YSaC, Vol 443: I want a new drug.

2009 October 3

Today we have some “wanted” ads from the “Unrealistic Expectations” department:

Free Boat Wanted


looking for a unwanted boat with little work needed if possible. Good way to get rid of a unwanted boat.

I would have to disagree. Engaging in some sort of financial transaction where one is compensated for the value of one’s unwanted boat seems a good way to get rid of it. Giving it away to a random yahoo on Craigslist, less so.

!!!need anything & everything!!!


welling to pick up free stuff….anything and everything…

Really? You’re willing to pick up everything? Where would you put it? Couldn’t you at least leave the rest of us an ottoman or something to sit on?

looking for bicycle with baby


men size preferable

just needs to be sturdy

I, for one, would be very frightened by a sturdy, men size baby. Even if Rick Moranis was doing the voiceover.

need a sexy gril – m4w – 28


i need a sexy gril that just wants fun and will do any thing send pic to get one hope thing work out

Boy, there’s just no hope for any of these folks. Or IS there? Matt, who sent the above post, has very kindly offered some assistance:

Electric Grill – $20


Never used.
443

Matt observes: “A self respecting gril would never be used. It does look fun, though!” And it did send a pic, so that’s a plus, right?

Thanks to midnight_snow_white_queen, Sarah, Oliver, and Matt for the submissions!

41 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 3
    JcT permalink

    Someone is coming over this morning; I am going to work on their computer. They’re late. People, if someone is nice enough to work on your computer, be on time, ok? -scoots soapbox back to original place-

    So let’s touch on these.

    Unwanted boats are an epidemic in this country. I see them chained to trees and even cinder blocks in people’s driveways. We need a ribbon or a wristband or something to stop this horrible tragedy. I’m not going to make fun of this guy; he is a wonderful person for helping.

    So the next guy is “welling” to pick up everything? So he has dug a deep hole, and wants stuff to fill it? Man, I have a BUNCH of crap for him. I wonder how big is his truck?

    I have an old sturdy bike for the next guy. However, if he comes anywhere NEAR my baby, I’m going to kick his butt. What a FREAK.

    I happen to think my gril is very sexy. It’s a guy thing; you ladies wouldn’t understand. However, it doesn’t “do any thing”, it just cooks stuff. “hope thing work out” for him.

    Adores: 19
  2. 2009 October 3
    Mimi permalink

    Dan, you should know by now that there is no such thing as an ottoman. He may be able to spare an audubon for you though. And since he wants “everything” he should look up that person selling and entire English village…

    Adores: 4
  3. 2009 October 3
    pixie721 permalink

    No, no, no. You’ve completely misunderstood the post. The bicycle needs to be “men size,” the baby needs to be sturdy. After all, you wouldn’t want to get one of those cheap, foreign made babies that fall apart after a year.

    Again with the free babies! When will people realize that a baby is worth a lot of money?

    Adores: 24
  4. 2009 October 3
    pixie721 permalink

    Matt needs to play cupid and hook a brother up. All he has to do is send that Fun Grill post, with pic, to the man looking for a sexy, fun gril. The Fun Grill hasn’t ever been used, so it is guaranteed to be disease free.

    Adores: 11
  5. 2009 October 3
    Lisa permalink

    Notice the guy is only willing to ‘pick up free stuff’. He never says he will take it away.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 3
      dan permalink

      Of course this begs the question, if he only picks up free stuff, could he pick up yesterday’s table? It’s for sale AND free. It’s for sale AND free. It’s for sale AND free.

      Adores: 16
      • 2009 October 3
        drmk permalink

        And thus we come to an ontological argument.

        Adores: 3
  6. 2009 October 3
    Windrose permalink

    free boat free boat free boat free boat free boat free boat free boat free boat.
    I also think the third poster is looking for a bicycle with his baby. They are both looking for it, and it must pass the baby’s strict requirements. Sturdy, men sized, can be used as changing table in a pinch. free boat free boat free boat.

    Adores: 12
  7. 2009 October 3
    Count Blah permalink

    Thanks to the title of this post, I now have Weird Al’s “I Want a New Duck” on continuous repeat in my head.

    The “sexy gril” ad bugs me the most. There are hundreds of ads like that on Craigslist–hundreds of guys who fervently believe in some secret society of horny women who want to be completely objectified and have no regard for personal safety. I saw one once where the dude had an anonymous-handjob-in-the-car fantasy and wanted a woman to wait on some desolate deserted street so he could pull up next to her, be serviced, and drive away. Yes, FOR FREE. I should find the hubris hilarious but mostly it just bums me out.

    And how hard is it to proofread a four word subject line?

    Adores: 17
    • 2009 October 3

      Count Blah, I too am flabbergasted by the amount of men who seem to think that there are women out there who are eager to provide anonymous, free sexual services – all they need to do is ask.

      It’s just proof that those man have never had an actual relationship with a female before, or else they would understand how ridiculous such a proposition sounds.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 3
        Lola permalink

        My impression of these unrealistic expectations is that many are down to the ‘story’ such as it is in pornographic films. I don’t watch any (I’m a reader …) so my info is secondhand, but the pretence for the sex is some contrived situation where a guy meets a hot gril (propane or charcoal, rather than George Forman, I suspect) and then within moments They Are At It, despite being strangers, essentially. So their impression of women, if these men are relationship-inexperienced, is that we’re all – especially if hot – walking around looking for immediate, anonymous encounters. Oh, and we’re insatiable, easily satisfied and good at [sexual act of their choice]. So … clearly if we’ll do it for free, why spend money on us? Just place a CL ad! We’ll flock to them.
        Or not. Loserish ads abound on CL (cf. title of this site) but these strike me as particularly resistable. My facial expression probably rather resembles JcT’s avatar cat, who is definitely contemplating “reset.”

        Adores: 17
        • 2009 October 3
          Count Blah permalink

          I think these ideas are modeled after porn, too.

          The icing on the cake is that many (not all, though, so I do maintain a little faith in humankind) of these guys’ posts are all about what you can do for them. The woman’s orgasms are strangely absent from the equation.

          So…I guess any woman who responded would indeed be “insatiable”. Or, wait, I mean “unsatisfied”. But that’s the same thing, right? 😛

          Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 5
      Miki permalink

      See, here’s the thing. There ARE women out there like that. Seriously. A lot of daddies miss a lot of ballet recitals or forget birthdays or whatever the hell clicks in someone’s childhood that makes them want to give strangers drive-thru handjobs or get peed on or dress up like Disney style animals and do the nasty. Those “Sexually Liberated” (see: skanky) women are not on Craigslist though. Those women are out getting freaky with whoever they feel like because they’re women and and it’s not like it’s hard for us to get laid, especially if you’re one of those women that enjoys anonymous sex with creepy dudes.

      Then again, guys are into weird things too, and maybe this dude actually wants to stick his shmackle in a George Foreman grill…

      Adores: 3
  8. 2009 October 3

    I once had a free boat. It cost me over $15,000 to get it floating………

    Adores: 9
    • 2009 October 3
      kristen55 permalink

      I had a free boat once. When I realized it was going to cost $15k to get it back on the water I gave it away free on CL. Two months later I got a call from the state police asking why I had abandoned my boat 6 hours north in the middle of nowhere. Luckily I had my paperwork in order. Damn CL’ers can’t even handle taking away a free boat without causing me trouble!

      Adores: 9
  9. 2009 October 3
    DanTM permalink

    That bike post intrigues me in so many ways. I think I have the solution for the guy:

    An adult tandem (“men-sized”) bicycle with an additional baby seat (baby included), and instead of wheels, it’s held by vice grip to a steel bar embedded in two cinder blocks at each end. (“just needs to be sturdy” – he didn’t say functional)

    So if anyone knows anyone who wants to give one of those away…

    Adores: 1
  10. 2009 October 3

    Are you tired of your money? Do you feel being a billionaire is too much stress? I am willing to take ALL your cash and assets off your hands – and I ask for nothing in return. You can thank me with further cash, should you acquire more.

    Adores: 30
    • 2009 October 4
      JcT permalink

      Yay Monica! If guys can grow up thinking there are women out there who have no interest in sex other than satisfying a stranger, it is think it is great for women to think there are guys out there who fantasize about giving money to a stranger! I want to see more of these kinds of Craigslist ads out there. I’m thinking:

      “I am a young single woman who has always fantisized about a rich guy getting into my car, reaching into his pants pocket and pulling out his BIG WALLET and giving it to me hard and fast, and then getting out and walking away with his tight pants hugging his hot butt. If this sounds like something you would be interested in, e-mail me and I promise I will satisfy your desire! Please send picture of your wallet.”

      Adores: 18
      • 2009 October 4

        These ads exist, I promise you.

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 October 4
          JcT permalink

          WOW. Well, then maybe I need to think about it, too…

          “I am a good-looking young man who has a fantasy about a rich widow stripping down her bank account and giving it to me long and deep. I know you want to give it to me, and you want it BAD. I promise I won’t bother you afterwards, unless you desire to give it to me again and again until there is no more to give.”

          Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 4
        Lola permalink

        As I was reading this scenario, “Roxanne” was playing on the radio. That’s some neatly apropos Synchronicity.

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 October 4
          JcT permalink

          It works for me!

          Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light
          Roxanne, you just have to hand over your mon-ey

          Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 4

        Jct, I think both of our ads were way to coherant for CL.

        Perhaps:

        Subject: $from him to I

        Im an 8trackive whoaman. Do u want 2 be scene with me?

        I will B your grilfrend for $.

        No sex offers. PErVErts. C-re-so offers ONELY!

        Adores: 4
        • 2009 October 4
          JcT permalink

          How do you do that? My brain refuses to allow my fingers to type that poorly.

          Adores: 3
        • 2009 November 29

          I like “8trackive.” Makes me think she’s into outmoded audio formats.

          Adores: 10
  11. 2009 October 3

    “Looking for bicycle with baby”

    Unfortunately, my bicycle comes without a baby.

    Sorry.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 4
      jackie31337 permalink

      Well you know, when a ladies’ bike and a men’s bike love each other very much….

      Adores: 13
      • 2009 October 4
        Cled permalink

        …they have a baby gril?

        Adores: 16
    • 2009 October 4

      I’m afraid my bicycle’s tubes were clipped.

      No more baby bicycles.

      It was getting out of hand. I had to do it. Do you know how hard it is to leave a little bicycle on the side of the road?

      I’m just not that hard-hearted.

      Adores: 12
      • 2012 December 1

        I wish more people did that with their boats. Then we’d solve the problem of unwanted boats. There aren’t enough marinas for them all.

        Adores: 2
  12. 2009 October 3

    And once again, we have the same circular problem: An unwanted boat wanted; A free table for sale – what’s next? Jumbo shrimp?

    Adores: 14
  13. 2009 October 4
    jackie31337 permalink

    Congratulations, It a Gril!

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 October 5
      DooeyD permalink

      Woot, CakeWrecks reference!

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 10
      Shark Blank permalink

      That was my immediate thought also.

      Adores: 0
  14. 2009 October 5

    I think post #2 was written by a bored Wall-e unit.

    Adores: 4
  15. 2012 December 1

    What does a baby bicycle look like? Does it originally look like a skateboard and then undergo metamorphosis?

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 December 1
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Actually, it looks like a plastic tricycle, which enlarges and becomes metallic as it matures, grows a rear central wheel, and then loses the now-vestigial rear side wheels. The juvenile bicycle then enters a period of rutting, off-roading, and the generally tumultuous bicycle mating season where it may shed parts, riders, and add baseball cards in the spokes, while it crashes repeatedly into other bicycles.

      Adores: 5
  16. 2012 December 1
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Hmm… looking for free everything?

    I have this cold I’ve contracted, which I’ll gladly give away for free…

    Adores: 2
  17. 2012 December 2

    Rebecca and Archie, excellent contributions, sorry you box time was so short. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Sleazy Rider!

    Adores: 0

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