YSaC, Vol. 432: Like watching paint dry.
Please finish painting my room
LOL SO I AM TRYING TO PAINT MY ROOM AND I DONT THINK IM DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB PLEASE HELP
I REALLY DONT HAVE MONEY TO OFFER I JUST STARTED WORKING AND WONT HAVE ANYTHING FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS
ANYONE GENOUROUS ENOUGH TO HELP AND DO IT FOR FREE? I HAVE ALL THE SUPPLIES EXCEPT LADDER AND TAPE
PLEASE HELP AND IF U WANNA SEE PICTURES OF WHAT IVE DONE SO FAR JUST ASK LOL
THIS IS SOO EMBARRASSING
Erin sends this entry from the “volunteers” section, voicing the suspicion that there will be hordes of volunteers knocking on this person’s door for the privilege of putting this on their college application.
I’m just enjoying the mental picture of this person, let’s call him “Bobcat,” talking just as loud as they type at whatever poor friend or relative they eventually con into helping them.
Friend: “OK, first off we need to put down a tarp over here”
Bobcat: “OH WOW I JUST DON’T GET IT THANKS SO MUCH FOR HELPING!”
Friend: “Why are you shouting like that?”
Bobcat: “YOUR JUST SO GENOUROUS!”
Friend: “How on earth did you just manage to SAY the wrong form of ‘You’re?'”
LOL SO I AM TRYING TO FINISH THIS COMMENT AND I DONT THINK IM DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB PLEASE HELP
THIS IS SOO EMBARRASSING
Sure, let me help.
“I am laughing (not on the inside) at this pitiful situation. This comment needs finishing, and with help, it can be completed. With assistance, this would be a terrific comment and I would no longer be embarrassed. Now it is finished.”
See, I am wanting to update my college application with some volunteer work. I am thinking that by helping others with their comments, we are talking about a free pass to M.I.T.
This is all it takes, right?
This person truly is poor. He or she could only afford one punctuation mark in the whole ad. And changing cases in the sentences does drain the ol’ finances, too.
I think this would’ve been better executed as a Tom Sawyer ploy:
HEY! IM PAINTING MY ROOM AND YOUR NOT! WOULDNT YOU LIKE TO BE DOING THIS TOO? IF YOU COME OVER I MIGHT BE GENOROUS AND LET YOU HAVE A TRY, BUT YOU NEED TO GIVE ME SOME TAPE AND A LADDER IN TRADE OTHERWISE NO DEAL.
Any ad beginning with “LOL”* = Automatically Sucking at CL.
*I don’t mind abbreviations, but for some reason I have a particular dislike of this one, Lolcats (I know, I know) excepted.
Amen.
But doesn’t YOUR name start with “Lol?”
Starts … but that’s not an abbreviation! Small, small but critical difference.
I don’t know if this is true, and perhaps someone can verify it, but my daughter told me this story.
A woman was an internet noob and didn’t have a firm grasp on the lingo, and thought “LOL” meant “Lots Of Love”, so she started an e-mail like this:
“I heard about your Mom dying recently. LOL…”
It was a Wall Street Journal article:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203674704574328920789548170.html?mod=yhoofront
so I still can’t vouch for it “being true” but that’s at least where your daughter got it from. (maybe)
my age 60-something parents were just saying how the abbreviations are so confusing, especially since LOL used to mean “lots of love.” must be a generational thing.
As soon as he started his ad with fucking “LOL” my brain just automatically went, “NO.” I can’t help it.
I’d love to know what Bobcat thinks painting entails. I HAVE NO TAPE OR LADDER IM USING MY HANDS AS BRUSHES AND SOFT CHEESE FOR PAINT LOL REALLY HAVE NO MONEY FOR HOME DEPOT WONDER WHY ITS NOT LOOKING SO GREAT
since you brought up the cheese aspect i’m thinking maybe mold?
May I use this opportunity how much I hate someone loling at themselves? Are you that amusing?!
And at the beginning of the ad? Really?
LOL JUST ACCIDENTALLY RAN OVER MY NEIGHBOR
Or possibly (maybe even a little later, after your poster puts up their first ad):
“LOL SO I HAVE THIS DEAD BODY TO GET RID OF DOES ANY1 HAVE A COFFIN THEIR NOT USEING ,,IT WUD BE RLLY GENEREOUS IF YU CUD BRING IT OVER AND HELP ME BURRY THIS DEAD DUDE ,SHOVELLS TO IF YU HAVE ANY MY HANDS ARE TIRED AND DRITY ,IF U WANNA SEE PICTURES OF WHAT IVE DONE SO FAR JUST ASK LOL ,THIS IS SOO EMBARRASSING.”
(I know s/he didn’t put in the weird misplaced commas (it goes before the space, people, NOT AFTER; that is a particular peeve of mine) but it’s the same level of f*ckwittedness, so I added that in for verisimilitude.)
It hurt my head to read that.
Did the DEAD DUDE forget that the space came after the comma? How long has he been dead?(will I need to bring a bucket?) I don’t have any SHOVELLS, but I do have slightly used Tonka trucks, including the dump truck and bulldozer. I’ve already dug the hole, but I don’t want to spend a lot of time filling it in. We can put your body on top of the other one already there and it will only take half as long to fill in.
Did you say Tonkas? I am so there.
Ditto. I am totally down for some Tonka action. I also have a few things (people) I could toss in that hole to help it fill faster… Do you think if we put enough we could make a small hill? We can just say we’re making a pitching mound to keep our arms loose.
I have found in such circumstances that the judicious application of unseasoned compost is best. I have a load of straw soaked in duck manure that I can guarantee no one will EVER want to dig through even if you buried a bag of diamonds and gold nuggets the size of a baby’s head underneath. Excellent for plants once it’s rotted but it can turn your stomach in the ‘raw’ state.
(For the unintiated, domestic ducks do not lay eggs in nice dry houses like chickens.(Well, mine don’t. I don’t know if it’s all domestic ducks or mine are just exceptionally dense.) They lay them wherever they happen to be standing when the urge hits, often in or around the wading pool where they spend most of their time pooping and playing. If you do not find the eggs, they will go bad very quickly and often explode or get stepped on.It is a hellish version of an Easter egg hunt, except you pray you DON’T find a surprise. It is just as pleasant as it sounds. I often gather the straw around the pool without looking and chuck it into the compost pile.)
@Lola – and subsequently:
LOL SO I GOT ARRESTED FOR MURDER AND TRIED TO DEFEND MYSELF. I SUCK AS A LAWYER LOL. IS THERE ANYONE WHO WOULD BE ABLE TO APPEAL THIS CASE FOR ME. I REALLY MESSED IT UP BAD GIVEN THAT I HAVE NO LEGAL TRAINING OR BATHROOM TRAINING WHICH BECAME A PROBLEM DURING THE CASE. I REALLY NEED A LAWYER WILLING TO HELP OUT. LOL.
THIS IS SOOO EMBARRASSING.
Maybe they mean “loll”?
LOLL SO I AM TRYING TO STAND UP STREIT AND I DONT THINK IM DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB PLEASE HELP LOL
SLOWCH I REALLY DONT HAVE MONEY TO OFFER UNLESS YOUVE GOT SOME 420 SLOWCH
BEG ANYONE GULLABEL ENOUGH TO HELP AND DO IT FOR FREE? BEG
HOPEFULL I HAVE ALL THE SUPPLIES EXCEPT FOR WORK ETHIC AND BACKBONE AND PUNKTUASHUN HOPEFULL
JIG THE KIDS BE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS JIG
THIS IS SOO EMBARRASSING
LOL MY DOG IS EATING MY NEIGHBORS AND MY CHICKENS
LOL WERE THERE CLOWNS AND SHEEP AND MiMES INVOLVED?
LOL SO IM TRYIN TO KEEP QUITE AT MY WORKPLAEC BUT YOU PPL KEEP MAKEING ME GIGGEL IM HOPIN SOME1 WILL BE GENOUROUS ENUF TO STOP MAKEING ME CHUKKEL AT MY COMPUETR BECUZ UR GETTIN ME FIERED IF I CANT KEEP THE NOIZE DOWN LOL OH SHIT THERE I GO LOL NO NO LOL IM EMBARASED LOL
LOLSO I GOT THIS FREE BABY AND OTHER STUFF, BUT I JUST DON”T THINK I MAKE A GOOD MOM LOL SHE CRAWLED INTO THE PAINT AND NOW I CAINT FIND HERLOL.
I was wondering what Kayne’s been up to post VMAs…
LOL at the beginning of an ad means
LOOK! OBLIVIOUS LOSER!
The Exclamation points are understood.
LOL! I ALSO NEED SOMEONE TO CLEAN MY BATHROOM – I STARTED AND JUST GOT DEPRESSED. I HAVE A BAR OF SOAP AND SOME PAPER TOWELS – I’VE GOT PICTURES.
Why did he think it would be a good idea to start painting without having all the supplies? Perhaps he had recently re-homed a number of “doxhounds”, decided to dip them in paint, and start flinging them at the walls?
That would make interesting stamping patterns on the wall though. I could see Martha Stewart actually endorsing that.
I see this in my head and start laughing, then my son asks why it’s funny and I realize throwing dogs isn’t funny and I stop laughing. Then I think of Martha Stewart throwing dogs and it’s funny again. I’m hoping the dogs would think it’s funny too and forgive me…
I was thinking of the Weiner Dog Art from the Far Side, not that I would advocate flinging animals against the walls normally. Flinging Martha Stewart dipped in paint is another matter all together…
“Make sure you take a few test stamps on an old rag before you being stamping. this will make sure you get a nice, even stamp on the walls. I like to use an eggshell paint. You can experiment with long hair and short hair doxhounds. You’ll be amazed at the different textures you can achieve…trying using both on a wall for a lovely effect.
Long haired cats can be used if pure bred doxhounds are not available, for a faux doxhound look.
It’s a good thing”.
and yes, I’m now aware of the spelling errors. Dammit work computer…”
Attn: LOL guy
Many people have some trouble with painting. Few people have much trouble with painting. If you had taped and used a ladder, you’d probably be in the latter group. You obviously didn’t and obviously know you should’ve. This makes you too dumb to help. Even my “easily roped into such non-paying jobs out of pity” heart scorns you. Wait two weeks, buy/borrow your supplies and do it the right way, by yourself. Now go away. You’ve made my brain hurt and Serious Cat will have to reset you back to preschool, the time when the rest of us learned to paint.
why is it when i read a post like that – all i can think of is the movie Idiocracy. i dunno.
I wonder if his mom is going to be ok with him bringing complete strangers into her house to help him finish painting his room? And why do I get the strong feeling said room is in the basement?
Right on, Mimi. That’s what I was going to say. He didn’t say, “I am trying to paint my living room” or “I am trying to paint my bedroom”. Just “my room”.
Yes, his mom is going to freak out when the “helpers” start showing up and ask her to show them “the room that needs painting”. Let your imagination run wild picturing the type of people who will soon be knocking on her door wanting to come in.
Especially if they are thinking it’s the sort of paint with “good” fumes.
Oh no! I didn’t think of that! Homeless huffer invasion!
Homeless Huffer Invasion would make an awesome band name.
Why do I picture him using a watercolor set, like I used in elementary school art class, to paint his room?
I’m surprised he’s not using crayons. Not good crayons either, crappy crayons like Prangs or Sargents.
Blech-coloured crayons.
LOL, WHEN UR DUN PAINTING, I CULD ALSO USE SOME HEPL WITH THE BREAKS ON MY CAR THATS ANOTHER JOBB I STARRTET WITHOUT NOING WAT I WUZ DOING PLEZ HALP
I had to work pretty hard to spell that poorly and now my head hurts too.
LOL I AM SO EMBARRASSED I NEED SOMEONE TO LAY THIS CARPET AND FIX MY PLUMBING…LOL I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT I CANT PAY YOU OR ANYTHING OH YEAH LOL CAN U ALSO PLZ CLEAN MY KITCHEN AND FOLD MY LAUNDRY K THX
Heh heh! I love it. And I have this lawnmower that I need someone to come over every two weeks because I don’t know what I am doing. And I have this huge pile of roofing material…
don forget to take out the garbije.
I still maintain that there are 3 groups of people who still use LOL:
1) People who are actually laughing out loud and want to express this in 3 letters. (approx. 1% of the demographic)
2) People who are being polite when a mildly funny situation occures and they want to express their internal amusement without actually uttering an audible laugh. (3% of the demographic)
3) People who do not realize that using lol at the beginning and end of every sentence is extremely annoying. They further fail to realize that doing this does not make the unamusing refuse they shovel between the lols actually funny. (96% of the demographic; includes lolcats).
I just might, MIGHT, be slighly irritated at the prevelance of LOL being used in failed attempts at increasing the comedic value of things that, at their core, are not even remotely funny.
-Taco
It seems to me that LOL is used nowadays as a sort of spelled-out punctuation; a sort of absurdity mark or an accent mark. I’ve seen someone say, “My dog died lol”. Completely ridiculous.
I met an awesome guy and we went on two dates before the first email was exchanged. And even though we’d hit it off in person, I couldn’t get over all the LOLs he threw around in his emails. It’s shallow, but if you can’t write one sentence without giving me the mental image that you’re giggling maniacally about how humid the week has been, it’s just not happening. Now I give out my email address rather than my phone number when I meet a guy.
Oh, wow. That’d be a deal-breaker for me too.
I have to agree. It just seems deranged. I mean, more deranged than I look for in potential suitors. LOL <—— [Please note the joke I made here. Can you imagine how madcap I am? Can you even begin to fathom the fun I am in person?]
I used Match.com to screen potential suitors*. Communicating by email initially allowed me to weed out 85% of the applicants IMMEDIATELY as being in danger of homicide if I were forced to spend any time with them. Spelling, grammar, and expressiveness of written communication all counted to some degree.
*Translation: to meet people I didn’t work with.
Actually I didn’t even realize it when I posted originally, but this guy actually pulled off the LOL sandwich that I so detest. You’ll notice he begins and ends his… thought?… with LOL, and fills the space between with detritus that while sad, is not funny.
The only thing not in the sandwich is the very appropriate phrase: “THIS IS SOO EMBARRASSING” in which he actually spells embarrassing correctly.
Does anyone else picture the LOL-writer with his tongue lolling out of his mouth while he laughs? Because I always do, whenever I see it printed. And I’ve just realized how deep my dislike of LOL runs.
LOL is a dealbreaker for me as well.
I see it at the end of a sentence and think the person is one who laughs at the end of everything he says, whether it’s funny or not. I find that these people usually do not have a sense of humor, are easily offended and can NEVER take a joke. They’re either the “dish it out but can’t take it” crew, or super serious, which makes the laughing bizarre in a James Bond villian way.
At the BEGINNNING of a sentence it’s even worse. To me, it’s a glaring neon sign that says, “I AM ABOUT TO BE A DOUCHEBAG HERE AND SAY SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW I’M A COMPLETE ASSCLOWN. But I put LOL at the beginning, so it’s okay….because I’m AWARE that I’m and assclown”.
This is nothing more than an open invitation to having walls that look like a spastic ass monkey painted them.
Oooh..Jess I think you’ve hit on something. Do you think I could find a spastic ass monkey to paint a portrait of a spastic ass monkey on the wall in my room? I’ll bet it would come out looking like a Van Gogh or Picasso. That would be awesome!
I just want to know if “spastic” is modifying “ass” or “monkey” in that sentence.
Spastic is definitely modifying monkey. For further clarification, whenever I try to paint my boyfriend of twelve years refers to my efforts as looking as though they were done by a spastic monkey. To which I reply “Well yours look as though they were done by a spastic ass monkey”. This usually devolves into someone being called a herpes infested monkey fucker. Painting is fun around here!
So it’s more “spastic ass-monkey” than “spastic-ass monkey”?
http://xkcd.com/37/
As long as it’s not a spastic colon ass monkey.
Yes and extra points for the xkcd reference. Anal dwelling butt monkeys are also a common reference, i.e. “When anal dwelling butt monkeys fly out of my ass!”. Completely redundant I know, but we’re not exactly normal. The fact that our arguments involve monkey insults may have tipped you off to that.
Actually, monkey insults are common around these parts,too, but my sister works at a zoo, so it’s to be expected.
And now that I think more of it, spastic colon ass monkeys might be an actual painting tool, if aimed properly.
Do you have any artwork for sale?
Thankfully I only paint on walls, but if I did have artwork I’d be sure to sell it exclusively on CL.
Spastic ass monkey wall – good name for a rock band…
Herpes Infested Monkey Fucker can be the title of their first album.
I’ve heard this ad verbalized. I’m pretty sure my younger brother wrote it. And, after seeing his room, I’m even more certain. Also, he’s probably stoned, so if you help he might share. (Fully expecting, in that case, that the room won’t get finished with help either, but it might get his fridge cleaned out.)
If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a (spastic ass) monkey. Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
Hooray for the Barenaked Ladies reference!
LOL MY DOG HAD REAALLY BAD DIARRHEA IN MY YARD LOL AND I CAN”T FIGURE OUT WAT END OF THE BAG 2 OPEN AND WHAT 2 DO WITH THIS CRAP ALL OVER MY YARD> SO IF ANYONE WANTS ,TO COME CLEAN IT UP I’D REAALLY APPRECIATE THE HELP BECAUSE I HATE HAVIN DOG POO ON MY SHOES AFTER I WALK THRU MY YARD TO GET TO MY FRESHLY, PAINTED APARTMENT IN THE “LOWER LEVEL”. SO EMBARRASSED. LOL.
I wouldn’t want a spastic-ass monkey, that’s for sure. They fling poo.
Thank you for purchasing the Spastic Ass Monkey (TM), the Monkey That Makes Household Painting Effortless And Fun.
Directions for use: Feed monkey 1 gallon of paint (any color). Feed monkey laxative-laced banana (sold seperately). Wait patiently 2 to 4 hours, or until you can hear borborygmi emanating from the monkey’s lower intestine.
Aim monkey’s rear end at wall where paint application is desired, and wait for the Magic (TM) to happen. For maxiumum paint coverage on all walls and ceilings, purchase Spastic Ass Monkey Rotating Turret (also sold seperately).
Borborygmi. Bravo.
So how high is this person? This is why you should never go to Home Depot stoned, you leave with half a dozen sample paints and one brush and wonder why your wall looks like shiiiiit.
You commenters are effin’ geniuses.
Best part of the blog, as far as I’m concerned. 😉
I agree. Except for the snarky commentary that comes free with each sucky ad.
Except for the snarky commentary that comes free with each sucky ad. … but isn’t part of the fun??
Only blog where I read or write any comments.
“Friend: “How on earth did you just manage to SAY the wrong form of ‘You’re?’””
Holy fuck monkeys, that line almost made me piss my pants! XD
“Holy fuck monkey” now that’s a breed of monkey I’m completely unfamiliar with.
It’s totally on the internet. I saw it once. And now I can never unsee it.
Thank you for purchasing the Holy Fuck Monkey (TM); the adult novelty that makes sexual intimacy easy and fun!
Nah, never mind, I won’t go there after all 🙂
I’m betting dollars to donuts that that:
A) This is a girl. I don’t think a guy would put “SOOOOO EMBARRASSING”. It reads like a woman in her teens or early twenties. Of course, I’m amazed at the women I talk to in their 40’s who have regressed to this level. “OMG. LOL. STFU”. Makes me ashamed of my gender.
B) This “person” opened a can of paint, failed to or barely stirred the paint, pulled out a brush, and started right smack dap in the middle of the wall. Now they can’t figure out why one can of paint isn’t going to cover an 18 X 23 room. “Well, on HGTV I only ever see one can of paint…and they do a whole room in 24 minutes….”
I’m betting they’re also trying to paint white over black (or some other dark color) in one coat. Interesting look, but not quite what they want.