You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 474: Pam and Tommy ain’t got nothin’ on this one.

Written by

drmk

in

To the person who donated the camcorder to the thrift store.

It came with a few tapes and one of the tapes is a homemade sex tape. I am wondering if you want it back. the person in the video’s also has a video of a classic musle car in the garage. and videos at the beach. a video showing everything in the house even themself in a mirror and the wife. video of the kids. I didn’t watch the full sex tape but i could see the wife laying with nothing on touching herself and I hit stop. you are lucky someone nice got this. I know some people would put the video online.

Implied subtext: That’s a really nice sex tape you’ve got there. I’d hate for anything to happen to that sex tape of yours. Sure, some people would put that sex video online. But I never would. Unless you offer me money not to. That’s just how nice I am.

The moral of today’s story: don’t donate videos to the thrift store! And if you do … well, don’t.

Thanks for this listing, Rebecca!

Comments

89 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 474: Pam and Tommy ain’t got nothin’ on this one.”

  1. Meredith Avatar
    Meredith

    “I didn’t watch the full sex tape”

    Let’s be honest: who does??? I mean seriously, if you watch a tape like that, and it “get’s the job done” so to speak, do you then sit there and watch to see if the plot get’s resolved? Do Thor and Tiffany Ta Ta’s defy their parent’s wishes and run off together? Does Dr. McLawsuit find happiness with
    Nurse
    Innapropriate-Attire-For-A-Work-Enviroment??? Who the hell cares???

    What he’s saying is: “I didn’t watch the full sex tape. Just enough”.

    1. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      At least he was nice enough not to include his scathing critique on the tape. I mean with his homemade collection, I’m sure their little tape has plenty of competition.

      1. D !? DM Avatar
        D !? DM

        “She seems very conscious, even lucid, and yet her hands and feet are not bound. In my experience, this is not a realistic portrayal of sex at all.”

    2. DervishHeart Avatar
      DervishHeart

      ‘He’?
      Am I the only one who read the ad and heard a bemused, bespectacled, greyhaired, knitted-sweater-with-kitten-appliqués-wearing lady who works 3 hours a week at the thrift store on the corner?

      Well, it’s funnier that way anyway.

  2. Meredith Avatar
    Meredith

    Oh, and I’m BAAAAAAAAAACK.

  3. Mary Ann Avatar
    Mary Ann

    Sadly, I had to question my ethical code. Would I have posted it on youtube? hmmm…

  4. Cled Avatar
    Cled

    Llama Nun- Web Boss: Implied subtext: That’s a really nice sex tape you’ve got there. I’d hate for anything to happen to that sex tape of yours.

    And… oh, yes! I almost forgot. I have seen all the valuables in your home, your “classic musle car” *, your wife (snicker-snicker), your kids at the beach, and I know what you look like. Feeling nice and safe now? Hmmm? All comfy? Good thing I’m a nice person, hmmm?

    If you ever feel like a chat…

    ~~~~~
    *whatever that may be when it’s at home

    1. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      I suddenly can’t help but remember the movie “One Hour Photo” with Robin Williams. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to cower under my desk for a few hours.

      1. Addicted Reader Avatar
        Addicted Reader

        I’m thinking of _The Red Dragon_ by Thomas Harris – the _Silence of the Lambs_ prequel. Scary.

      2. Jami_no_e Avatar
        Jami_no_e

        Me too! God that movie is creepy (but one of my faves). That’s why I always develop my own film and never throw anything away “personal” away.

    2. Just Me Avatar
      Just Me

      That’s exactly what I thought. This sounds less like blackmail and more like a threat of a more violent nature. Kind of too creepy to be funny, at least imo.

  5. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    “I’m wondering if you want it back.” Did you mean to let this tape fall into the hands of a possibly not nice person? Do you want it to show up on YouTube but not be the one who posted it? Please answer this CL ad, so I can get some answers, and by the way, do you and your wife do threesomes with nice persons?

    1. Fraulein N Avatar
      Fraulein N

      Oh no! I meant for you to have it, nice person! Well, you or any random thrift store patron. I am nothing if not a humanitarian. Also, feel free to break in and steal my “musle” car any time. I made sure to get a shot of my full address. Thanks, nice person!

  6. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    oh … um … ah …
    what was that contact info?

  7. Sherri Avatar
    Sherri

    You know, a REALLY nice person would have just, you know, destroyed the tape and never, ever, ever said anything about it to anyone…

    Feh, this thing is already on the internet and set to music.

    Meredith? As a matter of fact, I HAVE watched a porn movie all the way to the end to see how the plot went. The SEX parts were awful and boring, so we fast forwarded through those, but the plot parts were pretty damn funny (a pastiche of almost every SF movie made in the last 30 years). In fact, they could have cut out 2/3 of the sex scenes and shortened up most of the rest, and it would have made a great movie. (Movie was Space Nuts from Wicked Video, and it was at one time the worst porn and the funniest low budget movie I’ve seen).

    1. antoinette jeanine Avatar
      antoinette jeanine

      Deep Throat: worst porn ever, but a HILARIOUS movie. But the sex scenes will murder your libido faster than watching a baby penguin receive open-heart surgery.

    2. Meredith Avatar
      Meredith

      I did watch the Pirates porn all the way through, I must admit. It was the most expensive porn to date, so I was wondering what the quality was. Then it was just so funny I couldn’t stop.

      Funny thing is, my ex wanted to watch porn, but only up until the girls were half dressed and flirty. When the down and dirty started, he wanted no part of it. Guess I should be happy my man didn’t want to watch closeups of some other guys and girls junk. AND he would fast forward to the “story” parts. He’s an adorably strange egg.

      1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
        Igor the Vigorous

        High five for us guys not wanting to stare at genitals for an unstated length of time!
        Gooo boobies and half-dressed wimmenz!

    3. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      Space Nuts is an award winner! I got a copy, but before I could watch it, my external drive crashed… I’ll have to send it away to try to recover the files…

      But anyway, if you get a chance to see Space Nuts, do! It looks great!

  8. Fraulein N Avatar
    Fraulein N

    I … I need a bath.

    1. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      Don’t forget to gargle the toilet duck.

  9. tigprincess Avatar
    tigprincess

    ..and what makes you think the person who donated the camcorder reads CraigsList anyway? There again they left a sex tape in the camcorder so they obviously read CraigsList.

    As for the poster would it have been too hard to throw the tape away? (Thinks: that may need rephrasing!)

    Is there a ‘creepy’ category this could go in?

    1. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      “Honey, what did we ever do with our *ahem* fun tape?”

      “I don’t know, did you check the shoe box in the closet. You know the one marked ‘doilies’?”

      “Yeah, all our other ones are there, but number 58 is missing.”

      “Ok, I’ll check Craigslist, maybe it showed up there.”

      “Jeeze, that’ll be the third time this month.”

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        What a koinky-dink!

        I have a shoebox marked “doilies”!

        But then again, doesn’t EVERYBODY?

        1. Tony Paul Avatar
          Tony Paul

          Yup, but mine has doilies in it.

        2. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          Is doilies code for “wet socks” or “porno stash” or “doilies”?

  10. tacomagic Avatar
    tacomagic

    So the question becomes:

    How do I get a job at a thrift store where they donate camcorders? It’s an altruistic desire. Really. I’m “someone nice” and can be trusted with all your most private tapes and I’ll do the right thing; I’m not creepy at all.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      As your handle, tacomagic, clearly implies. 8)

    2. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      Haha, I just found shopgoodwill.com! It’s an auction site for all the “good” stuff they get at various Goodwill stores around the nation!

      (Actually, I will be shopping on it for musical instruments to donate to a middle school that is trying to rebuild their band program! $20 trombones are awesome!)

  11. Mimi Avatar
    Mimi

    As I read this I couldn’t help remembering the “after the shower” tape Clark made of Ellen in National Lampoon’s European Vacation. bwahahaha

    1. JcT Avatar
      JcT

      Yes, but the folks on this video probably looked more like Mr. and Mrs. Danny DeVito than Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo…

  12. Rick Avatar
    Rick

    …Well I just thought that they might want their tape back….now if you all will excuse me I’ll be in my bunk

    1. tacomagic Avatar
      tacomagic

      By the way… can I have my tape back?

      1. Rick Avatar
        Rick

        You sure you want it back now?

        1. tacomagic Avatar
          tacomagic

          Yeah, I can just wash it off.

    2. MsDolfinn Avatar
      MsDolfinn

      LMAO! Thanks Rick! Now I have a vision of Jayne “working” at a thrift store.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Ditto! Best line out of a bunch of winners.

  13. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Now if you were really a nice person the CL ad would have said “To the person who donated the camcorder to the thrift store – You also donated a few tapes and at least one seems to be of a private nature. Please contact me if you would like it back or would prefer it destroyed.”

    1. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      But…but…if it said just that……

    2. Panthera Avatar
      Panthera

      But, there’s so many people donating camcorders to thrift stores. He’d have a crowd of freaked out guys that want to either see a part of the sex video, or maybe the house tape.

      Always best to explain it properly so the guy knows for sure it’s his. *nods*

  14. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    “I can see everything about your life in this tape … want it back? I’m a nice person.”
    Eeeeeeccchhhh. A nice person WOULD, in fact, destroy the tape. There are some misplaced things it’s right to try and return (wallets, keys, children). This one has so much mutual embarrassment attached that it’s just better not to try.

    The B-side to this that my brain is running is the bit in “Trainspotting” where the sex tape is taken by the friend and replaced with soccer highlights or whatever. The guy and his girlfriend break up over the missing tape, the guy is so depressed he starts using heroin, he’s nodding out too much to take care of his cat, and he dies of toxoplasmosis as a result.
    So, in this scenario: Don’t bother putting this ad up, “nice person.” The guy whose tape it is is already in a box (possibly one of the slightly-used caskets from the other day) and you’ll never get your ransom, I mean, reward money that you’re hoping for.

    1. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      I just love Aesop’s fables with happy endings…

      Moral of the story: don’t donate recordable electronics to thrift stores while on heroin and don’t nod out by the litter box.

    2. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
      Igor the Vigorous

      “There are some misplaced things it’s right to try and return (wallets, keys, children). ”
      Lola, the last statement is questionable.
      I mean morally, I’ve got NO compass, so…

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        @Igor: So you’ll return wallets and keys, but the children can fend for themselves, is that what you’re saying?

        1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          Exactly, Lola. 😉

    3. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Children, Lola? Oh, now you tell me. Wait until my 17 year old son hears I need to return him.

      1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
        Igor the Vigorous

        Now this lady’s got the right idea, folks!

  15. SoundsLikeVla Avatar
    SoundsLikeVla

    If someone does contact him for the tapes, does he then follow them home to get their address and steal their stuff? I want to believe this is an honestly nice person, but why then so much detail?

    1. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      Good point! How will he know the person who contacts him is actually the donor of the tapes? The person who donated the tapes is not necessarily one of the people who appears in the video… he could have been secretly filming his neighbors or something.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        He has to drive up in the muscle car. Hur hur hur.

  16. Procrastinator Avatar
    Procrastinator

    This is Exhibit 1,234,856 for “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.”

    So there some shmuck is, donating his camcorder to charity and feeling good about himself, and next thing you know–bang, he is paying someone to get his videos back.

    Does anyone else wonder how he will explain this to his wife?

    On a side note, why do people have this obsession to put their sexual activities on film?

  17. Coco Avatar
    Coco

    I’ve been lurking here for a few weeks now, and this is the post that I simply had to de-lurk for. Yes, the magical couch and the cherrleders looking for a couach made me giggle uncontrollably, but this? This is disturbing and hilarious on an entirely new level.

    “No, really, I’m a nice pervert. I mean person. Hey, it’s not like I watched the whole tape. As far as you know.”

    *laughs hysterically* *weeps for humanity at same time*

    *re-lurks*

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      No! Stick around! We like you.

      1. Procrastinator Avatar
        Procrastinator

        You’ve never said that to me! And I have given you the best posts of my posting life! What does she offer to you that I don’t?

        1. drmk Avatar
          drmk

          An avatar.

        2. kelli Avatar
          kelli

          stupid question – how does one get an avatar?

        3. drmk Avatar
          drmk

          Go to gravatar.com — it’s associated with your email address. Create an avatar for the email address you use to post here.

        4. kelli Avatar
          kelli

          Thanks, I feel slightly less stupid now

        5. drmk Avatar
          drmk

          No problem — it’s not immediately obvious. (Although I do mention it in the forums. I suppose I could update the FAQ page to include this bit of trivia.)

    2. ToBScholarly Avatar
      ToBScholarly

      DO you know much effort, skill and coordination it takes to laugh hysterically AND weep for humanity at the same time?

      A lot. You should be very proud of yourself. And post more often.

      1. Coco Avatar
        Coco

        Wow! Thanks for the warm welcome, you guys. I love the comments here as much as I love the posts. You all make me laugh daily, without the added weeping.

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          With any luck, we’ll be able to make you laugh until you cry, whilst simultaneously weeping for humanity. Now that’s a pretty rare talent, too.

        2. isaac Avatar
          isaac

          You’ll really know you’re in the in-crowd when you can cry tears of laughter and tears of despair for humanity at the same time, while posting a comment. Welcome aboard. Do not let Igor frighten you (or call dibs on you).

        3. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          DIBS!

          And hello, marthter… Have you theen any invithible, tiny bugth lately?

        4. Coco Avatar
          Coco

          I see tiny bug people.

          Everywherth.

        5. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
          Igor the Vigorous

          Well than can poor, thervile Igor rub the greenith gel on you?
          How far thould he rub?

    3. SwissKat Avatar
      SwissKat

      We, the lurkers, mourn the loss of one of the best of our kind. Uhmmm … oops!

      (Yay, the Gravatar thing works!)

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        Yay! Welcome to you, too!

      2. tacomagic Avatar
        tacomagic

        Yeah, I’ve been around for a few months now and I had never figured out the Gravatar thing until today.

        Yay random off-topic trivia!

    4. procrastinator Avatar
      procrastinator

      There! Satisfied?

  18. Ed Snyder Avatar
    Ed Snyder

    In Soviet Russia, sex tape donates you to thrift store.

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      In Soviet Russia, you watch nice person‘s wife masturbating on home video!

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      In Soviet Russia, KGB runs Blockbuster! You get what they think you should get.

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        Isn’t that also Blockbuster in the free world? I mean, they edit stuff and if you go there you get the Bb-only, Bb-approved copy. Boo.

        1. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          Funny…I thought that was Wal-Mart.

  19. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    Next week on You Suck At Craigslist:

    “4 Sale: Homemade Sex Tape. Not mine. Plus, some car footage!”

  20. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    Honeeeee, what did we do with that, uh, movie we made last year?
    yah.

  21. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    LOOK – it was bad enough I had to get back in touch with this guy to get my tapes back…….now I have to suffer the double shame of being laughed at on here? Thanks guys – thanks a lot…………last time I donate anything to a thrift store……….

    1. Mrphysic Avatar
      Mrphysic

      And for the record – it’s not a “classic” car – it’s a “vintage” car.

      1. Jinx Avatar
        Jinx

        Meaning it’s a 1974 Vega?

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          ’72 Gremlin, that’s my guess.

  22. JcT Avatar
    JcT

    Now I know the picture they can put in the dictionary beside the word “dumb”.

    The dumb camcorder donator.

    Oh, it is SO much more than the donation. Yes, not bothering to check for a tape in the recorder before donating it is really dumb. I would never take the chance of losing one of the tapes of my kids, even if I can’t watch them any more because they make me want to cry. Yes, really dumb to lose a homemade tape.

    BUT! They donated “a few tapes” with the camcorder and didn’t even take 5 minutes to see what was on them? And they didn’t label them? “Kids at the pool” – “My sweet muscle car” – “Honey touches the spot” – ahem, I mean, even a little ‘x’ or something scratched on the “special” one? It is people like these folks who DESERVE to end up on the Internet. Dumb dumb DUMB!

    1. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      I’m kinda wondering if someone is an exhibitionist and actually gave away the homemade sex tape on purpose. Because, yeah, to do it accidentally is just TOO stupid for belief.

      1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
        Igor the Vigorous

        That’s just what I assumed.

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      Perhaps someone else decided to donate the camcorder without our wanna-be director Adam Glasser’s knowledge. Imagine his surprise when he made the discovery. “You did WHAT, ma?”

      BTW, I’m still kicking myself for not checking and removing a DVD of Happy Feet [NO, this is NOT fetish porn so get your mind out of the gutter!] from my washed up DVD player before disposing of it. But somehow I’ve determined this is not quite the same thing even though I, to this day, cannot look at penguins without shedding a tear *sniffle*.

      However, I still sometimes find myself waiting for a possible ransom Craigslist ad similar to this one to get it back:

      “…you are lucky someone nice got this. I know some people would put the video online. Start toe-tappin’ some money my way NOW or you’ll never see Mumble again..”

  23. French N Stuff Avatar
    French N Stuff

    I can just see the guy reading the craigslist ad now.

    “Oh that must be me he is talking about. I donated my camcorder and I also had a tape of my classic musle car in the garage, a video of the beach, a video I made for my insurance company showing everything in my house, and a family video with the wife and kids.

    Nope… nevermind can’t be my camcorder they are talking about, I didn’t tape my wife laying with nothing on touching herself.”

  24. Shark Blank Avatar
    Shark Blank

    This made me think of Michal Palin in a sequined bow-tie. “Just send us the money and your family never finds out the name of your lover in Bolton.”

  25. cy Avatar
    cy

    I can’t believe noone thought of an alternative explanation – I think he is just trying to hype up a “home video” he has acquired/made so that he can sell it on CL as a “genuine” tape.

  26. Floor Lamp Avatar
    Floor Lamp

    european vacations are very exciting sepcially if you got to visit many places at once .`.

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