You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. LXI

Written by

drmk

in

watermelon (dt)

Refrigerated watermelon up for grabs! A friend brought it over last week and i didn’t have the heart to tell him i dont like watermelon. I know I know, you may ask… But how can you not love watermelon??? … Well let me tell you … Not EVERYONE loves gosh darn stupid watermelon! Sorry , i have some watermelon issues. It is brand new, never tasted never man handled. It feels heavy.

Make an offer kids.

So it’s Saturday night and there’s nothing on TV so you go to the fridge and then it hits you. There’s a freaking watermelon in there. It’s been there since last week, but it’s only just hit you. (Maybe you were on a happy adventure.)

But wait–you don’t like watermelon. In fact, you have “watermelon issues.”

So you weigh the various options for getting rid of the watermelon, like leaving it on a neighbour’s doorstep with a sign that it’s a present from the watermelon fairy or donating it to a food bank or taking it to the grocery store and saying that green doesn’t match your decor so you’d like your money back. Then you hit upon a brilliant idea — you’ll put a notice on Craigslist.

You’ll lure people to your ad under “Free stuff”, but you’ll still ask them to make you an offer for your watermelon because not only do you have watermelon issues, you have Getting-the-concept-of-free-stuff issues. And you’ll post your location as “DT”, which presumably means downtown and not alcohol withdrawal symptoms, because people who live downtown are only too happy to walk 12 blocks to your apartment to get watermelon that’s going on two weeks old. And the most crucial thing doesn’t occur to you: if not EVERYONE loves gosh darn stupid watermelon, how many people are going to be looking for one on Craigslist?

Submitted by Laurel — thanks!

Comments

49 responses to “YSaC, Vol. LXI”

  1. Sosij Avatar
    Sosij

    “Watermelon Issues” would be a great name for a band.

    1. Marta Avatar
      Marta

      Their hit single: “Gosh Darn Stupid Watermelon”

      1. Justin Avatar
        Justin

        I am still laughing at this.

    2. LurkRealClose Avatar
      LurkRealClose

      Watermelon issues is the name of IF’s Blind Melon tribute band.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Okay, it was worth the move for that. 8) *whistles innocently while pointing at the Golden Lotus Box*

        1. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          WOOT! More punching for me for not being able to spell! That’s awesome!

  2. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    …I find it strangely disconcerting that he feels the need to assure us that the watermelon has not been “man handled.” Exactly what does the seller think watermelons are for?

    1. LurkRealClose Avatar
      LurkRealClose

      And has it been handled by a woman?

      1. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        Or a Thai lady-boy?

  3. isaac Avatar
    isaac

    Also, although it’s listed in “free stuff,” he’s asking people to “make an offer [of] kids.”

    I don’t care how heavy the melon is, it’s not worth your firstborn.

    1. emsies Avatar
      emsies

      What if it is heavy because it is full of MAGIC?

    2. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Aw, Vintage Isaac!

      1. christina Avatar
        christina

        *sniff*
        And his shell is still minty fresh!

  4. LurkRealClose Avatar
    LurkRealClose

    Hey look! Drmk (BBUH) edited the link so it now goes to the watermelon post.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Yeah. I must have had a bad internet day when I set that one up. I had considered using the other post, but I didn’t like that first, offensive comment. (Don’t know why I didn’t just delete it, but whatever.) But I ended up using the wrong link in the post.

      I’m going offline now so that nothing else horrible happens.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Have a great rest of the day, with emphasis on rest! May all your bee longings be fulfilled.

        1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
          Irregular Fractal

          Precisely what are we filling her belongings with now?

        2. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Uhm, honey? Wax? More bees?

        3. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Alfalfa?

        4. Astrognash Avatar
          Astrognash

          I vote salted peanuts.

    2. Mindfield Avatar
      Mindfield

      For a few moments there I thought I was seeing things. Then I thought maybe there were two redux posts, but I couldn’t find the other one. So I just imagined that this was a post about someone with poor spelling wanting someone to ple fix his watermelon and settled for that.

  5. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    Crap. I had a good thing going with the AVP thread, too. Oh, well. Watermelons… Watermelons… Yet another euphemism for sweater hams?
    Oh, and don’t forget Winnebagos.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      So, just carry on here. No one will notice. And why does my love bird hate the backspace key so much? He bites me whenever I reach for it.

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        (s)he’s teaching you to spell it right the first time through negative feedback whenever you try and use it — so you’ll learn not to have to use it.

        Or perhaps there’s a bit of seed stuck between the keys.

    2. christina Avatar
      christina

      Smedly, being that for a large portion of my adult life I had the misfortune of carrying around sweater cantaloupes, the idea of sweater watermelons scares me. In fact, I think I’m developing scoliosis just thinking about it.

    3. EclecticBlue Avatar
      EclecticBlue

      Ok, now I’m really curious as to where the link used to lead…

      1. CoffDrop Avatar
        CoffDrop

        EB – promise you will tell no one I gave you this Secret Link…..

        1. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          <.<

          >.>

          <.<

          Shhhhh!!!

        2. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Hi EB! Hey, is that a link in your pocket?

        3. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          Nope, I’m just happy to see you! 😉

  6. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    This post fills me with meloncholy.

    1. Smedley Avatar
      Smedley

      It is heart rinding, now that you mention it.

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        It’s kind of sweet though, how he admits to having “watermelon issues”, how he strenuously avoids even mildest expletives as if not wanting to plant the seeds of vulgarity. Maybe this would be a better world if more pepo were like Sparky. Except for the watermelon issues, I mean. I love watermelon.

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          It is kind of juicy, bet he lives in the seedy part of Location.

        2. CapnMac Avatar
          CapnMac

          I like mine with seasoned salt–the spilce combines with the salt to bring out the sweetness.

          One of the better uses for that white-elephant juicer is to juice up leftover watermelon which makes a terrible kamikaze, it really does.

          Which I had some juiced melon right now . . .

          Shoot, milk of human kindness and company would suit, too.

        3. HamCan Avatar
          HamCan

          It is kind of juicy, bet he lives in the seedy part of Location

          I bet he also went to Carnegie Melon University.

    2. Camille Avatar
      Camille

      Come to me, my watermeloncholy baby,
      Cuddle up and don’t be… green.

  7. CoffDrop Avatar
    CoffDrop

    Watermelon Man

    Have a great weekend y’all……….

  8. EclecticBlue Avatar
    EclecticBlue

    My personal opinion is that the Buddha’s Hand thingy looks more like an homage to Cthulhu….

  9. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Okay, I edited AC’s offensive comment. I need feedback on it. 8) EB has the link.

    1. CoffDrop Avatar
      CoffDrop

      Perhaps eliminate all reference to child and syndrome and substitute a favorite nasty such as a cup of Flem (Hi TM). Just my opinion, I could be wrong…….

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Thanks for the idea, Coffy. It should be much better now. 8)

        1. Moira Avatar
          Moira

          Due to the responses to the original comment, I would also note in the comment that it has been edited due to the original commenter being a poopy-head and actually managing to offend us all.

  10. Astrognash Avatar
    Astrognash

    As I promised Thursday, here’s our Lord of the Flies project.

    I played Piggy, Ninja Pig, “The Beast” (Pig on a Stick) and Miscellaneous Henchperson #2.

    Part One

    I’ll post part two in a comment on this so I don’t face… THE QUEUE OF MODERATION with the Llama-Nun spending the day at rest.

    1. Astrognash Avatar
      Astrognash

      Part Two

      That’s Part Two. Keep in mind that this was edited by my friend Alex on short notice and that it’s four kids doing an English project on a budget of $0.

  11. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    I just want to say I love you guys so much! And the large margarita I had with lunch has not influenced me in any way. I just love you! I wish the screen would hold still. Ow. I am going to nap zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    1. Moira Avatar
      Moira

      I want more alcohol tonight. I don’t often drink but I have the desire tonight to raise a few in memory of Emperor Norton. He rather rocked.

      I spent most of the day traipsing about San Francisco with a number of other steampunk-attired folks spreading good cheer and wooden nickels.

  12. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Totally Off Topic, but I love you guys and reading the post(s) today really cheered me up after a crappy day (due to both the tragedy and having 7 people call in sick to work today).

  13. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    LRC, your poncho won’t save you! Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, and God Bless, Tucson.

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