You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 398: Preserving the sanctity of marriage!

    Lets get married tomorrow – 22

    I decided tomorrow I want to get married, So any takers. Im attractive, not a psycho…well not completly:)- have a job, car, my own place, im very independent…i love sex and my husband will have to be able to keep up with me…ive never wanted to get married…ever. But life is pretty boring right now and i feel like if i get married at least its something exciting. So ur probably wondering if im all these great things why dont I have a man…ha I get asked that everytime i go on a first date. I always dread that question, but truth is once i sleep with the man i lose interest…stupidly. But i figure if im married, that means A this person is as spontaneous as I am, B I cant just walk away…and C hopefully he will satisfy me.
    AND I dont want to get messages saying marriage is sacred I cant do this blah blah blah because to that i say bullshit. Anyone should be allowed to get married to who they choose and get married for whatever reasons they choose. I choose to marry a stranger because maybe that stranger is who im looking for.
    I will send a photo if I recieve a photo…Im looking for someone thats between 21-33, attractive…obviously 🙂 Has their own place, job, ect. Someone who has his shit together but crazy enough to marry a stranger…
    PS i dont cook!

    Mandy sends this one in, saying:

    “What a way to cure boredom… for a day.

    My favorite part about this is that she doesn’t ever go past a first date because she loses interest once she sleeps with the man… at least we know she puts out on the first date.

    Plus, if she gets bored with a guy after sleeping with him once, why not marry him, and be stuck being bored until they inevitably get divorced! That sounds like a fabulous idea!!

    “Life is pretty boring right now.” I imagine her sitting around, thinking to herself, I am so bored tonight. What should I do? Take a walk? See a movie? Have a picnic? Nah… Those don’t sound exciting at all. How about I propose to a stranger? Perfect, boredom resolved.

    So… ANY takers.”

    Yep, that about covers it. I’m sure she sees this as spontaneous and romantic, just like in the movies — and in the movies, things always work out! Sure, there will be a rough patch or two and some obstacles that they’ll have to overcome, but eventually there will be a montage and love will overcome all. I’m sure she’s not considering things like the other crazy people who post personal ads on Craigslist. (Yes, each one of those words is a different link.)

  • YSaC, Vol. 397: Childhood is priceless. Childcare, not so much.

    need a sitter for 11:00 – $20

    sitter fell through earlier and i have to be at work at 12. my friend will be off at 5 and will come get my son right after. my son plays well with other kids. everyone tells me he’s an angel. and if you dont have kids of your own dont bother calling . and if youre a weirdo, you should be scared. i’ll only trust another mother. if you could come get him that woiuld be great, but i’ll make my way to you if theres no other way. and my name is xxxx by the way. thanks xxx xxx xxxx

    1. You’re offering someone $20 to watch your kid from 11-5 pm. In other words, the price you’re putting on your angel-child’s well-being is $3.33/hr.
    2. Oh, that’s right, you’re also offering to let a stranger pick your child up and take him away with them.
    3. I didn’t realize that mother and weirdo were mutually exclusive categories.
    4. For extra bonus hilarity, you posted this at 9:30 am, and you think you have the ability to be picky.

    I didn’t think it would be possible to find a worse offer than that, but of course I did. This one was from kijiji.com:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 396: That would be a strange CSA share.

    Giant inflatable banana

    I am willing to trade my enormous yellow inflatable banana for something interesting and curious. This banana is as large as a child or small adult and weighs as much as a big balloon or many small balloons. There are two black handles at one end, which make like calm, friendly eyes for the banana if you are looking for a banana companion. There are two green, smaller inflatable compartments to either side of the main banana. You can think of these as leaves or even more imaginatively as young bananas yet to ripen. Interesting trades ONLY. This banana is priceless so I will accept no prices offered. Call (my number backwards is xxxx-xxx-xxx) or email.

    401

    Let’s see, what do I have lying around that I could trade for a giant inflatable banana? How about a stuffed raccoon? A dolphin/swan lamp/fountain? A cardboard cutout of Bea Arthur? A stuffed Spiderman?

    Wait, I’ve got it!

    highly suggestive carrot

    This one of a kind, sexually charged vegetable can be yours today! What would I need an extremely phallic carrot for, you ask? Party favor, gag gift, collectible, whatever! Best offer gets this totally unique item. Email me with your best offer!
    396

    Who could resist the allure of a anthropomorphically sexualized root vegetable in trade for an inflatable tropical fruit? (I’m pretty sure that sentence has never been uttered before in the history of the English language.)

    Thanks to Nicole for the inflatable banana, and to Steve for the pornographic carrot. (“The Pornographic Carrots” would be a great name for a band, wouldn’t it?)

  • YSaC, Vol. 395: Fun with midgets, part 2.

    Need Midget To Drink With

    Group of single male/females that party together on a regular basis are seeking a person of short stature (midget) to hang out with. Do not get us wrong…. This is purely for novelty purposes, but if you’re cool you can really be our friend. Total plus if you are an Asian Midget, with a drinking problem, who has no issues being referred to as Godzilla.

    P.S. We will buy all the beer.

    Translation: We’re asshats.

    Topless Poker Dealer

    Looking for one topless female poker dealer for a house cash game on Saturday July 18th, 2009. We are looking for someone who is hot, so if your old and washed up please don’t even bother applying for this gig. We want a hot, 21-32yr old female with a fabulous rack, nice features and a good sense of humor. Im not going to be rude and put a weight limit in this post but you know who are you, so don’t apply. If your not exactly sure how to deal poker its okay as long as your smoking hot with nice tits we can work around that part. It will pay $10 per hour plus tips and free drinks, shots, etc.

    If you are a Midget you will get front of the line consideration even if you don’t want to go topless.

    Please apply via email with a photo and contact info.

    -Brad P.

    Translation: We’re asshats too, but for additional reasons beyond our midget fascination.

    midgit for birthday party

    I am looking for a midgit for Wednesday night July 29th 2009 to appear at [place] in [location]. All drinks will be provided and a minimum of $50 in tips. A party attitude is a must! We are nice people and are just looking to have a good time with you!

    I’m still a little unclear on when having a token midget friend became the the holy grail of hipsterdom. Then again, I’m most definitely not a hipster.

    Thanks, Lindsay O., Tyler, and Josh, for more midget mania!

  • YSaC, Vol. 394: That would go under ‘Special Skills’.

    HELP Need HR Prof Consult to update resume = $75?

    Seeking a ‘quick’ consult with an experienced “Human- Resource- Group” professional.
    Concerns ‘possible’ risks of submitting resume when could ‘likely’(?) be vetted with a ‘significant’ blot in the public records.

    Let’s say, ‘hypothetically’, that I accidentally ‘killed’ a guy while I was in ‘prison’ for child ‘pornography’. Is that something I should mention in my cover letter, or do I wait for the interview?

    Thanks for the submission, Aubrey!

  • YSaC, Vol. 393: If by “washing” you mean “kill it with fire”, then yes.

    Mens suit (pants and jacket)

    This is a pin striped gray suit the jacket is a 40 L the pants are 33 x 33 Magic Stretch by Haggard. The good thing about it besides being free is it is machine washable. Its been hanging in a bag in the basement closet for at least 7 years now. sooooo… It could use a washing before you wear it.put xxxxxxx in search box to see all things for sale & free

    Oh and we are smokers
    393

    I’ve never, ever associated the phrases “good thing” and “machine washable suit” together before. I’ve also never, ever considered wearing clothing that has been in a smoker’s basement for seven years and that even they describe as “could use a washing”.

    This was sent in by Relentlessly Optimistic, who runs an amusing blog of his own.