YSaC, Vol. 528: Somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota...

2009 December 27

The bible is an important document in world civilization, but there are a number of scholars who believe it is not entirely historically accurate. For example, while it mentions Locusts, Frogs, and Angels of Death, there's surprisingly no mention of the:

Raccoon Plague - $30


Wooden Plague polyurethane finish measures 21 inches across heavy with metal mount. Great for rustic environment of an animal lover. Cash only you are responsible for pick up in #######
528

I wonder why that is?

Thanks for the link, Erin!

33 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 27
    Windrose permalink

    I'm not a bible scholar, but I thought it was mentioned in Paul's letter to the Gideons, wherein he tells the parable of Nancy, Dan, and the drunken physician.

    Adores: 16
  2. 2009 December 27
    Amber permalink

    It must be from the New Testament, Windrose, because Paul is dead. Always was.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 December 27
      Windrose permalink

      Amber, you're correct. One of my favorite passages is where John tenderly buries Paul and has the Egg Man write a song to commemorate the event. Koo-Koo-Kachoo!

      Adores: 7
      • 2009 December 27
        Steve-O permalink

        Really? I thought Paul was the walrus...

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 December 27
          Windrose permalink

          Well, his mind went long before his spirit was sundered from his body. He only thought he was the walrus.

          Adores: 1
  3. 2009 December 27

    I always thought raccoons were a bit shifty (it's the masks), but I had no idea they caused/were/are a plague. Alert the town mob, we gots us some 'coon huntin' to do!

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 December 27
      Windrose permalink

      WHO let the dogs out. The World Health Organization always gets involved in plagues of this scope.

      Adores: 10
  4. 2009 December 27
    GrahamT permalink

    Dan is absolutely correct. The Raccoon Plague figures prominently in the Late Bronze strata of Tell es-Sultan (aka Jericho) as well as several other Levantine settlements. Its omission from the Hebrew Bible is one of the evidences used by advocates of the Documentary Hypothesis to prove that the JE, P, and D authors were writing well after the fact. Sorry, Joshua!

    Adores: 4
  5. 2009 December 27
    Windrose permalink

    I just had coffee, and realize this is a terrorist posting! This person is willing to sell the bio-weapon known as the Raccoon Plague for a mere $30! I'm pretty sure they could have held out for $50.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 December 27

      The reason it is such a low price is because so far the raccoon plague only affects those who eat raccoons. So it's really more of a public service than a terrorist weapon.

      Adores: 8
    • 2009 December 27
      Lola permalink

      I'm not so sure about the raccoon plague itself being terrorist, but as for the actual raccoons I'm going to look for short people with stripy tails and masks tomorrow on the plane. You may call it profiling, but I call it homeland security!

      Adores: 4
  6. 2009 December 27
    Steve-O permalink

    And then in those days the raccoons shall afflict thy house, and will get into thy garbage and spread it across thy yard and the yard of thy neighbor; Lo, the will be no animal control to rid thee of thy 'coons. And there will be great weeping and gnashing of teeth when thy firstborn son is called to restore thy trash to a bag, and the smell of polyurethane will be all about thee.

    Adores: 52
    • 2009 December 27
      queensbee permalink

      and we will surely have to let loose the holy hand grenade of antioch.
      sure that isn't a rabbit?

      Adores: 7
  7. 2009 December 27
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    You can't fool me. I know a Tiger Plague when I see one.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 27

      Well, it's definitely not a lion.

      Adores: 13
  8. 2009 December 27

    2 things are pretty clear from this ad:

    1) The poster assumes all animal lovers live in unibomber-style abodes and lack taste

    2) The reason the Raccoon Plague occured was because (insert Deity here) wanted to prevent the lustful and sinful acts the racoons were about to engage in (see picture above - & Rac 13:13)

    Adores: 7
  9. 2009 December 27
    Christina permalink

    It took me a while to see that there was indeed a picture of three racoons on the "plague." When I first looked at it I saw a round head with two soulless eyes, a nose and a very creepy smile. It certainly looked like something that would plague my nightmares.

    Adores: 1
  10. 2009 December 27
    Addicted Reader permalink

    I think we need a "spellcheck fail" tag. Those are all *real* words, just one of them is not the *right* word.

    Adores: 1
  11. 2009 December 27
    Luisa permalink

    Actually, not only IS there a raccoon plague; it was started by Nazi Germany!

    Read all about it here: http://austriantimes.at/index.php?id=13547

    "...in a bid to find out how to tackle the Nazi raccoon plague, scientists have been studying their breeding habits."

    Adores: 3
  12. 2009 December 27

    Biblical? Come now people, seriously? CLEARLY, this was written by a former executive at the Umbrella Corporation. Everyone knows that they took a major hit in the financial crisis and had to sell off assets to cover debt obligations. Obviously, this "raccoon plague" is a reference to the nasty disease that turned the denizens of Raccoon City into zombies several years ago. If you don't remember the incident in question, they did make a really crappy documentary about it.

    I think the thing that seals this case for me is the proclamation that it is "Great for rustic environment of an animal lover". Because, as we all know, nothing compliments the deep woods like a few zombies. Also, I'm sure that the plague would be very appealing to hardcore animal lovers, because zombies, by and large, live in harmony with their environment. They subsist entirely on human brains, rather than animals, leave virtually no waste because their victims usually turn into zombies themselves, AND they're biodegradeable.

    Adores: 5
  13. 2009 December 27
    keelhaulrose permalink

    The racoon plague is always followed by the garbage plague and finished by the cussing plague (while cleaning up from the garbage plague).

    Adores: 4
  14. 2009 December 27
    screamer permalink

    Not sure of what they're trying to say in the final sentence. Is it "Cash only; you are responsible for pickup"? Or Cash; only you are responsible for pickup"? If the latter, it would be easier if I could send my plague-loving friend to pick it up given I wouldn't want anyone else to know I have such abysmal taste in plagues!

    Adores: 1
  15. 2009 December 28
    Windrose permalink

    It's been a tense day here at YSaC. Everyone is wondering, in the midst of two huge holidays, will the revered Llamanun and her illustrious consort, The Ostremu, have time to update the Don't Suck box? Or, as sometimes happens, will everyone have to hold on to their cards and return tomorrow to see who the next lucky winner will be?

    *puts her hole punch back in its holster*

    Good night, folks!

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 December 28
      Dan permalink

      It's not so much "time" as it is "remember to do so," and occasionally "can be arsed to do so." Likely it will not be updated quite as regularly for the next week while we're on the coast.

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 28

      I disagree. Sometimes it is "time". And sometimes, the ostrimu is right -- while we're in San Francisco for a week, that might not be updated as semi-irregularly as when we're not on vacation.

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 December 28
        Windrose permalink

        "And sometimes, the ostrimu is right" -- drmk

        That would make a nice plague. 8)

        Adores: 3
      • 2009 December 31
        QueenAmygdala permalink

        Have fun, and enjoy the disquieting lack of sea lions!

        Adores: 1
  16. 2009 December 28
    InsideJoke permalink

    Reminds me of a time when I recieved an ad in my inbox for "Acting Lesions."

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 December 28
      Windrose permalink

      Ew! I think you should have those looked at! 8/

      Adores: 0
  17. 2009 December 30
    Ralph permalink

    Raccoon "plague" is real.

    They also carry rabies. Beware of strangers in masks.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2010 January 2
    Doug permalink

    They're a plague, all right -- if you're T-Rex, and they come with cephalopods!

    Adores: 0
  19. 2010 January 6
    Marko permalink

    I think what amazes me is that this poster couldn't spell "plaque", but could spell "polyurethane".

    Adores: 1

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