy himself.

    Adores: 0
  10. 2009 July 24
    Lola permalink

    Living in New York, one hears people whose English bears a resemblance to this. They may not be very good but I give them credit for trying.

    Maybe it’s an ESL teen’s prank post?///??/??

    Adores: 1
  11. 2009 July 24
    Wendy permalink

    CHICKENWATER11!!!! is going to be my new email sig, I think.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 July 24
      Allison permalink

      Oh my gosh, that and “I soup thems ups!” made my day completely.

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 July 24
      kristen55 permalink

      Has wants me some CHICKENWATER11!!!

      Adores: 1
  12. 2009 July 24
    Rykan permalink

    Love the Airplane! title ;D

    Adores: 0
  13. 2009 July 24
    Colleen in MA permalink

    No thanks, I’m a vegetarian.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 July 25
      jackie31337 permalink

      Ok, onion-carrot-celery water for you then. Only that doesn’t have the same comedic appeal as chicken water…. What’s an inherently funny vegetable?

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 July 25
        Colleen in MA permalink

        Make it one oniocarrelery water, please!

        Adores: 1
      • 2009 September 21
        Mesila permalink

        SQUASHWATER

        Adores: 6
  14. 2009 July 24
    marlo permalink

    Oh, here’s a thought: have you seen the cartoon Metalocalypse? I’ve only seen it a couple times, but there’s a character on there who speaks funny nonsense gibberish like this. He would say “hasings a wanting”, and “tradsings”. He adds a lot of extra plurals into words.

    The black metal reference is what tipped me off.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 July 26
      D / DM permalink

      I thought of that too. But… why? I like Metalocalypse too, and yet I have better things to do than post ads on Craigslist that no one can read.

      Adores: 0
  15. 2009 July 24

    foodpeople is a troll from a messageboard I post on. this isn’t the guy’s real “personality”.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 July 26
      Kit permalink

      Aw man, I like this personality. It’s non-threatening and funny.

      Adores: 1
  16. 2009 July 24
    Tweaker permalink

    I instantly thought it sounded like Toki from Metalocalypse too! I definitely think this is someone joking around with Toki’s dodgy English on Craigslist.

    p.s. don’t look up the cartoon unless you like gratuitous blood and gore, violence, screamy metal, and dreadlock comb-overs, wouldn’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities! That being said, Toki’s downright adorable.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 July 24
      dogface permalink

      Just downright adorable? He’s beyond adorable! X3

      They need to make a Toki t-shirt. All I’ve got is a Murderface shirt. XD

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 July 28
      Jinx permalink

      True dat, Toki is a love!

      But even he knows you gets da chickenwater from das “fuuudliberry”. And booze izzint food!

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 September 21
      Mesila permalink

      Speaking of tweaking, maybe this is just some dude on his third or fourth night “up”…I see something here that looks maybe 38% intentional. It might be a troll, but I’m willing to take a guess that this is a troll either on Serious Drugs or who is otherwise mental. And whose birthplace nation is NOT America, DEFINITELY.

      Adores: 0
  17. 2009 July 24
    Mary Catherine permalink

    Translation: I call myself Foodpeople. I enjoy talking about myself in 3rd person and I would like this: One (as in singular) voodoo doll from the Burzum (one man musical act, early 90s, black metal) period created by Varg (Vikernes). Here’s the only catch – Varg himself must authenticate this voodoo doll (fyi: you can contact his parole officer for further information on how to reach him, if needed). The last time I bought one something tragic happened – it was a mountain dew bottle with extra dog hair stapled on it, and the poor Varghead (faux voodoo doll) had tape on it!!! (aka – I got screwed) Serious replies only. Thanks to you, man (thank you). Foodpeople

    I guess it helps a little when you can read stoned idiotese…

    Adores: 26
    • 2009 August 3
      tonironke permalink

      LOL @ “stoned idiotese”!!! that is definitely the best phrase i’ve heard in a while hahaha…or jajaja

      Adores: 5
  18. 2009 July 24
    Mary Catherine permalink

    Translation #2

    Do you have a lot of cans and want to fill them up with man’s soup? (keep reading) Are those empty cans holding you down? Here’s my pitch: I can soup those cans up for you. Not in the way a person would say, soup up a race car, but I can soup them up for you by filling them up with chicken water (most commonly used as slang for female vagina moisture – but I can only assume this guys means his sperm? If it’s a guy. Sounds like something a guy would say). I can make these things happen for you. It’s so easy. Thanks. Foodpeople

    Translation #3

    I am going to speak about myself in 3rd person again. I have clearance to leave the state where I live. I have never found my way into Alabama before. I would be very pleased if you could tell me how you like your home state of Alabama (I am putting it in all caps so it is clear for you). I am so thankful that I am placing my palm over my heart and then laughing at the very thought of doing that. Foodpeople

    Adores: 17
    • 2009 July 24

      You know, that soup ad sounded so adorable before I actually knew what he was saying…

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 July 25
      kristen55 permalink

      I love the translations! Not that they make much more sense now, but at least they are readable ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanksed to you!

      Adores: 3
    • 2009 July 25
      jackie31337 permalink

      Wow, he’ll fill up the cans for free. That other guy wants $200 per cup!

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 July 26
        Kit permalink

        That’s because someone might actually want what the other guy’s offering. Okay, probably not, but he thinks so.

        Adores: 0
    • 2009 September 21
      Mesila permalink

      Wow–now that it has been deconstructed, this totally makes sense.

      You ought to hire yourself out as a Schizophrenic/English translator. Think of the social workers and psychiatrists – and in all likelihood, parole officers – who might find their professional lives become easier with the assistance of someone with your psycholinguistic acumen.

      Adores: 5
  19. 2009 July 24
    Shinejil permalink

    Uh, I’ll have what foodpeeple’s having.

    Adores: 2
  20. 2009 July 24

    Some part of me is deeply chilled by these words, as if it’s some sort of bizarre terrorist code (i.e., “I will be posting the coded directions on CL; just search ‘foodpeeple’. Trust me, it’ll make sense when you decode it.”)…Then again, I tend to think the worst of people. DEFINITELY a Gollum voice, precioouuussssss.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 12
      Steph permalink

      O yes, Precious, we hears Gollum voices! Poor Smeagol, being plagiarized by such wicked humanses… *gollum, gollum* We only wants fisssssssh…

      (Kill me now.)

      Adores: 0
  21. 2009 July 25
    Rei permalink

    Honestly, I kept hearing Pillz-E from the Neurotically yours short “Medicated Baby Heads” Sad!

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 July 26

    The first one made me think he wanted some kind of “vagina doll” but ended up with a mountain dew bottle with dog hair and… well I guess vagina tape can’t exist. Right?

    Adores: 1
  23. 2009 July 26
    Kagemorou permalink

    Hmm. I may be wrong, but this fellow sounds Pinoy to me. I have a lot of experience playing MMORPGs with folks from the Philipines, and those who do not have a firm grasp of the english language talk exactly like this. the “Jajajaja” laughter is what really gives it away however. other varients of this laugh include “Jijijiji” and “Jejejeje” I wish I had an example of a chat-log with one of these folks as proof, but alas I’ve never saved one while talking to them.

    Adores: 0
  24. 2009 July 27

    burzum made some great black metal… check out this video for dunkelheit

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luFCBdS5PAs

    Adores: 0
  25. 2009 July 29
    Black Kristos permalink

    Chump don’ wan’ no help, chump don’ git no help!

    Adores: 2
  26. 2009 July 30
    bartender permalink

    I actually understood most of that. And I would have to say it’s because there a quite a few Jamaicans that work around the company I work for. I didn’t realize how much I had picked up on their speakings. I realized early on that it is actually a bastardization of english and spanish. Basically really bad and lazy grammer X 10. You just have to think “how would I say this sentence if I didn’t care how I sound.”

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 July 30

      UM HELLO FLAG PLEASE

      Also, people talking about Jamaicans’ “bad grammer” [WHOA!!!!] need to learn how to spell, and learn to not be completely ignorant.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 August 6
        Whoa indeed permalink

        Uh, yeah. Stereotype much? How offensive.

        Adores: 3
    • 2009 October 30
      Jamaican permalink

      Wow, love this blog and finally had to reply because guess what–I’m Jamaican. Thanks for the lesson but WRONG, Jamaican “speakings” as you have called it in NOT a bastardization of English and Spanish. It is called Patois. Patois is a deconstruction of English. And English alone. Its origin is similar to Creole being a deconstruction of French. And like Creole, these languages are not used or pervasive because of “really bad and lazy grammar x 10” as you have tried to inform. Rather, Patois developed out of myriad tribes of African people learning English together AND wanting to shield their conversations from the slave masters, overseers etc. It has and is a mainstay of the culture but, though debated on and off many times, it is not the official language of the country due to the lack of a standardized written form. Most educated Jamaicans speak Patois and English fluently. An educated Jamaican generally sounds like they have a British accent as I have been accused of frequently. When you understand the history of slavery in the Caribbean, you will understand the birth of these languages and why Jamaicans and other islanders are PROUD of their Creole, Patois and other native tongues. It kept them safe. It gave them community. It bonded them in a strange land when they were ripped apart from their families. And though it can, especially in foreign countries, be completely misunderstood and an obstacle in some situations, it has sincere and serious value for those who speak it.

      Adores: 14
    • 2009 October 31
      lareina permalink

      Ah, the douche. A rare species around here, thank the sweet Lord, but occasionally one will try his/her luck. You just need to slap them repeatedly upside the head until they go away, or if that fails, do what you would do to any other loathsome insect – spray them thoroughly with Raid and then stomp on them, just to be sure. With steel-toed, hobnailed boots. With 15 of your closest friends.

      Adores: 1
  27. 2009 July 30
    Adelle permalink

    Pouring of chicken water! happening at me?! yesss!

    Adores: 1
  28. 2009 August 1
    HAHAHAHA!!!111!!!!! permalink

    Seriously guys, you gotta stop. I’m crying here.

    Adores: 0
  29. 2009 August 8
    Sunshiner permalink

    You has a chickenwater, and I has a chickenwater… I soup YOUR cans. I soup thems ups!

    Adores: 1
  30. 2009 August 14
    Austin permalink

    Wtf is he, a lolcat?

    Adores: 2
  31. 2009 August 26
    Art Stanton permalink

    What? No mentionings of the JarJar Binks in this here postings?

    Adores: 1
  32. 2009 August 27

    This might provide some answers. It looks like some alternative/hardcore band from NY.

    Adores: 0
  33. 2009 August 29
    Druston permalink

    I started reading this out loud to my sister, waving my arms around dramatically to emphasize the caps, and somehow managed to get to the ‘has much cans and wantings for to’ in the soup ad before I started cracking up. I was literally in tears.

    The comments did not help at all.

    Adores: 1
  34. 2009 September 5
    jake permalink

    Varg Vikernes was the one man black metal artist known as Burzum. in the early nineties he stabbed “Euronymous” from Mayhem to death in front of his apartment. now hes in jail and is a neo nazi. crazy norweigan black metalers.

    Adores: 0
  35. 2009 September 5
    Zak Orr permalink

    ALABAMA (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS)
    Ok this is where i lose the guy
    if you rearrange the leters of the phrase (CAPSING ITS FOR A CLEARS) you can make ( Its AC spacing forreals) Which sounds like a pretty good AC marketing starategy.

    I soup thems ups!11!! Not like SOUP UP the racercar SOUPS UPS with pouring of CHICKENWATER11
    Now this is probably the funniest thing i have read in a month.

    Adores: 1
  36. 2009 September 7

    I think this might be something to do with Google translate…

    Adores: 0
  37. 2009 September 17
    breetva doubleplusungood permalink

    This sounds like a combination of nadsat and newspeak. Well… maybe, if Burgess and Orwell were illiterate and stoned.

    Adores: 0
  38. 2009 October 31
    Justin W. in Utah permalink

    [I’m taking a stab at translating the first post:]

    “Here is foodpeeple
    Has wants of these here mans:
    A ONE Varg doll from the Burzum. BUT and here and exclusive to here is CATCH: must have approvings for the from Varg himselfed.Tragedy happen: last Varg doll purchse?//? MOUNTAIN DUDE BOTTLE EXTRAED WITH DOGHAIRED STAPLED ONAND ALSO THIS VARGHEAD TAPE ON IT!11!!

    Serioused reply to thanks

    thanksed to you mans
    – foodpeeple”
    ————————————
    FoodPeople here,
    I am looking for one of these:
    ONE doll/action figure of Varg Vikernes of the band Barzum.
    BUT there is an important catch: the doll has to be autographed by Varg himself.
    The last (attempted online) doll purchase was tragic: I received a Mountain Dew bottle with dog hair stapled to it and (a photo of) Varg’s head taped to it.

    Serious replies only, thanks!

    Thanks guys,
    -FoodPeople
    ———————————–
    I’m assuming that this post was written by a teenage Norwegian with a very feeble grasp of English sentence construction and little knowledge of vocabulary.

    I’m also assuming, that the screen name is a literal English translation of a reference to cannibalism, based on the nature of the content 90’s death metal bands like Barzum, Mayhem, and Turbonegro often embrace. (Just as an teenage American Metallica fan’s screen name would be something like “PuppetMaster420” or someshit.

    Adores: 5
  39. 2009 November 11

    ……..um, Alabama is dreadful? You should not come here at all? Especially during football season. ~snicker~

    Kagemorou said “Hmm. I may be wrong, but this fellow sounds Pinoy to me. I have a lot of experience playing MMORPGs with folks from the Philipines, and those who do not have a firm grasp of the english language talk exactly like this.”

    The Madison County/Huntsville area of Alabama does have a large Filipino community–though all the people I know (through my brother & sister-in-law) speak Tagalog. I’m going to ask if they know of any Pinoy-speaking communities around the state now.

    Also, I grew on a farm filled with totally free-range, organic, go where-ever-do-whatever-the-frack-they-want chickens… so chicken water to me means something with which I completely do NOT want to be “SOUPED UP” or “POURED”!!! But I might totally put that on a T-shirt…..

    Just found this site today and absolutely love it!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Adores: 0
  40. 2009 December 1
    Amy permalink

    This guy is hilarious. His latest Twitter post reads, “i am an excitement on these new thing: in town they opens a ONION BARN11!!! muched!11!1”

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 12
      Steph permalink

      What the hell’s an onion barn? Good Lord, this sounds like Engrish. I’ve got a friend who was born in Taiwan but lives in New Zealand; her English isn’t perfect and can be really weird sometimes, but at least it’s still understandable…

      Adores: 0
  41. 2010 March 30
    Boot permalink

    I came across this, there’s more: http://twitter.com/foodpeeple

    Adores: 0
  42. 2010 July 24

    Wow, I didn’t know LOLcats were postign on craigslist!

    Adores: 0
  43. 2011 January 29
    eeyore19 permalink

    I think CHICKENWATER11 would be a cool name for a band.

    Adores: 0

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