You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 454: Can I leave my asschapeau on?

    AFRICAN FISH – 50 (DREXEL HIL)

    Goood mourning –
    I am seeking an angle to come to my house and bring me two 20 oz wawa coffees with cream and NO sugar. Any apple fritters would be a big plus. A slow soft wet and deep blow job after the coffe followed by spooning untill we both fall asleep would be the perfict ending to our first meeting. Open to long term comitment with right lsdy, but you must have increadable tits to hold on to and a great big ass to use for my pillow. Sound nice? Hit me back with your stats and a pic and tell me how long it will take you to get here, and this may be your dream date come true. Please noone over 5’4″ and keep your wig on.
    Bob

    Andrew sent this ad in with the following commentary/translation:

    “I found this little gem whilst trying to cheer myself up a bit this morning — juxtaposing why I’m single to people who actually deserve to be so.”

    “Our friend Bob here appears to be an diabetic ichthyologist from the Sudan, recovering from the death of a loved one. He apparently needs some coffee, some apple fritters, and oral release to complete his magnum opus on the psychosocial dynamics of the koi pond in his condo in DREXEL HIL(L). Pity, really — the editors at Nature have been calling him for weeks. Do you know an angle with increadable tits for him? The world of science rests on your shoulders. Perfict, thanks. Remember your wig.”

    Andrew, there isn’t a single thing I can add to this, except … how on earth does reading something like this make you feel better about being single? Anyway, I just want you to know that the application of the “still single?” tag is on Bob’s behalf, not yours.

    Edited to add: Apparently this showed up on Date Wrecks a couple of days ago, also submitted by Andrew. Jami, we need to coordinate these things!

  • YSaC, Vol. 453: [Error: age must be a real number.]

    Summer fun with your Daughter? – w4m

    Hi, New to area, looking for open-minded man for some fun. I am ”’ lb. and have ish hair and blue eyes. Would like to find a play mate for kinky role playing encounters for my boyfriend and I , must be open-minded. Looking for someone who loves to recieve oral and give facials! Those with a pic on profile will get first response. Would prefer them to be local and with in the age limit of

    Aunty Christ sends this ad in, saying, “This is great because (1) The headline alone is priceless. But the idea of “summer fun with your daughter” in conjunction with kinky role playing, facials, and oral is pretty gag-worthy. (2) I have ish hair too! We will get along wonderfully. (3) This was posted in “strictly platonic.” Someone needs to explain some words to some people. Or ‘people.’ “

  • YSaC, Vol. 452: No, really, that’s irritating. Stop it.

    possible crt monitor offer, or things

    “this monitor may have been bought in the second half of 2003, and may be an NEC Flat MultiSync 97F, maybe 19”, with a black case, or something like that
    it may be as though it was dropped more than once in the past, although it may have seemed to work fine afterwards, but it may not have the base, the thing that monitors rest on and swivel over
    there may have been a widening in the . maybe like seam in the case from how the monitor was originally made because of being dropped
    it may not be large, but one could notice it if one looked at it
    the structural integrity of the monitor has seemed to be fine since the last time it was dropped, it may be
    this may have been years ago
    the screen may ‘need’ to be cleaned, and there are some scratches on the plastic casing on the front of the monitor, and some maybe like small drop things of paint on the right side, it may be
    it may be as though it seemed to work fine the last time I used it
    may have been in the last month and a half or so
    it may be as though I would be willing to give this away, if someone wanted it, in a particular case
    I live not very far from downtown Pensacola, about 45 blocks from Palafox and Garden, it may be
    it may be as though I ‘could’ provide more information or provide pictures, possibly, if someone wanted
    it may be as though I would want to say something like pardon me if my way of writing will have caused undesirable things
    “, or other things

    It may be that you are not pardoned, as it may be that your pretension is annoying. I may have accidentally tripped and posted your ad on YSaC, and it may be that I’ve given you the tag trying too hard. See, because for all the may be‘s in there, the one thing you definitely did do is irritate me.

    I may wish to thank Amanda for this listing. Meanwhile, also in our linguistically irritating/trying too hard category:
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 451: Shake the decease.

    Looking for MR. Right Now – 28

    How are you, I’m looking for a attractive guy to keep me busy and entertain my wild desires on call. Lately my life has been a tire so I’m up for dirt biking too. Please be decease and drug free and reply to this ad with photo.

    want a female nsa – m4w – 40

    4o hispanic male looking forn some nsa action ,i want a clean ,drug and decease female for fun if u interested hit me back ,race and age unimportant.u pic get mine.i want this to be descreet as possible thanks

    Will you be mine? – 24

    MondayI’ll be arriving in Multnomah County for a month on business and will be back often. Be drug n decease free and ready to show aphoto. Kisses!

    Despite the questionable grammar, I’m going to hazard a guess that ads #1 and #2 are not actually looking for a decease(d) person. Then again, look how much fun the Weekend at Bernie’s franchise makes dead people seem (damn you, Andrew McCarthy!) — I suppose anything is possible.

    Best I can figure out, if someone is decease-free, that means they’re not a zombie or a vampire. And I don’t know about you, but that’s something that I look for in my dating pool.

    Thanks to Imogene, kb, and Jesse for these ads!

  • YSaC, Vol. 413: The only dance she can do is the robot, though.

    Bit of a dreamer – 21

    So.
    I am a very down to earth, FEMALETRAITS2 and kind girl who loves to kiss and cuddle.  I love going out to dance – it’s a great way to interact with someone special, and burns lots of calories!  I’m looking for someone who can make me laugh, which isn’t very hard to do.  .  Let me know if your interested.
    413

    Hooray! The FEMALETRAITS spambot is back! They seem to have gotten a little bit better at it; this one is almost comprehensible! The picture with the Skeletor mask is a little … odd, and there seems to be a sentence missing before the lone random period, but for the most part it’s an improvement. Congratulations, FEMALETRAIT2 spambot guys!

    And of course, I can’t make a spambot post without making a plug for one of my favorite live-action readings of a spambot ad. (Not that I know of any others, mind you.)

    Thanks to “Not From Ithaca” for the submission!

    Oooh, bonus update, just sent in …

    Girl next door with a wild side – 19

    I am Music, Guitars, Drums, Food, Shopping, Social Drinking, No smoking, Quirky, Outgoing, Easy going, Camping, Hikes, and Nature, The beach, Phone conversations. I also like to the meet new peoples and making new friends around me. I love the pet animal. I spend my mostly with my family and friends.
    413b

    What do you think? Spambot? Or idiot? (Or both?)
    [poll id=”5″]

    Thanks to Brett for sending this one in (five minutes ago!) … I am online, thinking, being, posting, sitting, doing. I also like to receive the new posts and making new posts around me!

  • YSaC, Vol. 398: Preserving the sanctity of marriage!

    Lets get married tomorrow – 22

    I decided tomorrow I want to get married, So any takers. Im attractive, not a psycho…well not completly:)- have a job, car, my own place, im very independent…i love sex and my husband will have to be able to keep up with me…ive never wanted to get married…ever. But life is pretty boring right now and i feel like if i get married at least its something exciting. So ur probably wondering if im all these great things why dont I have a man…ha I get asked that everytime i go on a first date. I always dread that question, but truth is once i sleep with the man i lose interest…stupidly. But i figure if im married, that means A this person is as spontaneous as I am, B I cant just walk away…and C hopefully he will satisfy me.
    AND I dont want to get messages saying marriage is sacred I cant do this blah blah blah because to that i say bullshit. Anyone should be allowed to get married to who they choose and get married for whatever reasons they choose. I choose to marry a stranger because maybe that stranger is who im looking for.
    I will send a photo if I recieve a photo…Im looking for someone thats between 21-33, attractive…obviously 🙂 Has their own place, job, ect. Someone who has his shit together but crazy enough to marry a stranger…
    PS i dont cook!

    Mandy sends this one in, saying:

    “What a way to cure boredom… for a day.

    My favorite part about this is that she doesn’t ever go past a first date because she loses interest once she sleeps with the man… at least we know she puts out on the first date.

    Plus, if she gets bored with a guy after sleeping with him once, why not marry him, and be stuck being bored until they inevitably get divorced! That sounds like a fabulous idea!!

    “Life is pretty boring right now.” I imagine her sitting around, thinking to herself, I am so bored tonight. What should I do? Take a walk? See a movie? Have a picnic? Nah… Those don’t sound exciting at all. How about I propose to a stranger? Perfect, boredom resolved.

    So… ANY takers.”

    Yep, that about covers it. I’m sure she sees this as spontaneous and romantic, just like in the movies — and in the movies, things always work out! Sure, there will be a rough patch or two and some obstacles that they’ll have to overcome, but eventually there will be a montage and love will overcome all. I’m sure she’s not considering things like the other crazy people who post personal ads on Craigslist. (Yes, each one of those words is a different link.)