You Suck at Craigslist

Category: barter

  • YSaC, Vol. 1738: And you’re to blame.

    Promise ring 1/4 ct tw Size 5.5 Trade for hand gun!!! – $275

    Very unique Promise ring for sale $275 reasonable offers accepted! Cash only! Paid over $400 comes with lifetime warranty from Helzbergs! I have proof of perchase! Practically brand new! Will trade for hand gun 9mm, .40 cal. , or .45

    Trading a promise ring for a handgun, you say?

    Thanks for the post, Amy!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1737: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

    CARPET REFURBISH FOR CARICATURE ARTIST SERVICE – $500




    My carpet is rippling. Need a skilled carpeter
    to smooth out my wall-carpet for Caricature Party
    Specialist.

    I will perform my service for carpet repair.

    If you or your loved one needs a
    party entertainment idea? Consider me
    to entertain your guests at the next
    luau or local party. Been doing this for over
    30 years.

    You know who was awesome? Abraham Lincoln.
    You know who else was awesome? Batman.
    So what could be more awesome than Bat-Lincoln! Just shine the signal of a stovepipe hat on the sky, and Bat-Lincoln will swoop in and, er, I don’t know – free the slaves or something. But awesome!

    Thanks for the post, Lisa!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1656: Which witch is winch?

    2011 jeep grand Cherokee 4wd – $9000

    I have a 4wd Jeep Cherokee. Its is dully loaded and has a which attached to front ranch hand bumper and grill gaurd. It is on a 4 in suspension lift and a 6 inch body lift has 35 mud grip tires(1200) witch has only been on it for two months. The truck only has 48,000 miles on it. i am looking to trade it but I looking for certain things only. I don’t need it but its paid for so O don’t have to sell it. Now here is what I am looking for. A lady( preferable married to how wants the jeep) she mist be 18 to 50 and fit. I give you the jeep and you leave your wife with me for a week. When you come pick her up she have the signed title to the jeep. So if interested send me several photo of the wife and I get right back to you. The photo need to be nude after all she will be for a week.

    Hi all! It’s drmk here. You may have noticed that Dan’s been writing most of the posts recently. That’s because I’ve been … er, away. I’m back now, though.

    Hey, do you like our new Jeep?

    Thanks, Chance!

  • YSaC, Vol. 396: That would be a strange CSA share.

    Giant inflatable banana

    I am willing to trade my enormous yellow inflatable banana for something interesting and curious. This banana is as large as a child or small adult and weighs as much as a big balloon or many small balloons. There are two black handles at one end, which make like calm, friendly eyes for the banana if you are looking for a banana companion. There are two green, smaller inflatable compartments to either side of the main banana. You can think of these as leaves or even more imaginatively as young bananas yet to ripen. Interesting trades ONLY. This banana is priceless so I will accept no prices offered. Call (my number backwards is xxxx-xxx-xxx) or email.

    401

    Let’s see, what do I have lying around that I could trade for a giant inflatable banana? How about a stuffed raccoon? A dolphin/swan lamp/fountain? A cardboard cutout of Bea Arthur? A stuffed Spiderman?

    Wait, I’ve got it!

    highly suggestive carrot

    This one of a kind, sexually charged vegetable can be yours today! What would I need an extremely phallic carrot for, you ask? Party favor, gag gift, collectible, whatever! Best offer gets this totally unique item. Email me with your best offer!
    396

    Who could resist the allure of a anthropomorphically sexualized root vegetable in trade for an inflatable tropical fruit? (I’m pretty sure that sentence has never been uttered before in the history of the English language.)

    Thanks to Nicole for the inflatable banana, and to Steve for the pornographic carrot. (“The Pornographic Carrots” would be a great name for a band, wouldn’t it?)

  • YSaC, Vol. 332: … in the octopus’s garden, on her leg …

    realscumbag rontatooman – $160

    im writing about aman ron who lives at 172lampman ave he took my money and left my tatoo undone on my back right leg my son had a tatoo don saturday he had to go to the hospital because he got a bad staph infection from it the docter had to put him on antibotic pill and a antibotic cream all so this man is a real scumbag and areal asshole to take advantage of a woman who lives on a fixed income if some one could call me at xxx xxx xxxx an make arrangemts to com tomy houseand finish it forme iwould liketo get acall all i have is theout lineof the octoupuss head and the tresserchest and astar fish inthe front he was goingto make it look like it was a underwater ocean seen i have the dolphin onthe in side of the rightleg and on theouterside there is a seen with asunset water palmtrees and ocean water and two dolphins one jumping over the other one i just need the octoupuss finished and all the tentekils puton colored with megenta and pink colors and the treasurechestdon and the scubadiver putonn so maby someone will call me but i would not recomend no to go to 172lampman ave and have eney work don by ron

    Ow. My brain hurts. Octoupuss? Tentekils? What is with the random lack of spaces between some words [theouterside], extra spaces within things that should be words [all so], and random spaces WITHIN words [theout lineof]?

    How many right legs does she have? Doesn’t saying you have a back right leg sort of imply that there’s a front right leg as well?

    And here’s a thought: Call me crazy, but maybe if you’re on a fixed income, you and your son shouldn’t be getting elaborate tattoos?

    [Edited to add: with spizzlefish’s prompting in the comments below, I realized that “rontatooman” anagrams to “or an ottoman“. Yes, I’m easily amused, why do you ask?]

    DW, thanks for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 305: The heartwarming story of a woman, her kayak, and central air.

    Martha is a regular and long-time contributor to YSaC (she has her own tag!), and she sent in this account of her real-life adventures on Craigslist:

    So I’m actually trying to barter my ridiculously expensive kayak for central air.  Here’s the ad I found…

    BARTER ****You need a CENTRAL A/C or FURNACE ? (Rosemount , Farmington, Hampton)

    ********BARTER HVAC SKILLS for cash **********Or ?

    Heating , Venting , Air Conditioning

    Central Air —- 13 seer 2 ton Central Air Unit $775.00

    A-Coils as low as $195.00

    Furnaces — 80% 70,000 Btu $578.00 FREE DELIVERY , FREE DISPOSAL with install Ready to ——– ” GET ER DONE ” ——- CALL xxx-xxx-8082

    So I email the guy, and here’s the ensuing email trail:

    Hi,

    I have this ad out on Craigslist (http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/bar/xxxxxxxxxx.html) and am interested in bartering for C/A installed on my (small) home.  All ductwork is in place, all that would be needed is a slab and unit.

    Please let me know if you are interested, it seems like it would be a fair trade.

    Thanks,
    Martha

    — On Mon, 4/27/09, CentralAirAsshat@juno.com  wrote:
    From: CentralAirAsshat@juno.com
    Subject: Central Air Our Reply ! !
    To: xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
    Date: Monday, April 27, 2009, 4:15 PM

    Barter my CENTRAL AIR SKILLS for CASH.
    Really have no need for a KAYAK.
    When you sell your KAYAK then email.
    Your Phone Number and City you live in.
    So we can get your CENTRAL AIR installed.
    Looking forward to serving you.

    Thanks

    From: “Martha F”
    To: “CentralAirAsshat@juno.com”

    You do know that BARTERING means for goods, not cash, right?  You should really remove your ad from the barter section, since you are really just advertising your services for CASH ONLY (which is selling).

    http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/barter

    Looking forward to not doing business with you.

    Martha says, “I really had to hold myself back from calling him a moron.  And I never heard back from him, but this jackhole is still posting the same ads.  Apparently he didn’t check the dictionary link.”

    Thanks, Martha! I hope you get your kayak bartered AND your central air installed.