You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 416: Whatever you do, don’t cross the … drawers.

    5 Drawer Dresser – $30

    5 Drawer Dresser. In good Condition. We are moving soon and need to sell it. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx if interested.

    416

    The ordinary reader would look at this and think, “They obviously made a typo and meant to say a four drawer dresser. Twice.” But we, we are not the ordinary reader, are we? We recognize that this dresser is obviously owned by someone who is not constrained by simple physical principles; someone who is capable of postulating spaces and dimensions — and drawers! — that don’t exist. That’s right, as improbable as it may seem, this dresser is owned by, and most likely intended for, a string theorist.

    So what do we put in our imaginary drawer? (The Imaginary Drawers would be a great name for a band, wouldn’t it?) Oooh, we could put our stuff in the imaginary drawer! But if we put real stuff in the imaginary drawer, that might cause a total protonic reversal. Or something.

    Let’s see if anyone else has any ideas about what we can keep in magical dressers.

    Dresser

    Looking for a decent dresser if anyone wants to get rid of one…could use one for my son and my clothes. Please email. Thank you.

    This person could use four drawers for her clothes, and the extra magical fifth drawer to keep her son in. It’s like something straight out a Seinfeld episode. It’s perfect!

    Thanks to Christine and Eric for the posts!

  • YSaC, Vol. 414: Digital killed the film star.

    I didn’t get the subject line of this ad, but it hardly seems necessary:

    minolla camera comes with its own case works good dont need it I have a digitall $60 firm

    cash only please serious inquires only

    susie or cliff xxx-xxx-xxxx

    You sure you don’t need that Minolta, Sparky?

    I’ve never gotten seasick from a picture before, but you’ve managed to do it somehow. The only way this is an acceptable picture to post on Craigslist is if you took it while riding the Tilt-A-Whirl at your local meth-freak-run carnival. In fact, that bedspread sort of looks like someone had too many blueberry Icees and cotton candy.

    Thanks for the submission, Tyler!

  • YSaC, Vol. 413: The only dance she can do is the robot, though.

    Bit of a dreamer – 21

    So.
    I am a very down to earth, FEMALETRAITS2 and kind girl who loves to kiss and cuddle.  I love going out to dance – it’s a great way to interact with someone special, and burns lots of calories!  I’m looking for someone who can make me laugh, which isn’t very hard to do.  .  Let me know if your interested.
    413

    Hooray! The FEMALETRAITS spambot is back! They seem to have gotten a little bit better at it; this one is almost comprehensible! The picture with the Skeletor mask is a little … odd, and there seems to be a sentence missing before the lone random period, but for the most part it’s an improvement. Congratulations, FEMALETRAIT2 spambot guys!

    And of course, I can’t make a spambot post without making a plug for one of my favorite live-action readings of a spambot ad. (Not that I know of any others, mind you.)

    Thanks to “Not From Ithaca” for the submission!

    Oooh, bonus update, just sent in …

    Girl next door with a wild side – 19

    I am Music, Guitars, Drums, Food, Shopping, Social Drinking, No smoking, Quirky, Outgoing, Easy going, Camping, Hikes, and Nature, The beach, Phone conversations. I also like to the meet new peoples and making new friends around me. I love the pet animal. I spend my mostly with my family and friends.
    413b

    What do you think? Spambot? Or idiot? (Or both?)
    [poll id=”5″]

    Thanks to Brett for sending this one in (five minutes ago!) … I am online, thinking, being, posting, sitting, doing. I also like to receive the new posts and making new posts around me!

  • YSaC, Vol. 412: It’s not like the name is on the box or anything.

    Trogan Magnum Condoms

    I recently decided to get brave and see if I fit into these bad boys. I bought 2 boxes and decided I didn’t “measure” up. So I’m giving the other box away to the lucky person who is responsible enough to not want to soak up all of the tax money that I am currently spending on people that “slipped” up and now rely on the state to help them out with their situation. Send me an email and they’re yours!

    As Martha points out, this ad has it all: Illiteracy! Condescension! Self-emasculation! Superiority complex! Free condoms!

    Thanks, Martha!

  • YSaC, Vol. 411: Next thing you know, people will be buying things in Second Life. Oh, wait.

    Twitter Account — 5,000 followers!!! – $200

    OVER 5000 followerers to tweet your messages to. Many people have a hundred or two.. you can get your blog, website, business, etc out to 5000 people at one time. OVER 5000 people!!! Yes your reading that right. I looked on Ebay and someone wants 100.00 for 300 followers. 200 is a great price for 5000 followers!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 5000.You can use your business name (if still available) and any email you want… I take paypal only.. Or if your in the hudson valley, I’m in fishkill and I can take cash.

    Or you could, you know, open your own free Twitter account and get followers the old fashioned way.

    Here’s the thing that confuses me the most about this — let’s say you start a Twitter account and get 5,000 followers by tweeting things related to happy fluffy bunnies or something. (Everyone loves happy fluffy bunnies, right?) And then you decide, for whatever reason, to sell your happyfluffybunny Twitter account, and it gets bought by someone who, I don’t know, sells steampunk goggles made from old tuna fish cans.

    Suddenly happyfluffybunny is now tweeting about the merits of Chicken of the Sea cans vs. generic cans. Why would the happyfluffybunny people stick around for the SteampunkTuna tweets? Doesn’t anyone ever un-follow anyone on Twitter? I mean, the first time SteampunkTuna starts posting about poptop lids vs can opener lids, wouldn’t his followers drop from 5,000 to 37 immediately? There’s not much of an overlap in the Venn diagram of happyfluffybunny lovers and SteampunkTunaGoggle aficionados.

    Or maybe it’s just me.

    Speaking of Twitter, and me, you should really follow You Suck at Craigslist on Twitter! (See what I did there?) I post random hilarious things there including bonus short Craigslist ads and strange search engine results. (How did someone end up on YSaC by searching for “stewardess flatulence”? Never mind, I don’t want to know.)

    Thanks for the submission, Dani!

  • YSaC, Vol. 410: Unemployment problem solved!

    Stuff Coordinator /part-time job/ $1000 monthly

    Condrea Group is a large European company. We are currently hiring employees in the USA for the position of Stuff Coordinator. This is a part-time job. The schedule of work 1-3 hours per day.

    Duties:

    Forwarding of post parcels to our customers.

    Primary job requirements:

    * Age over 21 years
    * Basic knowledge of the computer
    * Ability to print and scan documents
    * Ability to lift packages weighing up to 40 lbs
    * Accuracy and responsibility

    Send your resume for consideration.

    Sarah sends this listing, saying, “I love stuff! I could totally be a stuff coordinator. I wonder what kind of stuff I’ll be coordinating. I can’t wait to put that title on my new business cards!”

    Best of luck with your new job, Sarah. I’m sure there’s absolutely no chance that this is a scam; after all, you’d have a title and everything! After a few months, they’ll move you up to managing things. After that, who knows? Maybe you’ll become head of widgets, doodads and gizmos. Just remember us little people when you’re a big, important doohickey specialist, okay?