You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: wtf?

  • YSaC, Vol. 318: I steal mufflers — can I still apply?

    Black Widow Milking Specialist

    Well It looks like it’s come to do this Guys, The Goverment has ran out of Guinie pigs

    You should consider this postion if normal people consider you different,
    All people are normal until you get to know them!!

    To my fellow “___________________” professionals. C’mon Admit it,
    Do you want to give up Sign waving, picking up bottles and cans,
    jumping on the light rail without paying. Do you want to give up
    holding out a sign on busy street medians hoping to get hit,
    then suing the driver? Are you tired of telling people you have a job
    when in fact all you do is stealing Catalytic Converters.
    Would you, Should you for good, if you could ?

    If you would like a way to supplement or to totally replace your current
    income, and maybe I could convince you to try something a little different !!

    If you have Ph-d from Kindergarten you might need to contact me
    If You Haven’t found a job, since my last CL ad you need to contact me
    If you are a single-mom or stay-at-home person you might need to contact me
    If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me
    If you are physically disabled or slightly mentally disabled you might need to contact me
    If you take a shower at the skate board park bathroom sinks you might need to contact me
    If you are under-employed, over-employed, or unhappily employed you might need to contact me
    If you are an non-English speaker or born and raised here and still can’t speak right, you might need to contact me

    Contact me for Date and time on the next hiring seminar.

    [location], Sacramento Ca 95833-3508

    ([directions], North to the Univ Of Phoniex Bldg)

    Bring
    1. A Collared Shirt (women you know what I mean)
    2. Bring no money, you won’t need it
    Ladies and everyone reading this. Minorities, Students, Retired are highly encouraged to attend.
    This is the most Equal OPP you will ever get !!
    xxx-xxx-xxxx (Call me anytime 24 hours)
    xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com

    Best I can tell from a little googling, the address leads to a school for crane operators. It might have been useful for him to say that. Instead he spends the ad insulting his potential recruits and then misspelling the name of the location. (Maybe one of his pitches should have been, “If you can’t spell University of Phoenix, you might need to contact me.”)

    What does it say about me that every time I see “Equal OPP” the first thing that goes through my head is, “Yeah, you know me!”

    Thanks for sending this one in, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 311: Let him who has the fat wallet …

    authentic polaroid picture of jesus – $100000

    this photo was taken by my mom,she doesnt even know I have it,she is a die hard jesus fanatic every day all day.thats why I know its him,other than the fact that in the photo he is wearing a robe and a crown with a cross engraved in the middle of it with his hand extended toward my moms shoulder.there is also an angel above him wearing white gloves and she has wings.now for the special part. my moms deceast mother is next to the angel with her hands pressed together in a prayin position and theres a halo around her head.Theyre surrounding my mom.what makes this picture even more special to me is It saved my life . At the time that I most needed god the very first stack of photos that I picked up in search of him or any sign of afterlife and he gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for his son. I only ask that you look at it before you pass judgement, thank you.

    So, wait a minute … your mom is a “die hard Jesus fanatic”, yet you haven’t told her that a polaroid picture of her contains both Jesus AND her “deceast” mother? Wouldn’t this be something she might really want to know?

    And how does one authenticate pictures of Jesus? Is there a certification agency somewhere? Can you take it to the Antiques Roadshow people? I can just see Leslie and Leigh Keno waxing poetic about this picture of Jesus and zombie grandma.

    (And I’m amused, because way, way back in YSaC, Vol. X I threatened to start a zombie grandma tag, but didn’t think I’d ever get to use it again.)

    Thanks to Brian for sending this one in!

  • YSaC, Vol. 310: And then there’s …

    Life sized cardboard cutout of Beatrice Arthur

    Ive been having medical issue and can no longer use this for its intended purpose. Free to a good home email me to arrange pick up if no replies she is going in the trash 🙁

    What on earth IS the intended purpose of a lifesized cardboard cutout of Bea Arthur? And what medical issue would prevent said use? The mind boggles.

  • YSaC, Vol. 304: Oooh, I’m deail-oieed! Pick me!

    Another listing from kajiji.com:

    Development Internship

    Job Title: Development Internship
    Job Code: 62707
    Location: Beverly Hills, CA

    Job Description: Awad Wiig Poducio Compay seeks ceaive ad moivaed developme ies, wih good compue skills ad kowledge of PHOTOSHOP, EXCEL,WORD, ad WEB DESiGN. Cadidaes mus be deail-oieed, ad skilled a efficie muliaskig. Mus have a ca ad good phoe maes. Ie mus be self-moivaed wih good ceaive juice ad good disposiio. Mus have a ca, 4-5 hous a day 3 imes a week, we will wok aoud you school schedule. Wa o lea moe abou he ceaive pocess of he TV/FILM Idusy ad ge a lo of oe o oe aeio? Souds like fu?The e-mail a sho message abou youself, you school, you coac ifo, ad aach a esumeResposibiliies iclude assisig wih geeal office duies, help maiai ad impleme ew ideas fo ou websie. Wie coveage, email ad pos o websie, ad blog sie. All of hese duies deal wih coe, compleed episodes , wokig o a movie almos fom scach. Please ell Globalkid Vid & Film Facoy ha you foud he lisig a Coac: PLEASE NO PHONE CALLS VIA- EMAIL IS PREFFERED. Via email: melaie@xxxxxxx.comThis employe will accep you esume as ex i body of emailThis employe will accep you esume as a aachme &bsp; Please ell Globalkid Vid & Film Facoy ha you foud he lisig a View all he lisigs fomGlobalkid Vid & Film Facoy Pie Fiedly VesioEmail his o a fied

    Elle sends this one in, saying, “I would think that the “n,” “t,” and “r” keys weren’t working, except the title and one sentence toward the end are spelled perfectly. Maybe this is part of the interview process – you must be proficient at deciphering ridiculous web-speak?”

    Well, not exactly perfectly, since they misspelled preferred (I know, I’m a pedant) … but it does seem as though the capital letters work (note the T in PHOTOSHOP, the R in WORD, and the N in DESiGN, and elsewhere). How very odd. Souds like fu, indeed. I’ve heard of disemvoweling, but this is ridiculous.

    I was eally emped o wie a log paagaph ad delee he same lees ha wee missig i he pos, jus o make you deciphe he ex some moe, bu I would eve do ha o you lovely people. Uless you sed i moe submissios, of couse!

  • YSaC, Vol. 297: The next topic is dish soap.

    This was posted in writing gigs:

    Creative Writer

    In an need of a creative writer, the item is Area rugs and carpets.

    Please send quotes

    We’ve got some creative people here — even though this ad isn’t very inspirational (or, for that matter, informative), let’s see what we can come up with! Area rugs and carpets — ready, set, write!

    [Sent in by fly_girl_5000 — thanks!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 293: Kids would ask for it by name if they knew what the hell it was.

    This one was in the European Craigslist, but is just as inexplicable as the posts in the US:

    Velvet Ovlatine – EUR22 (SG)

    Hand make version of this velvet drink, ready for the ripe drinking. I got the powder, just need to milk to mix with it.

    Anyone in the area that wants to share the mix, please reply. Oh and I think we could use a harpoon to help mix it.
    Remember – english is my 2nd language – beauty marks, and moles come first.

    All trades plus shipping and handling. BYOB.
    293

    I think I speak for many, many people when I say, “… what?”

    Lotte sends this one in, saying, “I’m not even sure if this is a really subtle ad for some casual encounter of some sorts. The Ovaltine is hand-made, and it also says: I got the powder, just need TO milk to mix with it. Milking what, I just shudder to think really. Not to mention the harpoon reference. Plus a reference to beauty marks and moles AND the fact that the ad was placed under ‘barter’. Maybe Ovlatine is a whole other thing than Ovaltine. You know what I mean? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*….Now I feel sick.”