YSaC, Vol. 539: Hooray for ####wood!
It’s a well known fact that movies released in January suck. Oscar contention is over, so all that’s left is to release the dreck that the studios have lying around that isn’t holding down a tarp or propping open a door somewhere.
Fortunately, you have a choice. Or at least you will, once this movie is finished:
Actors Needed Badly! VERY GOOD PAY
I am making a movie. It is not titled yet. Im in the process of finishing the script. Now I am cast calling the actors. Please email me ASAP at ######@########SEND A VIDEO(or an audio) OF YOU SAYING ONE OF THESE LINES. So I can do a pre auditioning
Girl/15/blonde curly hair : “(*Crying*) Were Never going to see them again!
Girl/15/brown straight hair “(*scared*)Ok, Lexi! Calm down. Think Positive”
Girl/13/brown eyes/Dirty Blonde Hair “(*Very Angry*)Why cant I go!”
Guy/14/Shaggy straight brown hair “(*Flirty/Shy*) So, Uh…. Lexi, Do you wanna, maybe… Go to the dance with me…”
Guy/14/short blonde hair “(*In a girl voice. Crying. Scared*) OH MY GOD WERE GONNA DIE!”
Guy/10/black hair “(*Happy*) A whole Week Without Ashlee!”
Girl/32/blonde hair AND OR brown hair “*(Crying)* Im gonna miss you so much sweetie!”
Guy/33/brown hair “*(Tearing Up*) Pumpkin, If you need ANYTHING. call us”
Several points here:
1. It is important that you have the ability to mispronounce homonyms.
2. It is important that you can enunciate the difference between lowercase and capital letters. “A whole Week Without Ashlee!” should sound completely different from “A whole week without Ashlee!”
3. And don’t even think about pronouncing it “Ashley”, “Ashlie”, or god forbid, “Ashleigh.”I’d like to believe that these aren’t excerpts, and that this is the entire script of the movie. It gives the whole thing a sort of Zen-like brevity. Or something.
Thanks for the link, Kara! And thanks for the most excellent meet-up in SF!
“blonde hair AND OR brown hair” I’m picturing one-half of her head blonde, the other half brown. Divided either longitudinally or sideways.
Striped. Like a not. a. lion.
(*Crying*) There goes my CAREER! I’ll never WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!
This movie sounds AWESOME. (*Happy*)
Or. Like a dirty film…. I really hope not, since there appears to be a 10 year old guy in it.
Wait a minute, Stephanie. Isn’t that your script?
You never get credit for ANYTHING (pumpkin)!
LoL @ “Pumpkin”
Thieves! My very super secret screenplay has been stolen!!!
I’ve never acted before, so perhaps someone could explain why it’s so important to know the hair color of the character for whom you’re auditioning?
And what about the lady who has blonde AND OR brown hair? Would you read her lines the blonde way first and then go back and read them the brunette way? Or would you kinda mix up the blonde/brunette into one bad dye-job reading?
Especially since you can just send in an audio audition. With the right software I could probably sound like a 14-year-old boy talking like a girl.
The hair color thing sounds like some sort of weird fetish on the director’s part.
Woman/I’ll Never Tell/Silver Hair: (*lamenting*) Why, oh why, does no one call me? I’m ready for my close up. (languishing on velvet settee with back of hand to forehead)
Holy smokes! You must be playing the part of my mother!
I suspect this movie will be better than Titanic. Then again, what movie isn’t?
Maybe it is Titanic, just in the style of Ingmar Bergman.
Girls climb into an overloaded lifeboat, piloted by DEATH, who has a scythe for an oar
Girl/15/blonde curly hair : “(*Crying*) Were Never going to see them again!*
Girl/15/brown straight hair “(*scared*)Ok, Lexi! Calm down. Think Positive”
Girl screams from ship railing, water to her waist
Girl/13/brown eyes/Dirty Blonde Hair “(*Very Angry*)Why cant I go!”
DEATH reaches beneath his robes and produces a black-bordered prom invitation
Guy/14/Shaggy straight brown hair “(*Flirty/Shy*) So, Uh…. Lexi, Do you wanna, maybe… Go to the “dance” with me…”
His friend examines the prom invitation
Guy/14/short blonde hair “(*In a girl voice. Crying. Scared*) OH MY GOD WERE GONNA DIE!”
Flashback to girl on the dock at Liverpool, playing gin rummy with DEATH. She has a jack-o-lantern for a head. Her family waves from the ship
Guy/10/black hair “(*Happy*) A whole Week Without Ashlee!”
Girl/32/blonde hair AND OR brown hair “*(Crying)* Im gonna miss you so much sweetie!”
Guy/33/brown hair “*(Tearing Up*) Pumpkin, If you need ANYTHING. call us”
As the credits roll, DEATH stands in an empty lifeboat, eating strawberries and blowing a whistle
+ infinity for l_c!
Now, THAT film I’d pay to see!
best.Independent.short.film.2010
Truly I am in the presence of greatness.
Death: Nom nom nom.
Jack o’latern head for pumpkin? Sheer Genius l_c
I missed all this yesterday, but I sooo want to see this film.
I am charging up the camcorder – finding 8 people and going to make this film.
.
.
.
Someday…. Maybe….
If you do, send it to us — we’ll definitely post it!
Poor Titanic getting bagged on again. 🙁 I actually love that movie. Does that mean I have to be voted off the YSaC island? *sobs hysterically*
I think your recent card punch counteracts the love of Titanic. (*sincerely*) Now calm down, Mimi! Think Positively!
Thanks Windrose!
Only obliquely on-topic, since I’m now thinking of James Cameron movies, if you guys haven’t seen AVATAR yet, you really really should! It was amazing. (and for once I’m not saying that sarcastically)
Your insolence shall be forgiven…this once. Do not take out mercy for granted again or I shall ensure that your demise is not a swift one.
I believe that’s my line…
Mimi, I think your love for titanic puts you in the corner of the island with me and my secret desire for a 1959 can of unopened Crisco. We can’t all hate the same things, after all.
It took me quite some time to figure out that this wasn’t all one extremely disjointed scene. Actually, at least then he could say it was some deconstructionist art film. Which would still s**k, but it would s**k in the name of art.
Hey, new shirt! You Suck at Craigslist in The Name Of Art.
And it must have a Not. A. Lion. painting with ‘Not. A. Lion.’ written in rhinestones.
Racist.
I approve of sucking at Craiglist as long as you invoke my name.
I feel like there are many things on Regretsy that fall into this category… which I suppose does make them more entertaining, in a painful sort of way.
I love Regretsy. It’s a craftacular trainwreck that compells you to stare, even as you wish you could look away.
Until the last two I thought this was a pedophile’s list for a new harem of over-reacting youths.
****Disclaimer****
This comment nor the person making this comment in any way supports Pedophilia of ANY kind. Thank you for listening.
My thoughts were more along the lines that the author is not older than any of the “main” characters. What worries me is that I get the impression the 32 and 33 year old characters are supposed to be the parents of some of the younger characters. I turned 32 this year. Sure, I know people my age who now have teenage children, but then again, their kids were born shortly after high school graduation.
Also, how is our budding screenwriter/director planning to pay the actors?
With Very Good Pay, apparently.
Which is better than the Mediocre Pay most actors recieve.
I’m sure he has a list of investors just drooling over this project.
And getting the list all soggy. Ick.
I would so see this movie. I wonder how flexible they are. Can a 45-year-old brunette woman (me) try out for the part of the 14-year-old blonde guy sounding like a girl?
There is a lot of emotion going on in this movie. Extreme emotion. No one is (*nonchalant*) or (*apathetic*) or (*normal*).
Does the poster only want bi-polar actors?
Wow, my relatives who have studied film and made them for their MFA and do things like work up a budget for funding requests/study acting and have an agent and go to calls and network when not waiting tables just have it all wrong! They could just advertise for actors/check for acting jobs on CL!* Wow! (*Sarcasm*) Besides, this movie sounds like it’s going to be fabulous!
Actually, I feel slightly bad for this guy. Reality, when it sets in, is unlikely to be pleasant.
*Actually there are occasionally legit jobs on there, depending on where you are, but they tend not to tell you what your lines are in the actual ad itself.
I think your relatives’ problem is that they keep going to those “casting calls” when they should just go out “cast calling.”
I’m guessing… romantic comedy? Parody? Modern remake of Die Zauberfloete?
Actually, if they could repeat the lines at sequential intervals and in specific patterns, it could be like Philip Glass. The rousing, audience-favorite ending would of course be when they all come together for the chorus, “I have a red table for sale, take it for free.”
David Mamet actually wrote a short play called “Philip Glass Buys a Loaf of Bread.” It’s exactly what you’d expect.
The boat sinks?
Hey!! At least add a “***SPOILER ALERT***”
Man.
Actually, it’s David Ives …
/pedantry
But a Mamet version would rock. They’d repeat vulgarisms.
Comments like these have made me realize that you people are too smart for me.
“Guy/14/short blonde hair “(*In a girl voice. Crying. Scared*) OH MY GOD WERE GONNA DIE!””
Sooooo… They want a guy who speaks in a girl voice? If somebody sends in just an audio clip, how would they know if it’s a guy or a girl?
I think I was in some movies this guy made in college. Three of them, in fact, although I only died horrible and violent deaths twice. In the third one I was a lawyer for someone who ended up dying a horrible violent death. (Oops. spoiled the ending, didn’t I?) The script has a familiar feel.
But luckily, you survived!
InsideJoke/early-twenties/dark hair (*amused by YSaC posting*)”I think my brain hurts just from trying to decode the formatting”
LurkRealClose/ mid-30s/ light brown or dark blond hair (*extra special amused by InsideJoke’s comment*) “I vote InsideJoke for card punch of the day”
Wait, a sec- “VERY GOOD PAY?” Man, no one’s ever PAID me to be in their poorly written amateur film before! Me, me! Pick me!
*clears throat
Were never going to see them again!
Wait! I can do that better! I forgot to capitalize the “never.” Let me start over.
Were Never going to see them again!
It says I’m crying. What kind of crying? Are these distraught tears or happy tears? Tears caused by getting Vicks vapor rub in my eye? Because I can do that last one really well, watch!
Were Never go- oh ouch! Ouchee! Dang that stings.
He wants you to send a video of you “saying” these lines; not performing, saying. I think I should send in a video of me “saying” his lines. I mean the whole line. Take out all of the punctuation and read in a monotone voice:
girl 15 blonde curly hair crying were never going to see them again girl 15 brown straight hair scared ok lexi calm down think positive… etc.
DO IT.
That would ROCK!
You could also print out the “script” and hold it between you and the camera, so all that is seen is the backside of a sheet of paper and your fingers.
I’ve started a Cast Calling thread in the forum. Post your audtion tapes there.
Hmmm, I may actually have to figure out how to use the webcam on my new laptop…
The sad thing is you wouldn’t even be the worst audition sent in. A person attracted by a casting call such as this would not likely be one that doesn’t know much about auditioning.
*HHNF/20’s/blonde hair/crying* This is the worst. movie. ever! We’ll never see it again!
Okay, what’s an “HHNF”?
Hint: look at her screen name.
This is why we can’t find the droids we’re looking for.
R2 a little short-sighted for a sandtrooper?
Truth be told, I can’t see a thing in this helmet.
A side note: http://www.jeffzugale.com/justabitoff/index.php
Twenty bucks this person’s script sucks so hardcore that not even their friends want to be in the movie.
You assume there are ‘friends’ to begin with. Perhaps this is a decoy, as the previous “anyone wanna be my friend” posting got two responses, one from a spambot and one from someone wanting him to come catch kittens with them. Maybe he just deperately wants people to hang out with – 30 year olds for public outings, as this is near his actual age, and under-16s because that appears to approximate his mental age.
“It is not titled yet.”
How about:
“A Week Without Ashlee”
“Girls Gone Fishing”
“The Prom: This Time, It’s Personal”
“Night of the Living Teenagers”
“The Pumpkin Witch Project”
“The Weigh We We’re”
For some reason, “The Prom: This Time, It’s Personal” is making me mildly hysterical, possibly because it enforces a supposition of the content of the original – “The Prom: Emotionally Detached” or, “The Prom: The Young and the Listless”, both of which would be perfect for the annoying Twilight kids and their lack of acting!
Sounds like a game I played as a kid: one person begins a story, and each person in the room picks it up from a certain point. The stories could get pretty odd as everyone added their own parts to it.
I loved that game! That and “What if…” were my favorites.
*sigh* They had to put a time limit on me because I didn’t want to stop creating the story. I hated to pass it on to the other kids who could not think up anything but a rerun of some sit com they just watched. LOL I think I might have been insufferable.
Insufferable, but right!!
Notice he didn’t feel the need to include the line “No experience needed.” It goes without saying really.
I imagine it applies to the “director” as well.
I was under the impression that all applicants needed to be members of the Screen Actor’s Guild.
I’m betting that this budding Mastroianni thinks a SAG card is something his grandmother gets punched when she gets more plastic surgery done (5 lifts – the sixth is free!).
Beautiful. 😀
This sounds like a movie full of honkeys.
How rude.
Racist.
Huh. I thought people on this blog would get a joke.
My programming has a difficult time distinguishing a random racial slur and a “joke.”
Jenny P, saying Racist is a running joke on this blog. I can point you to some past comments, but I think there was one just yesterday, and a link to go farther back. 8) Didn’t realize you were too new to get the joke.
Why, I called HHNF a racist mere hours ago!
Arrgh… new avatar not working.
New avatar looking pretty yummy…*ahem* for a guy, that is. Yup, he called me racist, I called Jesse Jackson.
Maybe we could settle this over a beer on the White House lawn…
I hope Bianchi Sound shows up soon to get a card punch. Awesome job, as always.
He’s probably busy fulfilling the whims of the HYPNO-CAT.
Actually, I was out taking my dear sweet mother to, of all things, a matinee of Xanadu! Left Hypno-cat behind as it wasn’t Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Just slide the card under the door, thanks. I’ll get it in the am.
I LOVE Xanadu! Call me for the next matinee, okay? 8) *starts to hum all the songs at once*
For some reason, I suspect that he traded ONE RED PAPERCLIP for this script
Hey, you like me! You really like me!
Thanks for the sidebar.
Where is the ‘database: FAIL’ video guy with the rubber ducky when we need him???
My first thought upon reading this was:
“Holy crap, another Twilight movie already?!”
Then I realized the writing was better and I breathed a small sigh of relief.
As for the blond AND OR brown hair, they mean Oregon brown, it’s a dull “dead leaf” brown you see a lot out here.
This one’s going straight to MST 3000 for review.