You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 369: I’ll just sleep on the floor. Thanks anyway.

Written by

drmk

in

BED BUGS ARE BACK!…everything needs to be gone in 2 weeks!! – $1

I’m moving out of state in a few weeks due to hygienic difficulties…I need to sell everything!!!

couch $200
white bookcase $70
bedframe/mattress and side table $250 (not until last week of June)
oak bookshelf $15
wicker chair from Pier1 $60
EVERYTHING IS IN GREAT CONDITION!!

I will be having an garage sale through RSVP only- on Sunday June 14 all day!!!
books, clothes, desk w/ file, desk chair, misc kitchens and bathroom treasures!!
371a371b

371c371d

You’re moving.

Because of bedbugs.

And so you’re selling … your couch and your bed.

*scratches*

No thanks. I think I’ll try to find another bed on Craigslist. There must be other ads for beds on Craigslist, right?

Roll away bed 48″ new – $200

Used for a short time in my office after my wife kicked me out for consorting with escorts. Gentlemen the line ” it’s just sex” does not work. I suggest you not use it. What does work in this situation is tucking your manhood under and doing what she says. By using this technique I have wormed my way back into the house and onto the couch. With the loss of some weight and and some ” additional compensations” I hope to normalize relations with my wife. The bed can be picked up at my office in [location].

Um, no thanks. You’ve already admitted having a proclivity for escorts — I don’t think I want to buy the bed on which you have spent nights away from your wife.

Outside used futon, but its comfortable and not too dirty – $5

Used Futon for sale!!!!! Come take it off my hands im moving

371a2

Not too dirty is never a ringing endorsement. Nor is a picture in which you can easily see evidence of some sort of bodily fluid on the “not too dirty” mattress that has been used outdoors. Given that the number of bodily fluids possible is not limitless, and I don’t want to encounter ANY of them, I’m going to pass on this one as well.

If you need me, I’ll be in the guest room. Oh, never mind.

Thanks to Kristen for the bedbugs ad and to Danielle for the last two ads!

Comments

42 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 369: I’ll just sleep on the floor. Thanks anyway.”

  1. TastyPrawn Avatar
    TastyPrawn

    I like how the last one is pretty much saying “I’m too lazy to throw out this piece of trash. Come do it for me, and pay me $5. Thanks.”

    Actually (sadly) I have seen a lot of Craigslist ads that are like that… (And I just saw one the other day where someone was giving away a bag of dirty [unwashed] clothes because they didn’t have time to wash them. I’m all for free clothes, but that grossed me out.) People need to stop being lazy and throw away their own junk!

  2. Bridgete Avatar
    Bridgete

    “Hygenic difficulties?” Isn’t softening it with a euphemism in the body kind of pointless when that’s what you chose as your title?

    1. Monica Hamburg Avatar
      Monica Hamburg

      I am mystified by that as well. It’s like starting an ad with “Neighbors trying to get rid of me due to my lengthy record of sexual offenses” and then stating “moving, as my neighbors do not approve of my ‘lifestyle’ choices”.

    2. Heather Avatar
      Heather

      Never underestimate the stupidity of some Craigslist users, my friend! To those select few (many?), that euphemism probably adds some enticing, poetic element to the objects for sale, making them all the more desirable.

  3. PrincessLuceval Avatar
    PrincessLuceval

    I like how the picture of the bedbug couch looks like it’s just taken from a furniture ad. “Yeah, our couch looks just like this. Exactly, actually. Only with more bedbugs.”

    1. Violet Avatar
      Violet

      You’re so suspicious. The picture was clearly taken in the featureless white void he inhabits.

  4. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    I’m moving out of state in a few weeks due to hygienic difficulties…

    God, that happens to me all the time!

    1. flaco Avatar
      flaco

      Those must be some huge bedbugs.

    2. Monica Hamburg Avatar
      Monica Hamburg

      To Colleen: Me too – monthly.

    3. Alex Avatar
      Alex

      Next month, you’ll be “Colleen in NH.”

      I knew women had monthly hygiene issues, but didn’t know it required changing residency.

  5. Amy H. Avatar
    Amy H.

    Eeeek! I actually started scratching my arm reading that first ad. I think I need to go take a shower now….

  6. LadyUranus Avatar
    LadyUranus

    It’s actually illegal to sell a mattress you know has been contaminated. In many states you can’t sell mattresses at all due to bed bug issues.

    1. Heather Avatar
      Heather

      COPS: Craigslist Edition. So. Who’s going to be the one to call the popo?

  7. Cara Avatar
    Cara

    ‘Everything is in great condition’ (couldn’t commit to using caps sorry) except for the millions and billions of bed bugs infesting each and every square inch of your furniture. That you have to leave behind because of ‘hygenic difficulties’
    Further does elizabeth on the view ever shuttup about politics.

  8. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Cara, I think you’ve stumbled on a brilliant idea. Put the infested mattress in a room with a TV, loop Hasselbeck’s verbal smorgasbord of crazy, and listen for the tiny tiny screams of the bedbugs committing hari kari.

  9. jackie31337 Avatar
    jackie31337

    I have that couch and a larger version of that shelf, only without the bedbugs. They’re from Ikea (the furniture, not the bedbugs).

  10. Charlene Avatar
    Charlene

    I love the second ad, where he equates not being a cheating lying scumbag to emasculation.

  11. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    #1: No. Just no.
    #2: Ew; TMI, dude.
    #3: Lazy bastard.

  12. kristen55 Avatar
    kristen55

    I strongly feel mattresses are one of those thing you should NEVER buy used, but that’s just me.

    I do have a used couch, but I bought it from friends, it was like new, and it was a much nicer couch than I could normally afford, so I was comfortable with that.

    Buying anything I plan on having extended contact while sleeping on from CL – never!

    1. Maureen Avatar
      Maureen

      That eliminates the Personals category right there. Unless you want to get technical about “buying”.

  13. MissBeckett Avatar
    MissBeckett

    At least the second ad has very good grammar!

  14. bonni Avatar
    bonni

    The second ad forgot to say: “used for a VERY short time, like only 36 seconds. The next time it was 1 minute exactly, because my watch beeped. The next time was, well, it doesn’t really count because it was….well, anyway. The bed is practically new. Gotta go….wifey is here and I think she just found my other craigslist ad. ”

    The bedbug ad is too gross for comment, though. 🙁

  15. Amaia Avatar
    Amaia

    I really didn’t need to read these. I’m moving temporarily for a year for my dissertation research (without a grant–i.e. on short funds), left my house to rent furnished during that time, and was planning to buy two futons–one for the bedroom and one for the living room–off Craigslist, once I get where I’m going. Now just thinking about it makes me itchy and nauseous.

    1. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      When we moved for a semester and were short on funds, we bought a nice air mattress to sleep on. It was actually very comfortable, and pretty cheap. Plus we drove halfway across the country to get there, so it was easy to just deflate it and put it in the trunk.

    2. Texchanchan Avatar
      Texchanchan

      I wouldn’t buy a used futon unless I owned one of those giant steam boilers they used to delouse immigrants’ belongings at Ellis Island. A working one.

  16. casualencounters.com/blog/ Avatar
    casualencounters.com/blog/

    Saucy beyond all imagining.

  17. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    1. “I’m moving out of state in a few weeks due to hygienic difficulties” I wonder where is so disgusting that they had to leave the entire state. Vegas odds are on New Jersey 10:1

    2. Is this an ad or an attempt at free therapy? Thanks for getting that off your chest buddy.
    p.s. dude, you’re really sleezy. I bet your bed is less safe than the bedbugs bed.

  18. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    The second guy is quite the optimist, getting rid of the spare bed when he’s not yet welcome in his wife’s. Or maybe I’m just a pessimist for assuming his weight loss plan is to burn calories through energetic hooker-sex until he gets caught. Again.

    1. tonironke Avatar
      tonironke

      hahaha i think you’re right about “energetic hooker sex” as the primary method of weight loss

  19. Sadako Avatar
    Sadako

    I shuddered just reading this. UGH! Bed Bugs.

  20. Leslie Avatar
    Leslie

    What kind of hygenic difficulties could one have that are so serious they require you to vacate the entire STATE, yet still allow you to be lackadaisical about the timing of your move?

    In my mind, I’m imagining a scenario where she’s given herpes to several people and everyone knows about it.

    My mind is not a safe place.

    1. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
      cleaseltheweasel

      I’m guessing this person thinks a change of climate will help whatever gross medical condition s/he has.

  21. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
    cleaseltheweasel

    At the local Goodwill you can’t buy pillows or comforters (anything “tufted”) because someone, at some point, got mange. Nevermind that mange mites can’t live without a host for very long – them’s the rules.

    I assume this person’s talking about mange, because actual *bed bugs* – I thought that was something only medieval peasants got?

    And why are those white pieces of furniture floating in a white void? That’s an awful lot of photoshop work just to sell some crappy furniture. Those look just like the stuff I used to download for The Sims. If he had a rejuvenation chamber I’d be all over that.

    1. Canaduck Avatar
      Canaduck

      Nope, bed bugs are a growing problem in many cities–at least in North America. Gross, huh?

    2. Texchanchan Avatar
      Texchanchan

      Oh, no, it’s not just medieval. A friend of mine picked some up (in clothing? don’t know) at a motel and brought them home. It required fumigating everything and dry-cleaning and pest control companies and I don’t know what else. I don’t know where they stayed while it was all going on. A nightmare.

      1. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        *Beckons TexChanChan toward today’s post*

        1. drmk Avatar
          drmk

          It’s okay — this is the “A year ago today” post on Twitter and Facebook!

  22. Tangurena Avatar
    Tangurena

    I assume this person’s talking about mange, because actual *bed bugs* – I thought that was something only medieval peasants got?

    Nope. Bedbugs have made a huge comeback in the US. My apartment building got nailed with them last year. The itches were frustrating as I also was under the mistaken impression that they were a third-world ailment.

  23. Hiyame Avatar
    Hiyame

    Actually, my girlfriend did get a bed off of Craigslist. It was a total find too, as it was a bed that had never been used for sex. A guy was splitting up with his ex-wife, and got her a bed to hang out on for the week she was still in his house, though she was completely ignored the entire time. Then, he was so desperate to ger rid of it, we got it for free. Awesome…. But yeah, it was nice and clean and comfy. I suppose I was just really lucky though, because most of the free beds on CL are gross as all get out.

  24. Arianna Avatar
    Arianna

    Because she needs to cross the state line just to get away from all the harassment and late night phone calls! Darn those clingy ex-bedbugs.

  25. Maddie Avatar
    Maddie

    I can’t believe no one has mentioned the RSVP only garage sale planned by Ms. BedBug. Her bedbug ridden furniture is SO GREAT, you have to be invited AND reply in order to be considered for purchasing one of these great items.

  26. Arthritis Remedy : Avatar
    Arthritis Remedy :

    the desk chairs that our mom use are always leather based instead of using cloth covers.*.

Leave a Reply

More posts