You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 204: Well, that’s all right then.

Written by

drmk

in

do u need hair extension ? i need a foot massage, pedicure. and fren – $1500

Hi my name is rene I do hair extensions for model, strippers,porno stars, etc. The best virgin hair w the best techniques. I need u to do my pedicure. Foot massage, frenchtip. These job have to be done at my home. If you do not have the skills to do it , do not try to practice on me, but if you have a talking bird it would be acceptable.

Of course it would. Talking birds make everything better. Not even remotely qualified to perform surgery? Get a talking bird, and you’ll be doing appendectomies in an hour. No idea how to repair cars? You need yourself a talking bird! Incapable of shooting from the three-point line? Talking bird.

Too bad I only have Tahiti Sam … I’ll never get to practice my mad pedicure skillz.

Submitted by Lauren — thanks!

Comments

36 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 204: Well, that’s all right then.”

  1. jill Avatar
    jill

    French tip pedicure? That’s how we know this is a classy chick!

    [*gag*]

  2. cmc Avatar
    cmc

    Wow, aren’t hair extensions exponentially more expensive than a mani/pedi? This is definitey a savvy businesswoman.

  3. cmc Avatar
    cmc

    *definitely

  4. TastyPrawn Avatar
    TastyPrawn

    For some reason, I just imagined this Rene getting a “practice pedi” by a drag queen porn star with a talking bird on “her” shoulder.

    Yeah. Perhaps I have problems if that’s the first image that popped into my mind after reading this.

  5. Kristen Avatar
    Kristen

    Jill: you mean the fact that she does extensions for models, strippers, and porno stars (and is proud of it) didn’t already tip you off about how classy she is? How good does a porno star’s hair have to be anyway? Who watches a porno and says ‘I just love her extensions, I wonder who did them’?

    As for the talking bird, maybe that’s code? Please notice the talking bird doesn’t make it great, only acceptable.

  6. Monica Hamburg Avatar
    Monica Hamburg

    “Sally, that ad you’re posting just isn’t surreal enough…”

    “Do you think I should add a talking birdie?”

    “Now you’re thinking…”

  7. Courtney Avatar
    Courtney

    I, too, thought the talking bird might be a euphemism so I hit the urban dictionary and it doesn’t appear to be. This woman really just likes parrots.

  8. carrie. Avatar
    carrie.

    For some reason, the thought of a “porno star” with “virgin” hair really amuses the hell out of me….

    Maybe the talking bird could offer commentary and helpful tips.

  9. Amaia Avatar
    Amaia

    She? I assumed Rene was a man. And a creepy one at that. The requests for a “model, strippers,porno stars, etc.” and the fact that they “have to be done at my home” worries me. (Somehow the talking bird makes me feel a little better.) Oh, and if there’s a barter here, who gets the $1500?

  10. Shawn Bryan Avatar
    Shawn Bryan

    SQWUAAAK! Watch the corns! SQWUAAAK!

  11. Martha Avatar
    Martha

    LOL Shawn Bryan, that reminds me of Richard Jenkins in Say It Isn’t So.

  12. kate Avatar
    kate

    This one made me laugh/cry so bad I have to take a break.

    *stumbles into kitchen to get paper towel to wipe tears off desk*

    So, does having the bird make it acceptable to practice on her?
    Or is it just acceptable in general if you have one?

  13. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Before anyone asks, no, I did not post this ad. Yes, talking birds make life more acceptable. But I don’t do hair extensions on model, strippers, porno stars, etc. Any more.

    1. kelli Avatar
      kelli

      So who posted it for you?

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        One of the talking birds, no doubt. 8)

        1. Spaceman.Spiff Avatar
          Spaceman.Spiff

          Was it, perhaps, an angry bird?

  14. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    I’d like stripper hair; it would be the perfect thing for meeting with big clients to discuss their patent portfolios. I don’t have a talking bird, but my cat can say, “Pay attention to me (for some reason made clear through context), dammit!” and “Get into the kitchen and give me some canned food, dammit!”

  15. SisterLyle Avatar
    SisterLyle

    RAWK! Polly want stripper hair! RAWK!

  16. CoffDrop Avatar
    CoffDrop

    Virgin hair on porno stars reminded me of the town I grew up in. It was so small the town hooker was a virgin……..

  17. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    Darn, all I have is a singing bass.

    1. CoffDrop Avatar
      CoffDrop

      Does your Bass sing bass? My Choir fish, Salmon the soprano, Anchovy the alto, and Tuna the tenor are in need of a bass, and your Bass would be a perfect fit. That is, if the Bass sings bass. If interested, drop us a line (no pun intended).

      1. Smedley Avatar
        Smedley

        “Momma sang bass, Daddy sang tenor,
        And all the talking birds just joined right in there…”

      2. D = DM Avatar
        D = DM

        It’s nice to see your fish having fun outside of school.

  18. Lara Avatar
    Lara

    Is Rene saying that a talking bird practicing on her would be acceptable? I knew parrots were intelligent but I never would have guessed they were good with nail polish. Polly want porno hair?

  19. madbrnnr Avatar
    madbrnnr

    I have a talking bird, talking cat (as noted above through context) and, incredibly, a talking fish.

    Do you think I could get all those things and maybe more? Possibly a bonus for the fish?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      mad, I think you would win by a hair!

      1. madbrnnr Avatar
        madbrnnr

        Oh, goody, ’cause the hair I have is certainly thinning and could use some major construction work. Meanwhile, my cat can do the mani/pedi. She’s good at chewing things into appropriate sizes/shapes/nutritious hairballs. Meahwhile my fish can croak the greatest hits of the 80s for everyone’s enjoyment.

      2. Spaceman.Spiff Avatar
        Spaceman.Spiff

        Wait, Mad’ has a bird, cat, and a fish, and you’re giving them a bunneh?

        [listens a bit]

        Oh, never mind . . .

  20. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Don’t everyone look at once, and don’t stare too long, but there are lurkers in the box today. Okay that’s enough! Don’t want to scare them away.

    I notice they both used the word Wow in their comments. I am sure they meant What the Fuck, but didn’t know if we would appreciate that sentiment. So Cindy B. and TC, I want to assure you we are very high-brow here in the Snark Lounge, and would never even fucking think of using such a poor descriptive word.

    1. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      Awww, and here I packed for two nights…

    2. CoffDrop Avatar
      CoffDrop

      Windy – That was sofa king wrong! I think Lola left the flask over in that corner……….

  21. ratwoman Avatar
    ratwoman

    See, I read the ‘fren’ the title as if she was saying she needed a friend, and I was briefly consumed by pity for this lonely individual who just wanted some company and maybe a girls’ night in doing each other’s hair and pedicures.

    Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

    1. D = DM Avatar
      D = DM

      I thought that, too, but she is pretty demanding if she only wants a friend with experience in a particular line of work, or otherwise a friend who has a talking bird.

      Maybe she’s got a diverse group of friends already (pipe welder with a ferret, fry cook with a Rottweiler, etc.) and is just looking to complete her set.

  22. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    I can sing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore backwards, looking to trade for somebody who can complete all my mixed up Rubik’s cubes in trade. Otherwise if you have a bashful donkey who croons “Bye Bye Baby” I’d take that instead.

    1. Lou Stool Avatar
      Lou Stool

      *psssst, Taco* (just peel all the stickers off and stick them all back on one-colour-to-a-side)

  23. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Cindy B and TC, here are you brandy new YSaC punch cards. Now, hold them up in front of you faces. That’s it. Punchity Punch Punch! 8) Sorry this is late, but wanted to be sure the punches were good ones.

    Good Morning, Rio!

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