YSaC, Vol. 451: Shake the decease.

2009 October 11
by drmk

Looking for MR. Right Now – 28

How are you, I’m looking for a attractive guy to keep me busy and entertain my wild desires on call. Lately my life has been a tire so I’m up for dirt biking too. Please be decease and drug free and reply to this ad with photo.

want a female nsa – m4w – 40

4o hispanic male looking forn some nsa action ,i want a clean ,drug and decease female for fun if u interested hit me back ,race and age unimportant.u pic get mine.i want this to be descreet as possible thanks

Will you be mine? – 24

MondayI’ll be arriving in Multnomah County for a month on business and will be back often. Be drug n decease free and ready to show aphoto. Kisses!

Despite the questionable grammar, I’m going to hazard a guess that ads #1 and #2 are not actually looking for a decease(d) person. Then again, look how much fun the Weekend at Bernie’s franchise makes dead people seem (damn you, Andrew McCarthy!) — I suppose anything is possible.

Best I can figure out, if someone is decease-free, that means they’re not a zombie or a vampire. And I don’t know about you, but that’s something that I look for in my dating pool.

Thanks to Imogene, kb, and Jesse for these ads!

39 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 11
    Mimi permalink

    Putting all the “decease”-ness aside, I’m truly curious about what type of tire has become the metaphore for her life. Perhaps it’s a nubby dirt-bike tire which would explain her affinity for the sport.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 October 11
      lost_compass permalink

      Lately my life has been a tire, too.

      Out of alignment, can’t seem to get a grip… I’m balding and overinflated and under too much pressure. It hasn’t been a Goodyear.

      This ad gives me renewed hope. All I need is Ms. Right Now, and a dirt bike.

      Adores: 67
      • 2009 October 11
        Windrose permalink


        If I wasn’t married I’d be making a play for you! Awesome paronomasia!

        Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 11
        lareina permalink

        Perhaps you just need to release your…’valve.’ I know a guy on Craigslist who can help.

        If the injector doesn’t work, ask for the ‘OTHER valve injector,’ snigger and wink conspiratorially. He’ll know what you mean.

        Adores: 19
  2. 2009 October 11
    2Sly4U permalink

    Typically I like my wild desire fulfillers to be decease free too. Lack of a heart beat is a serious bummer–not to mention all the odors–SERIOUS mood kill, folks.

    But the second (married) poster wants a dead drugee? I can think of a few… I think he will have a better time of it, though it is hard to take a picture of yourself when you are dead. Rigor mortis and all that. Can’t get the camera at a good angle.

    And is it just me, or is the third one open to ALL possibilities. No gender/sex/species mentioned…so free-for-all? Huh.

    Adores: 3
  3. 2009 October 11
    Mac permalink

    I always wanted someone decease-free….then I could call them my immortal beloved.

    Adores: 17
    • 2009 October 11
      lareina permalink

      And if you decided to make ‘Endless Love’ your song, for once it wouldn’t be an overstatement.

      Adores: 1
  4. 2009 October 11
    JcT permalink

    I guess the Zombie Invasion has begun. Now the dating ads are requiring non-Zombies only. I think the dead leaders are probably going to file suit against this discrimination; after all, Zombies are people too! They’re just a little down on their luck, life-wise. I have heard that “Once you go dead, they’ll be all in your head”, so maybe these folks need to be a little more open-minded about with whom they’d like to spend their time, you know? I mean, they’re acting like their brains are going to hurt if they take a chance with one of these lonely Zombies or something! These people need to stick their necks out a little, experience un-life!

    It does give a new meaning to “pleasures of the flesh”, doesn’t it?

    Adores: 16
    • 2009 October 11
      Miss C permalink

      or check out any of a number off books by Terry Pratchett which contain a character Reg Shoe, an undead lawyer who petitions constantly for “dead rights.”

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 11
        Igor The Vigorous permalink

        I love Terry Pratchett, Reg Shoe, and Bethesda. (For their use of ghouls.)

        Adores: 0
  5. 2009 October 11
    Cled permalink

    Being both lightyears from… from… well, from whatever it is these people are looking for and a card-carrying geek, I looked up NSA to see what the comma-challenged gent in the middle was looking for. Thing is, there are too many possiblities:

    Is he looking for North Slope of Alaska action? National Stroke Association action looks like a good possiblity. Or perhaps he wants to hook up with the National Sheep Association? (As 2Sly4U pointed out, no gender or species are specified.)

    Sign me,

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 11
      Heather permalink

      Dear Clueless,

      I believe that the poster is asking for “no strings attached.” Realistically, however, strings would be a big help in a decease relationship (to animate it, as it were).

      Adores: 21
      • 2009 October 12
        queensbee permalink

        MUPPETS!! they must be looking for muppets! deceased muppets….but i digress.

        Adores: 8
  6. 2009 October 11

    I like how the first post also throws in dirt biking! Ha!

    Adores: 2
  7. 2009 October 11
    Ed Snyder permalink

    If you want NSA action, you have to threaten to blow something up in your Craigslist ad. A lot of talk of bombs, assassinations, and terror plots will be noticed by their Echelon software. Plenty of NSA fun awaits you.

    Adores: 18
  8. 2009 October 11
    Katy permalink

    Proof that this whole Twilight thing has gotten WAY out of hand…

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 11
      Igor the Vigorous permalink

      I agree, Katy…
      Drmk, though, has had the good graces to prove to us yet again that she isn’t a teenaged girl with her “Best I can figure out, if someone is decease-free, that means they’re not a zombie or a vampire. And I don’t know about you, but that’s something that I look for in my dating pool.” comment. 😛

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 11
        Windrose permalink

        Wouldn’t zombies and vampires be looking for decease free people to prey upon? Is this proof that “Looking for MRN,” “Want a Female NSA,” and “Will You be Mine?” are all in one of those categories? Horrors! Everybody Panic!

        Adores: 3
  9. 2009 October 11
    neverfirst permalink

    I AM decease and looking for an attractive guy to keep me busy. Where’s the love?

    Adores: 5
  10. 2009 October 11
    dan permalink


    Adores: 17
  11. 2009 October 11
    Count Blah permalink

    YAY for Depeche Mode-inspired post titles. <3

    Adores: 3
  12. 2009 October 11
    Cookieput permalink

    On a different note, I live in Portland, OR in Multnomah County. The possibility of having a recurring, mystery house guest for over a month is thrilling, however I’m hesitant to agree to be his/hers. While he/she doesn’t care whether I’m male or female, I *do* have asthma and take Zyrtec for my allergies. Do I have to be completely drug- and disease-free?

    Adores: 8
  13. 2009 October 11
    Raoul permalink

    Perhaps “my life has been a tire so I’m up for dirt biking too” simply means she wants to be jumped, ridden hard up and down, and doesn’t mind if things get dirty.

    Adores: 14
    • 2009 October 11
      Igor The Vigorous permalink

      That is most definitely what she meant…
      And in this case, I’m up for dirt biking too!

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 11
      Lo W. permalink

      “Dirt biking,” is that what they’re calling it these days?
      *buys helmet, just to be safe*
      *places CL ad requesting ‘dirt bike’ companion*

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 October 12
        Igor The Vigorous permalink

        -Responds enthusiastically to Lola’s ad-
        Someone order a teenaged poolboy?

        Adores: 1
      • 2009 October 13
        Meredith permalink

        Hey, DOT’s got a helmet for you! A white one!!!

        Adores: 1
  14. 2009 October 11
    SoundsLikeVla permalink

    Wouldn’t one of the amorous femaletraits bots be decease-free?

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 October 11
      Cazio permalink

      Immortal robot love is the sweetest love of all.

      Adores: 8
      • 2009 October 11
        Igor The Vigorous permalink

        What? Is? Love?…. Concept does not match pre-existing data.

        Adores: 2
  15. 2009 October 11
    Mrphysic permalink

    Decease free means that there should be no stiff bits (from rigor mortis) – clearly important to some people.

    Or maybe it’s a complaint from guys that have slept with British women – who just lie there – they want their partner to not be such a corpse in the bedroom.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 12
      frigglesnitz permalink

      No stiff bits? Um, well, shouldn’t there be at least…I mean to say,…er, how to put this delicately…

      If you’re going to go dirt-biking, shouldn’t you have a kick stand?

      Adores: 15
  16. 2009 October 11
    Jen permalink

    My question re: the third one is why, when the anonny mouse OP turns up in Multnomah County you have to “be prepared to show a photo”… So, they turn up, you meet, and _then_ you whip out a photo, hand it to them and say “…and that’s what I look like. Interested?”

    Adores: 17
  17. 2009 October 12
    pixie721 permalink

    What does a corpse have to do to get a little action? I’m really disappointed by their blatant bigotry. The undead and the dead are people too.

    Adores: 4
  18. 2009 October 13
    jackie31337 permalink

    I always get a very interesting mental image when I read “nsa action”. I thought I was the only one with that fantasy, but Craigslist has shown me I’m not alone.

    Adores: 2
  19. 2009 November 5
    Joe permalink

    Well, you know how hard it is for me to shake the decease that takes hold of my tongue in situations like these. Understand me. Understand me.

    Adores: 0

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