You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 461: I think we’re going to need a bigger condom.

Written by

drmk

in

I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks) – m4w

My condom is big.Please come.Why i invites you.Come over and we can watch good things.I like good movies only.No bad movie.I have titanics and Godfathers.

Regular readers of this blog may recall that I haven’t seen Titanic. Nonetheless, I don’t remember there being sharks in the movie; if there had been, I might have actually gone to see it.

Rose: Oh, Jack, I’ll never let you go.

*shark jumps out of the water, eats Jack*

Rose: Oh, Jack!

Shark: Nom nom nom.

And let’s be honest here: if you’re using the plural version of Godfather, then you’re including Godfather Part III — which means Sofia Coppola. I think the term “good” is up for debate here. It’s certainly better than, say, Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous (I herald that movie as one of the signs of the impending apocalypse), but good?

Although he’s using the plural version of Titanic as well, so maybe he’s including The Poseidon Adventure … although watching an aquatic Shelley Winters might not set the right mood.

Looks like we found someone who can help out this guy, though.

Anyway, I can’t remember who sent me this one — I apologize!

Comments

99 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 461: I think we’re going to need a bigger condom.”

  1. Jami_no_e Avatar
    Jami_no_e

    After that first comment I feel really dirty and like I need to have my brain scrubbed with bleach.

    Also, if he thinks “Titanics” is a good movie he’s got another think coming.

    1. Bridgete Avatar
      Bridgete

      Well, it did win the award for Best Picture. Now, personally, I don’t think that necessarily means anything, but if that’s his criteria…

      1. casualencounters.com/blog Avatar
        casualencounters.com/blog

        If that’s his criteriON… then his criteriON SUCKS.

  2. PapaSloth Avatar
    PapaSloth

    “Aquatic Shelley Winters” – I saw that movie. It starred Gregory Peck as Ahab.

  3. neverfirst Avatar
    neverfirst

    My condom is.
    Big, please come.
    Why, i invites you! Come over and we can watch.
    Good things I like. Good movies. Only no bad movie.
    I have titanics and God.
    Fathers!

    See, with different breaks and punctuation it’s just bad poetry.

    1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
      Igor the Vigorous

      It’s only poetry if you’re a dolphin who dropped WAY too much acid and just woke up next to an ugly squid/seahorse married couple. 😛

  4. Ed Snyder Avatar
    Ed Snyder

    Haven’t figured out what big condoms have to do with the rest of the ad. If all they’re gonna do is watch movies, why worry about the size of the condom at all? Also, just because a condom is big doesn’t mean the thing it’s going on is all that.

    1. PapaSloth Avatar
      PapaSloth

      He needs the big condom because he has titanics.

    2. Isaac Avatar
      Isaac

      Maybe it’s a typo, and this fellow is just lonesome in his cavernous condo?

      “Please come watch movies with me. My condo is big. I bought this place under foreclosure, and it’s really more house than I need. Who on earth needs a two-thousand-square-foot living room? Can you hear me way over there? Let’s watch Titanics together!”

      1. Ed Snyder Avatar
        Ed Snyder

        I actually think you’re right, Isaac. It makes more sense as condo than condom. Freudian typo.

      2. sweetbiscuit Avatar
        sweetbiscuit

        I agree Isaac. We moved to Chile last year, and our English-speaking guide showed us a selection of apartments, houses and “condoms”. I did correct him after he said it the 3rd time, but I have had several other people talk about living in a “condom” since. I’m guessing it’s a South-American spam-bot.

        1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          -Giggles a spambots having nationalities-
          I thought that business was mostly in China?

        2. chagnasty Avatar
          chagnasty

          I live in China (Shanghai), and it’s not that the spambot business is mostly in China, so much as there are many people here who speak/write like spambots. Often these people also think they speak good English, and other people here who speak no English don’t know any better and hire them to do the same activities as a spambot (labor’s cheap enough that you don’t need to download a spambot, you can just pay someone to type bad English all over the place… seriously). Fortunately for me, my Chinese is decent and I can bypass that sort of thing. This is not to say that no one here can speak English well, there are tons of people that can speak it well… just there are even more who can’t.

          Case in point from when I used to teach English- A girl whose mother named her “Even”, and who the girl swore up and down spoke perfect English. I had a conversation with the mother to try and get her to change her daughter’s name (the girl refused repeatedly… I felt it was my duty to keep these kids from having names that were completely ridiculous…). Needless to say, the conversation devolved into Chinese because it was easier. Basically the mother wanted to name her daughter “Evan”, because, as we all know, Evan is a boys name, and it’s spelled “Even”. Nothing like being a native speaker and having your language ability impugned by someone who studied for a semester in college.

        3. Linda Avatar
          Linda

          Sorry chagnasty…

          My daughter’s name is Evan.

  5. dan Avatar
    dan

    Now wait just a minute, drmk. You haven’t seen ANY of the Godfather movies, so you’re hardly in a position to comment. (For that matter, I don’t think you’ve seen “Armed and Fabulous II” either, but I’m not going to quibble with your assessment of THAT one) The Godfather, Part III is only weak by comparison to the other two movies… Sofia Coppola isn’t on screen THAT much.

    Besides, he could just have Godfaters I & II. That would still be plural.

    And furthermore…*shark jumps out of water, eats ostrich*

    Shark: Nom nom nom

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Oh, Dan! We were just getting to be good chums!

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        Snort.

        1. sweetbiscuit Avatar
          sweetbiscuit

          ah well, now you can marry the emu that Dan always secretly aspired to be.

      2. Isaac Avatar
        Isaac

        That pun actually took me a second. Ouch.

    2. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Does this mean the llama is single?
      Time for a Ladies’ Night Out!
      Bring plenty of ones.

      1. Meredith Avatar
        Meredith

        “ALL my single llamas” (echo) “all my single llamas”

        “ALL my single llamas” (echo) “all my single llamas”

        “Put your…whatever those things you’ve got are…UP”

        “LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA LLAMA–LA LA LALLMA”
        “LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA LLAMA–LA LA LALLMA”

        1. Isaac Avatar
          Isaac

          Paws?

          Hoofs?

          Tentekils?

          That’s a good question.

        2. lareina Avatar
          lareina

          Llamas have hooves. As I know to my cost. I have an interesting u-shaped scar on my leg as a permanent reminder.

          And now I have the prologue from ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ playing in my head, according to which the movie was directed by 40 specially trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas, 6 Venezuelan Red Llamas, 142 Mexican Whooping Llamas, 14 North Chilean Guanacos (closely related to the llama), Reg Llama of Brixton, 76000 Battery Llamas from “Llama-Fresh” Farms Ltd. near Paraguay…..and Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones.

      2. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
        Igor the Vigorous

        And that is why I always ask for multiple ones in change when I play Monopoly.
        Gotta save for that trip to Monopo-Vegas.

    3. Irregular Fractal Avatar
      Irregular Fractal

      Leave the shark. Take the cannoli.

    4. Isaac Avatar
      Isaac

      I want “Shark: Nom Nom Nom” to be the name of a band.

      Maybe some poppy j-rock girl band?

  6. sarajean80 Avatar
    sarajean80

    Poor lonely bot, my heart weeps for you. Let me respond to your poorly written ad so you can spend your empty days filling my inbox with ads for penile enhancements, business opportunities that will earn me millions without having to spend a penny, and ways to earn various degrees online.

  7. Sherri Avatar
    Sherri

    Wait, wait, wait.

    He’s just an old movie buff (among other questionable things). Just to clarify (since I want our beloved site leaders be right always) there are, per IMdb, 7 different movies titled “Titanic”. The first was made in 1915. It was made again in 1943 and 1953. Really, James Cameron’s take on the story is a late comer. So, it’s entirely possible to have multiple, different movies with the same title — because, you know, Hollywood is so original like that.

    Now, with that out of the way, can we set up a roach motel for this creep?

    1. Tacomagic Avatar
      Tacomagic

      Given what he considers “good movies” I’m betting he already owns a copy of “Roach Motel.”

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        I think he’s more of a Joe’s Apartment kinda guy myself.

      2. Jinx Avatar
        Jinx

        Or “Creep Show”!

        1. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          “The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill” gave me nightmares the first time I saw that movie, really itchy nightmares.

        2. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          Oh but Steven King was so adorably dreamy in that vignette dontcha’ think? Those overalls defintely brought back sexy. Hehe..

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      Sherri: My theory is he’s talking about a documentary on Plate Tectonics.

    3. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      Yeah! I like the one with Tim Curry being naughty, and the one where the piano crashes through all the floors and the kid is trying to get across the huge hole in her cabin! That one freaked me worse than made-for-tv horror movies!

      (Was that the same movie?)

    4. NotMyName Avatar
      NotMyName

      The 1943 Titanic was made by the Nazis. Or so Cracked says.

  8. Meredith Avatar
    Meredith

    So it’s a bot or creep that is obsessed with every incarnation of Titanic??? I’M obsessed with every incarnation of “My Mother the Car”…what are the odds???!!!

    And I may have the strangest mental picture ever now: As soon as I read the fish line and then the big condom line, I started picturing some kind of “Deadliest Catch” vision, with a GIANT condom sweeping the ocean. I’ve heard you catch a lot of debris that way.

    1. PrincessLuceval Avatar
      PrincessLuceval

      And now I have an image of condom flotsam. Which would be an awesome name for a band.

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        I’d totally go see Condom Flotsam. They’d open up for Pöissön Sqüirrëls.

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          drmk’s use of amusingly egregious umlauts ftw. Also, if you have a fan club I want to join – not just because I love the blog but because I have never, ever, ever seen Cameron’s Titanic, and I love meeting other people who haven’t succumbed. I’ve never seen Forrest Gump or Jurassic Park, either. Not a film snob, just not interested.
          (I’m going to suggest, however, that you give Godfather and Godfather II a whirl someday, though.)

        2. JcT Avatar
          JcT

          With special guest hair-metal band Grammar Slap.

          I had just started a relationship with She-Who-Is-Now-My-Ex and She had a delightful daughter (who was around 14 at the time, with a huge crush on Leo), and they insisted we all go together to see Titanic. It was the greatest movie I have ever seen. Period. The scenes of the boat cracking in half, people plunging to their deaths from the top of the boat-end hanging in the air, parts of the boat crashing down onto people, etc. were the best special effects I have ever witnessed. I am not kidding, it was spectacular! I was in absolute awe of the entire boat-sinking.

          Oh, and there was some love-story stuff before and after that, which was absolute crap.

        3. lareina Avatar
          lareina

          Lola, permission to steal ‘Egregious Umlauts’ for my future band’s name? Pretty please? I’m already working out the lyrics for our first single, ‘Interrobang All Night Long,’ possibly to be released with ‘O, Ampersand!’ as a B-side track.

        4. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Permission given, and a +1 in the bargain!

          … So, is your lead singer’s name Tilde, perchance?

        5. Meredith Avatar
          Meredith

          And we have just named either our YSaC band, or the next hit single by the Plain White Tees: “I’ve Never Seen Titanic”

          p.s. neither have I, and I’m self-righteously proud of it.

        6. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          I loveth the mathterth…..
          Ith it all right if Igor’th friend JB changeth hith band name to Grammar Thlap and they can play for y’all?

        7. lareina Avatar
          lareina

          We have Tilde on lead vocals, and Virgule is our long-haired, tattooed drummer.

        8. bonni Avatar
          bonni

          Pilcrow wants to play the tambourine!!

        9. Bunnymuffin Avatar
          Bunnymuffin

          Tilde is my favorite punctuation mark of all time. Just saying.

        10. Bunnymuffin Avatar
          Bunnymuffin

          I could totally see Condom Flotsam opening for Flogging Molly.

      2. lareina Avatar
        lareina

        Eeeee! I am the featured comment! So exciting! Thanks, drmk!

    2. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Wow, I can picture that. It’s like this freaky jellyfish-looking thing. Weird.
      And now I’m wondering if they make condoms for marine mammals and if it’s the same one-size-fits-all or would they make different sizes for, let’s say,a dolphin and a blue whale?

      I thought condoms were supposed to PREVENT you from catching things?

      1. lost_compass Avatar
        lost_compass

        This brings a whole new subtext to Moby Dick. I may have to ask for an extension on my Melville thesis.

  9. Meredith Avatar
    Meredith

    WE ARE….CONDOM FLOTSOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!

    :::AIR GUITAR::: “WHEEEDDDDLLLYYY WHEEEEEE”

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Instead of undies your legions of fans will pelt you with Trojans. Hopefully new.

      1. PrincessLuceval Avatar
        PrincessLuceval

        Or maybe “Trogans.”

      2. Meredith Avatar
        Meredith

        No, as Prince said…

        “..She had a pocket full of horses

        Trojans, some of them used…”

        And may I just say on behalf of the whole band….BLECH!!!

    2. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      “Hellooooooooooooo, Marianas Trench! We are gonna rock your Bikini Atoll off ta-nite!”
      *crowd of sea creatures from so far down they’ve evolved into eyelessness goes wild*

    3. Isaac Avatar
      Isaac

      Opening for Condom Flotsam, tonight only: Judy and the Jetsams!

      1. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        With special guest, Skipper and the Castaways!

    4. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      Want flotsom? I’ve gotsom! Want jetsam? I can getsam!

      <3 Ogden Nash

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        I haven’t thought of Ogden Nash in ages. I loved him when I was young: “The Wendigo.”

        1. bonni Avatar
          bonni

          The Wendigo, the Wendigo! His eyes are ice and indigo! Oh, Ogden Nash. You rock.

        2. isaac Avatar
          isaac

          “A marvelous bird is the pelican. / His beak can hold more than his belly can.”

          also:

          “The ant has made himself illustrious / Through endless industry industrious. / And yet, would you be calm and placid / If you were full of formic acid?”

          Oh and I also remember, especially for drmk:

          “The one-L lama, he’s a priest. / The two-L llama, he’s a beast. / But I will bet a silk pyjama / There isn’t any three-L lllama.”

    5. chagnasty Avatar
      chagnasty

      Hit song/power ballad- “Hole in My the Head (She’s My Baby Now)”?

  10. mudslicker Avatar
    mudslicker

    I’m going with Capital “I” Isaac on this one [sometimes he’s a big “I”, sometimes he’s a little “i”]. I’m positive this Quentin- Tarantino-of-Crapola-Movies” was talking about his big condo [or congo–is he the African fish?].

    But why, amidst all this language train wreck, am I fixated on the fact that he doesn’t leave a space after his periods?!?!

    Anyway, it must be Carnaval at this guys place during Shark Week.

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      Actually, I don’t think that it’s a typo. I mean, I’m willing to entertain the possibility, since some of the other typing is crap, but given that this is a m4w ad, and the next sentence is “Please come,” I really don’t think he’s bragging about real estate.

      (Also: apparently I’m capitalized at work and lowercase here at home. I’ll have to change my settings at work.)

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        Oh don’t! I wanna know where you’re located at all postings. Did that sound stalker-esque? Yikes.

        And I want to thank you for murdering my Disney thoughts regarding this guy merely advertising his large apartment. The birds twittering gleefully in my head suddenly stopped like some cartoon record player scraping across vinyl just before the Acme anvil hits on the canyon below. Thanks isaac, just thanks.

        I’ll just mbeep mbeep away like Roadrunner dust now.

  11. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    I got nothin’.

  12. DanTM Avatar
    DanTM

    I can picture a LOLcat for just about every sentence in this ad. And now I need to go scrub my brain.

  13. Procrastinator Avatar
    Procrastinator

    Cudos to drmk for the “Jaws” reference in the title.

  14. Rick Avatar
    Rick

    This might be the single greatest ad ever on Craigslist. Come on ladies, why aren’t you lining up around the block for him with his BIG condom??
    I had to say something, otherwise I’d point & laugh

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Go with the pointing and laughing, it works wonders. After that, there really is no need for a condom, big or small.

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick…*tisk tisk*…silly boy, please note that he said NOTHING about providing popcorn and I’m not going anywhere to watch movies where the host isn’t willing to pony up with a hot steamy bag of Orville Redenbachers Movietime.

      I don’t care how BIG his condom is….

      1. Rick Avatar
        Rick

        That’s because you have good taste & style, though I go with the Kettle Korn, lil sweet & salty never hurts

  15. Cyrus Avatar
    Cyrus

    I actually like Titanic (97) myself for the same reason JcT described. That scene with the boat sinking is one of the best choreographed disasters in film, it literally took my breath away. You can’t help but imagine what the real people were going through. I always make fun of the ending however (Jackkk Jacckkkk).

    But anyways. What’s with so many dating ads (written by men or bots pretending to be men) and their obsession with saying they like Titanic. Is it supposed to prove they are sensitive? Is it a way to get into her pants after the movie because he let her cry on his shoulder? I don’t think I’ll ever know. Especially since my fiancee can’t stand that movie.

    1. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      That whistle should have won an Oscar!

    2. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      I’d guess that they want an excuse to spend 3 hours and 17 minutes in a darkened room with whomever answered the ad. If it’s a real person. Bots probably just pick well-known, award-winning films.

  16. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    Titanics *and* Godfathers! Oh my! I’m…I’m…overcome.

  17. HorribleLicensePlates Avatar
    HorribleLicensePlates

    Big condom and godfathers? Man, you really know how to sway the ladies.

    1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
      Igor the Vigorous

      Why thanks, random blogger piggybacking off of others’ success.

      1. isaac Avatar
        isaac

        Not random, Igor. Endorsed by drmk over in the sidebar.

        In your quest to combat trolls, be careful not to become a troll yourself.

        1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          It’s one of my pet peeves, Isaac, not calling it an act of trollery. Just makes me shake my head wondering if one of those delicious links in the sidebar isn’t enough for ’em. 😛

      2. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        Call off the dogs, Igor. We like the HLP people!

        1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          Dogth?
          NOT THE DOGTH! They always try to tear at Igor’th thitchy handth!
          -Just your run-of-the-mill subject change from an ADD kid here, folks-

  18. ??? Avatar
    ???

    I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks)

    Hardier than whom? Godfathers? Hopefully hardier than Titanics…

  19. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    OKs well I likes the facts that he puts randoms plurals ons words that really don’ts deserves it. Reminds mes of the fats mechanics guy off of Futuramas. He coulds go for ultimates annoyings by usings apostrophes badly toos but that’s would make’s my brain’s hurt’s (see?).

    1. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      I would give that post 100 points if I could. FUTURAMA FTW! 😀

    2. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      Maybe he IS in a metal band – he talks like the guys from Dethklok!

  20. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    hi all. i’m home from the land where they wont let me read this blog. and proud to say – i have never seen any of the godfathers, and esp NOT titanic. hey the boat sails. hits an iceberg. sinks. the people die.
    they needed a biga$$ movie for that?
    as far as mr big condom… um, that just gives me the creeps.

    1. emsies Avatar
      emsies

      can’t you pretty much apply that to ANY movie? (not specifically the ice-berging and dying.)

      Any Romantic Comedy: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Hijinks ensue. Boy and girl live happily ever after.

      Any Horror Movie: Sex. Lots of people die. Hero and heroine survive and live happily ever after until sequel.

      and so on. It’s not like Titanic didn’t have something for everyone: cheesy romance, cool sets and special effects, and Leo dies. Yay!

  21. Keelhaulrose Avatar
    Keelhaulrose

    “Titanics” is what happens when Disney gets a hold of the Titanic story. The happy whales save the boat from the mean old iceberg (voiced by Christopher Lee), the Titanic meets the Queen Mary, and they have little baby Titanics that get into all sorts of iceberg-dodging adventures in their straight-to-DVD movies…

    1. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      I kinda wanna see this now, if only to hear what Christopher Lee’s dialogue would be.

    2. tigprincess Avatar
      tigprincess

      Given what Disney does to A. A. Milne characters, Keelhaulrose, count me out on that one! ..and I’ve never seen Titanic or any of the Godfathers. Could this be a band name? Titanic and the Godfathers? combination of Demis Roussos and Status Quo?
      The post itsel is just too icky for words – and you’ve all said more than my brain could manufacture.

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        Wasn’t there already a band called The Godfathers? I seem to recall singing along to their “Birth, School, Work, Death” in high school (back when I knew about only half of those things, and wasn’t even done with school).
        Maybe it’s a double bill with them and some band called Titanic.

  22. emsies Avatar
    emsies

    sneakybot!

    titanics = CHICKFLICKS2
    Godfathers = MOVIESTHATSHOULDBEDESTROYED3

    ??

  23. chagnasty Avatar
    chagnasty

    Doesn’t everyone see he’s just a movie buff? IMDB lists 9 different “Titanic”s aside from the 1997 one. Like I mentioned I live in China, home of the most legitimate DVDs known to man. I own the entire “Titanics” collection, and am watching it now, and am also wishing there were more sharks in the North Atlantic…

    1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
      Igor the Vigorous

      Do you have any websites without big, shiny, Chinese letters that have The Scorpion King streaming? 😛
      (Kind of serious- I looked and couldn’t find it anywhere that didn’t require money.)

  24. Brer Fox Avatar
    Brer Fox

    I think it is funny that the Titanic was supposed to be unsinkable. Then on it’s first voyage out, it was taken down by a head of lettuce.

  25. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Dave, I think you enjoyed the day in the box. I think I owe you this: Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Bruce!

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