You Suck at Craigslist

Blog

  • YSaC, Vol. 391: Did I mention it’s a touching story about a boy and his dog?

    writter to needed

    I have the plot and the outline for one of the best novels to be wriiten. I need a writter who will be able to put the plot together . The book will be one of the best sellers when released

    See, there’s this guy, and he accidentally stumbles upon this conspiracy. And there’s a hot girl who happens to be a scientist, and she doesn’t believe him at first but then realizes he’s right and falls in love with him. And they keep encountering these people who they think they can trust, but some of them turn out to be vampires, and the vampires go to this school where they learn to do magic. And this one vampire is alienated from her family, and there’s a subplot about how she learns to trust her estranged vampire father again. But then the vampire father turns out to be a time traveler, and is part of the conspiracy theory against the other guy. And at the very end, the boat sinks.

    Thanks to Skye for sending in this ad!

  • YSaC, Vol. 390: The peeler / lincoln log set didn’t take off, though.

    Some things just shouldn’t be advertised together:

    Child Gate & knife Set

    Pressure type Child safety Gate. Works well. – $25
    Ronco 25 piece Knife Set with Injector. Comes with holding block. Never been used, still in original box. – $25

    When I read “Child gate & knife set”, I imagine a child’s gate that has slots for knives all across the top of it. It’s the ultimate space saver for the kitchen! Keep your child out of the kitchen and store your cutlery all in one useful multi-tasking tool!

    It’s almost as useful as the Dutch oven and baby bath combo I got as a wedding present. Or the electric child’s swing with built-in cattle prod. Or the child’s swimming pool / jumbo washing machine. Or the … [insert your own idea here … and by here I mean in the comments below!]

    Thanks to Kris for sending this in!

  • YSaC, Vol. 389: But I *paid* someone to write it, so that’s okay.

    Sociology research paper (new orleans)

    I need a thorough research paper, 20 pages, 20 sources.
    if you have it already written i am interested.

    • Location: new orleans
    • Compensation: 300$

    Kris sends this listing in, saying, “Really, dude? You’ve got $300 bucks in spare cash but not enough time to do your own school work?”

    Just for fun, I emailed our budding sociologist to ask some important questions — like, what topic? What university and what class? Sadly, I got no response. His loss. (Actually, since I was planning on turning him in to the professor, it might have been the wise choice on his part.)

    Anyway, I wouldn’t have written Sparky’s sociology paper for him, but it probably wouldn’t have been too hard to find someone who would have:

    Harvard Grad custom writes your term papers-no plagiarizing, ever

    I custom-write your paper on any topic you need. Topic research included in price quote. MLA or APA formatting… email me at Smarts4hire@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com for a fast price quote.

    This ad was submitted by Naomi, who says, “The New Oxford American Dictionary says to plagiarize means to “take (the work or an idea of someone else) and pass it off as one’s own.” Note that I ever so carefully cited my source. So, could someone explain to me how it is possible to have someone else write your term paper and to then turn it in under your own name, but still have “no plagiarizing, ever?”

    Sigh. Stay classy, Harvard. (Says the graduate from a different snooty ivy-covered campus …)

  • YSaC, Vol. 388: Tonight, Judas will be played by Miffy.

    I like my little sweet peas..share your pets with me

    I just wanted to share and get word out to everyone, that me and brenda mullins, I am jack mullins have puppet pet shows in our home. You can bring your little snuggle bunny to participate but a $10 fee will apply. We have church related shows that are geared to the well being of the animal for its spiritual side and we even baptitize for $100. We take donations here in our trailer, I live w/ mrs mullins, my mom, and do have stuffed animals for sale ranging from $25 – $550.00.

    Here is a pic of my mee maw and a pic of me making and holding toys for the animals, well I gotta get ready for tonights show, I hope yall can come and help save a animal and keep it on the spiritual path.

    I love you. Jack Mullins

    I love you too, Jack Mullins, but ours is the love that dare not speak its name. You see, our love is forbidden because my life’s mission is to prevent people from dressing their animals up in clothing. You seem to not only be doing that, but charging people for the privilege of doing so, and then subjecting the animals to being participants in strange religiously-based pet puppet shows.

    Is there really a big problem with heathen animals? I mean, other than hermit crabs, because those things are obviously Satan’s minions.

    And am I the only wondering whether the “stuffed animals” they’re offering for sale are fabric animals or taxidermied versions of the animals who kept missing their lines in Lent’s Passion Play? Have you ever tried to teach a Siamese cat Latin? It’s not pretty.

    This was sent in by Allison — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 387: Hand me that bag, I’m going to puce.

    2 Lazyboy recling chairs like new! Must sell ASAP!!!! want gone today – $150

    I am selling 2 lazyboy recliners, these are like new! One of them swivels, rocks, and reclines and the other one rocks,and reclines. I want theses gone ASAP!!!! Iwould like them gone today!!! both are the same color ( light kacki ) Please let me know if any questions. Please if interested make a reasonable offer and there yours!!!

    Naomi sends in this ad, with the following commentary:
    “Now, there are a couple of things you should notice about these chairs.  First, of course, is that they are recling.  So if you have ever wanted to recle in a chair, now is your chance.  You might not know about recling, but it is what you are doing when you are not being reckless, of course.

    “Second, there are two chairs, but they look like three, and they all take up the exact same space in the seller’s living room.  Don’t ask how — they are trained professionals; don’t try this at home.

    “Then, of course, there is the lovely kacki color.  If you’re not familiar, this is the color you turn on a bumpy plane ride, as in ‘Are you OK?’  ‘No, I’m feeling a little kacki.’

    “Apparently, the sale of these magical kacki recling chairs has something to do with the seller’s frustration over graduate school, because s/he wants theses gone as soon as possible.”

    Recling. Surely that’s just someone making a one-off typo in the title, right? I mean, they got it right in the ad itself, so surely nobody else would make that mistake, right?

    I have recling and other chair and 5 bucks for you

    hurry wont last at this price

    Oh. So, wait … I’ll get a recling, and a chair, AND $5? Is there any chance the recling is kacki?

    Second post courtesy of Martha F., who destroys my faith in humanity once again.

  • YSaC, Vol. 386: If you really loved me, you’d …

    One of a Kind Sideboard – $3000

    Decorator Redecorating!!!!! This is a one of a kind sideboard. Very ornate! It is hand carved with guilted gold, solid marble top is 60″long, 24″wide, 32″ high

    I know exactly what you’re thinking — how does one achieve the decorating nirvana of “guilted gold”?

    Well, we here at YSaC are all about education*, so I’ve done years worth of research into this particular phenomenon and am happy to share it with you.

    The process of guilting something in gold is very laborious. It involves my mother standing over it and saying things like, “Don’t worry about calling me, I know you’re busy” and “No, really, it’s okay that you got married without me there; you’re just my only daughter.”

    Eventually, the guilt builds up in layers. Done properly, the guilted gold shines so brightly that it reflects all of the disappointment on her face. (“All my friends have grandchildren.”) Once it’s completed, the sealing layer is applied (“Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the retirement home in the dark”).

    So you can see what an intensive and soul-crushingly painstaking process guilting gold is. Really, would it kill you to pay $3,000 to keep your mother’s love intact? After all she’s done for you? Selfish ingrates.

    This post was sent in by Lesley — thanks!

    *This may not actually be true.