You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 435: Taylor-made for your approval.

    Heavy Duty Cabinet/Shelf – $15

    I have here a nice heavy duty cabinet/shelf. I put towels on the top and bathroom stuff in the drawers. You can put anything on top and also anything in the drawers. Rather heavy and solid.

    Contact Taylor xxx-xxx-xxxx. Call or Text please. Best Regards.

    435

    Wait a minute, there, Taylor. Are you saying I can put towels in the drawers? Are you sure you want to go that far out on a limb? Do you have anything to back up this wild assertion? I mean, you only ever put towels on the top; are you sure that I can put the towels in the drawers? What if I went totally crazy and put bathroom stuff on the top at the same time? Would my recklessness with cotton balls cause a singularity? Because if so, I can find somewhere else for my Lush bath bombs, I think. This just doesn’t seem safe to me.

    Taylor appears to have some very definite ideas about how his/her furniture should be used. There’s a whole series of these posts in which we are instructed on the correct and alternate uses of furniture:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 434: It’s waiting to take you away.

    Regular readers might remember the Case of the Missing Drawer. I think we may have found a post that solves that problem, and establishes the principle of the Conservation of Drawers in the meantime:

    TALL 5 DRAWER DRESSER – $65

    FOR SALE:

    SOLID PINE 5 DRAWER DRESSER. THIS DRESSER IS 53 1/4 ” HIGH BY 17 3/4″ WIDE BY 18″ DEEP. VERY STURDY AND HEAVY. IF INTERESTED PLEASE CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. THANKS FOR LOOKING.

    434

    It’s the postulated 6-drawer 5-drawer dresser! And, clearly, the one drawer is not subject to the laws of physics. That must be our magical mystery drawer.

    What? Why, yes, I’ll accept the Nobel Prize in Physics for the theory of the Conservation of Drawers! What an honor.

    Thanks to Jake for sending this in; Jake, I’ll split the medal with you, but the cash is mine!

  • YSaC, Vol. 433: What this table needs is a badger with spray paint.

    Table Dinner – $250

    Its in good shap.
    the coloer is blech.
    and it has 4 chars.
    And price is 250 or less make me an offer.

    437

    The poster is absolutely, positively correct in the assertion that the color of this table dinner is blech.

    My problem is that I have no idea where on the RGB spectrum blech falls. I don’t remember a crayon with that name; all I remember are things like red-orange and orange-red and burnt sienna and raw umber. Blech is most definitely not an officially-sanctioned Crayola color.

    It appears to fall somewhere in the spectacularly, hideously neutral range — you know, in the range of colors that are so inoffensive that they’ve swung all the way around the spectrum and are back to offensive?

    But the price is $250 or less. Oooh, wait, I know this game from The Price is Right! I’m going to have to go out on a limb here and guess “less.” Do I win? Do I win the table dinner and char set?

    Thanks, Kelly!

  • YSaC, Vol. 431: Serious cat does not LOL.

    Animal Print – $45

    Large Animal print collection from Home Interior
    obo

    Only serious people respond – I am not looking to buy, sell, or engage in other activities on this website – so please do not bother me with other offers! I am a very serious person!

    433

    I am Serious Lion. This is serious post. Serious, I say! Serious Lion is not interested in your solicitations to view your webcam or refinance my mortgage. Serious Lion will not send money to Nigeria via Western Union. Serious Lion is only interested in sitting here, and being serious. And a lion. Because I am Serious Lion.

    (Before anyone yells at me, follow the “lion” link. I know it’s not a lion.)

    Thanks, Lesley!

  • YSaC, Vol. 428: Can’t sleep. Clowns will get me.

    Here’s one that sits squarely in the “possibly awesome” category:

    Clown for Kicks

    I am looking for someone to dress up like a Clown and hang out with me. I would cook you diner – or we could BBQ something. I’m interested in making my neighbor lady wonder. I have already had a man in a panda costume last month – and also had a heard of sheep come in for the day to cut the grass. (sheep do a good job by the way). A clown would be something.
    Maybe you could bring some balloons – or make balloon animals to hang in my tree. I’d like to have this done some evening between 6pm and dark. The longer you can stay the better (like if you could stay for the whole 3 hours). Do you have any tricks you could do?
    Like I said – I could cook diner and get you drunk – I’d even be willing to pay your cab fare to and from. I don’t have much to offer – and my neighbor lady is driving me nuts – so I want to drive her nuts. If you had a Mime friend – it would be cool to see you two chase each other around the yard or do relay races while I time you.

    Let me know your thoughts – open to Men and Women Clowns.

    I’ve had some annoying neighbors in my day, but nobody yet has warranted bringing in the heavy artillery of sheep and costume characters.

    I once lived in a condo complex that had fairly strict regulations about holiday decorations; residents were only allowed to decorate two weeks before a holiday and one week after. To my amusement, nowhere in the condo bylaws did it say anything about those decorations having to be seasonally appropriate! My fantasy was to acquire a giant mechanical gopher, keep it on my porch year-round, and claim it was a holiday decoration for whatever random holiday was nearest.

    The fatal flaw in that plan turned out to be the general unavailability of giant mechanical gophers. (That, and there are no random holidays in August.)

    Thanks to Ashley and Alisa, who both sent this one in!

  • YSaC, Vol. 427: Title of the Post.

    We here at YSaC put a lot of thought into the titles of our posts. It pleases us greatly when someone gets the (occasionally obscure, usually stupid) reference we are making. Hell, it just pleases us if someone notices there is a title at all!

    Anyway, sometimes we get submissions where people haven’t put quite as much thought into the title of their ad as we do. For example:

    Free Baby and Various items

    “Yes, the baby is still available, as are the various items. I’m sorry, what? What are the various items? Oh, there’s lots of stuff … there’s a combine harvester, a cassette tape of Seals & Crofts, a turnip twaddler, and four garbage bags full of ping-pong balls. You’ll take all of it and the baby? Great!”

    i box of misselounous – $20

    There was a big Greek community where I grew up. It’s nice of Mr. Box O. Misselounous to introduce himself to everyone on Craigslist. I think he might have been my algebra teacher.

    AVENT ISIS ON THE GO MANUAL BEAST PUMP KIT-PAID $50–USED EXACTLY ONCE

    It was used exactly once, but it was used to pump a herd of wildebeest across a crocodile-infested river. (You may have seen the footage on the When Animals Eat Each Other channel.)

    THE BEST VENUE FOR THE BEST RAPERS

    We should put our up incoming female raper in touch with this venue. I mean, if you’re going to do something, at least be the best at it, right?

    Thanks to Kriss, Ashley, totallyfakeaddress@email.com (hey, if that’s what you send me, that’s what I’m going to post!), and Jocelyn for the submissions!