You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 351: But it’s Canadian money, so it’s worth $2.50.

    3 thousnad dollars For Help – 35

    Hello!
    I’m ready to pay any woman willing to help me having my permanent residence,
    If you’r looking for more please tell me email me and leave me a phone number to joing you.

    351

    Andrea sends in this listing from Montreal, saying, “I mean, seriously, if your future depends on trying to break immigration laws by paying a woman to marry you so you can stay in the country, you’d think you could at least take the time to 1) spell check your ad, 2) make said ad understandable, and 3) find a photo of yourself where you don’t look like an asshat wannabe gangsta with mental problems.”

    You also might want to spend a little less time photoshopping bling into your picture.

  • YSaC, Vol. 344: We represent …

    Attractive Couple Looking for Acrobactial Midget – mw4w – 25

    Smart, young sucessful couple is looking for a attractive, short female who is under 4 feet tall.
    We enjoy being active and like to do things out doors. Boating, BBQing, camping, and anything fun.
    Must be athletic or at least willing to do atheletic things like gymnastics and poses.
    This will not be a sexual relationship, unless it leads to that in future.
    No major health problems, 420 friendly is a plus. Must like dogs and mexican hats

    Please respond with pictures to get pictures!
    Hope to hear from your shortness soon!

    My brain can’t parse the word “acrobactial”. I keep seeing antibacterial. “The Antibacterial Midgets” would be a terrible name for a band, though.

    I think this came out of a conversation in which the couple sat down and said, “Are our friends diverse enough? Let’s see, we’ve got Mike — he’s gay AND African-American, so that covers two. Mindy is half-Asian — does that count? We’ll have to look for more Asian friends. Rafael is Hispanic, Sandeep is from India, and Björn is from Sweden. You know what we’re missing? A midget. Let’s put an ad on Craigslist looking for a midget friend/sex partner. Then we’ll officially be diverse and hip.”

    I mean, let’s be honest here: who doesn’t need an athletic, weed-friendly, mexican-hat wearing midget in their lives? I know I do.

  • YSaC, Vol. 341: Have you tried AFF? They suck too.

    Flying solo is not as much fun – w4w – 21

    Well, this’ll be my last post over here … I’m going to head to clerotic.org if it doesn’t work out.

    I am a 26 year old, single female looking for a friendship that might develop into something more. I am an elementary school teacher and I love children and hope to have some of my own one day. I am looking for a good man with good, Christian morals who would like to have a family and live happily ever after when he meets the right woman. Maybe we are right for each other. We will never know if we don’t take a chance.

    1. Are you 21, or 26?
    2. Headline says w4w, text says you’re looking for a man.
    3. A good Christian man with good morals.
    4. And if you can’t find him, you’re going to try posting on clerotic.org — the “Craigslist Alternative for Erotic Services”.

    That sounds like a great plan. I’m sure you’ll find a good Christian man with good morals with THIS ad … and if not, I’m sure clerotic.org will work out, since there’s only 482 ads in the section for your area, 480 of which are w4m. (The other 2 are m4m.)

    Do you think this might possibly — just maybe? — be a fake ad? (On CRAIGSLIST? Say it ain’t so!) I’m guessing it’s meant to drive traffic to clerotic.org … because, you know, that’s where all the good, moral, Christian elementary school teachers are hanging out these days.

    C’mon, guys. At least make it plausible. “I’m a hot, horny slut and if I can’t find anyone here I’m going to clerotic.org.” THAT’S plausible. (Well, as plausible as believing that a nubile hot young thing would be posting on Craigslist in order to hook up with someone, anyway.) “I’m a good Christian 2nd grade teacher and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to browse clerotic.org from the computer in the school library?” Not so much.

    Sigh. Do I need a tag for spambots, too?

    Thanks to Kiersten for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 340: I think I’m turning … Part 2.

    This was posted in the personals section of the Osaka Craigslist:

    Hi – 28

    Im a single guy looking for a japanese women whos single and willing to relocate. I work full time for [name] hight school its good pay but great benifits. Im also an auto painter by trade so i like to stay buesy. I got a little shop ware i do my paint work when needed or when i want alittle extra cash. But the school is my maine job and is a state job and will get a pesion when i retier and i do invest into a 403k. Im doing ok for my age. that my work life.

    I enjoy movies and walks and going out for a bite to eat. I love all music as long as i can understand what thare trying say. I realy enjoy the import car seen i love imports so i need an import wife in my life lol (^V^) that will top me off i think. At this moment i share a home with my mother her and my father are going threw a brake up or devorces if u like. So im liveing with her to help her on some of her payments untile shes clear of them. I do drink but im not an every dayer and i smok i stoped for six months and just started agin. What was i thinking? I also enjoy sports indy car raceing and amrican foot ball and hockey. I played hockey all most my hole life.
    Im only going to reply to pic with photos and no site links. Im looking for some one real. If you know some english thats a pluse but i do not juge people my thare lingo.

    Other than that i to meet someone from japyland.

    Please write some stuff about your self so i know your real and seroues to.

    If you are a japanese women who is (are?) willing to relocate to a relatively small town in upstate NY to be with someone who works for a high school, you might want answers to the following questions:

    1. What is his “maine” job at the high school? And what is a 403k? I’ve heard of 401(k)s, and 403(b)s, but this appears to be some combination of the two.
    2. Import car = import wife. Nice. Do you expect to be able to trade her in after she’s got a few thousand miles on her?

    I really hope he’s not a teacher. He doesn’t “juge people my thare lingo.” Too bad I do.

    And … really? japyland? If he’s lucky, maybe she can teach him the Asian language.

    Thanks to Ems for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 339: Science!

    Pretty girl, Wheres her nice guy

    well im a big beautiful lack women. i attend school at BCC studing science. I work part-time to pay for school. i just moved here about a week ago and im currently living with my aunt. i love to go out and have fun when i have the time. im a really kool person to meet and get along with. Imm looking for someone who knows how to treat a real women wit respect and kindness and is willing to be able to give me what i need. He must have a job and some education. Im looking for a real women not a boy.

    Vanessa sends this one in, saying, “Is this poster supposed to be a big, beautiful black woman? Is the person in the picture supposed to be be black? Is this person looking for women or a man? I’m confused. Is this some new Craigslist scam that I don’t know about? Surely it can’t be a bot – they make more sense than this. On the other hand, I hope it is a bot, because then that means there isn’t someone out there who actually wrote this. Maybe someone can translate this one for me.”

    I’ll try: The poster is currently attending school and working part-time nearby, which is why she just moved there a week ago, because she studs science. She is a big beautiful black women, which explains why she is white in the picture — she’s multiple women! All of her is looking for someone who can treat multiple women (like all of her) with respect — they want a man who is a real women, not a boy.

    Does that help?

    No? I didn’t think so. Science is doomed.

  • YSaC, Vol. 337: The Dead Milkmen did it better.

    Punk looking for Punk Girl – 33

    Im still living at Home, and dont have a Car, so I will understand if no girl wants to answer me back,
    but Im a very nice guy, not to nice, and loves Animals, Im realy into 80’s Hardcore Punk and Punk Rock,
    not todays Bands, Im also a Musician, I like going out to Dinners to eat, renting Movies love Horror,
    um I dont know wha else to say, I love my 2 Cats more then Life, and hate People who abuse Animals,
    anyway if your interested in talking more and are not black, then contact me, and no my hair isnt long
    anymore I have a Skater hair cut.

    338

    Wow! I like going out to dinners to eat too! What are the odds? Most people I know like to go out to dinners to bowl.

    I’m also a big Fan of capitalizing random Nouns and of writing what looks like the Word “SUICIDE” at the Top of old Pictures of Myself.

    But causing that needle-going-off-the-record sound by saying things like “… if your interested in talking more and are not black …”? Yeah, um, I’m not such a big fan of that. (Or of Skater hair cuts.)

    Way to break in that “still single?” tag, there, buddy.