You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 1727: After five it’s a gas

    Thanks to our wonderful readers, it’s been quite some time since the Llamanun and I have had to actually LOOK at Craigslist for blog fodder. We still have plenty of good suggestions in the queue, but just for the heck of it, I decided to see what the “Casual Encounters” section had to offer.

    The problem with looking on “Casual Encounters” for terrible Craigslist posts is that it’s just too easy. It feels like cheating, almost.

    I just want boobs. – m4w

    I just want boobs to play with, maybe more if we both agree.
    No pressure, just fun.Send picture and your age.
    Big or small i like em all.

    NO PICTURE NO REPLY.

    Put BOOBS in the subject line to weed out spam.

    This may be the only person in the world where you put BOOBS in the subject line and he’s less likely to consider it spam.

    Need a tattooed man – w4m

    Do you look like the guy in the photo? Tattoos and glasses?? I love guys who are rocking this style, it drives me crazy! Hit me up if you are one of them 😉

    Apparently her style is “albinos in snowstorms,” because there was no actual picture.

    Busy med student seeking something casual – m4w

    Hello!

    I am a 24 year old busy med student. I’m white, clean, fit, and hung:)

    I am looking for a laid back girl for a casual no strings relationship.

    I am in a relationship if my own, but I miss the excitement of meeting new people. If anything happens, it needs to be on the down low.

    I am very normal and I am not going to stalk or murder you lol. I don’t have time for that.

    If you are interested in chatting message back. Put your eye color in The subject line:)

    I promise you will not regret it!

    What’s terrifying is that if this guy were just a little less busy, he’d have time to stalk or murder you.

    Thanks for the posts, Craigslist!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1673: That’s not brass in pocket.

    I put my hair in your pocket – w4m – 25

    Saturday night at a bar on [street] I looked at you through a few groups of people. I think your shirt had PJ Harvey on it, but it was mostly covered by your brown coat. I thought about asking you to my car to share a cigarette, I thought it’d be intimate. Maybe we’d talk about what we did for a living or maybe I’d touch your hand. We didn’t speak to each other because I retreated a bit away from everyone to be more comfortable. You walked by me on your way to the men’s room and removed your coat. When you placed it on the hook, I pulled a nail file out of my bag and sawed a lock of hair off to put in your pocket. Hope you found it.

    Oooh, so close there, Sparkette. It’s obvious that these star-crossed lovers are just not meant to be, because I’m sure that the guy noticed her but thought, “Hmmm, I’d really like to go to an enclosed space and share carcinogenic toxins with her, but it’s a shame that there’s a big chunk of her hair missing. Oh hey, what’s this in my pocket? Oh cool, my pet vole will love this as bedding.”

    Thanks, Alison!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1642: Worst baby name list ever.

    Olive Edith Zola Koa Beatrice Chamois Petal Cindy Urna Lila – 19

    Arnold Cypress Merlin Puck Luke Mike,Mikey Dickens Kokamo Magic Hamlet Jock Fletcher Comet Falcon Basil Hobbit Morley Mako Gusevik Zog Elwood Fighter Bubby Friday Dalton Wiggles Houdini Juice Harper Piranha Kegger Bellamy Norman Wolfer Durango Micha Davinci Rusty Paloma Cowboy Flipper Cujo Joe Zepplin Horus Caliber Patches Felix Rooney Pylon Ronin Matera Bean Hunter Wiley Zephyr Fender Atlas Moose Loki Hart Funky Zeb

    I give this four stars. I want to give it five, but the third act was slow and a little hard to follow. Also the use of the deus ex machina to resolve the central conflict was a bit of a cheat. So really it’s only worth three stars, now that I think about it. And even that might be a bit generous. I mean, they introduce “Piranha” about halfway through and never develop the character at all. And you can see the twist ending with “Zeb” coming a mile away. So maybe only one star, minus one-half star for the comma splice and lack of punctuation.

    Thanks, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 475: No pants, no service.

    Gas station – m4w

    I should of came over and got your phone number. How about giving me another try? Could u tell me what gas station we where at 2 let me know it’s u?

    Hey, it’s me! Remember me? I was the guy with the car at the gas station. I was at the one pump, and you were at another one. Remember? I knew you would. I was wearing that shirt, and shoes. Oh yeah, and pants. Name’s Billy. I can’t wait to hear from you.

    And regular readers might recall the saga of 37, who appears to post creepy missed connection/stalkerish things about every woman he encounters during his day. Liz is kind enough to send us another episode:

    girl at Fatz – m4w – 37

    x/xx/09 i went to Fatz to eat lunch at 12:00.the host that seated me.sorry didn’t get you name or # or anything.she was very pretty and sexy and nice.really would like to get to know you more.next time you should take a break and join me.we made eye contact several times.she had on black shirt and pants.she had med lenght blondish brown hair.hope the girl see this.if you are the girltell me what i said to you or what i look like.far as that goes Fatz has all pretty and sexy women working there.if any of the girls works at Fatz see this and interested.please let me know.i’m just looking for a good girl.

    I want to meet this one girl specifically. Or any of the other girls there. Hope the girl see this. Or any girl. Any girl at all.

    Thanks for the submissions, April and Liz!

  • YSaC, Vol. 466: Seemed like a good idea at the time.

    lets smoke and see where it goes 420 – m4w – 26

    looking for a laid back chick to smoke with, im 26, white, 6 foot 3, good looking, and ready to get high and hang out with a cool chick. Im d and d free, you be too. Open to age and race and looking for tonight. open for pretty much anything, im an oral expert if it goes there, also good at giving messages. bbws and shaved a plus.
    466

    You’re d and d free, you say? I’m going to assume that means that you’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons, because otherwise you’re really unclear on what “d and d free” means.

    Oh sure, there’s the “marijuana isn’t really a drug” argument, which I’m sure this guy will be happy to make at great length until you distract him with a shiny object and a bag of Cheetos, but for all intents and purposes, “d and d” free implies something that the rest of this ad refutes rather overtly.

    But he’s good at giving messages. Can you take a message for yourself, dude? It’s from you in the future. That’s right, it’s a message from Future Sparky. Future Sparky would like to tell himself that it’s a bad idea to advertise marijuana on Craigslist. He would have told himself himself, but he’s doing six to ten and lost his internet privileges when he got into that fight with the guy named Bubba.

    The second part of the message is to avoid guys named Bubba.

    Thanks for the posting, Mark!

  • YSaC, Vol. 461: I think we’re going to need a bigger condom.

    I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks) – m4w

    My condom is big.Please come.Why i invites you.Come over and we can watch good things.I like good movies only.No bad movie.I have titanics and Godfathers.

    Regular readers of this blog may recall that I haven’t seen Titanic. Nonetheless, I don’t remember there being sharks in the movie; if there had been, I might have actually gone to see it.

    Rose: Oh, Jack, I’ll never let you go.

    *shark jumps out of the water, eats Jack*

    Rose: Oh, Jack!

    Shark: Nom nom nom.

    And let’s be honest here: if you’re using the plural version of Godfather, then you’re including Godfather Part III — which means Sofia Coppola. I think the term “good” is up for debate here. It’s certainly better than, say, Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous (I herald that movie as one of the signs of the impending apocalypse), but good?

    Although he’s using the plural version of Titanic as well, so maybe he’s including The Poseidon Adventure … although watching an aquatic Shelley Winters might not set the right mood.

    Looks like we found someone who can help out this guy, though.

    Anyway, I can’t remember who sent me this one — I apologize!