YSaC, Vol. 1133: Plus, he’s wearing a codpiece.
Special Fish
Hi, I have a beta fish named Mike that I need to re-home. The fish is purple and healthy. He is young, I have had him for only a month, but I started noticing some disturbing behavior. This fish is homosexual. He will only swim and sleep on the side of his bowl with pink rocks. He has his bowel movements on the blue rocks regularly. He eats his food in a very dainty way unlike any fish I have seen. Also he seems to come to life without fail whenever I am watching America’s Next Top Model on the TV. Also his lips are pursed most of the time. Whenever I husband changes in front of him he goes right up to the glass to watch. When I change in front of him he looks away. He is obsessed with his rainbow decoration as well. Anyways, I am asking a rehoming fee of $15 for him his food and bowl with decorations. Thanks – Chelsea
Homosexual Fish is my Flock of Seagulls cover band.
So let’s see — this person is:
- attributing sexual behavior to a fish;
- admitting that she watches America’s Next Top Model;
- admitting that she deliberately changes in front of the fish tank and is disappointed when the fish doesn’t watch her;
While I think there definitely is some “special” going on here, I don’t think it’s from the fish.
Thanks, Stephanie!
Chelsea should have just changed the fish’s name to Michelle.
Silly people.
I think the fish should be called Wanda.
Sparkette, are you sure this is Mike and not Michaela? (If it is only male bettas that are thusly colored, then she might be right – I just realized I don’t actually know.)
[semiserious matt] I’ve heard of some really stupid reasons that people have stated when getting rid of their pets, but perceived homosexuality, particularly in a non-breeding animal where mating is never an issue, just might be the dumbest ever [/ssm]
[corey] Male bettas are more brightly colored than females, the females are much more subdued and usually lack the big flashy fins males have.[/corey]
They also poop on different colored rocks due to sexual preference. That’s part of sexuality in humans too isn’t it? So if gay fish poop on blue rocks then should I be pooping on the pink rocks? Or does that make me lesbian? And where are these colored rocks?
I will poo on any color rock presented to me. (sorry)
That could be awkward if anyone ever gives you an engagement ring.
Ghostie, hush.
Valarie… that would not be awkward at all. Will you marry me?
I think this is how all the controversy about Teletubbies got started.
That baby Sun has voyeuristic tendencies.
Aww, DM! This is so sudden! I’m bowled over.
Wedding at the YSaC Convention!
I have some wedding invitations you can use, but you’ll have to change your names to Becky and Tim.
*considers removing the rocks in the front yard* That could explain the reason dogs and cats who do not live here like my front yard.
YSaC convention at the wedding?
You know what I always say:
.
:quietly slips recent animal behavior study indicating homosexual behavior in most, if not all, species on Planet Earth under Chelsea’s boudoir door:
Large dose of reality in….
3….
2….
1………………….
Wow, I heard the screaming from here!
CJ, while that’s true, I’m not sure anyone has ever studied fish who are attracted to humans of the same sex.
Yeah, ’cause a fish is going to understand the significance of blue rocks, pink rocks, rainbow decorations, and America’s Next Top Model as well as distinguish male from female human beings. I think the fish needs a new home, but not for the reason Chelsea thinks.
A home where they don’t shop at Stereotypes R Us is a good reason.
That place is so packed with Sparkies it’s unbelievable.
There are few points lower in one’s life than undressing for a fish and having him turn away.
At least there are a lot of rocks in the fish tank for the self-esteem to hide under.
Yeah…if you like poopy rocks.
I like Pop Rocks, does that count?
Sure it does.
Just like a long, long, long highway drive; you’re only one “p” away from either an ugly or beautiful day . . .
Did you know they make chocolate with Pop Rocks in it? It is amazing.
ghostie:
One word (catulator glitch): Not. A. Lion.
especially when he’s in the tin with the other sardines
Monica, I’m not going to ask how you know that, I’m just going to pass you my flask, here.
Ack!
Sparkette Chelsea had already bent “plenty of fish in the sea” quite far enough . . .
Thanks, Lola.
*Takes a swig*
It hurts just to talk about it.
Time heals all wounds, Monica. Time and a new fish who appreciates you.
One with a bigger bowl and nicer gravel.
How about an electric grave bowel?
I just remember when he used to look at me with lust in his eyes… Now… nothing.
It’s Nemo and Dory, not Nemo and COREY!!!
The funny part here is that Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian.
Noooooooooooooooo!
Well spotted, Captain Obvious!
In a world where things go without saying, one man dares to say them, to point them out, to state… the obvious.
Astro G. Nash is… CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
Coming this summer to a theater very, very far away from wherever you happen to be at the moment.
I think what Sparky is trying to say is:
Merry Fishmas to all!
Fish be upon you.
And the Holy Wetsuit upon you.
May diving God bless you.
And may all your Fishmases be wet.
God rest ye merry special fish, Chelsea says you’re gay…
Remember SpiceChrist our saviour was born on Beesmas Day…
To save us all from Santana’s songs, let IF’s bands instead play…
Oh tidings of bees-filled-trucks and bedazzled hooves, trucks and hooves!
“He has his bowel movements on the blue rocks regularly. ”
Actually, that may be kind of a fetish, rather than an ORIENTATION thing there. You know, like some couples are turned on by wrapping each other in dryer sheets and toothpaste and doing it while watching Anderson Cooper in the basement.
Huh? No one else? Well, ahem, all righty then. Carry on.
FM, how do you get Anderson to stay in your basement while you’re doing it? And what’s he doing that you’re watching?*
*As I type this, I realize I may not want to know the answer
All I have to say is..
Heh. Heh heh.
I heart ye for that reply, FM.
I also thought of you the other day when I was at the grocery and being checked out and waaaaaay at the top of the checkout was … a product named for you!
http://www.funkymonkeysnacks.com/
Aw! 🙂
Kind of like I thought of Grampdaddy when the wee one and I went to see the Muppet movie.
Awwww, nice to be thought of.
However, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with eating Funky Monkey for a snack…
1. If he will only swim on the side with pink rocks, how is it that he can have bowel movements on the side with the blue rocks? How does he get there without swimming? If this is a teleporting fish, I want him.
2. What kind of nut job color-codes the rocks in a fish-bowl?
3. Aren’t all fish lips pursed?
4. I wasn’t aware that normal heterosexual behavior involved being aroused by naked members of ANOTHER SPECIES ENTIRELY. I’m not attracted to naked male fish (unless they’re sauteed and served in a delicious butter sauce. Or sushi. I like sushi.) Does that mean I’m gay?
Yes
1. His bowl is tilted downhill. Tardis net.
2. Chelseas.
3. Yes—unless they prefer wallets.
4. Yes, if you want to.
If your betta is gay and a beta, maybe he’s pining for a betta who’s an alpha.
Many doors.
I think mine’s an Ophiuchus, whatever that means.
My Latin is a little rusty, but I think that means you have to buy it dinner first.
Eheu!
A ficus whose lute-playing could charm the very guardians of Hades?
Hmmm, Sparkette has a fish that:
Doesn’t poop where he eats.
Doesn’t chew with his mouth open.
Gets agitated when forced to watch mindless TV shows.
Acknowledges hubby’s attempt to keep fit.
Politely turns away when Sparkette changes.
Appreciates art.
Mike isn’t gay, he just has better breeding.
Mike sounds like a better catch than some human guys I know.
Right?
*calls Chelsea Sparklette, adopts fish, changes FB status to “it’s complicated”*
“Yes, Mom, I am seeing someone. His name is Mike. I’m looking at him right now. We’re actually living together. I think he’s pretty serious about it, but I plan on flushing him down the toilet when he dies. No, I’m not high. Why do you keep asking me that?”
“Well, not very high.”
I have two pair of cockatiels that are male-male pair bonded. All were rehomed to us. You don’t think . . . *gasp* They have been the victims of discrimination!
Story time!
Years ago, my mother picked up a kitten at the vet’s that wasn’t yet weaned, it’s mother had been killed and the vet was trying to find homes for the kittens. She gave it to me, I named it Ramona and just fell in love. Took Ramona for her first round of shots, vet looked closely at baby kitty, and said, “Well, Ramona is a he”. Baby kitty was so young that his, um, “pearls” weren’t yet where they were visible.
I told my mom that kitty was a she, not a he. Mama Monkey’s response: “Oh no! We’ve been treating him like a girl! Do you think we made him gay?!”
We had a similar situation when I was little, which is how my sister’s cat Babydoll became Leroy.
One of my friends had an Ellen who turned out to be male, too. Another friend’s cat had a litter and when her mother was asked what they parsed out as, she replied, “Two males, two females, and two ambiguities.”
I had what I thought were three female rabbits sharing a cage, all siblings, of course, and didn’t realize one had been misidentified until the two actual females were “in the family way.” Now I have ten little slightly inbred tribbles to deal with. The smaller breeds of rabbits are a nightmare to tell apart before they mature, because rabbit “details” are identical until at least 4 weeks old, and sometimes all the way up until the males’ equipment descends.
And against all stereotypes regarding rabbits, they are quite often only ready and willing to breed when you *don’t* want them to. Such as when one pulls a Houdini and figures out the cage latches. If I try to put a pair together deliberately, they would rather feed or fight, as opposed to the *other* F in the equation. It makes my life difficult.
Windy, you won’t know for sure until you see the color of rocks they poop on.
How can you guys be reading that and acting like this person isn’t joking? How can a fish be “obsessed with rainbow decorations”? I’m 99% sure this person was making a joke.
Does that make the rest of us part of the 1%?
Occupy Fishbowl
I’ll go get my tiny ceramic tent and diving helmet.
Don’t forget the treasure chest with the bubbles. I was going to say don’t forget the clam but then I remembered that Mike wouldn’t be interested in that.
*corner*
And I shall initiate the RING OF FIRE!!!
CJ, I thought we’d spoken to you about not lighting your chili farts.
Rust, it’s not an act. 8) That’s the whole point of the blog! Look, you’re new here, so we will let this little foo paw pass unnoticed. Just lighten up and enjoy the joke. I would hate to have to institute Rust tags.
Hi, Rust, so are we joking as well. You are welcome to play along, per Windrose’s comment. Your picture is from Hyperbole and a Half, so I’m assuming that you have a sense of humor, and that’s welcome here.
No! This is a serious problem! Sparky is the Michele Bachman of the fish world! Spark is keeping an eye out for sexual dysfunction and sexual identity orders in pets!
Why, if we ignore this, we’re condoning it! I’m saving this fish right now!
*flips thru phone book for gay-to-straight fish camps*
Yes! Before the fish is getting bullied by all his fish friends on Facebook. Fish are such bullies.
Especially in schools.
Lola: I just now got that. Derp.
I think the real problem is that mike was tormented by a dominatrix and had to branch out from his subservient role. No longer a servant, he is now a Master Betta.
(It is soooo nice to be back home in the corner!)
With all the Sparkies we have seen through this blog, I wouldn’t feel comfortable betting that Chelsea is joking when she says she thinks her fish is gay because it poops on blue rocks.
Oh, don’t mind Rusty. He hasn’t been the same since he was attacked (repeatedly) by little girls pretending to be wolves.
Oh, and Rusty you dropped these: [matt] [/matt]
I have the perfect pet for Chelsea – a snail. They eat and poop without regards as to what color their tank decor is and since they are hermaphroditic they cannot be gay. I have a tank full of the things in my bathroom and have never noticed any of them taking a particular interest or disinterest in me at any time no matter what state of dress or undress I’m in.
Snails are all the rage in Paris.
Ghostie, do they pay attention to anything ever? That’s my burning question.
Food and … that’s pretty much it.
Meow?
Beer…they like beer.
Must be the male half.
I must be the only hetereosexual chick that actually likes beer. I wonder if there’s something I’m keeping from myself. Hum.
I can also drive a stick. And prefer one to an automatic. Further hum.
Honey – they’re called “stakes” not sticks, and we drive them through the hearts of sparklepires, regardless of gender.
CJ – adore. So many adores.
And FM – move to the colonies! I drive a manual*, drink beer, prefer football (soccer, to you) to reality tv about vapid pretty people and I’m a pretty normal chick here.
*Saying ‘drive a stick’ always makes me a) picture someone standing over a tree-part and making ‘brrrm brrrm’ noises and b) go to the corner.
As they say in the sticks (southeast US): I’d rather be in Hell with my back broke than watch reality tv.
And ditto to “b)”.
One fish
Two fish
Hey fish
Gay fish
Is there a “pray the gay away” for poor little fishies? Perhaps this couple could start one for their purse-lipped purple friend. Maybe start little fishy prayer groups on non-crap tv nights.
Tangential question – is it possible to baptize a fish? Would you have to bless the water first and then toss the fish in, or could you just bless the water the fish is already swimming in?
Hey, a new handbasket!
If you want to baptize the fish as a Catholic, you can just use the airstone to run some bubbles over it. If you want to baptize it as a Baptist, you have to lift it completely out of the water and then put it back in.
What about tank debris – does that become sanctified excrement if you bless all the water?
Yes! While the congregation sings –
Shall we gather at the fish tank
Where this homo fish is housed
We’ll put a clothespin on his wee wee
If by a man-fish he’s aroused!
Blasphemy – IT’S FUNNY, BITCHES!
Y’all can’t send me to the corner, me and my shovel are already headed there!
If you lift the fish out of the water completely, it really will feel reborn when you put it back in.
Dammit! Nobody told me we were doing the Dougie in the corner today!
Well, that’s what you get for missing meetings!
Bravo! Ya’ll made me cry. And my sides are splitting. Best ever.
Hermite, please come back and comment more.
It is clear to me that Mike will be, if not already is, fishsticks. So, Mike should be renamed Kanye. On the other hand, pursed lips these days are called “duck lips”, so, Mike/Kanye might be a duck instead of a fish. Wait – how does watching (supposedly) pretty women on a TV show for models make a male “gay”? methinks somebody doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “gay”.
um, and the fact that i have a blue toilet and pink sheets on my bed doesn’t change anything!
That depends, my good man.
*puts on smart looking spectacles*
Tell me – Which do you enjoy more, your bed or your potty? Be honest now, Sub dude.
*snort*
Sub dude….
subbie, you raise a good point re: duck lips and duckishness in general. Quick – we must weigh it against a witch. Or a small rock. Lucky our gay little fishy already has scales we can use!! (Apologies…)
“MOM! Subbie stole my duck lips comment!”
How have her other fish eaten their food? Did she have a Piranha before? That would make Mike’s eating look unusually dainty.
Apparantly, Mike always sticks his pinky up.
I have now decided I will look for a picture of a gay purple betta fish (Catholic) with his pinky up as my picture. Where can I find this?
Couldn’t find one with an upraised pinky, but I found one of a purple fish wearing what looks like a monocle and teaching mathematics.
http://sadir89.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=72#/dw6n09
Paging Silva!
And uses a coaster.
Apparantly, Mike always sticks his pinky up.
Up what?
Dear Mike: It gets better.
I was wondering…do gay fish come out of the water closet?
No, but dead fish go in it.
*flush*
If they do, will that be the next Saturday-night “movie” SyFy shows?
I should have said “It gets beta”. Rats.
“Beta Rats” is IF’s LL Cool J cover band.
Beta Rats sounds like a frat.
Or rodents that eat your old tapes.
I went to lunch and they had a “Fish Special” on the menu. I pointed and said, “look it’s big gay Mike!”
Now even more people think I’m crazy, yay!
Now I’m going to think of that every single time I see a menu.
Poor Mike. He just doesn’t swim that way.
Also… hello, everyone. It’s been awhile.
Welcome back!
Baby, he was spawned this way.
Hi Bavec! Stick around this time!
Chelsea laughed hysterically. “Look at you! Oh, big Mike! Big mean Mister Fighting Fish! What kind of man-fish are you?” She dangled her husband’s boxers in front of the tank. “You like those? I’ll bet you do, you pervert.”
She took off the purple bra she always wore when she wanted to get Mike excited. As she began to sob, Mike retreated to his pink rock.
Homosexual Fish is my Villiage People/Phish tribute band.
Please never link Phish and Village People together ever again. Please.
Okay. But what about Phish and Nickelback?
Nevermind. Village People it is. Thanks for giving me one of those it-could-be-worse options.
Thank you thank you all of you for a giggle-y, funny day. I needed that. I’ve needed that for weeks and weeks.
HUGS!
Agreed. This has been one of the funniest days on record. Well done, YSaCers.
So now all Mike needs are fishnet stockings, and we’ll have “Rock Bass Horror Picture Show”.
I think I’ll just follow the cast and crew around and be a Grouper.
“In just seven days I will make you a clam…”
I will be humming that song all evening now. “Oh, Rocky!”
But he can’t be gay!
Not when he’s wearing that ascot with those skinny jeans, mmmmmhm. **snaps fingers**
SO today I stopped in to see what you all are doing and what should it be but GAY FISH DAY!!!
And another reminder that it is not such a great idea to read your comments on my BlackBerry while waiting for teriyaki. Because even with a BlackBerry in your hand, giggling uncontrollably by yourself makes people move away from you.
So glad to know that the Sparkies are still out there, and that you guys are still OMG-don’t-drink-Diet-Coke-while-reading-this funny!
Tankerbell! Please come back more often! Missed you.
Accessing memory banks. . . sorting people who suck from people who swallow. . . recalibrating. . . .Tankerbell! Woo-Hoo! 8) Sorting more stuff. . . Have you joined us on Facebook? (Edit: Had to look. Okay, you are there. 8) But you don’t drop in very often)
If Sparky’s piscihomophobia is caused by a medical condition, a good plastic sturgeon might be able to help.
Having proven scientifically-like, that penguins don’t eat geckos, here are your Punchity Punch Punches!
Good Morning, Bangkok!