YSaC Vol. 663: Distant early warning.

2010 May 11
tags: ,
by drmk

I get the feeling that these two ads are trying to tell us something, but I have no idea what. I think it involves diesel though.

Ladies nuclear relaxing people away State this in diesel


we us who read end add our is crisis a senior of diesel which Thursday cross Crisis look give crisis and draw so gentlemen Navy contest Thursday nuclear a too

it a of to crisis left


it diesel the diesel is of of each themselves hard diesel powered financial Beat and crisis and maintains week diesel big and World official Russian and diesel went themselves The to electric of themselves each on official of

Wait, I think I’ve found a clue in the second one: the phrase “it diesel the diesel” anagrams to “The idle elite sides.” Let’s see what happens if we keep going:

is of of each themselves = five self-hate smooches
hard diesel powered financial = hallowed if acne-ridden praise
Beat and crisis and maintains = in bandit’s Satanism radiance
week diesel big and World = bewildered weaklings do
official Russian and diesel went = insinuate scaled-down falsifier
themselves The to electric of = molest to the cleverest chief
themselves each on official of = malevolencies of hot fish-face

That makes SO much more sense.

Thanks, Laurie and Caitlin and Eric!

167 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 May 11
    TacoMagic permalink

    Tacos moving Señor if an it of there does was M4WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Nuclear crisis Bacontini there of and Pokémon Friday mica splunge silly but tennisball crisis origami misjay with bees sew monkey buttnut divide by zero poodle wan-

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      I love this new free form poetry. You can seem deep and introspective* while at the same time not puting forth any effort further than using a dice set and a dictionary.

      *This is probably not true**

      **It’s really not.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        mudslicker permalink

        It’s like Russian Haiku*. Fearless Leader cares not how many syllabii you use as long as the vodka is free-flowing. Na zdorovie!

        *I prefer to use an Ouija board

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 11
          Lola permalink

          Russian Haiku: already my vote for Band Name o’ the Day. I bet they’ll be opening for Gogol Bordello any day now.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 May 11
          Dan permalink

          When you are poet
          In the Soviet Russia
          Syllables count you!

          Adores: 20
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Hey, think we can get
          third-person omniscient
          to open for Russian Haiku*

          ______
          *Need different caffiene level; brain wants to offer up xaúky rhodinizhe for russian haiku. [eye roll out of head and across floor, bouncing over radiac and past dosimeter; which causes question of "is nuclear poetry set to dosimeter?]

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 11
      Heather permalink

      e.e. cummings smiles upon this post

      Adores: 3
  2. 2010 May 11

    On the first one – nuclear ladies obviously means women who lived in or near Chernobyl. They relax people away…far…far…away..but only on Thursdays, apparently. Or if you are a man in the Navy. I’d say the rest of us are safe…from what, I don’t know for sure but I’m not taking any chances with anyone whose first name is “nuclear”.

    On the second one – it’s an official diesel big world in Russia, and that my friends is a real crisis…a real crisis…but only if you are left-handed or maybe left behind…could go either way.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      I thought I had something to add to that CJ… but I just swallowed a mouthful of coffee and seem to have forgotten.

      *Takes another swig of coffee*

      What was I talking about again?

      *Drinks more coffee*

      Tell me about the rabbits again CJ.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 11

        There goes one right now, Taco…down that magic hole…

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          So, that’s what kids are calling it these days.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          Meredith permalink

          My boyfriend chased one down the magic hole once. Six ibuprofen and an ice pack later, I could walk right.

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          How long before you could walk left? Did you just go in big circles until then?

          Adores: 4
  3. 2010 May 11
    Windrose permalink

    It’s Bio Diesel! Tell us a little about yourself, Vin! *checks IMDB to see if Vin Diesel is working on anything these days*

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      Vin Diesel was so gradually replaced with Dwane Johnson that nobody cared.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        … I’m embarrassed to admit I can tell the difference … Not sure I care, however.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          lost_compass permalink

          So what you’re really saying is… Vin Diesel fuels your fantasies, and Dwayne Johnson rocks your world.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 11
          Lola permalink

          Decidedly not. Today the only thing fuelling and rocking me is caffeine … mmmmm, sweet caffeine.
          *installs Mr. Coffee on IV stand, attaches cannula to mouth*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          Vin Diesel fuels my nausia, and Dwayne Johnson rocks the boat enough to bring forth the raging torrent.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Methinks thou dost protest too much, TM…

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 12

          Can you smell… What Vin Diesel IS COOKING??

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 11
      CapnMac permalink

      Wouldn’t Vin be ‘bro diesel’?

      Adores: 1
  4. 2010 May 11
    mudslicker permalink

    Boris Badinoff has nothing on your most excellent decoder-ring-spy-skills drmk!

    I still can’t help but think these messages also contain some sort of covert Russian spy-talk message to Vin Diesel.

    World official Russian and diesel went themselves [to where?] hot fish face!

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      A secret message.. is this the classic cryptogram or a sequential thing? I confess, I’m no cryptographer, but gave it my best shot.

      “Ladies needed to distract some Navy gentleman with a contest held on Thursday, so that I can get State nuclear info before a crisis hits. Only Patriots need apply, this is a crisis of thermonuclear proportion that will affect our entire electric system. Tinfoil hats, batteries, peanut butter and jello supplied. Bring your own bikinis and towels.

      Nah… sounds too logical.

      Adores: 15
      • 2010 May 11
        mudslicker permalink

        Sounds more like Spring Break on the Caspian Sea.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          Or Saturday night at Taco’s place.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          I thought Saturday night at Taco’s place involved baking, knitting and Book Club pot-luck.

          But definitely tinfoil.

          Definitely.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          That’s alternate Wednesdays in months containing an “A”.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          You mean to say he’s perfectly free in the month of Splode?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          Well, his card says, “$3.99 the first minute, $1.99 each additional…” Oh, you meant… Ummm…

          What were we talking about?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          Lola permalink

          I suspect that every month is the month of Splode in Taco-World.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          sarajean: We should form a focus group, if indeed we’d ever remember to attend.
          And if we did attend, we could never manage to focus.

          ’nuff said?

          Lola: In his very own little head.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      Yuri permalink

      господин дизельное : Снимите грязный плащ сразу. Верните ее красным столом.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        mudslicker permalink

        Hehe…. but is the red table FREE?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Придурковатый stoner, расщепление не работает тот путь. Но, bio-diesel форма сплавливания, но идей–пойдите получать некоторые doritos!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          A. Lion permalink

          Ne rabotaet tot put’ – I almost choked. Awesome.

          Just say no to auto-translators.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        sarajean80 permalink

        Do what with a dirty raincoat?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          Remove it! And get out your unblubler.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          MrWhite permalink

          If it says “dirty raincoat”, I’d guess that’s supposed to be a “muddy slicker”?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          I believe there should be some nuance applied here. Yes, definitely I hope there’s nuance. Do Russians recognize nuance?

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        Are you that Russian guy who used to live across from me and flash your ass at me out the kitchen window when your wife wasn’t around?* My nickname for you was Pervski.**

        *This is unfortunately all too true.
        **Still is.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 11
          MandaB permalink

          Is that what Palin meant when she said she could see Russia from her house?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          I see Russia, I see France, please go buy some underpants.

          Adores: 20
        • 2010 May 11
          Meredith permalink

          I was FAR more lucky, Lola. Mine was a jacked Marine with rippling…abs. Other things rippled, too, until my mom saw him doing his laundry one day….ALL of his laundry, apparently, since he had nothing to wear.

          That was the end of my flirtation with the neighbor out back. ::sigh::

          He was Sgt. Hot Bod. Or Marine-with-NOTHING-to-be-ashamed-about!

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          Don’t Flash; Don’t Tell?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          Lola permalink

          I prefer: Do flash, I won’t tell (in Meredith’s case).
          Someone randomly walking around naked who you happen to see doesn’t really bother me. It was the intentional, ass-facing-the uncovered window, first-thing-in-the-morning-before-the-wife (who occasionally hung out in a red bra) is-up, intentional, unwanted display that was gross. Objectively speaking, he didn’t have a bad-looking ass. But I had no interest in it, didn’t know who he was, and he was pretty clearly doing it for the benefit of anyone who could see in his window. Icky. I always gave him nasty looks when I saw him on the subway.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          I’d rather have Meredith’s Marine than Lola’s Window Flasher.
          At least you know the Marine can do laundry.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          Semper fidelis.

          *dreamy*

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 11

        I’m somewhat amazed this didn’t get caught by my spam filter.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          Maybe it doesn’t speak Russian.

          In Soviet Russia, spam filters you!
          (Back off, it’s my first try)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11

          I get more Russian spam than you can shake a free table at!

          Adores: 3
  5. 2010 May 11
    Camille permalink

    Apparently someone mixed up the list of “Female Traits” with the list of “Energy Traits.”

    Adores: 8
  6. 2010 May 11
    whit nestor .tanks permalink

    Whack fol’ the dah will ya dance to your partner
    Round the floor your trotters shake
    Isn’t it the truth I told ya?
    Lots of fun at Finnegan’s wake

    Adores: 1
  7. 2010 May 11
    Lola permalink

    I like all of the theories but am not entirely convinced that this isn’t a Turing test = fail-type situation.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      CapnMac permalink

      Concur. Bad spambot excreta

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        There’s … good spambot excreta?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 12
          Jane permalink

          Adore for the …, which my mind inserted in the form of a dubious-sounding pause into my mental reading of your comment.

          I had not realized silence could sound dubious until now.

          Adores: 2
  8. 2010 May 11

    My guess is that both of these hep posts were written by our own CapnMac, perhaps after a light sprinkling of top-shelf tequila.

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 May 11
      mudslicker permalink

      Oh, these tomettes definitely have a Capn’ tinge to them, don’t they?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Nah, I could understand today’s posts.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          I’m glad I’m not the only one who is oft’ befuddled with Capn’s complex and swirling wordsmithery.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 11

          Oft befuddled? How ’bout always befuddled! About the only words I recognize and comprehend are liquor-related. Says alot about me, don’t it?

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 May 11
        LimeLolly permalink

        Nah. The Capn’ knows how capitalize and punctuate. However, this may be a message to the Capn’. Hope he brings his decoder ring soon.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          MandaB permalink

          I hope so too. If he doesn’t, we’ll be in a Capn Crunch.

          *crickets*

          Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses!

          Adores: 10
    • 2010 May 11
      Meredith permalink

      Yeah. I rarely, if ever, truly understand what he is saying. I just smile and nod my head so everyone thinks I’m in on it*.

      *May actually do this while reading his posts

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 11
      CapnMac permalink

      Not sure exactly how to bask in such exemplary note.

      So I am sore confused as to whether I ought take umbrage or responf in vexation. For I feel I can safely aver to never having afflicted this venue of bad Engineering Vogon posy without proper tagging and/or warning.

      Mind you, I know where I can get a hold of really bad Vogon poetry to show the difference between that nadir and whatever ham-fisted skills at rime I possess, should needs must.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        Cap’n, you’re far too smart for Vogon poetry. Also, more evolved. Which is why we think you can figure the OP out when we can’t! Decoder ring assistance perfectly fine, as are yaks, trance-murmurs from the trichomaniacal, and mind-altering chemicals of choice.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Ah, just because one is “too smart” to use a thing does not preclude developing skills for “just in case” need.

          I’m filled with useless information, like how to form an infantry square; or break one with mounted dragoons. Similarly, if needs must, I can afflict the intelligent with a weapon of mental destruction of terrible scope: Vogon free verse.

          To the specific point, no decoders I have applied have found any but gibberish here. Perhaps, if our noble and hard-working hosts could share which CL section this is from, a tiny glimmer of mere confusion (NPI) might coalesce from the murk.

          It is also sore difficult to not wander into obscure engineering puns with this afoot.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          Meredith permalink

          Uh huh, what Lola said.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11
        LimeLolly permalink

        No umbrage, we adore you !

        We’re hoping you have an answer somewhere, in one of those pockets maybe? Check your hat too.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 12
          CapnMac permalink

          Nope, I’m seeling you all for Science Experiments.

          But, first some Vogon Edda!

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 May 11
    sarajean80 permalink

    It looks like they posted a marathon Scrabble game while in progress. I pity the poor bastard who’s next; he/she/it must have nothing but Qs and Zs.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      Zzzz.. qqzq.

      I win, triple word with 2 triple letter and 3 double letter scores. Ha!

      Adores: 1
  10. 2010 May 11
    MandaB permalink

    Ok…let’s see what happens if we attempt to apply punctuation and capitalization to this mess.

    “We. Us who read. End add our is crisis. A senior of diesel which Thursday cross Crisis. Look! Give crisis, and draw so gentlemen! Navy contest Thursday… nuclear a too.”

    Hmm…if read enthusastically by William Shatner it would be…something. I don’t know what, but something…

    Adores: 5
  11. 2010 May 11
    MandaB permalink

    Nuclear A, man! Nuclear A!

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      Diesel this.

      Adores: 2
  12. 2010 May 11
    Chazz permalink

    I ran this through “Bad Translator!” and got some interesting results.

    “we us who read end add our is crisis a senior of diesel which Thursday cross Crisis look give crisis and draw so gentlemen Navy contest Thursday nuclear a too”
    …54 translations later we get:
    “Remember the board game equivalent to the value of the oil crisis, the crisis on Thursday after the report.”

    But earlier on, I came across this:
    Finally, we see that our crisis is to increase the oil crisis, high Thursday that the cross and see a sign that the crisis here is the Navy’s core in the game

    Which is actually, almost, English!

    (the URL is http://www.conveythis.com/translation.php for those that are curious)

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 11
      mudslicker permalink

      Rime Thursday? NOT Rime Thursday!!! YIKES

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      Bridgete permalink

      OMG, thanks for the link…I am now going to spend 3 hours translating random song lyrics.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      Pumping the first sentence of the Gettysburg address into it:

      “4.7 otoshi free country, and my father’s birthday.”

      I think I can see where Lincoln was going with this…

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 11
      sarajean80 permalink

      I am so going to have to waste so time with this!
      Bonus! If you put in nonsense, you get out half-reasonable sentences, like;

      “Poopy headed fish paste, elephant britches triumphant”
      becomes
      “Star Fish sauce won first elephant trunks”

      I am a little dissappointed that “spocktastic shenanigans” only translates to “Anti spokktastik” though.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 11

        Dammit…y’all are evil temptors and temptresses…er temptressoresesses..or something. I will now waste the better part of my lunch hour……

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        Jen permalink

        sj – no offence, but I fear your prolonged exposure to CL has left you with a warped perspective of what “half-reasonable sentences” should look like.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          Wat meen dat?

          Perfect grammer I has penguin artichoke;

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      Ok I went back and did the whole Gettysburg Address:

      4.7 years, there is no doubt that China in November well.

      The pressure of war, imagine the power of collaboration. We believe that life continues. Valid end March.

      But Jerusalem is not normal … … they should be in the world. Please brave and holy life and death you can add or remove nothing happens. Forgot vision. Life members this game is very open. Poor – we believe that trust and respect, that people die – death of production at home – people born with God – Lower House of Parliament.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        TacoMagic permalink

        Notes of interest:

        •Most of the time using more than 190 characters causes the Arabic translation to fail.
        •You can put the same thing in twice and end up with two entirely different end results (probalby something to do with the way google searches for and combines related words).
        •Sometimes the translator freaks out and starts to combine words from several of the translators, giving you a nice bouillabaisse of multilingual words.
        •In order to do the entire address most of the sentences had to be chopped into two smaller ones. Odds are, changing where the chop occurs would change the end result. Whenever possible I chopped at the intersection of two ideas or phrases.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          Short sentences with no slang seem to work best.
          Funny thing, I put in “I am going on vacation.” and got “I want to go.”.

          I think the translator wants to go on vacation with me.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 11

          TM, you have far too much time on your hands.

          I have some chores you can do if you like?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          “To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles “

          …10 translations later we get:

          “It can not be “noble suffering of tires in the services sector and an insult to the poor attitude of the maritime business, or pictures of weapons”

          LOL… “noble suffering of tires”…!

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        “We believe that life continues. Valid end March.”
        This juxtaposition amuses me.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          My fortune cookie award goes to:

          The pressure of war, imagine the power of collaboration.

          Very Confucius.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          ….power of collaboration…..in bed!

          ;)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          Wow, it actually starts to resolve into sense after a few more permutations through 52 translations:

          In
          The pressure of war, imagine the power of collaboration. We believe that life continues. Valid end March.

          Out
          Forget about war, the media pressure alas we believe that life continues without a break in the end of March.

          Iterate
          Sorry, I do not remember the war, and journalists and the media continued to March.

          Wow, close to meaning there. Take it a few more:
          But military sources, the media, know that 2007 will continue.

          Holy crap.

          EDIT: NaNoWriMo challenge. Use that sentence as the first line in your novel.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          Taco’s coffee has obviously run out.

          “But military sources, the media, know that 2007 will continue,” droned the instructor, obviously reading off slides that had long ago been burned into memory.

          Arvald, a new recruit to the Royal Spongial Army, raised his hand in question. He was quick to voice the question everyone at the assembly was thinking but dare not ask the pontificating pedagogue, “But, hasn’t 2007 long past? To my knowledge it’s been nearly four centuries since 2007. Surely our sources in the media have more up to date information than this?”

          The instructor smiled the knowing smile of a preditor about to devour a prey he’d been stalking for some time, only to have it bolt out into the open and offer itself on a plate. Yes it was one of those smiles, “Ah, but you’re not thinking fourth dimentionally! I think that merits a few hours in the house of marshmallows!” And with a flick of a switch Arvald found himself sitting at a dinner table being hosted by a family of rather polite, if boring, fruity puffed marshmallows.

          He suddently knew that it was going to be one of those days.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          I rather hate that I find all my spelling errors after the 5 minute timer has expired.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11

        I think your spelling adds to the effort rather than detracting. I kind of like “suddently”.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          Or “preditor”.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          I like “dimentionally”.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11

          Yeah, I like that too. I see it as “di”, “mention”, and “ally”. Two mentions by an ally or something.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          I happen to know a couple pre-editors (or, at least, that is their style).

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Hmmm, I like the premise; but, but, suppose the RSA had used the Misjay to never let 2007 end.

          just imagine the media reporting about Day 600 of the year 2007, or by Day 800 (month of Vigesextuary). O the horror the horror.

          Then just outline it as heart of Darkness written like Ulysses.

          Send that off to Jim Baen, and I want at least 5% of the net, and 1% on residuals and merchandize, 1/2% international sale and 1/4% of web sales.

          Or, I’ll shop it right now to the $2-per-article rewriters, nana-nana-boo-boo!

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      MandaB permalink

      Well, in light of the challenges provided by yesterday’s ad, I decided to plug “misjay” into bad translator. The result 10 translations later…..misjay.

      That’s right. Misjay: Unknown in Any Language

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        Awesome. It’s like Bad Translator Googlewhack.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        TacoMagic permalink

        I put it through the 52 translator earlier and got Misjai out. Apparently milage varies with all Misjais.

        (Specifically I put in Free Misjay and got out simply “Misjai”. It was changed during the English>Serbian>English permutation around tanslation 45).

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          Everybody STAND BACK!!!! Taco is shaking like he’s about to assplode!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 11
          MandaB permalink

          I went back and put in the entire text of the ad “Free Misjay Here Misjay” and got back Here Free Misjay Misjay. I’m pleased to declare that Bad Translator lives up to all expectations of badness and translating. I may have a new second favorite site.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 12

      Hey, that’s a fun site there, Chazz. Bookmark-worthy.

      Just for fun I put in a famous sixteen-line poem, one stanza at a time. You may recognize it by the time it gets to the final stanza:

      Which is good, I know, I know. However, instead. I can see, I see Bush leave the ice.

      Only the night in the woods near the hut on the lake ice in the overseas horses.

      Authorizes the President to be very interesting. Only very slight breeze it looks good.

      Beautiful, dark and deep, but I promise, just a few miles to bed. Myers in his sleep.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 12

      Has anyone tried bad-translating the original ads?

      For the first one, I get

      The remaining nuclear weapons to prevent oil, and then we read, can increase the oil crisis on Thursday, I saw that the group that no longer Crisis Centre”

      …and for the second:

      Oil crisis, it is difficult to overcome the financial crisis and liquid fuels, and large companies in the world’s oil and gas, Russian officials said that all employees receive

      Improved? Maybe they just need a few more iterations…

      Adores: 0
  13. 2010 May 11
    Chthulhu permalink

    Awww … bots are so cute when they’re little.

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 May 11
      sarajean80 permalink

      This must be right before the awkward teenage years when the [FEMALETRAITS] start popping up.

      Adores: 8
    • 2010 May 12
      Windrose permalink

      We hope to have one of our own, some day! 8)

      Adores: 0
  14. 2010 May 11
    Colleen in MA permalink

    Another LuLu.com FAIL. How many proofreaders have to starve before they will be hired by self-publishing authors? We us who read are very sad, indeed.

    Adores: 5
  15. 2010 May 11

    keyboard comment to type. ribs thermonuclear advice. cheese potato rye.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      It rains rusk down upon Kelli for 12 minutes.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11
        sarajean80 permalink

        What kind of hit dice does toast pack? Is there a table for auxilliary crumb damage?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11

          It varies. The CEP for rusks generally is about 300 meters, but for a thoroughly gummed and sodden zwieback it goes down to about 50. Wait, you’re asking about something else I think. The thermonuclear reference threw me off.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, the delivery system does matter, are these MARV or MIRV rusks?

          Saturation rusking can improve CEP, but we’ll need that Crumb Effect Hit Table though.

          Oh, and you lose a turn if you fail to call for 1:1 time play, too.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2010 May 11
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    It’s Fermat’s Last Theorem in Cat Math!

    [(Ladies + nuclear) * (relaxing + people + away/State)] / [this + in - (diesel +we + us) * (who + read) - (end + add + our + is) ] = {crisis a/senior} * {of + diesel – which /Thursday}/ [cross/Crisis * look + give + crisis - and] * (draw – so +gentlemen – Navy/contest) + (Thursday + nuclear/ a – too)

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 May 11

      TrademarkViolating Sound: I humbly pass the CatMath Crown of Kibbles to you, my dear. My t-shirt, however, shall remain with me.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      mudslicker permalink

      Final Answer = Asplode!*

      *so kind of you to show your work

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 May 11

      Ah, yes. “Truly marvelous proof.”

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 11

        “Which this margin is too narrow to contain”

        Adores: 3
  17. 2010 May 11
    B....... permalink

    These make perfect sense if you read them backwards. Just hold your monitor up to a mirror……

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      I got – the Devil wears Blue Suede shoes on ships of marble pizza??

      :headscratch: I don’t get it.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        B....... permalink

        Very close LL. Here’s a hint:

        On the White Album, if you listened to a strange murmuring following the song “I’m So Tired,” you couldn’t make out what it said. But, should you decide to play the record backwards the words became something like: “Paul is dead now, miss him, miss him, miss him.”

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          Limelolly permalink

          So those were the voices I heard in my head!

          Who’s Paul? And if he’s dead, obviously someone didn’t miss. 8)

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      TacoMagic permalink

      Create your own Fun

      What you will need:
      Some computer knowledge
      A webcam
      Some kind of playback program
      A picture of a mirror
      An idiot (preferably one who either isn’t too observant, or who knows nothing about computers)

      How it works:
      Pull up your picture of a mirror and overlay your live webcam footage on top of it so it looks like it’s reflecting mirror. Exclaim “Holy crap, it works!” to get the idiot’s attention. Explain that you found this mirror picture online that’s really reflective, and that he should try it out. Send him the picture. When it doesn’t work convince him that he’s a vampire.

      Yes there are big enough idiots out there who WILL fall for this. Yes I do work with one of them. He bought it all the way up until the vampire part.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 May 11
        CapnMac permalink

        So, after having achieved this signal feat, how does one clean up after the legions of twilighters, with their poor control of emissions, after they clutter your lawn?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          TacoMagic permalink

          I always go with some good ol’ fashioned cane shaking.

          “Damn vampires, get off my lawn!” *Shakes cane*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          Lola permalink

          Fire?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 11
          mudslicker permalink

          One cleans up with my dog Comeer. He’ll eat any type of vampire p00p; however, he turns his snout up to Ken-L-Ration*. Go figure.

          Yes. I realize that Ken-L-Ration is no longer around. Neither is my dog Comeer.

          My dog’s faster than your dog,
          My dog’s bigger than yours.
          My dog’s better ’cause he gets Ken-L Ration,
          My dog’s better than yours.
          And now he’s dead.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 11
          sarajean80 permalink

          I like to rely on some advide I recieved from my dear, sainted mother;
          “When you have a ten pound sledge hammer, every problem looks like a whiny, sparkly emo bastard who will have his or her ass inverted if he or she doesn’t get the hell off my property RIGHT NOW!”

          Or something like that. I forget.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 11
          CapnMac permalink

          Ok, SJ’s mom gets the giant wooden carnival tent mallet; I’ll keep the flame-thrower (since LoLa had the most fun way to deal with the over-sparkly besotten).

          I’d loan GrampDaddy my walker* for the event.

          _______
          *That’s a Walker Colt Dragoon in .44-20 (if a reproduction); any ambulatory accessories are his own look-out.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 11
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Oh Capn, My Capn – Thank you most kindly for the loan of the Walker-Dragoon .44 – I am assuming this is the proper cap and ball reproduction, with the long barrel. I just can’t comprehend using anything else to remove vampires. By any chance, does the Dragoon also have the option for eliminating ‘diesel-nuclear zomb

          Adores: 1
  18. 2010 May 11

    I don’t think I have anything to add today, apart from “Huh?”

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      Just a palindromic day for you, dear?

      Adores: 3
  19. 2010 May 11
    tigprincess permalink

    @ Bianchi your catmath made the most sense. *I strongly believe that this poster also wrote an academic paper I reviewed yesterday. Sadly professional etiquette prevented me saying WTF*

    Adores: 1
  20. 2010 May 11

    *Comrade us we who message end add received*

    Can palin see here from big venison swingset financial powered diesel crisis bees upon PubliK loosed unsuspecting
    table red received week crisis quisp
    world cerials vintage Navy Thursdays
    mother Canadas nude neighbors make good fences
    30 #2 gerbert smoothies electric nuclear ladies a go

    in relaxing away State yours always
    Chernobyl

    *ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOGS*

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 May 11

      Spacebug, you nailed it!

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11

        Komrade must to change code gamma
        nuclear translation device compromised
        secure lava lair
        launch not.a.lionel fromagehead assbeerboxes

        Bach
        &
        PDQ

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 11

          Crap! I meant to say, Spacebug you are WAY off…way..way..way..off.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11

        Wow, that’s what mom used to say.

        *usually followed by seek professional help.

        Adores: 0
  21. 2010 May 11
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Off topic:

    Lionel Richie is playing in June at a nearby Indian Casino. I giggle like a schoolgirl every time I see an ad for it.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 11
      Lola permalink

      Dare you to go, and get a photo of yourself next to him with a jar of cheez dip. :D

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11
        TacoMagic permalink

        That’d make the Don’t Suck box for sure… possibly even a T-shirt deal.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Now I have to see if any soundguy/stagehand friends are working the show. There may be an opportunity for shenanigans!

        Adores: 3
  22. 2010 May 11
    Cons permalink

    I think they might be trying to sell Russian Nuclear and Diesel submarines, but I am not sure…

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 11
      sarajean80 permalink

      I thought Diesel just made ugly clothes, when did they branch out into ordnance?

      EDIT: This is too freakin’ much. I Googled Diesel the clothing company, and stumbled upon their “brilliant” marketing ploy called(insert drumroll) – Be Stupid.

      http://www.diesel.com/be-stupid

      I think I just had some sort of snark-induced aneurysm.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 11
        TacoMagic permalink

        Well if 99% of your market share is already composed of stupid people, might as well let them know it’s ok.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 11
        Lola permalink

        I’m going to try again here … (see comment below).

        I have a friend who works for Diesel but I don’t criticize because these days a job is a job and hers is still better than the one where the handbag designer threw staplers at her head.

        Adores: 0
  23. 2010 May 11
    Lola permalink

    What just happened? I posted twice – because I thought it was an error – and neither showed up. Hmm.

    Then, after I posted this and saw it, I tried again. Clearly, I’m not allowed to reply to that portion of the thread. Weird.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 11
      LimeLolly permalink

      I get errored out if I’m trying to reply in the same thread/area as someone else. Usually, I have to refresh the page and try, try again.

      Or fry, fry a hen.

      Adores: 1
  24. 2010 May 11

    Maybe this guy watched this one too many times:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S00Br2SSrY8&feature=related

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 11
      Limelolly permalink

      jg… I had to wait to get home to watch this… hilarious!

      Let’s freeze the goats.. golden diesel.. alright… HIGHS.

      I’m still laughing.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 11
      MandaB permalink

      Call the two rainy girls!

      And it’s tough to beat a bitchin’ harmonica solo!

      Adores: 0
  25. 2010 May 11
    frozen_midwest permalink

    After ‘reading’ today’s offerings, I’m shocked, SHOCKED, that no-one mentioned what seems IMHO obvious – Gertrude Stein lives!

    Adores: 2
  26. 2010 May 11
    CapnMac permalink

    Well, after borrowing some tasking, and a few dozen teraflops, conversion to hexidecimal groups which are then analyzed, the result is something to the effect that there’s a zombie rivercraft somewhere, and it’s lost, but for sale free to good home or best offer or trading a Señor Curts cheese and bees for crates of misjay.

    Adores: 1
  27. 2010 May 11

    These were in “Missed Connections” I trust.

    As in neural connections.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 May 12
      Limelolly permalink

      Lately, it’s all missed neural connections. That may be a requirement to post an ad on CL. I don’t know, I’ve never posted an ad there. Something to research anyway?

      Adores: 0
  28. 2010 May 11
    Grampdaddy permalink

    Nothing to add – just had terrible gas all day.

    Literally – renovation on the building next door resulted in them breaking my gas line yesterday afternoon. Bad gas in the basement, bad gas in their basement – like lots of bad tacos, enchiladas, and frittatas. Thankfully, no asplode or brainsplode.

    Is all better now – any ideas on how to get hundreds of gallons of Pepto-Bismal and tons of Tums out of the basement? I’m thinking of listing it as a free sandbox on CL…

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 11
      MandaB permalink

      Fritos and Espresso???

      “Free supply of antacids – for sale free to the one who takes them all – free misjay to the first who comes and gets them. Also have much pink liquid – bottles already opened. All yours to haul away. Need gone ASAP!”

      Adores: 1
  29. 2010 May 12
    Windrose permalink

    I am nearly out of energy, but have to say Irregular Fractal, you so deserve the honor! Now, you know the drill. Have you met the saw or the sander? Huh? Sorry, must have dozed off. Punchity punch punch.

    G’Night, Russian away state!

    Adores: 1
  30. 2010 May 12
    CapnMac permalink

    Having finished wrestling (for free–dang returned owed favors) with some code I wrote a decade ago, I discovered that the problem was DIESEL. Not the fuel, but the programing language:

    abbreviation of “Dumb Interpretively Evaluated String Expression Language”, simple programming language in AutoCAD and AutoCAD LT

    Which is a fine and good thing, but, it is based on (character)strings and strings alone. Which means you have a hard time passing integers or reals with it.

    Which meant Sparkyevitch was on my mind, as one of the programming joys of AutoLisp is that you can bind anything. No tiresome declare statements, a variable may be a real, integer, an atom, a list, a string, even another expression.

    Which caused me to want to find the code geenyuz they’d hired after I left and engage in some experiments with fission reactions.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 12
      Grampdaddy permalink

      I’ve had trouble passing integers, too. 3,8,and 6 aren’t too bad, but the pointy ones like 4,7,and 5 can get stuck and cause a great deal of discomfort until they move through.

      Ohh – you were talking about programming. *Slinks away while turning bright red*

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 May 12
        Limelolly permalink

        Hahaha… you two crack me up. Fiber/fibre ought to fix both your problems.

        Adores: 0
  31. 2010 May 12
    minetruly permalink

    It sounds like dadaist poetry.

    Adores: 0
  32. 2010 May 12
    Ralph permalink

    I think these may be ads for diesel fitters.

    Those are the people that can look at a woman, then pick put clothes and say “diesel fitter.”

    Adores: 1

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