You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 418: Stain, stain, stain …. stain of fools …

Written by

drmk

in

oversized chair (middlefield)

This item is free, oversized comfy chair…would be great with a cover, and it’s free!
415a

I like how they’re really highlighting the “free” part. Unfortunately, free rhymes with the word I can’t help but thinking of when I look at this chair. That unfortunate linguistic coincidence disinclines me towards taking this chair, regardless of how “great” it would be with a cover. Unless that cover is made of antibacterial latex and is two feet thick, I think I’ll pass, thanks.

Although, on second thought, it doesn’t look too bad compared to these …

sofa

Great condition except for the paint stains on cushions. (all cushions can be flipped over) 77″ U move it, U can have it.

415

Yep, flipping the cushions over will solve all of the problems with this sofa. Excellent plan, sparky.

Then again, that sofa is so hideous that the paint sort of improves it. It could actually use more paint, now that I think about it. I’d add some red, I think. That would really brighten it up.

And then there’s this …

Custom Baker Sofa – $300

My great aunt was found on sofa when we went to check on her She was fully dresses at the time . Her Estate is now for sale there are a few great Bargins!
Come and get them at great prices! . Cushions have all been cleaned all stains came out. slight smell will fade in time.
415b

I … um.

Ew.

No, really. Ew. I mean, we appreciate that you cleaned the sofa and removed the dead auntie stains and all; that was very considerate of you. I’m just not going to pay $300 for the couch upon which your great auntie died. It’s a bad sign if you have to include the phrase “slight smell will fade in time” in a listing, regardless of what that smell is. I don’t care if it’s the smell of popcorn and bacon, I don’t want it. I especially don’t want it if your picture conveniently covers up the part of the sofa upon which dead auntie would have started … pining for the fjords, let’s say.

Thanks to Terri, Amy, and Sy M. for the submissions!

Comments

64 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 418: Stain, stain, stain …. stain of fools …”

  1. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Dead aunties aren’t much fun. And I am pretty sure full disclosure isn’t going to help them unload that morbid bit of retro furniture, either. They may have to come down to a more reasonable price, like say, free. 8)

  2. sarajean80 Avatar
    sarajean80

    I’m going to have to second that “ew”. That last one has put a little movie in my head.

    The relatives, a concerned niece and her slacker brother, come over after not hearing from their dear old great aunt, only to find newspapers littering the porch. Forcing open the door against the mail piled beneath the slot, they venture forward into the gloom. There they find the dearly departed, resting peacefully in the living room(“fully dresses”, of course), knitting by her side. As the loser nephew consoles his sobbing sister, a stray thought drifts through what passes for his mind. “I bet with a little Febreeze I could sell that couch for a few bucks on CraigsList.”

    I have too much time on my hands, I think.

    1. dissimilitude Avatar
      dissimilitude

      I take it I’m not the only person wondering just how long it had been since they last checked on her?

    2. Sarah Jane Avatar
      Sarah Jane

      why do i visualize Gob Bluth in that character?

  3. Andrea Avatar
    Andrea

    I wonder if the paint-stained coffee table can be thrown in with the couch? At least you would have a matching set! As for the others…… ewwwwwww!

    1. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      Actually, of the 3, the paint-stained couch is the least unappealing. Flip the cushions, throw a slip cover on that sucker, and you’re in business. At least paint isn’t a biohazard.

  4. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    may i add a ‘yuckeee’ to the ewwws. sorry about the deadaunt, deadaunt, deadaunt, dee ddeeee dee.. whoops. slipped into the pink panther theme for a bit there. and i’d still like to know the mystery of that stained blue chair. who DIED in that one?

  5. Fraulein N Avatar
    Fraulein N

    Yeah, if I had to pick one (you know, in hell or something) I’d go with the paint-covered couch. I don’t get why they didn’t recommend throwing a slipcover on it, rather than pretending like flipping the cushions would help.

    I’m really tired of the misuse of the phrase “great condition” on Craigslist. Like, great condition except for the black-ass paint splattered all over it or great condition except for the shit stains, the slight smell and the fact that it’s quite possibly haunted or great condition except it’s missing three out of four legs. No, motherfucker, that is not “great condition.” I’d venture so far as to say that the above items are not even in GOOD condition. No, no, no.

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      “…the fact that it’s quite possibly haunted…”

      I’m surprised they didn’t think of that! Charge a few hundred for a genuine ghost, with the provision that you take the nasty couch with the great aunt-juice stains.

      I would prefer the paint couch, if all other furniture in the world suddenly vanished except these three pieces. That or, you know, sit on the floor. I might go with that.

      1. Lola Avatar
        Lola

        “great aunt-juice stains”

        Note to self: this is why you shouldn’t drink coffee when reading YSAC.

        1. 2Sly4You Avatar
          2Sly4You

          Agreed!

      2. JcT Avatar
        JcT

        I was really bored one night and saw a show about some guy whose job it is to clean up the “juice stains” in the house after the coroner has hauled off the dead person. His job immediately jumped into my top-ten list of “jobs I would never have even if I lived in a van down by the river.”

        Do. Not. Buy. That. Couch. I don’t care if aunty was only dead for 30 minutes when they found her. Eeeeeeewwwwwwww.

        1. jackie31337 Avatar
          jackie31337

          Blowflies start arriving within minutes of death. They can smell the body, possibly before a human in the same room would even notice that their companion isn’t just sleeping. Depending on the conditions in the house, decomposition could be well underway by the 30 minute mark.

      3. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        “juice-stain” cleaner is shooting right to the top of my own Not-even-if-I-was-living-in-a-box-under-an-overpass list. With asterisks, underlining and double bolding.

        I could have lived a rich, full life without knowing that bit about the flies. If I develop some strange OCD in my twilight years and festoon my house with fly strips, I can blame jackie31337.

  6. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    What is a “Custom Baker Sofa”? Why is it such a great item that the fact that someone died on it still makes it worth $300? What was the original price?

    1. My Evil Twin Avatar
      My Evil Twin

      Maybe their aunt was a baker? And, judging from the picture and the “slight smell,” she obviously “customized” it.

      Original price is irrelevant, since it has been “customized.” This item is one of a kind! (Yay (ish)!)

    2. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      I did some research before posting the ad — apparently “Baker” is an upscale furniture manufacturer.

      I’m reasonably certain they wouldn’t consider dead auntie juice an improvement on their design, though.

      1. woofless Avatar
        woofless

        “dead auntie juice”. Eeeeww…..*shudder*

  7. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    $300 for that last couch? Really?

    Really?

    Seriously, I could get a brand new couch at Ikea for that price. One that nobody died on. One that actually has a back on it.

    1. Tacomagic Avatar
      Tacomagic

      Yes, but would the Ikea couch be haunted? I think not!

    2. My Evil Twin Avatar
      My Evil Twin

      This is why they need sub-categories in the “for sale” and “free” sections of CL.

      For Sale – Fetishes?

      As creepy as it is, there is quite probably a market for these pieces of …furniture.
      The nude elderly “caregiver” might go for that couch, no?
      Depressingly and oddly enough, the one with the paint would likely be the least wanted.

  8. MoxieHart Avatar
    MoxieHart

    The first picture is Chairy from Pee Wee’s Playhouse after she lost some weight. And indulged in some…unsavory activities.

    1. Fraulein N Avatar
      Fraulein N

      Today’s word of the day is … stain. Every time you hear it, scream real loud!

      1. Monica Hamburg Avatar
        Monica Hamburg

        I do that already

  9. Artie Smartypants Avatar
    Artie Smartypants

    I worked as a Hospice Care worker for a while (back in the day) and one of my clients passed away on her couch. Her son offered it to me, as it was a really nice couch, practically brand new, as a thank you of sorts because he couldn’t stand to look at it. My husband was convinced it would be uncool (and possibly haunted) so I had to decline. I could have sold that thing on CL for $300! Except we didn’t have CL back then.

    1. My Evil Twin Avatar
      My Evil Twin

      Yeah, someone once offered me a really nice punch to the face* as a thank you of sorts.

      * in the words of drmk, “this may not actually be true”

  10. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    Is there a post-label category for “No. Just no.”? Or can you have (if not already) an “unrealistic expectations plus” category called “clearly delusional”?
    Dude, it’s called taking a loss and moving on. You’re not going to get anything for the thing, just suck it up (not literally). The couch with paint might be salvaged by a slipcover since as was pointed out above, it’s not a biohazard), but the stained chair (if you don’t want to get a new cushion, and there aren’t other reasons not to keep it that are less evident) and the auntie’s couch of repose are writeoffs. Deal with it.

  11. Jon. Avatar
    Jon.

    That last one just has to be an attempt to get onto this site, doesn’t it? Please, please tell me that’s what it is…

    1. Wings Avatar
      Wings

      That was my thought too, Jon… it just has to be fake. Doesn’t it? Please? *whimpers*

  12. Ladycrim Avatar
    Ladycrim

    That second one looks like someone spilled a cartridge of printer toner, which would be hazardous to inhale … (But still better than Eau de Dead Auntie.)

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      If it is toner, that would explain why it looks like no one made any attempt to clean it up. It looks like a pigment pipebomb went off on the seat.
      It IS possible to get latex paint out of upholstery, provided it has not dried (as this obviously has) and you use a LOT of water and soap. (I was young and stupid and sat a container on paint on the arm of a chair. The cat jumped up and… You can see how that little story ends. Luckily it was a light shade that was not too different from the fabric and there was not much left in the container. I took cushion and cat to the bathroom and washed both thoroughly. Neither was quite the same afterward.)

      1. Ladycrim Avatar
        Ladycrim

        Aww, poor kitty!

        1. jackie31337 Avatar
          jackie31337

          Aww, poor sarajean80’s arms… I bet they were never quite the same after washing the cat, either.

      2. sarajean80 Avatar
        sarajean80

        After the infusions I felt much better and the scars have healed quite nicely. You can barely see the skin grafts anymore…

        It was only her feet and a portion of her tail, so it was not TOO bad; I used the clothespin trick. (Pinch the back of the cat’s neck the way its’ mother would to pick it up, then replace your fingers with a clothespin, testing first on the web between you thumb and forefinger to make sure it is not too strong.That way you can have both hands free, if there is no one else to help you bathe the cat.Not for long term use, but works for quick jobs.)

  13. Nequam Avatar
    Nequam

    So. Is that last advert causing anybody else’s mind to replay that scene from Silence of the Lambs with the bathtub full of steaming landlady soup?

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      NOW it is. Thank you so much for that. Tonight I will have to sleep with the lights on.

    2. sfaye Avatar
      sfaye

      It is now. Gee, thanks.

    3. My Evil Twin Avatar
      My Evil Twin

      I saw that movie and I have no idea what you are talking about.

      One of the advantages to losing one’s mind.

  14. TigerShark Avatar
    TigerShark

    The second couch looks like a rare species, of couch that is.. caught in an oil spill. I’d be glad to have it… rope it off and claim I “saved” it.

    1. げんきがばんぞ Avatar
      げんきがばんぞ

      The best part is that this beautiful oil stained couch will resist water (auntie juice) damage for years to come, perfect for outdoor parties when it rains.

      On a side note if your ever bored as hell turn up the heat during the winter and breathe deep the fumes would be great fun for the whole family!

  15. wahnula Avatar
    wahnula

    Wonderful! Quite a nice change from all the bad grammar and spelling bitching, pre-died Baker furnishings were exactly what I was looking for. What are the chances TWO people will die in the exact same piece of furniture (unless, of course, you live in a prison)?. Right. It’s the couch of immortality, odds-wise. As long as you stay in it you’re golden.

    1. Fraulein N Avatar
      Fraulein N

      Hee, “pre-died.” Awesome.

  16. KatieMB Avatar
    KatieMB

    Well now, I’m sure auntie was very very nice and all, and that you loved her dearly. But no. Really. No thank you. Seriously, I said no. I don’t care how much febreeze you put on it or include in the deal. No means no!

    *runs away as fast as she can*

  17. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    Why do some CraigsListers think that other people would be interested in their bodily fluid soaked wares?

    I mean you don’t see advertisements for ‘toothbrush – used’ or ‘condoms – One careful owner’………mind you having said that I think we all know that it’s only a matter of time…..

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      …‘condoms – One careful owner’…

      *snort*

      Now I’m glad I invested in that Scotchgard.

      1. Procrastinator Avatar
        Procrastinator

        You can scotchguard condoms?

    2. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some of those out there. The person trying to sell his/her dead granny’s stockings, or the one selling an open pack of condoms come to mind.

  18. Jane Avatar
    Jane

    The couch on which great auntie died would be perfect for musicians-in-training.

    They could use it to decompose.

  19. Katy Avatar
    Katy

    Let’s just tie Great Auntie’s old couch to the top of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You know, we can’t just leave it like that…

    I got to lay off the movie references.

  20. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    Great……….thanks to laughing at these comments I’ve just stained MY chair………hmmm……..free chair anyone?

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      Sure! I’ll just throw this asbestos-lined slipcover over it, then seal it in twenty-four layers of anti-microbial and antibacterial plastic.

  21. kegbot1 Avatar
    kegbot1

    Wow. About the couch. Reminds me of something.

    My Aunt Delores died on my grandparents couch one overnight in 1975 – drinking and pills. She was there for hours and was discovered by my grandparents when they came downstairs the next morning. I remember that day well.

    It never occured to my grandparents or anyone else to get rid of the couch. When my family came over that afternoon to help with funeral arrangements, I sat right on the couch like always (it was a great couch). I did not notice any smell or stain but I don’t think I was even thinking of that. The couch remained in the living room until 1983 when the contents of my grandparents house were sold after they died.

    Yes, someone bought the couch – I remember them taking it out of the house. It never occurred to us to tell them the history of the ‘death couch.’ My family must have been even weirder than I though.

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      The bed I slept in as a child had a similarly ‘colorful’ history. The bed(the frame, headboard, and footboard, not the mattress) predated the War Between the States(the Civil War for all you dam’ Yankees out there) and according to my grandmother, had been the place of eighteen births, including hers, and twelve deaths. Just what an eight year old wants to hear before going to sleep.

    2. tigprincess Avatar
      tigprincess

      Talking of deaths on furniture and not advising others reminds me of when I was at university when some friends in rented accommodation reported an attempted break-in so were visited by the police. One commented “I recognise this house – those nurses were murdered here”. Ten minutes later my friends turned over their mattresses and – yes, you’ve guessed it – the bloodstains were still there! The following morning, stiff from a night on the floor, a visit was made to IKEA to get new mattresses. UGH!

  22. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    Seriously, who trawls Craigslist for paint splattered couches? “Oh, good, black on floral, that’ll match the walls little Jimmy attacked with the Sharpie!” If you don’t want it because it’s in terrible shape- no one else wants it either! Some trash really is trash, not treasure.

    If no one is going to look at the couch and think, “Hmmm, did someone die on that thing, I wonder?” you don’t need to mention it. Actually, I think I will begin any and all used furniture purchases with that question, “So, anyone die on this dresser? I’m just curious.”

  23. NinjaMedic Avatar
    NinjaMedic

    For the record, decomposition odors will NOT fade with time. That smell will be there for as long as the couch is around.

    Ew. The thought of it has put me off my supper.

    1. sarajean80 Avatar
      sarajean80

      I’m not sure if this is merely a rumor, but I have heard that the chemical in skunk spray is chemically similar to what a decomposing body produces. ( I want to say it’s called putrescene, but that sounds sort of fake and I might have just heard it in a movie) If that’s true, than using water-based cleaners to clean it up will only spread the scent around.

      1. meg Avatar
        meg

        putrescene is indeed the name of one of the multitude of chemicals that decomposing bodies give off. it has…a unique smell. disgustingly cloyingly sweet and hideous. the other chemicals are what differentiate the smell of skunks and death.

        random fact of the day: if someone’s brains end up on your wall, and they aren’t cleaned off immediately, they won’t come off with water due to the high fat content of them!

      2. JK Avatar
        JK

        I wish I would’ve known that when my grandmother died in my car. I loved that car but the smell of it gave me panic attacks even after months of fabreeze. My mom eventually sold it to her friend who knew about the dead grandmother thing and didn’t care. I was just glad it was gone.

  24. JimmyRocks Avatar
    JimmyRocks

    Popcorn and bacon sound excellent together!

  25. Pug Avatar
    Pug

    Poppi strikes again!!!

  26. sarajean80 Avatar
    sarajean80

    I have found the paint couch’s long lost twin!
    Just click on my name.

  27. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
    cleaseltheweasel

    Hey, that 2nd post looks like something I would have done as a 14-year-old goth.

  28. Chrisinthebox Avatar
    Chrisinthebox

    You have to wonder… what’s on the other side of that cushion if this side is the “photo-worthy” shot.

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