You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: punctuationally challenged

  • YSaC, Vol. 403: Wait, I thought you meant a Volkswagen Thing.

    big golf thing

    it is a huge round thing used to hit balls into golf balls babee base balls and foot balls
    its free come and get it
    call me xxx-xxx-xxxx

    I’ve always wanted a big golf thing. I’ve been looking for one for years! Now my life is complete.

    Wait, what?

    Thanks to val_veeta for sending this one in!

    A bit of administrivia: Some eagle-eyed commenters have already noticed the comment scoring option I added over the weekend. Each comment now has a small +1 symbol inside it, which you can click to indicate your approval of a comment. I thought it might be fun — hope you enjoy it!

  • YSaC, Vol. 400: Birds of paradise?

    looking for a A-bird or two

    I am looking for an Attack Bird or a pair of Attack Birds to watch my home while I am at work. I have bad allergies and cannot have an attack dog or cat so I thought a bird would be my next best choice.
    Maybe an attack snake but I dont think you can train those like a bird? If you can please let me know.

    thanks Thomas

    I’ll get to the bird thing in a minute; I’m kind of stuck on the concept of an attack cat. I mean, I’ve known some mean cats in my time, but short of having a panther in your living room, I’m not entirely sure that a cat will fulfill the function this fellow is looking for. I have two cats — yes, I’m halfway to crazy cat lady — and if someone they didn’t know came into the house, their reaction would be to think, “Are YOU going to feed me?” while they fell on the floor and exposed their soft floofy underbellies to the intruder.

    Okay, the bird thing. An attack bird. That you can train. Hmmm. Well, let’s see what we’ve got out there, shall we?

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 398: Preserving the sanctity of marriage!

    Lets get married tomorrow – 22

    I decided tomorrow I want to get married, So any takers. Im attractive, not a psycho…well not completly:)- have a job, car, my own place, im very independent…i love sex and my husband will have to be able to keep up with me…ive never wanted to get married…ever. But life is pretty boring right now and i feel like if i get married at least its something exciting. So ur probably wondering if im all these great things why dont I have a man…ha I get asked that everytime i go on a first date. I always dread that question, but truth is once i sleep with the man i lose interest…stupidly. But i figure if im married, that means A this person is as spontaneous as I am, B I cant just walk away…and C hopefully he will satisfy me.
    AND I dont want to get messages saying marriage is sacred I cant do this blah blah blah because to that i say bullshit. Anyone should be allowed to get married to who they choose and get married for whatever reasons they choose. I choose to marry a stranger because maybe that stranger is who im looking for.
    I will send a photo if I recieve a photo…Im looking for someone thats between 21-33, attractive…obviously 🙂 Has their own place, job, ect. Someone who has his shit together but crazy enough to marry a stranger…
    PS i dont cook!

    Mandy sends this one in, saying:

    “What a way to cure boredom… for a day.

    My favorite part about this is that she doesn’t ever go past a first date because she loses interest once she sleeps with the man… at least we know she puts out on the first date.

    Plus, if she gets bored with a guy after sleeping with him once, why not marry him, and be stuck being bored until they inevitably get divorced! That sounds like a fabulous idea!!

    “Life is pretty boring right now.” I imagine her sitting around, thinking to herself, I am so bored tonight. What should I do? Take a walk? See a movie? Have a picnic? Nah… Those don’t sound exciting at all. How about I propose to a stranger? Perfect, boredom resolved.

    So… ANY takers.”

    Yep, that about covers it. I’m sure she sees this as spontaneous and romantic, just like in the movies — and in the movies, things always work out! Sure, there will be a rough patch or two and some obstacles that they’ll have to overcome, but eventually there will be a montage and love will overcome all. I’m sure she’s not considering things like the other crazy people who post personal ads on Craigslist. (Yes, each one of those words is a different link.)

  • YSaC, Vol. 397: Childhood is priceless. Childcare, not so much.

    need a sitter for 11:00 – $20

    sitter fell through earlier and i have to be at work at 12. my friend will be off at 5 and will come get my son right after. my son plays well with other kids. everyone tells me he’s an angel. and if you dont have kids of your own dont bother calling . and if youre a weirdo, you should be scared. i’ll only trust another mother. if you could come get him that woiuld be great, but i’ll make my way to you if theres no other way. and my name is xxxx by the way. thanks xxx xxx xxxx

    1. You’re offering someone $20 to watch your kid from 11-5 pm. In other words, the price you’re putting on your angel-child’s well-being is $3.33/hr.
    2. Oh, that’s right, you’re also offering to let a stranger pick your child up and take him away with them.
    3. I didn’t realize that mother and weirdo were mutually exclusive categories.
    4. For extra bonus hilarity, you posted this at 9:30 am, and you think you have the ability to be picky.

    I didn’t think it would be possible to find a worse offer than that, but of course I did. This one was from kijiji.com:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 395: Fun with midgets, part 2.

    Need Midget To Drink With

    Group of single male/females that party together on a regular basis are seeking a person of short stature (midget) to hang out with. Do not get us wrong…. This is purely for novelty purposes, but if you’re cool you can really be our friend. Total plus if you are an Asian Midget, with a drinking problem, who has no issues being referred to as Godzilla.

    P.S. We will buy all the beer.

    Translation: We’re asshats.

    Topless Poker Dealer

    Looking for one topless female poker dealer for a house cash game on Saturday July 18th, 2009. We are looking for someone who is hot, so if your old and washed up please don’t even bother applying for this gig. We want a hot, 21-32yr old female with a fabulous rack, nice features and a good sense of humor. Im not going to be rude and put a weight limit in this post but you know who are you, so don’t apply. If your not exactly sure how to deal poker its okay as long as your smoking hot with nice tits we can work around that part. It will pay $10 per hour plus tips and free drinks, shots, etc.

    If you are a Midget you will get front of the line consideration even if you don’t want to go topless.

    Please apply via email with a photo and contact info.

    -Brad P.

    Translation: We’re asshats too, but for additional reasons beyond our midget fascination.

    midgit for birthday party

    I am looking for a midgit for Wednesday night July 29th 2009 to appear at [place] in [location]. All drinks will be provided and a minimum of $50 in tips. A party attitude is a must! We are nice people and are just looking to have a good time with you!

    I’m still a little unclear on when having a token midget friend became the the holy grail of hipsterdom. Then again, I’m most definitely not a hipster.

    Thanks, Lindsay O., Tyler, and Josh, for more midget mania!

  • YSaC, Vol. 388: Tonight, Judas will be played by Miffy.

    I like my little sweet peas..share your pets with me

    I just wanted to share and get word out to everyone, that me and brenda mullins, I am jack mullins have puppet pet shows in our home. You can bring your little snuggle bunny to participate but a $10 fee will apply. We have church related shows that are geared to the well being of the animal for its spiritual side and we even baptitize for $100. We take donations here in our trailer, I live w/ mrs mullins, my mom, and do have stuffed animals for sale ranging from $25 – $550.00.

    Here is a pic of my mee maw and a pic of me making and holding toys for the animals, well I gotta get ready for tonights show, I hope yall can come and help save a animal and keep it on the spiritual path.

    I love you. Jack Mullins

    I love you too, Jack Mullins, but ours is the love that dare not speak its name. You see, our love is forbidden because my life’s mission is to prevent people from dressing their animals up in clothing. You seem to not only be doing that, but charging people for the privilege of doing so, and then subjecting the animals to being participants in strange religiously-based pet puppet shows.

    Is there really a big problem with heathen animals? I mean, other than hermit crabs, because those things are obviously Satan’s minions.

    And am I the only wondering whether the “stuffed animals” they’re offering for sale are fabric animals or taxidermied versions of the animals who kept missing their lines in Lent’s Passion Play? Have you ever tried to teach a Siamese cat Latin? It’s not pretty.

    This was sent in by Allison — thanks!