You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. CXLI

Written by

drmk

in

Life changing experience (Your home)

I have had a very unique life so far and my personal insight and advice will give you clarity. Find out why you arent exactly where you want to be in life….get in touch with why your not happy. learn ways to know yourself better and participate in excercises that will guide you down the path to complete happiness in your life. Get in touch with what you actually want, how to get it, and why it matters! My diversified past is non-judgemental, yet logical in its honesty. I use to be drug addict…ive been to prison…I was a strait a student,,,ive studued human behavior, sociology, and psychology….noone has the answers but you will eventually get what you settle for with my help. 2 weeks I will live with you in your home and analize evey bit of your existence. After the 2 weeks is over, you will be ready with a to-do list of your life and be ready to accomplish everyhting you wanted but never sought out. I charge nothing for this service…but you must supply all traveling and living expenses for the 2 weeks.

Brenda sent in this posting, saying “I found this in the Creative Services section on my local Craigslist. I can’t think of anything I’d like better than to pay for an ex-drug addict felon to stay at my house and analyze my life.”

I’ve got to agree. If I wanted someone to live with me in my home and “analize” every bit of my existence, and provide me with a to-do list of my life, I would have let my mother stay longer after her Thanksgiving visit. (Except the non-judgmental part wouldn’t have applied to her. That woman can judge you in her sleep.)

And what kind of a sales pitch is, “You will eventually get what you settle for with my help”? What is that supposed to mean? “With my help, you will achieve the mediocrity you’ve been sort of wishing you could attain”?

Comments

56 responses to “YSaC, Vol. CXLI”

  1. Allison Avatar
    Allison

    “strait a student”, eh?

  2. Olson Avatar
    Olson

    No, no!!!
    a “strait a student,,,”
    HUGE difference…lol

  3. Olson Avatar
    Olson

    I think, basically, this note just screams “I’m a homeless guy with access to the public library computer. I could go get a job, but it would be SO much more convenient to just live off of you, IF you have such low self-esteem that you would answer this listing.”
    I’m pretty sure my brother would do this sort of thing.
    I’m also curious just how many people responded to this ad.

  4. Olson Avatar
    Olson

    “I will live with you in your home and analize evey bit of your existence…..you will be ready with a to-do list of your life” also must mean “I will steal so much of your stuff that you will have to completely start over in life.”

  5. Jenn Avatar
    Jenn

    Does “analize” sound dirty to anyone else?

    1. Badcoladog Avatar
      Badcoladog

      Thanks Jenn it does now.

  6. Christine Avatar
    Christine

    Agh…this sounds like something my Future Step father-in-law would post. Except he’s already taking advantage of my mother-in-law, so I don’t have to worry that he’s going around to other people’s houses enriching their lives as he has enriched ours!!!

  7. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    Yep Olson….I’m sure a thorough “analization” of the client’s financial records would definitely be in order.

  8. Martha Avatar
    Martha

    I think this is the most disturbing post yet. Where to begin???

    He ‘studued’?? I seriously doubt he’s studied a moment in his life, judging on this ad.

    Sadly, I’ve done the two week in-home trial. Oh yeah, and that guy tried to ‘analize’ me, right before he packed up all his crap (and some of mine) and moved out while I was at work.

    That boyfriend was just as stupid as this guy. Wonder if it’s him….

  9. Tanya (aka NetChick) Avatar
    Tanya (aka NetChick)

    Um. Wow.

    I think he’s still on drugs… or, got hit really hard with the stupid stick.

    I bet people answered the ad, too.

    Thanks for the chuckle!!

  10. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
    cleaseltheweasel

    Scientology. It’s gotta be Scientology.

  11. Moira Avatar
    Moira

    “I use to be drug addict…”
    It’s a little difficult to be a drug addict if you don’t use, actually. I find it refreshing that he admits that he uses in order to be the drug addict he wants to be.

  12. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    “ive been to prison,”
    “analize every part of your existence”.

    Translation: “I was the bitch, now it’s your turn.”

  13. LimeLolly Avatar
    LimeLolly

    I have this overwhelming urge to check the locks on my door.

  14. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    Dear sir,
    In response to your advertisement…

    FU!

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      KUNG –

  15. CoffDrop Avatar
    CoffDrop

    Prison? Analizing – do not want!

  16. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Why you need parrots in your life to make everything better. 2 weeks I will live with you in your home and analyze which parrot is right for you. After the 2 weeks is over, you will be ready with a to-do list and shopping list for a cage, food, toys, play stand, and treats. I charge nothing for this service…but you must get rid of any dogs or cats you thought you wanted as pets.

    1. SisterLyle Avatar
      SisterLyle

      The dogs are easy enough to get rid of but those manx are vicious. I may need animal control to help me with that one.

    2. SilvaNoir Avatar
      SilvaNoir

      Cats I can understand, but why dogs? My dog doesn’t pay any attention to birds unless they are ducks.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Ah, your dog is a rare one! Many other breeds are focused on birds. However, that’s not the reason they have to go. There can be only ONE pet! The Parrot demands all attention, all the time.

  17. Just Dave this time (the ferrets are on break) Avatar
    Just Dave this time (the ferrets are on break)

    You were a “strait a student,,,” where exactly? Obedience school?

    Are you the same Sparky who wanted a place to hide from his ex and hinted that it would be “koo” to have sex with his host? I guess that one didn’t work.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      I think this Sparky got his strait a from being analize in prison. Just saying. Gosh, you look so different without the ferrets.

    2. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      Well, given that a “strait” is a narrow, confined, body of water (geological opposite of an isthmus), and “straight” means aligned, or arrayed in a uniform line–uh, I got nothing.

      The luv-me-jacket is spelled “strait” as it is a constraining garment.

      I’ve seen the Fourth Estate us “Straights of Hormuz” which always causes me to wonder in which Omani bars the newsies have been frequenting . . .

      Perhaps, this is a manifestation of the Wu A-Book Sheng clan; and it is “gangsign” against those inimical ever-cursed B Book Wiu Sh’u Clan . . .

      Still got nothing–glad it’s hug your cat day.

  18. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Grampdaddy, back in the box, please. And leave the little pussy alone.

    1. Grampdaddy Avatar
      Grampdaddy

      But, but….. I love little pussy! Her coat is so warm! But when she’s been in the swimming pool…

      She’s wet.

      OK, I’m assuming I need to be in the corner of the box? You’ll be able to spot me – I’ll be enjoying a mixed drink, vodka mixed with vodka (why ruin a good thing).

    2. Grampdaddy Avatar
      Grampdaddy

      Windy – Owl see you later for my punch.

      *Whoooooo, that was hilarious! Well, maybe not, but the first graders would have loved it.

      Can you say “separation anxiety?” I can…

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Yeah, HIGHlarious. I think you’ve had enough of your mixed drink, especially if you are indeed going to be back later for the owl punch. Not really a cocktail. 8)

        Oh, you need to get a cockatoo if you miss first graders that much. You would notice the resemblance immediately.

        1. Grampdaddy Avatar
          Grampdaddy

          Cockatoos pick their noses and put partially chewed Starburst candy in your pocket? – Who’d a thunk it!

          I do miss them though. There’s just something magical about having one of the kiddos who is struggling through math or trying to write a sentence look up at you and say, “I need a hug – can I have a hug?”

          And the answer is always, “Yes, anytime.”

          I need a punch – can I have a punch, dear Ms. Windy?

          Peace and hugs….

  19. Bianchi Sound Avatar
    Bianchi Sound

    TO-DO LIST

    1) Get rid of deadbeat “guru” that I found on craigslist
    2) Sterilize everything
    3) Change locks
    4) Replace missing valuables
    5) Apologize to neighbors
    6) Re-sterilize everything

  20. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    why your not happy

    I already know why my not is happy. I use him often and he loves being used.

    1. Grampdaddy Avatar
      Grampdaddy

      Kelli, truer words were never blogged.

  21. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    This post penetrated my ego!

    Er…

    This post blew my mind!

    Er..

    It inserted a new feeling of well being!

    Uh…

    It pounded me into the man I am today!

    Crap.. Maybe the truth?

    This post sucks!

    *sigh* I’ll be in the corner.

    1. Grampdaddy Avatar
      Grampdaddy

      Extended your wisdom?

      Enhanced your drive?

      Engorged your TacoBox?

  22. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Or I could randomly invite any of the homeless guys who hang out downtown to live with me for two weeks and get the same results. Or I could just keep my stuff and my body unplundered. It’s a tough decision.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Think of the book you could write. Then again, you have an excellent imagination, you could write it without the pain and humiliation. But what fun would that be?

  23. David:) Avatar
    David:)

    I’m sure the right thing to do is ask an ex-drug addict who spent time in prison for advice on life. I mean, its not like there aren’t professional life-coaches out there…

    1. SilvaNoir Avatar
      SilvaNoir

      Well… he could tell you the kind of things to AVOID so you don’t end up like him

      Step 1: avoid him…

  24. Ziaheart Avatar
    Ziaheart

    “noone has the answers”

    Well, then. It’s 12:14 right now. I could just get the answers right now without inviting any strangers into my house. Or does it have to be 12:00 sharp? Then I can wait until tomorrow.

    … what do you mean, “noone” is not the archaic spelling of the word “noon”?

    1. Camille Avatar
      Camille

      Clearly a reference to Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits…

      1. Ziaheart Avatar
        Ziaheart

        Figures. It’s always hermits who have the answers. How am I going to get the answers, now? They’re so unsociable. I guess I have to invite Sparky to my house after all. Or I could just not have the answers. I’m sure the answers are not the only answers out there.

        1. Jen Avatar
          Jen

          Hermits? Or hermit crabs? Would explain the need to move houses constantly – Sparky grows large on the largesse of others, necessitating frequent relocations as he outgrows his previous surroundings. Though, if two weeks is all it takes for him to outgrow a people-sized dwelling, my Catmath* indicates that in 8-10 weeks, he’ll look like this!!!

          Run!!!

          *Catmath performed by throwing number magnets at the fridge and seeing what stuck. This is a Stockmarket-approved method.

  25. Flip Avatar
    Flip

    Just a thought on a lazy Caturday afternoon:

    In Soviet Russia tap drinks water: Кран, который пьет воду.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      *slurp!*

    2. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Birds love water!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OH2rgwo7kuU

  26. Lara Avatar
    Lara

    The sponsor I am getting is for a treatment center with a button at the bottom encouraging you to start the healing . I don’t think healing is what you would get if you contacted this Sparky.

    Huh. I’m a quilt square. I swear I put my e-mail in right. (It’s hip to be square)

    1. Lara Avatar
      Lara

      Now I am back to my purdy self.

      1. Grampdaddy Avatar
        Grampdaddy

        Squee!

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          I love little llama-durp,
          Her coat is so purdy!

  27. Grampdaddy Avatar
    Grampdaddy

    …you will eventually get what you settle for…

    OK, so eventually you’ll just give up and take whatever comes along. “You want fries with that?”

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      Well, this economy has been extremely tough for most people…

  28. madbrnnr Avatar
    madbrnnr

    When I first read this post two and a half years ago it meant nothing to me. Nothing I say.

    However, since relocating work environments to the local affiliate of Joy Killing Wankers, Inc., I now realize I work with this guy. Everything matches (yes, even the drug use and ex felon status) and his innate ability to drive me stark raving mad with his insistence that he does, indeed, have the answers because of his tough life (he doesn’t).

    Either way, I still don’t want him in my house. I have all the answers I need, minus the drug use and inability to spell or punctuate, plus lots of stuff I’d like to keep.

    *mad wanders off wrapping his quilt square around him for softness and warmth*

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      *gently removes dryer sheets from quilt and tucks a little battery operated warming device (BOWD) into the back*

  29. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Grampdaddy, since you asked so nicely, here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Coleman College!

  30. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    Utter randomness:

    A YSaC version of Perdition–to be named Permanent Second OBO in and endless string recital.

    Cowboy, change your ways, or with us you will figit, forever, in a tux, keeping your reed wet, forever, across an endless sky . . . and not even a Yippi-I-yay-yippi-Ai-Aiy, for company

  31. what do hermit crabs eat Avatar
    what do hermit crabs eat

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