You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 451: Shake the decease.

Written by

drmk

in

Looking for MR. Right Now – 28

How are you, I’m looking for a attractive guy to keep me busy and entertain my wild desires on call. Lately my life has been a tire so I’m up for dirt biking too. Please be decease and drug free and reply to this ad with photo.

want a female nsa – m4w – 40

4o hispanic male looking forn some nsa action ,i want a clean ,drug and decease female for fun if u interested hit me back ,race and age unimportant.u pic get mine.i want this to be descreet as possible thanks

Will you be mine? – 24

MondayI’ll be arriving in Multnomah County for a month on business and will be back often. Be drug n decease free and ready to show aphoto. Kisses!

Despite the questionable grammar, I’m going to hazard a guess that ads #1 and #2 are not actually looking for a decease(d) person. Then again, look how much fun the Weekend at Bernie’s franchise makes dead people seem (damn you, Andrew McCarthy!) — I suppose anything is possible.

Best I can figure out, if someone is decease-free, that means they’re not a zombie or a vampire. And I don’t know about you, but that’s something that I look for in my dating pool.

Thanks to Imogene, kb, and Jesse for these ads!

Comments

39 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 451: Shake the decease.”

  1. Mimi Avatar
    Mimi

    Putting all the “decease”-ness aside, I’m truly curious about what type of tire has become the metaphore for her life. Perhaps it’s a nubby dirt-bike tire which would explain her affinity for the sport.

    1. lost_compass Avatar
      lost_compass

      Lately my life has been a tire, too.

      Out of alignment, can’t seem to get a grip… I’m balding and overinflated and under too much pressure. It hasn’t been a Goodyear.

      This ad gives me renewed hope. All I need is Ms. Right Now, and a dirt bike.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Lost,

        If I wasn’t married I’d be making a play for you! Awesome paronomasia!

      2. lareina Avatar
        lareina

        Perhaps you just need to release your…’valve.’ I know a guy on Craigslist who can help.

        If the injector doesn’t work, ask for the ‘OTHER valve injector,’ snigger and wink conspiratorially. He’ll know what you mean.

  2. 2Sly4U Avatar
    2Sly4U

    Typically I like my wild desire fulfillers to be decease free too. Lack of a heart beat is a serious bummer–not to mention all the odors–SERIOUS mood kill, folks.

    But the second (married) poster wants a dead drugee? I can think of a few… I think he will have a better time of it, though it is hard to take a picture of yourself when you are dead. Rigor mortis and all that. Can’t get the camera at a good angle.

    And is it just me, or is the third one open to ALL possibilities. No gender/sex/species mentioned…so free-for-all? Huh.

  3. Mac Avatar
    Mac

    I always wanted someone decease-free….then I could call them my immortal beloved.

    1. lareina Avatar
      lareina

      And if you decided to make ‘Endless Love’ your song, for once it wouldn’t be an overstatement.

  4. JcT Avatar
    JcT

    I guess the Zombie Invasion has begun. Now the dating ads are requiring non-Zombies only. I think the dead leaders are probably going to file suit against this discrimination; after all, Zombies are people too! They’re just a little down on their luck, life-wise. I have heard that “Once you go dead, they’ll be all in your head”, so maybe these folks need to be a little more open-minded about with whom they’d like to spend their time, you know? I mean, they’re acting like their brains are going to hurt if they take a chance with one of these lonely Zombies or something! These people need to stick their necks out a little, experience un-life!

    It does give a new meaning to “pleasures of the flesh”, doesn’t it?

    1. Miss C Avatar
      Miss C

      or check out any of a number off books by Terry Pratchett which contain a character Reg Shoe, an undead lawyer who petitions constantly for “dead rights.”

      1. Igor The Vigorous Avatar
        Igor The Vigorous

        I love Terry Pratchett, Reg Shoe, and Bethesda. (For their use of ghouls.)

  5. Cled Avatar
    Cled

    Being both lightyears from… from… well, from whatever it is these people are looking for and a card-carrying geek, I looked up NSA to see what the comma-challenged gent in the middle was looking for. Thing is, there are too many possiblities:

    Is he looking for North Slope of Alaska action? National Stroke Association action looks like a good possiblity. Or perhaps he wants to hook up with the National Sheep Association? (As 2Sly4U pointed out, no gender or species are specified.)

    Sign me,
    Clueless

    1. Heather Avatar
      Heather

      Dear Clueless,

      I believe that the poster is asking for “no strings attached.” Realistically, however, strings would be a big help in a decease relationship (to animate it, as it were).

      1. queensbee Avatar
        queensbee

        MUPPETS!! they must be looking for muppets! deceased muppets….but i digress.

  6. Ray Avatar
    Ray

    I like how the first post also throws in dirt biking! Ha!

  7. Ed Snyder Avatar
    Ed Snyder

    If you want NSA action, you have to threaten to blow something up in your Craigslist ad. A lot of talk of bombs, assassinations, and terror plots will be noticed by their Echelon software. Plenty of NSA fun awaits you.

  8. Katy Avatar
    Katy

    Proof that this whole Twilight thing has gotten WAY out of hand…

    1. Igor the Vigorous Avatar
      Igor the Vigorous

      I agree, Katy…
      Drmk, though, has had the good graces to prove to us yet again that she isn’t a teenaged girl with her “Best I can figure out, if someone is decease-free, that means they’re not a zombie or a vampire. And I don’t know about you, but that’s something that I look for in my dating pool.” comment. 😛

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Wouldn’t zombies and vampires be looking for decease free people to prey upon? Is this proof that “Looking for MRN,” “Want a Female NSA,” and “Will You be Mine?” are all in one of those categories? Horrors! Everybody Panic!

  9. neverfirst Avatar
    neverfirst

    I AM decease and looking for an attractive guy to keep me busy. Where’s the love?

  10. dan Avatar
    dan

    BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!!!!

    1. Meredith Avatar
      Meredith

      BOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!

  11. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    YAY for Depeche Mode-inspired post titles. <3

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Yay for someone getting them!

  12. Cookieput Avatar
    Cookieput

    On a different note, I live in Portland, OR in Multnomah County. The possibility of having a recurring, mystery house guest for over a month is thrilling, however I’m hesitant to agree to be his/hers. While he/she doesn’t care whether I’m male or female, I *do* have asthma and take Zyrtec for my allergies. Do I have to be completely drug- and disease-free?

  13. Raoul Avatar
    Raoul

    Perhaps “my life has been a tire so I’m up for dirt biking too” simply means she wants to be jumped, ridden hard up and down, and doesn’t mind if things get dirty.

    1. Igor The Vigorous Avatar
      Igor The Vigorous

      That is most definitely what she meant…
      And in this case, I’m up for dirt biking too!

    2. Lo W. Avatar
      Lo W.

      “Dirt biking,” is that what they’re calling it these days?
      *buys helmet, just to be safe*
      *places CL ad requesting ‘dirt bike’ companion*

      1. Igor The Vigorous Avatar
        Igor The Vigorous

        -Responds enthusiastically to Lola’s ad-
        Someone order a teenaged poolboy?

      2. Meredith Avatar
        Meredith

        Hey, DOT’s got a helmet for you! A white one!!!

  14. SoundsLikeVla Avatar
    SoundsLikeVla

    Wouldn’t one of the amorous femaletraits bots be decease-free?

    1. Cazio Avatar
      Cazio

      Immortal robot love is the sweetest love of all.

      1. Igor The Vigorous Avatar
        Igor The Vigorous

        What? Is? Love?…. Concept does not match pre-existing data.

  15. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    Decease free means that there should be no stiff bits (from rigor mortis) – clearly important to some people.

    Or maybe it’s a complaint from guys that have slept with British women – who just lie there – they want their partner to not be such a corpse in the bedroom.

    1. frigglesnitz Avatar
      frigglesnitz

      No stiff bits? Um, well, shouldn’t there be at least…I mean to say,…er, how to put this delicately…

      If you’re going to go dirt-biking, shouldn’t you have a kick stand?

  16. Jen Avatar
    Jen

    My question re: the third one is why, when the anonny mouse OP turns up in Multnomah County you have to “be prepared to show a photo”… So, they turn up, you meet, and _then_ you whip out a photo, hand it to them and say “…and that’s what I look like. Interested?”

  17. pixie721 Avatar
    pixie721

    What does a corpse have to do to get a little action? I’m really disappointed by their blatant bigotry. The undead and the dead are people too.

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  19. jackie31337 Avatar
    jackie31337

    I always get a very interesting mental image when I read “nsa action”. I thought I was the only one with that fantasy, but Craigslist has shown me I’m not alone.

  20. Joe Avatar
    Joe

    Well, you know how hard it is for me to shake the decease that takes hold of my tongue in situations like these. Understand me. Understand me.

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