You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 911: Honey, I nuked the baby.

Written by

drmk

in

Baby/Toddler toys

We have a 2 year old boy, and have amassed a pile of his toys to give away. Most are in good shape, some need new batteries.

We are on the westside of [location]. I also have cloth diapers to give away (separate posting)

203

Parent #1: Honey, where’s the baby?

Parent #2: In the other room, playing with his new toy.

Parent #1: That was a great find. Who knew that Playskool makes toys that teach toddlers about dielectric heating?

Parent #2: Playskool? I thought it said Kenmore on the door.

Parent #1: Hmm, must be some knockoff company. Well, I’m sure it will be fine. It is a baby toy, after all. The Craigslist post said so.

[from other room]: Beep. Beep. Beeeeeep. <<<ZAP>>> … sizzle

Parent #1: What happened to the lights?

Parent #2: What’s that burning smell?

Parent #1: Where’s Fluffy?

Okay, okay, that’s morbid. I was initially hoping this would be an instance of reflectoporn, but no such luck.

[edited by drmk: oops, I set this to publish in 2009, so it showed up way back in the archive. D’oh.]

Comments

216 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 911: Honey, I nuked the baby.”

  1. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    So uh… how was babby cooked?

    1. Mindfield Avatar
      Mindfield

      Well done.

      1. Limelolly Avatar
        Limelolly

        With gravy.

        1. Lara Avatar
          Lara

          I was thinking with asparagus.

        2. CapnMac Avatar
          CapnMac

          Ick. Leading the list of World’s Worst Condiments: babby gravy.

        3. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          But you must admit there’s a certain cyclical symmetry about roasted babby in a light diaper gravy.

        4. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          YSaC – Best. Diet. Ever…

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      I thought that was an Easy-Bake Babby Oven by Hasbro….

      1. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        Having “a bun in the oven” may not mean what we thought it means.

        1. Meej Avatar
          Meej

          They’re small ovens; one bun is about all I could fit in there.
          No way both cheeks are going in.

      2. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Easy-bake oven going to be hard-pressed to “cook” much with that 32W CFL lamp, too . . .

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          You might be surprised; a friend of mine bought someone a recipe book designed around the use of Easy-Bake Ovens. (Presumably, one makes only small portions and/or has plenty of time.)

        2. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          …or they have plenty of light bulbs with which to generate heat and bubbling apple pies.

        3. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          150watt works better. You have to mod away most of the plastic, but after that you’re violating a minimal number of fire hazard ordinances when using it.

        4. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          If only Steve-O were here to approve this theory.

        5. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Stick a halogen bulb in that bad boy, those things get super hot. I think that’s what they use to boil the water in those fancy Japanese vacuum coffeemakers but I’m too lazy to look it up.

        6. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Yeah, those super sized ones they use in stage lighting are scary up close. When I was working as a stage hand in High School the auditorium manager told me a story about how he lit one of his work gloves on fire because he thought he could quickly reach in front of a spot light to adjust the focusing cone. Glove lit up in like 10 seconds of exposure. He had to flop his body onto his hand to put it out before it burned him.

        7. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          I once got a sunburn (halogen-burn?) on the back of my neck changing a water pump on a truck at night in winter, working with one of those double light halogen worklights on a tripod behind me.

        8. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          watched an e[isode of spcyh with an easy bake oven. shawn fried the make a pineapple upside down cake and it was gooeeey

    3. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      The childhood term of endearment “cookie” has suddenly taken on a new and terrifying dimension.

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Quite. Babby cookie does not lead the mind to sylvan ideals. (Diapers in separate listing.)

  2. Lou Stool Avatar
    Lou Stool

    I need to go back and read how many times “Bees be upon him/her/them” were posted yesterday. Today’s ad is for a beekeeping starter kit.

    1. Innana Avatar
      Innana

      OFF TOPIC BUT…
      last time I listened to Car Talk a caller phoned in with the problem that when he used a sander on his truck, bees started swarming all round it (the truck). Remember that early post with the photo of a bee-enclosed pickup? Obviously it is fact-based and not a joke!
      Car Talk recommended turning off the sander.

      1. CoffDrop Avatar
        CoffDrop

        A sander? I had one of those on my old F150. Used it to spread sand on my driveway during winter. Never bothered by bees though………

  3. CJ Avatar
    CJ

    …and later, kids, we’ll show you how to field strip and clean an AK-47…right after “Chainsaw 101” class…

    1. TacoMagic Avatar
      TacoMagic

      Ah memories from my youth…

    2. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      This afternoon’s classes are “Making Napalm with Common Household Items” and “How to rig your/your sister’s Easy-Bake Oven to keep the neighborhood cats out of your sandbox.” *

      *Not advocating actual harm of cats, even ones that poop in sandboxes.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        As usual, the recess activity will be Your Personal Best on the hanging rings over the alligator pit. And our condolences to little Bethy’s family, she was close to breaking the all time record.

        1. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          Lunch today will be the usual K-rations to be eaten in the trenches while under enemy fire. Be quicker this time, the enemy doesn’t wait for you to finish your Salisbury steak before tossing those grenades.

        2. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          I see we all went to the same school!

          Anyone else remember Hand-to-Hand Combat Using Switchblades?

          Good times.

        3. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          My favorite class was The Art of Shiv-Carving. I still have the sharpened toothbrush I used on Legs McCrazieyes on the tetherball court behind the firing range.

          That baby netted me an easy A.

        4. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          I seem to recall that the remedial hand-to-stump switchblade combat class was popular, too.

        5. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          One of my all-time favorite classes was Baseball Bat Wielding. I especially liked the final…Spike Fugglewitz was my sparring lab partner. He had already been the Whack-A-Mole champion twice. We were assured an A.

        6. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          We had extremely updated fascilities at my school. Our Baseball Bat Wielding class even came with a semester where we used rail road spike upgrade kits to fashion our very own Nail Bats for the final.

          I failed the class on toilet wine brewing. Mine ended up tasting like Cabernet Sauvignon instead of paint remover. I tried three times and I just couldn’t get it right.

        7. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          I could teach CJ’s and Lola’s examples, and be Mindfield’s lunch monitor. The rest are more of an OJT thing. After all, toilet wine brewing is a very subjective field, what tastes good to me might not please your palette.

          And who says my nail bat is any better or worse than yours just because I used rusty spikes and you used new ones?

      2. Artsy Computer Geek Avatar
        Artsy Computer Geek

        Is Bombdude teaching these classes?

      3. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        <sigh>
        Y’all are joking, and the japery is quite good. But, there are aspects of my childhood which are being reflected factually.

        So, yes, I’m the guy who in not getting out of the DMV line just because you have a chicken and a crowbar. no, I’m the one who can discuss the finer points of lesser and greater crowbars.

        That, and Gospodin Kalishikov’s most-famous creation is a snap to field-strip; literally child’s play. Only challenge is one-handed (and the trickier bit is in the re-assembly.)

        That’s ok, I’m used to people edging away at this point in the conversation; suddenly remembering pending funerals, organ transplants, and the like.

        1. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          Professor Capn….sounds like you’re the most-qualified teacher at this school!

        2. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          I’m sorry, Capn, I just remembered I have a pending organ funeral.

        3. CapnMac Avatar
          CapnMac

          Nope, current hiring calculus is professor = phd; ergo, no phd = no job in teaching <sigh>

          Was inculcated in the old-fashioned way, as padwan with two generations of masters about to educate and guide (although sensei-sempai-kohai might be more apt).

          Also that hint of irony for having enough medical skills and training (and supplies) to correct/repair a range of damage equally well-known/well-experienced in application.

          It’s those little things, like being taught–in late single-digits age–how to monitor a lead solder pot and how to keep the ladles warm for paking the joints in cast-iron soil pipe. Or being the person with digits/limbs skinny enough (goodness, how long ago that had been) to get chain breaking tools around plumbing stacks, and usch similar skills of aproximate modern use as smilodon grooming <sigh>

          Just old and in the way (with all due apologies to the bluegrass band of the same name).

  4. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    Also: Second hand cloth diapers? Am I the only one who thinks that 2-3 year old, well used cloth diapers should not be given away?

    Oh I’m sure they’ve been washed, and the lucky recipient can easily wash the new acquisition themselves to assure they are “clean”; however, is the average parent really OK with wrapping their baby’s nether regions with a sarong of unknown origin? Or worse yet an origin tied up with an individual who thinks Orville EZ-Pop is edutainment?

    1. Mindfield Avatar
      Mindfield

      I suppose there must be some people who are okay with what amount to cloth-based TP. It grosses me the hell out though, I don’t care how much bleach you use to clean them. I even get a little squicky about buying used jeans because I have no way of knowing if the previous owner preferred going commando.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Used cloth diapers are really good as cleaning cloths, dusting cloths, and cleaning up after pets cloths. That should be it.

        1. Artsy Computer Geek Avatar
          Artsy Computer Geek

          I never minded using my kids old cloth diapers to clean with. They worked well. I kind of feel the same way MindField does about ones from other people.

        2. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Yeah, I’ve no problem using them as rags for around the house, they work better than just about anything short of hospital surgical towels.

          But the tone of the ad seems to suggest they’re looking for people who will be using this stuff on children. I would not, under any circumstances, consider using second hand or hand-me-down underwear; especially those of dubious origins. Diapers are like underwear that you KNOW somebody had an accident in, but the extent of their carrier is questionable.

          My philosophy with used items: If after 1 pass through the washingmachine I still don’t want to rub my face with an article of clothing, then it doesn’t get used as clothing anymore.

      2. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        I have a few I bought used at a garage sale but I use them as general cleaning cloths and handkerchiefs, not nether-bits cozies. I wouldn’t have a problem using them for their intended purpose if they were in better condition (they are practically falling apart now) and I had children who needed them; diaper services do it all the time.

        1. meredith Avatar
          meredith

          “Nether-bits cozies”<—–phrase of the day!

        2. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Also the band name of the day I think. With their hit single “Cupping Your Love.”

          P.S. Unfortunately I have had too much chemistry in my education. My knowlege of the extent of chemical bonding of liquids makes the idea of diaper services revulting.

          It has also bred a phobia of adhesives in me. If you want to see me freak out all you have to do is place a sticker on me or let tape touch my skin when I’m not prepared for it. *Squicks out just thinking about it*

        3. Limelolly Avatar
          Limelolly

          TM – do you have to have the tags cut off the neck of your shirts too?

        4. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Amazingly, tags don’t bug me.

        5. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          :Heads for Taco’s house with a book of stamps…:

          This should make for an afternoon full of fun…

        6. ArchedEyebrows Avatar
          ArchedEyebrows

          Tags on anything (clothing, towels, cords, pillows, what have you) bug the bejesus out of me. The Eyebrow household is a tagless household.

          *snip, snip*

        7. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          I hate tags. I rip tags off of every article of clothing I buy. I don’t even tag my MP3s. (Okay, that last part isn’t true.)

          I’m interested in hearing Taco’s explanation for his fear of adhesives though.

        8. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          PTSD from the Great Glue Stick Battle of Aught-Elebenty.

        9. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          He must have been fighting on the Elmer’s side. The Uhus were always the favourites to win.

        10. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Adhesives bond at a molecular level, so it will actually penetrate the top layer of skin and affix layers of your skin to the upper dead layers like a skin and glue sandwich. Once you’ve pulled the paper “host” of the adhesive off the residue will hang onto your skin collecting a hodgepodge of detritus, one celled organisms, and more dead skin until the lowest layer of skin it adheres to finally dies and flakes off. Scrubbing an area that held adhesive only pushes it deeper into the skin and mooshes more stuff into it.

          This is all after washing the visible goo off, of course.

          I’m normally pretty stout when it comes to gross stuff, but for some reason adhesives just strike me as revolting on the same level that chewing gum does.

        11. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          Ok, let’s have the chewing gum story…

        12. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          I would have to read that after spending most of the day applying self-adhesive labels to file folders.

          :puts boxes of labels in desk drawer, locks it:

        13. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Chewing gum is just gross in concept:

          Flavored rubber bits that you chew to extract squishes of cooled, flavored saliva from as a means to control oral fixation! Sign me up!

        14. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Well, when your oral fixation is to overeat lots of sweet things, sugar-free chewing gum can help hold the line. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Ew.

        15. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          I guess I can see where you’re coming from. That describes most of the food on the coffee truck that comes by my work twice a day. Actually, that describes the coffee, too.

        16. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          People can have all the chewing gum they want as long as it doesn’t make its way into my mouth… or touches me.

          Oh the other hand, once I’m master of the world sticking chewing gum to the underside of a piece of furniture will be an offense punishable by death. Death by chewing gum suffocation.

          Same goes for spitting it on the street.

          EDIT: And no, I’m not sure why I’m perfectly fine with the fact that anything you eat is mixed with saliva, some of which is extracted for taste when chewing. It seems somehow less gross that there is an intention to eat saliva sodden food rather than just chew it, swallow the flavored saliva, then spit out everything left over.

          And there’s no reason I should like suckers so much (I love um!): A hardened, flavored sugar sphere on a stick that you wash your saliva over to dissolve the outer layer for consumption. Yum. *Shrug*

        17. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          :unlocks drawer, drops in packet of Juicy Fruit, relocks drawer:

        18. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Living in NY I have discovered an odd phenomenon: many, many sidewalks and subway platforms are irregularly patterned with blackened chewing gum that was spat out and then trodden on. What I realized was that one basically never sees fresh chewed gum on the ground … unless it’s on the bottom of your new shoe and has attracted even more disgusting matter and you don’t discover this until you get home and take them off.

        19. Ly Avatar
          Ly

          I read “Nether-bit cozies” as “Nether-bit cookies” and had to do a double take.

      3. SpaceBug Avatar
        SpaceBug

        Nether-bits cozies

        Bare Naked Ladies cover band?

  5. Mindfield Avatar
    Mindfield

    Boy, they’ve really upgraded the EZ-Bake Oven since I was a kid.

    Of course, this may be the reason there isn’t really a clear shot of any of the toys: Most of them are either puddles of amorphous plastic, or cremains. Oh, and there’s probably one doll that’s only half burnt, with most its hair fused to its plastic head, face covered in burn marks and blackened with soot, eye sockets charred and deformed — but the eyes look perfectly, eerily preserved. And it sits there, one arm missing, holes burnt in its body, staring. Always staring. And when you turn your back you’ll swear you hear it cry out, “Mama.” But of course you’ll turn back to it and nothing has changed. For now.

    1. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      Crap, MF. You beat me to the Easy-Bake reference. Which, now that I think of it, sounds like a line from Cheech and Chong.

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        Chong: “Hey, man, what’s that?”
        Cheech: “Oh this? It’s an Easy-Bake Oven.”
        Chong: “Isn’t that for girls, man?”
        Cheech: “No, no, man, this one is for grown ups. See, you put the weed in here, then you close the door, turn it on, and put your mouth over the exhaust here and just inhale.”
        Chong: “Oh wow, man. Let me try…”

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Exactly.

        2. Moira Avatar
          Moira

          Cheech & Chong might be a good choice for EB’s movie watching today.

  6. sarajean80 Avatar
    sarajean80

    Not shown: the optional Giganto Ball O’ Fun Foil.

    That makes it a toy for all ages!

    1. LurkRealClose Avatar
      LurkRealClose

      Do not taunt Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil.

      1. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil is not to be played with. Do not show enjoyment of Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil in its presence. You should not laugh on, around, or near Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil.

        1. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil is serious business. To be used in times of great need only. Do not sit on Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil while in use. Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil may cause drowsiness, nausea, exsanguination and/or death. Do not use Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil while operating heavy machinery, operating light machinery, operating deus ex machinery, or operating. Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil is not your friend. Please do not try to offer Giganto Ball O’Fun Foil cookies.

        2. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          I always wanted the Bag-O-Glass that Danny Aykroyd touted on SNL.

        3. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          They have those. Go into any craft store and look in the section where they have the DIY mosaic stepping stones and you will find “Decorative Glass Pieces” – packages of broken glass.

    2. meredith Avatar
      meredith

      From BLAMMO!!!

  7. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Obviously, Mrs. Sparky sorted all the things they were going to put on CL. Mr. Sparky took the photos and uploaded them to the computer. Baby Sparky posted the ads.

    1. CoffDrop Avatar
      CoffDrop

      My thoughts exactly, Windy. That is most definitely a picture of a CD/DVD dryer.

    2. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      It somehow does not surprise me that Baby Sparky is a better writer than most of the adult Sparkies who post.

  8. Ly Avatar
    Ly

    I’d like to hope this is their attempt to be artistic. I’ll call it “Reflections of a Nuked Childhood.” It’s a contemporary piece that highlights the transition from childhood into adulthood by the use of toy reflections on a non-toy surface, and how becoming an adult overshadows the joy and innocence of childhood and why the hell is my bullshitometer going off… Must be defective.

    1. Moira Avatar
      Moira

      I liked the reflecto-advertising as a post-modern commentary on the disconnect between our wants and needs vs. the things that are expected of us. The bright colors that are muted and cast back at us by the dark, glossy surface are reminiscent of the experiences of childhood as seen through the imperfect lens of memory while the toys peeping shyly around the edges remind us that childhood joys may still be there to be recaptured.

      What bullshitometer? I destroyed mine in a microwave.

      1. Ly Avatar
        Ly

        Usually it’s a rather handy little device I use to detect the Bullshitocity of a room full of people. It’s been on the fritz since I got here, though. *smacks it a few times against her palm* Shoddy POS.

      2. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        I think the stark contrast of the bold black microwave with the stark white background iconifies the transition between the two worlds while the reflection of the toys signifies the insperability of the previous life from the next. The G floating up to the left above the microwave signifies man’s inhumanity to appliance.

    2. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      Ok, premise accepted, but where is the “Webb’s Wonder”
      cabbage head in all this?

  9. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    Sparky is selling his “carousel” microwave oven because the ponies kept exploding every time he turned it on.

    1. Camille Avatar
      Camille

      Exploding Ponies for band name of the day!

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        There was a band at home in the ’80s called the Exploding Fifis, from that urban legend about the old lady who put her poodle in the microwave to dry him off and supposedly nuked him instead.

      2. Camille Avatar
        Camille

        Tonight, at the 40 Watt, Exploding Ponies perform their hit single, “I’m a Little Hoarse.”

        1. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          I thought they were known for “Mine Hors in C Minor”….

        2. Limelolly Avatar
          Limelolly

          Followed up by, “Please Move My Tail From My Forehead”.

        3. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          Something tells me that the Robot Moose will be there in her be-tailed poncho, right in the front row!

        4. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          Exploding Ponies is one of my favorite bands! Everyone come on down to the 40 Watt, tonight. Drinks are on me! I might even buy you some.

        5. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Yay! Toilet pinot grigio and Tang for everyone!

  10. eclecticblue Avatar
    eclecticblue

    I took the pill 10 minutes ago. Stupid laptop isn’t seeing the interneters. My limbs feels little heavy/tingly but I don’t feel too weird yet.

    1. CJ Avatar
      CJ

      Total incoherence in 10…9….8…7…6….

      1. eclecticblue Avatar
        eclecticblue

        Only kinda. 45 minutes post-pill. Slightly drowsy/heavy limbed. Not feeling silly, but that’s because Mr is listening to public radio, and that makes me stabbity.

        1. Moira Avatar
          Moira

          Start in on the silly movies now!
          Stabbity is no mood to be in whilst on dental drugs.

        2. CapnMac Avatar
          CapnMac

          Especially lest one grab the dentist in that “Well, no one is going to hurt anyone here, are they?” sort of way.

    2. CoffDrop Avatar
      CoffDrop

      Good luck on your procedure EB………

    3. Irregular Fractal Avatar
      Irregular Fractal

      Did you take the blue pill or the red pill? The future of the internets hangs in the balance.

    4. eclecticblue Avatar
      eclecticblue

      Sorry for the sidelined entertainment… I never got silly/loopy/cranky at the dentist, and then ithe las thing I remember is the had to squeeze a wheelchair between some equpitment , I stumble/fell on it, and put my feet on the resters. NO CLUE what happened after that :-p I think I ate somepudding, and took a nap. And then took hydro and antibiotics, and took another nap. I’m feeling more alert now, I might watch a chick flick and eat some puddings 🙂

      1. EclecticBlue Avatar
        EclecticBlue

        except he movie is fo because /mr is oucking up Mini and i don’ have anything to engage my head so im soooooo tured. it hought the drug wass supposed to be out of my by now but they gamve e a total of4 pills, so i got super druggered. i thill have punctuation but my shift key is missing becuase it’s too complicated to push two buttns at the same time.

        1. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          Yes, darling, you were making perfect sense right about here.

  11. Dave and the ferret Avatar
    Dave and the ferret

    A microwave oven? Bah. In my day, you young whippersnappers, two-year-olds were expected to do all of their cooking over an open campfire. To get to the campsite, we had to walk five miles through the snow, even in August. It was entirely uphill both ways.

    1. Limelolly Avatar
      Limelolly

      And dinner was a cup of tree sap with roasted ferns. And we liked it!

      1. Moira Avatar
        Moira

        Roasted rocks are nicely crunchy.

        1. Ly Avatar
          Ly

          But we only got those if we finished our cedar bark and pine needle sammich.

        2. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          And every night when we got home our parents would kill us and dance on our graves. If you weren’t back among the living the next morning, you’d go without breakfast and they’d toss you in the lake until you learned better.

        3. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          …followed by a nice, thick pond scum shake!

        4. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          And we would have to knit our own clothes out of poison ivy and the webs of poisonous spiders, after killing a mastodon so we could use the tusks for knitting needles. And heaven help you if you tried to remove the spiders first! You’d be labeled a wimp forever.

  12. meredith Avatar
    meredith

    These parents are just trying to give their child every advantage, which in this case involves superpowers. They think of everything!!!

    1. TacoMagic Avatar
      TacoMagic

      “So Exploding Potato Man, you think you’ve foiled my plans do you? Well think again!” Expanded Peepinator pulled the lever he had been concealing behind his monstrous stack of fluffy snack foods, throwing wide the trap door conveniently located under the feet of the hapless hero.

      As Potato tumbled down the chute to-wards his uncertain fate, probably his demise, or possibly a swamp full of marshmallow snack foods, he couldn’t help but remember better times. His life hadn’t alway been this way.

      Growing up he had had everything. Attentive parents, good schools, friends, a nineteen thousand watt microwave; everything. He would wile away his days microwaving foods for his family, friends, pets, and that small group of sentient toaster ovens that nobody wanted to talk about. Apparently one of them eventually went on to star in a movie, but most of them just ended up sponging off his sister’s successful cave reclamation and standardization business. He wondered idly if she still needed an assistant manager.

      But then everything changed. Billy, as Potato is called in the other circle of his life, had always loved putting certain foods in the microwave and watching them explode, what kid didn’t. Potatoes were a favorite though, 5 minutes on high in a nineteen thousand watt microwave was all a boy needed for some concussive fun. But then came the day when his mother had brought him home a 10 pound Idaho russet. It was the biggest potato Billy had ever seen! It was glorious, and he had known with certainty that its fate in the microwave would prove it’s end to be glorious too.

      The resulting explosion that rocked the east coast of the United States had sent out shock-wave that disabled every Microwave and Convection oven operating on the planet, while at the same time instantly cooking every hot pocket in existence to a perfect crispy brown. The resulting riotous feast had distracted the authorities long enough for little Billy to pick up the remains of his shattered life and flee into hiding. But with him being at the epicenter of the potatopocalypse, as it was later called, there had been an unforeseen change in him. The power to instantly burst any potato into a pile of scalding fragments was his alone.

      With a tumbling thud, Potato exited the chute into a darkened room. He brushed himself off as he regained his feet and cast his gaze around, taking stock of his situation.

      A group of men heavily armed with molten marshmallow throwers smiled back at him from the dim reaches of the room, “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a fresh one, eh boys?”

      A tight grimace formed on Potatoes features as he surreptitiously unbuckled the pouch at his waist. He’d been in worse situations that this, but not many. His fist closed around a 10oz Nebraska red. The grimace turned into a grim smile. These men didn’t know who they were dealing with.

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        *handing Taco a dollop of Daisy*

        1. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          You’re a dear for ignoring several of the errors I didn’t catch until a post-ajax re-read.

          Curses.

        2. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          At least you didn’t pull a Dan Quayle (Mr. Potatoe Head).

        3. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          Except in the last paragraph..

        4. mudslicker Avatar
          mudslicker

          I read that too quickly. I thought that last one was plural rather than possessive. Hrumph….

          Nice avvie Bombdude… *chuckle*

        5. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          Thanks! That’s my EOD assitant… “Minefield Kitteh”

        6. Astrognash Avatar
          Astrognash

          But I thought Mindfield is a doggeh?

        7. Bombdude Avatar
          Bombdude

          One letter… *BIG* difference…

        8. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          thaat was too long to engage mt attention. but my tummy is full of puddings

        9. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Stoned EB seems overly concerned with pudding.

        10. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          Mini is overly concernred with my yogurt. he thingks sit shoudl be his

        11. Astrognash Avatar
          Astrognash

          EB, you should go post on Craigslist, and then we can all point at it and laugh.

          😀

        12. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Ooh, you should do that, EB! I bet that would be hilarious.

      2. Sinvius Avatar
        Sinvius

        This somewhat reminds me of the exploding zombies (Also known as Creepers) in MineCraft. You can always count on them to destroy hours of hard labor and sweat

      3. kellia Avatar
        kellia

        I wanted to give Taco a door, but I have an invalid cookie. I think that means a cookie had a bad accident.

        1. CapnMac Avatar
          CapnMac

          All of mine are reset, for reasons I cannot explain.

          Why can’t there just be Mint Brussels and be done with it?

        2. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          My cookies at home disappeared too for some reason. Typed up a post (thankfully short) only to get an error about entering my username. So I redid it and it’s fine.

          Cookie Monster is lurking hereabouts.

  13. Limelolly Avatar
    Limelolly

    This is probably the favorite toy.

    My child used to play with the turntable roller wheel from our microwave. Now I can’t find it. And it’s not unusual for me to find the rolling pin or other kitchenware in another room. I was excited at first thinking my son would grow up to be the next Emeril Lagasse. But, it seems he only wanted to use it destroy the bad guys.

    1. TacoMagic Avatar
      TacoMagic

      Tupperware and the rolling pin are the greatest “Whee Hahas” in the house for Tron. He also has some kind of Tupperware sixth sense that allows him to immediately find Tupperware in a house he’s never been to.

      1. Ly Avatar
        Ly

        Apparently my Tupperware lids are not Tron-worthy. I had to show him where they were in hopes of distracting him with the happiness Tupperware brings and, in the end, I don’t think a single lid got played with. Sadness.

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Inferior Auntie Tupperware. Even toddlers have standards. 8)

  14. Addicted Reader Avatar
    Addicted Reader

    What a well-written ad. I don’t understand why it’s being featured here.

    Picture? What picture??

    1. Moira Avatar
      Moira

      I’d place the writing at “nearly sublime.” The poster even managed to spell “separate” correctly. (It’s one of those “make or break” words that a select few appear to spell correctly on a consistent basis. I never expect anyone to get it right any more but I weep a little inside whenever I see it spelled wrong.)

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Moira, I learned the correct spelling of separately when I had to write over and over if a group of people applying for aid were a separate household or not. It was right there on the forms, and I can be taught. 8)

        1. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          I lesasarned because my mom said htat there were two brothers and they were named sep and rate and they lived in a tent. sepArate

        2. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          I learned it by remembering there is A RAT in the middle.

  15. Karmyn Avatar
    Karmyn

    As for cloth diapers, my sister’s mother-in-law is pretty much insane. Bad insane, not good like our side of the family. She sent her a nice fleece suit for Christmas. MiL complained that it was too big and sent it back. Sis decided to use it as diaper covers for her baby since MiL said everybody was sh!tting on her all the time.
    I used to have a microwave that looked like that. It didn’t work half the time.

  16. Mindfield Avatar
    Mindfield

    [OT]

    MeatWater. MEATWATER.

    That is all.

    [/OT]

    1. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      Meatwater, meet HamCan

    2. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      That’s Meatwater VOID. Which is what I have a hankering to want to do.

    3. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      That is one of the most disgusting beverages I have seen today.

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        I notice the bottles say “biologically diluted.” What does that even mean? I’m getting something about watering down the genepool here.

        1. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          According to the close up of the bottle, the Dirty Hot Dog flavor contains 3% rat urine. Would that be considered a “natural flavor” or a “biological dilutant”?

        2. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          :Opens drawer, tosses in his pack of rat urine flavored hot dogs, closes drawer, locks it:

        3. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          I thought you were kidding.

          Oh God, you’re not kidding. Although I only see the warning “may contain 3% urine” — but I guess they wouldn’t use human urine because somehow that’s worse than freaking rat piss.

          The bottle also says, “Raise serving temperature for massive flavour!”

          Warm rat piss.

          *hurk*

          Okay, seriously, this is just a big leg pull, right? This can’t be for real.

        4. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          Read the description for the flavor. They are insinuating that it’s urine from the hot-dog vendor.

          I’ve eaten vendor hot dogs!

          *Hurf*

          If you’ll all excuse me.

          *Runs out of the room*

        5. Addicted Reader Avatar
          Addicted Reader

          Ew. Just eeeeeeew.

          Why did I click?!?!?!?

        6. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          he peed on it

    4. Sinvius Avatar
      Sinvius

      Is it weird that I REALLY want to try This:
      http://dinnerinabottle.com/irish-lamb-stew

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        I notice they categorize “Bangers ‘n Mash” under “Ladies Choice.” Uh-huh.

        1. ArchedEyebrows Avatar
          ArchedEyebrows

          *snort*

        2. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          You know, the more I read their sidebar, the more confused and disturbed I get.

          Ballpark specials include such baseball classics as Italian meatballs, Swedish Köttbullar, and Königsberger Klopse. Mmm-mmm, brings me right back to Dodger Stadium, that does.

          “Stuffed Quail” (also conveniently under “Ladies’ Choice”) also sounds euphemistic.

          The Midnight Snacks category also includes “Mountain Oysters.” Because many is the time I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night feeling a little peckish and thought to myself, “Man, I could really go for some testicles. If only they came in drinkable form.”

          Future Survival lists Kebobalypse and Shawarmageddon which, in an uncanny coincidence, is what I refer to my trips to the bathroom after I’ve eaten Kebabs and Shawarma.

          I’m going to stop looking at that site because I’m getting a little freaked out.

      2. Sinvius Avatar
        Sinvius

        urp.. urp!… Urp!… URP!

    5. Sinvius Avatar
      Sinvius

      This is the reason I tend to eat vegetarian
      http://dinnerinabottle.com/venison-confit

      1. Bombdude Avatar
        Bombdude

        Urp… And I *like* meat…

        1. TacoMagic Avatar
          TacoMagic

          I love vension! I have, thus far, helped clean, process, and butcher into individual cuts 6 deer (I’m a newbie). It wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting, and I got tasty meat from it.

          However, I still find Venison-Confit water a disgusting concept. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my squirrel costume in my bunk cowering under my desk with my head between my knees.

        2. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          deer jerky is tasty.s o is elk steak

  17. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan


    I’ve been playin’ all day, my diapers wet when you feel
    There’s a deuce in my pants that I made for you
    It’s my momma I’m callin’, say I need to burp
    And it’s half past time to powder my rear

    When I get hungry and the longing gets too much
    She sends a nipple coming in from above
    We don’t want cold formula at all
    We’ve got a thing that’s called radar range
    I’ve got a microwave in my room, radar range

    1. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      Done deal! I can go home now.

      This is better than the original song.

      *rubbing Hammy’s belly*

      1. HamCan Avatar
        HamCan

        *wags*

      2. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Stop it! Mudsy, stop it at once. No tummy rubs in the Snark Lounge. Get a kennel, you two!

  18. Sinvius Avatar
    Sinvius

    After hanging upside down for too long, one begins to think “WHY ARE THEY MICROWAVING CHILD TOYS?!”

    1. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      Or the missing batteries for same?

      (Please note, there are those who are convinced that batteries can be preserved by storing them in a freezer. I find it difficult to not imagine that such people are not related to those who think that the “Defrost” setting on the m/w is required before use.)

      1. mudslicker Avatar
        mudslicker

        Tommyknockers

        These are the people who confuse batteries with film.

      2. Sinvius Avatar
        Sinvius

        We used to do that in my family (Store batteries in the freezer) but we never did defrost the microwave…. Although, in hindsight, if we had a defrost button, we probably would have done that

      3. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        My favorite Midwestern Misnomer is the term: “De-thaw”.

        My wife used to use it a lot and couldn’t understand why I would tease her about it.

        “Do we need to de-thaw this before cooking with it?” *Holds up frozen chicken.*

        “Looks pretty dethawed to me. You may consider re-thawing it a tad in addition to the de-thaw to make it easier to slice.”

        Anymore I’ll be in the freezer: “Well, we can use some of this stew meat for the stir fry. I’ll just need to de-thaw it!” *Look over my shoulder with impish smile*.

        Wife rolls her eyes, “Shut up, Taco.”

        I hear it at work all the time too. I just clench my jaw and foam a the mouth a bit until they go away.

        1. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          i thnknnk If i clecnhed my sawy it would hurt

        2. HamCan Avatar
          HamCan

          Is “clecnhing my sawy” the Bangladeshi equivalent of getting your panties in a bunch?

        3. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          I’m going to need someone to point out on a diagram where a “sawy” is located as well as instructions on how to “clecnh” it.

        4. Astrognash Avatar
          Astrognash

          It sure sounds dirty from over here.

          Granted, I keep trying to parse “sawy” as “savi”, after a whole morning of Latin *pornunciations.

          Carpe omnia!

          *I’ll leave it the way I misspelled it just for all y’all folks.

        5. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          Perhaps would a sawi be where you put an unblubler?

    2. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Maybe they ran out of children to microwave.

      1. Sinvius Avatar
        Sinvius

        *Flicks a door, along with a big fluffy Alot named Harry*

      2. Addicted Reader Avatar
        Addicted Reader

        Do babbies explode in the microwave like potatoes?

        I may have to borrow someone’s child and experiment.

        1. Lola Avatar
          Lola

          You’re a scientist, AR. I’m sure you know exactly what you’re doing.

        2. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Just tell them it’s for science. Or ponies. Kids like ponies.

        3. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          yes

  19. CJ Avatar
    CJ

    Am I the only one reeeeeaaaaaallly hoping EB comes back post-dentist?

    1. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      *raising hand*

      Hehe…kinda like “David After Dentist”….?

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        If anything makes one question “is this real life?” it’s CraigsList postings.

    2. Sinvius Avatar
      Sinvius

      Ditto

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        I’m hope she does log in, but I am pretty sure I won’t get any fun out of it until much later today, when I get home. I have about 30 min. left of lunch, then will be busy as (insert homely simile* here) until 5:30 Left Coast time.

    3. EclecticBlue Avatar
      EclecticBlue

      I dn’t remembmer coming home,, the last thinkg I remember I was trying to get intoa wheelchair that was jammed intot eh eara by the chair. i don’t rememver the elevator or the outside or the car or getting out of the car. I think I rememmber Mr putting me in teh recliner adn giving me a blanket. then I slet adn got pudding. it made my tummy hurt, though. the yogurt wa better, I think i want a jamba jucie, though. Ecleot i’m relally tired.

      1. HamCan Avatar
        HamCan

        I remember (vaguely) being this high at a KISS concert.

        1. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          i wdon’t want any ksiseese. The bottom front part of my jaw feels like it got punched and then tuffed wiuth cottongnin

        2. SilvaNoir Avatar
          SilvaNoir

          Wow, a mouth stuffed with an entire cotton gin. That’s a big mouth 😉

        3. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          Yeah, but now everything she says is just going to be spin.

      2. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        You must be tired if you think you’re explaining this to an ocelot. Unless you have a pet ocelot, in which case, squeeeeeee ocelot!

        1. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          The ocelot was my favorite part, also. 🙂

      3. MandaB Avatar
        MandaB

        Oh, I am so glad I checked in tonight! Laughter to the point of tears! EB, I Ecleot you.

        1. CJ Avatar
          CJ

          Ditto what MandaB says!! Only it’s morning here. Holy sh*t, even better than I expected.

  20. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    Good news, EB! I found us a cake!

    How to make it!

    1. TacoMagic Avatar
      TacoMagic

      There is no joy in Muddville cause Taco’s comment is still awaiting moderation.

      I think they’re telling me to post less? In moderation mayhap?

  21. EclecticBlue Avatar
    EclecticBlue

    T THINK I FIGUREed it out. all the parkies are on sleeping pills and pain pills during the day, notivce how im typing susplitiocusly like them/.

    1. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      Boy is she going to regret this tomorrow!

      I like banana susplits too!

      1. Mindfield Avatar
        Mindfield

        I’m not fussy about banana susplits. I give them to the parkies. They like them.

        1. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          i dont lke nanaannas

        2. HamCan Avatar
          HamCan

          What about ape eels?

        3. EclecticBlue Avatar
          EclecticBlue

          ok. cmutper is dying so iab heve to do. sorry all…

        4. sarajean80 Avatar
          sarajean80

          Awwww….

          :waves:

          Bye, Stoned EB!

        5. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Did she just say she has heve to do? Didn’t think you could plan that sort of thing. It always seems to creep up on me. Urp!

        6. Mindfield Avatar
          Mindfield

          Maybe that’s how she’s trying to exorcise the demon drug.

  22. Astrognash Avatar
    Astrognash

    NEW! from Marie Calendar*’s!1!

    Microwaveable Babby!

    Microwave on HIGH for 5:30 to 8:00 and let stand 1:30, then enjoy!

    WARNING: Food may be hot.

    Also, I didn’t expect to be able to use this link again on here, but here you go.

    *Yes, I know that’s not how it’s spelled. That’s the point.

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      I can’t wait 2.5 hours for dinner.

  23. EclecticBlue Avatar
    EclecticBlue

    oww

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      EB, take a couple more pills, there’s a good mommy.

  24. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Tonight, on our center stage, I present a tandem Punchity Punch Punch to Litarider and sarajean80! Congratulations, Snarkers!

    G’Night, Iowa!

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      :steals one of EB’s happy pills:

      wheee!1 hit me again!

      puddings.

  25. Addicted Reader Avatar
    Addicted Reader

    Just got home at 1:15am EST. Left the lab at 5:30. That’s 7 miles in nearly 8 hours. I hate snow.

    1. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      Glad you are home safe, AR; that’s crazy. You might have done better walking. Now that snow is up here and my work is not closed, so it’s my turn to go out in it.

      NOTE for Llama-Nun: I have changed no cookies or cleared or deleted anything and was just asked to put in my name/email to post this. Apparently the site deleted them on its own? 6:38 am EST.

      1. EclecticBlue Avatar
        EclecticBlue

        I’m pretty sure last night was when things got migrated to the new server, so maybe that was the deal?

    2. LurkRealClose Avatar
      LurkRealClose

      Ohnoes! So sorry to hear this, AR. Glad you made it home safe.

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