You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 427: Title of the Post.

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We here at YSaC put a lot of thought into the titles of our posts. It pleases us greatly when someone gets the (occasionally obscure, usually stupid) reference we are making. Hell, it just pleases us if someone notices there is a title at all!

Anyway, sometimes we get submissions where people haven’t put quite as much thought into the title of their ad as we do. For example:

Free Baby and Various items

“Yes, the baby is still available, as are the various items. I’m sorry, what? What are the various items? Oh, there’s lots of stuff … there’s a combine harvester, a cassette tape of Seals & Crofts, a turnip twaddler, and four garbage bags full of ping-pong balls. You’ll take all of it and the baby? Great!”

i box of misselounous – $20

There was a big Greek community where I grew up. It’s nice of Mr. Box O. Misselounous to introduce himself to everyone on Craigslist. I think he might have been my algebra teacher.

AVENT ISIS ON THE GO MANUAL BEAST PUMP KIT-PAID $50–USED EXACTLY ONCE

It was used exactly once, but it was used to pump a herd of wildebeest across a crocodile-infested river. (You may have seen the footage on the When Animals Eat Each Other channel.)

THE BEST VENUE FOR THE BEST RAPERS

We should put our up incoming female raper in touch with this venue. I mean, if you’re going to do something, at least be the best at it, right?

Thanks to Kriss, Ashley, totallyfakeaddress@email.com (hey, if that’s what you send me, that’s what I’m going to post!), and Jocelyn for the submissions!

Comments

70 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 427: Title of the Post.”

  1. Fraulein N Avatar
    Fraulein N

    Oh lord. A beast pump. I … don’t even want to know. I mean, I can sort of guess (hope?) they meant breast pump, but they put “beast pump” and now that’s what I’m thinking of. God dammit. No matter what kind of pump it is — breast, beast, or … uh, beast — I don’t want any kind of pump that’s been used by a stranger “exactly once.” Even approximately once is too much for me.

    1. HappyNat Avatar
      HappyNat

      I actually really want to know what a beast pump is and how it works. Maybe there is a PBS special. I’m sure once I find out I’ll wish I never knew . . . damn inquisitive nature.

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Perhaps this is an ESL issue, and this has been auto-corrected from pompe de Brest. And, since it was only used during l’inondation de 1807, that counts as “once used” (while not being “nearly new”–a phrase not used by M. Sparqueé in the ad).

        Of course, since I am not a student of couture, there may in fact be a well-known sabot petites d’Brest which the cobbler Ajax spells as “pump” rather than as “pompe.”

    2. Laura Jane Avatar
      Laura Jane

      I prefer to think of it as half of a pair of beast pumps– cute shoes made from ostrich skin, or possibly cheetah. That’s where the “on the go” part comes in, these are totally beast pumps that you can run in. However why she is only selling one, I don’t know. Perhaps one of the beast pumps was eaten by the dog who got confused by the smell of wildebeest in her closet.

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Ah, so, a bedazzled dear hoof slipper in a modest low-rise heel?
        This makes sense.
        Also the “used only once” part, too–being beset by cougars would discourage much additional use.

  2. KT Avatar
    KT

    Well then, it should warm your heart to know that when I’m done reading a post, I scroll back up the title to make extra-sure I didn’t miss it.

    I’m serious.

  3. PrincessLuceval Avatar
    PrincessLuceval

    The titles are definitely the lure.

    And a “beast pump” was totally used in the kitchen during the preparation of the “roast beast” in Whoville.

  4. Sherri Avatar
    Sherri

    WHY, please goddess above tell me WHY, does that old and very yucky joke about the guy milking the bull come to mind when I see the phrase “beast pump”?

    I’m going to be stuck with that image in my head all day. No amount of thinking about hippopotami or dancing pink elephants or bananas will help. It’s only 10 am and I’m left with no recourse but vodka. I haven’t even had TOAST yet.

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      I’m a little late on the draw here, but the solution is obviously to toast with vodka.

  5. SockHead Avatar
    SockHead

    I would say that it shocks me that titler number two couldn’t differentiate between the “i” and “1” keys, but nothing shocks me on this blog anymore. Nothing. *cue nightmare image sequence*

    1. Caro Avatar
      Caro

      Perhaps the titler was just trying to cash in on the iFad — iBox of “misselounous” accessories for overpriced music player, $20.

    2. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      There is the tiniest of possibilities–quantum-level probability, really–that “i” is used as a quantity, meaning that Spark’ has √-1 cartons of possibly Greek items to vend.

      1. Lizzi Avatar
        Lizzi

        That’s giving Sparky way too much credit

  6. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    i think i’ll have the misselounous things if they are different from the various. but i’m gonna have to pass on that baby. i’ll tune into that ‘when aminals eat their young’ channel. thanks for that tip.

  7. Irregular Fractal Avatar
    Irregular Fractal

    Serious points for the reference in the post title, Web Boss. Serious points.

    1. 2Sly4You Avatar
      2Sly4You

      I must not be one of teh cool. What is it a reference to?

      1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
        Irregular Fractal

        It’s a brilliant metasong by the now-defunct a cappella group, Da Vinci’s Notebook, who gave rise to the folk/comedy/geekmusic duo Paul and Storm.

        Here’s the tune, with lyrics for your edification and enjoyment.

        —————

        Pithy yet overused jaunty signature quote

        1. BassBone Avatar
          BassBone

          Love that sig! Also I miss Da Vinci’s Notebook horribly. Paul and Storm aren’t the same to me.

  8. 2Sly4You Avatar
    2Sly4You

    Oh! Oh! I’ll take the baby! Especially since it is free. I can make a tidy profit selling it on ebaby! Nice!!

    1. HappyNat Avatar
      HappyNat

      Use it for a tax write off first and then sell it on ebay.

    2. pixie721 Avatar
      pixie721

      What kind of simpleton gives away a valuable commodity, such as a baby, that can be sold for enormous profit?

      1. Traveler Avatar
        Traveler

        They are probably trying to create a loophole. They know they can’t sell a baby, so they are offering the “various items” for the price they would ask for the baby and give the brat as a “gift” for the purchase.

  9. SoundsLikeVla Avatar
    SoundsLikeVla

    No, I don’t want the whole lot…just the bags of ping pong balls…I have a cubicle I need to fill…What? The balls and the baby? Well what’s wrong with him/her? The birth wasn’t announced four times? The invitationes didn’t get put in the meil? Oh. I see. That’s bad. No thanks, I’ll pass on everything.

  10. Chilly Avatar
    Chilly

    Bonus thumbs-up for the obscure Bloom County reference.

    1. PrincessLuceval Avatar
      PrincessLuceval

      Yup. Turnip twaddlers are a rarity these days.

  11. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    So…is the “best venue for the best rapers” guy trying to sell his van, or…?

  12. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    Comment.

    1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
      Irregular Fractal

      Acknowledgement of comment. Shared revelry at original post.

      Slightly obscure pop culture reference designed to assess commenter’s online street cred.

      Minor grammar nitpick.

      1. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        Rambling personal anecdote.
        Fictitious exchange between imaginary characters referencing posting.

        1. frigglesnitz Avatar
          frigglesnitz

          Blithering comment displaying how little I know about anything previously posted.

      2. Colleen in MA Avatar
        Colleen in MA

        Snarky comment about your personal anecdote.

        1. Count Blah Avatar
          Count Blah

          Overzealous defense of said personal anecdote. Misspelled and faulty accusations re: your sense of humour, living situation, and personal hygiene.

        2. JcT Avatar
          JcT

          Totally unrelated comment posted in the wrong place; caused by accidentally clicking on the wrong “Reply” link.

        3. JcT Avatar
          JcT

          Not really heartfelt apology for clicking wrong “Reply” link followed by long, boring, drawn-out explanation of what a dumb-ass I am.

      3. Mrphysic Avatar
        Mrphysic

        Formal rebuttal of entire post and comments because, one: all these items ARE, in fact, useful – and accidental spelling mistakes are never funny (not even ironically). two: the web boss’ living arrangements and level of education are questionable. three: I’m a douchebag

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Irate tirade about your douchebaggery. Personal remark attempting to link myself in a personal way to the Web Boss, all part of a plan to get my own tag. Dismal failure at a snappy closing.

        2. dan Avatar
          dan

          Irritated response to attempt to make personal linkage web boss. Reminder of actual personal linkage to web boss. Supercilious attempt to lord said personal connection over other posters. Oatmeal.

          (I have no idea where that last came from. I just like oatmeal.)

        3. isaac Avatar
          isaac

          Cranky late-to-the-game addendum unlikely to be read by any of the site’s regulars, in which I make a mildly amusing riposte or pun, or (more likely) merely repeat the joke that others were enjoying several months ago.

        4. develish1 Avatar
          develish1

          Boring remark about having read addendum.
          Small laugh at pun.
          Flippant comment about going out to get drunk

    2. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      Interjection from future replete with time-advanced memes aside somewhat out of context to original sense of trope. Porridge.

    3. Lou Stool Avatar
      Lou Stool

      Comment more than 3 years after-the-fact pointing out that nobody has said “PECIL!”. Acknowledgement of a corner to the Snark Lounge.

      edit: Comment about how that was supposed to nest, but didn’t.

  13. Jay Avatar
    Jay

    “turnip twaddler”

    Bloom County!

    (see, people do get your obscure references..)

  14. BassBone Avatar
    BassBone

    Title of the post
    Naive hope that you’ll buy
    Reluctance to accept that you may not
    Request that you drive here
    And pick up all my junk
    Repetition of
    The title of the post

    1. Liz Avatar
      Liz

      Heheh… another fan of Davinci’s Notebook, I see! 🙂

  15. sarajean80 Avatar
    sarajean80

    Here I’ve been worried about the whole ‘ticking biological clock’ thing when all I had to do was troll CraigsList for a baby. I would have thought it would be easier to find a baby daddy on CraigsList than a baby.
    I actuallly found a “beast pump” in a thrift store once. It took me a minute to realize what it was because it had been dumped into a large plastic ziploc bag. It had also been used once. You could tell because it had Not. Been. Washed. Think about that for a minute. I had to run home and scrub my hands with bleach after that.

    I thought I was the only one who got the turnip twaddler reference.

    Yay! I got a quote in the featured column! Congrats to Jess as well☺

    1. Jess Avatar
      Jess

      Congrats to you as well sarajean. Couldn’t have done it without you.

    2. My Evil Twin Avatar
      My Evil Twin

      4 seil – 1 byolojicle clock

      my beutiful biolojacol clock smashed to tiny peeces beefor it wuz finished beeing instaled.
      it stil ticking tho. kinda scaree, maybe bomb. i want to maek shur it go to gud hoem so asking four rehoming fee of 50.
      it liek new, comes with matching beast pump, baby and various items.

    3. Fraulein N Avatar
      Fraulein N

      Nooooo…

  16. KikiMayMay Avatar
    KikiMayMay

    What, and possibly who, determines the the “best” rapers? Or perhaps they meant “beast”.

    1. Tankerbell Avatar
      Tankerbell

      My mind then went to “beast rapers”, but then rapidly retreated from the nebulous proto-visual that was forming, and thought some more about oatmeal. *whew* That was close.

  17. JcT Avatar
    JcT

    Sorry, I really got nothin’ here.

    The best rapers of the beast pump cause misselounous free babies?

  18. KikiMayMay Avatar
    KikiMayMay

    And various items.

  19. Jess Avatar
    Jess

    The beast pump thing has that old Sour Skittles commercial replaying in my mind. The one where the old guy is being milked. UGH! ::shudders::

    1. 2Sly4You Avatar
      2Sly4You

      Ew! I’ll need to scrub my brain with bleach to rid it of that thought. Blech!

  20. Maureen Avatar
    Maureen

    I’m pleased to say I know NOTHING about the Sour Skittles commercial (not owning a TV has its advantages). And I am thrilled to say I got the reference to “Title of the Song” and “turnip twaddler”. I feel all cool now.

  21. Katy Avatar
    Katy

    ‘USED EXACTLY ONCE’ still means you’re buying a used breast pump. For about what I bought my new one for. I’m a little bit picky about where my lady lumps go. That might just be me. After reading this blog I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some kind of fetish regarding that particular item.

  22. Cyrus Avatar
    Cyrus

    Oh nooo. Babies are not free, don’t try and play me like that.

    1. JcT Avatar
      JcT

      Babies are not free. Ever. Heh heh. Both of my kids are gone now, in college. I got the call yesterday from one of them; apparently there are some “dues” that have to be paid. Cha-ching! Empty out the wallet again.

      But at least I am done paying child support now, after 15 years. 🙂

      I think of that whenever I see a sign somewhere claiming “Free puppies” or Free kittens”. Uh, no they’re NOT.

    2. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      As the saying goes, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

  23. Mimi Avatar
    Mimi

    Post a comment full of obsequious musings about the Web Boss, full of grandiose language and obscure (yet hysterical) refrences to old YSaC posts to prove long time readership, in a vain attempt to be selected as the “comment of the day.”

  24. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Wow, this is almost pre-history! Before we punched out the person in the box. So, who would you have picked? And I bet that baby is still available, but not so baby-like anymore.

    1. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
      Dave and Ferret Tribe

      By now, I’m sure that the baby has spread misselounous all over the carpet and even broken the beast pump.

  25. Lizzi Avatar
    Lizzi

    Ugh, there are just some used items that should NOT be resold. Even when spelled correctly.

  26. Lizzi Avatar
    Lizzi

    Only a few times have I recognized the titles as coming from something. Even when I don’t, they’re funny as hell. A person doesn’t have to know the reference to be amused by it and that’s why I love it.

  27. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Well, Windrose, I would have picked Irregular Fractal’s reply to comment comment.

    1. Lizzi Avatar
      Lizzi

      That whole section was highly amusing

  28. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    Is it me, or are all of these ads very?

  29. DigitalAxis Avatar
    DigitalAxis

    “The best venue for the best rapers”

    Fortunately, Chris Hansen’s crime-catching techniques improved after that post.

  30. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    HamCan, who’s a good puppy? You are! Who wants a tummy rub? You do! Who’s getting this instead? You are! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, A Million Pints of Light!

    1. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      OUCH! *wags*

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