YSaC, Vol. 1137: Like Pop-Tarts on a red light street.
Personal Ninja Needed
I am in need of a personal Ninja by my side at all times to ward off the gummy bear attacks, lawn gnomes (and other lawn ornaments) and of course, the evil unicorns. you must be trained in mixed martial arts…. and do not fall for the gummy bears innocent faces. They are diabolical! ….Especially the orange ones!!!!
- Location: By my side at all times
- Compensation: i will pay you in pop tarts.
Satanic Gummy Bears is the name of my Grateful Dead cover band.
But really, he had me at Pop-Tarts. Because what are Pop-Tarts filled with if not the remains of those evil gummy bears, mixed with fruit-like product? As a ninja, there is nothing better than delighting in squishing your opponent, and then snacking on them in two-per-pouch-sized servings. Meet the flames of hell, Pop-Tart fillings! … or at least the moderately warm metal heating elements of my half-functional toaster.
Because, y’know … ninjas.
A million adores if I could for the titular Police reference, o Llama-Nun (BBUY).
Cheap tarts are a dime a dozen. I’ll take a gross!
Heh. “Titular”. Heh heh.
Upon further reflection – in reading over the ad again, I suspect that all the ninja needs to do to keep Sparky safe is to not let him buy any more of the brown acid.
Oh no drmk! You are not fooling me. Ninja day was yesterday.
So, if your Pop Tarts are missing you need to talk to dan.
Because, y’know…..ninjas…ninjas are totally loyal to Toaster Streudel.
Because, y’know, gummy bears. Especially the orange ones.
CLICK ME!
Taco is not responsible for any damage to person or property due to the clicking of the above link. Offer void in Utah. Participants must take delivery of dealer stock.
Poor Utahns (?), never get any fun.
Okay, now I want a ninja to protect me from gummy bears. That was enough to give me nightmares.
All I can now picture are legions of anime gummi bear ninja . . .
(with rice cracker sidekicks).
Taco,
I clicked your link, but I couldn’t understand the lyrics. It was hard to hear them over all the screaming.
I like the song. Those aliens have such a fun sense of humor.
Funny, yummy, gummy bear got back.
reminds me too much of that “crazy frog” thing from a few years back.
I taught at an elementary school when this “song” came out. Kids reacted in much the same way. (i.e. it was stuck in my head from September to June due to incessant repetition.)
Sparky has it all wrong – it’s not the orange ones you have to watch out for, it’s the clearish ones. They are the invisible ninjas of the candy world.
And how does he not recognize the threat of the Teddy Grahams? Or animal crackers? If you’re gonna have phobias, at least be consistent.
Is this like when my mother told me the candy shells of M&M’s were poison (especially the red ones) to get me to stop eating so much candy as a kid?
When I was about ten I convinced my sister that if she waited until candy was past the expiration date, it wouldn’t have any calories.
She’s two years older than me.
Oh, give me a home where no gummy bears roam
and the gnomes and the unicorns perish
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
With ninjas and pop-tarts to cherish.
In St. Paul’s really long letter to the Corinthians, he instructed them to never put socks in a toaster. And to never put jam on a magnet. He could not foresee someone creating a pastry “sock” and putting jam in it, especially for the toaster. Ninja on, dude!
Also, it’s Tuesday, so don’t lean over.
It’s also St. Nicholas’ Day, so, feasting is in order.
Also, putting coins in stockings for children and wayward wimmins, if a body had a mind to alms today.
:takes off stocking:
:hangs stocking in corner:
Hey, money is money.
He said *wayward* wimmins… You’re more leeward aren’t ya?
Personal Ninjas is IF’s minimalist rock band.
Reach out for pop tarts
Your own… Personal… Ninja
Someone to hear your fears
Someone who scares
Your own… Personal… Ninja
Someone to kill the bears
Someone who’s there…
You beat me to it, and yours is better. Damn these missing letters on my keyboard! I think the gummy bears made off with them in the middle of the night.
“Reach out and touch face”
(trying to imagine that video with gummy bears, lawn gnomes, and evil unicorns)
Shhhh, or it will be anime by the end of the week, and on [adult swim] in a year, with all sorts of fan angst about how badly it was dubbed or subtitled . . .
{does not join into the hate on Funimation}
Dude, I don’t care what anyone says, Squidbillies is the funniest freakin’ thing I’ve seen on TV in YEARS.
They already did a thing on gummy bears getting their legs caught in bear traps and screaming in pain. Stay classy, [Adult Swim] !
The voice of the screaming gummy bear is Mila Kunis.
I know Mixed Marshall Arts. He’s kind of weird, though.
“Marshall” is his nickname.
Marshall is his “I’m getting my ass kicked on the playground” name.
I was really thinking of it as a command verb….
Your “I’m getting my ass kicked on the playground” name comment reminds me of the friend of someone I once worked for. He went by his middle name but we somehow found out what his first name was and one of his friends (equally if not more douchey) said “Betcha got thrown in the lake at camp a lot for that one!” so that’s what I think of when I hear names of that variety.
Was the guy who said that a likely instigator of such activity, at that or any age? Naturally.
Mixed Marshall Arts is IF’s Eminem tribute band.
Reach out, eat Pop tarts
Your own Personal Ninja
Someone to kill lawn gnomes
And unicorns
Your own Personal Ninja
Someone to fend off bears
Someone who’s there
I’m your Personal Ninja!
A Ninja for money!
If not money, then PopTarts will do!
PS: If you’re under 30 you might not remember Tina Turner nor Private Dancer. Sorry, I’m old.
I’m your Personal Ninja,
A ninja for money;
I’ll fight bears and unicorns too.
Many doors from one old person to another.
Dave: I’d be thrilled to someday be your neighbor in the Old Folks Home. We can sit and make fun of all the Sparkies there.
I’m now imagining Dave (visaged as in his Gravatar picture) with a monkey and ferret commenting like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets.
I was thinking the same thing except as Tom Servo and Crow T Robot from MST3K…
ok, now picturing ferret-bots . . .
ack! rodent-sized mecha-godzilla!
Can I join you in the nursing home? I kind of already plan to be the ho of the home, but in my spare time I would love to sit in the hall in my wheelchair and Sparky-snark
with y’all.
I’m just squeeking under 30 and I remember it.
And here I remember how nice and child-friendly Candyland was in the days of my youth. No gangs, and children as young as 3 could play freely. Oh, what has this gingerbread world come to?
Oh, y’know, ninjas.
*whistles innocently*
Actually, my housemate has this game. It’s hilarious. We’re going to make real gingerbread men the next time we play so we can eat them every time they take damage…
The horror … The tasty, tasty horror.
Candyland is between Popes right now, and lacks a moral compass.
My Hot Pockets will kick your Pop Tarts’ asses!!!
*Sticks hand in Mudsy’s hot pocket*
Nice Pop Tart…
*runs*
My hot pockets do not run, Sir!!!
Not since you got that prescription, anyway.
The directions said it was a nasal application. I was confused.
Ahhh, the holidays.
Ninja sidekicks, busy sidekicks
Dressed in Shogun style
In the air there’s a feeling of foreboding!
Gnomes laughing, Gummies harassing
Stealing tart after tart
and on every street corner you’ll hear . . .
Shrieking yells, shrieking yells
It’s Gummy crime in the city
Ninja’s chop, hear them flop
soon it will be Judgment day!
Awesome, wee puppy!
/matt/
I cannot BELIEVE you people are taking this seriously! How can you not KNOW that this is a joke post? How STUPID are you guys?! Phfft!
*stalks off with nose in air*
/screw you Matt/
So what is more believable? That this post is a joke? Or maybe, just maybe, the “Funky Monkey” is in cohorts with the gummy bears and unicorns? It all makes sense, the monkey is just a distraction… NO!! Wait!! Is that?!? Yes, it is! That isn’t a monkey, I see a zipper and a bit of orange gummy-ness… Funky Monkey is a gummy bear!!! Get ’em!!!!!
“I see a zipper and a bit of orange gummy-ness”
Er, um, sorry about that. I have an appointment with Mudsy’s doctor this afternoon.
All it needs is a reference to skittles and it’s a facebook status.
I am not sure about that. I have seen some creepy religious lawn ornament statues. I’m scared of those various stone/plaster/plastic entities sneaking up on me in my sleep. But do ninjas do MMA?
Nobody’s lived to report.
Watch out for orange!
Your own… personal… ninja.
Someone to ward off bears
Someone who cares
Your own… personal… ninja.
Ornaments on the lawn
Soon will be gone
Unicorn’s here, but you’ll have no fear
Gnome’s coming near, you won’t shed a tear
Pays pop tarts for snacks
Don’t get crumbs on the black
It’s your own… personal… ninja.
Diabolical sweets, subdued with feet
Mixed martial arts, rewarded with pop tarts
Watch out for orange!
Clearly, there’s some overlap between the Snark Lounge Regulars and the Depeche Mode Fan Club.
For which I am grateful as it took till the third iteration for me to recognize the only DP song I like.
Go me.
If we all met, we’d probably end up writing a Depeche Mode/MST3K/Daria/Sound of Music fanfic.
*gasp* For even mentioning MST3K, you are my hero.
I’m a guy who’s pretty happy talking to anyone, no matter their role or station in the world. But I had the great fortune of meeting TV’s Frank not too long ago and was utterly lost for words, shocked into silence by the awesome.
All of these versions are even better (at least in my head) if you imagine them done like the Johnny Cash cover of “Personal Jesus,” not the original, which I also like. Cash just adds the delicious topping of WTF to everything.
Well, that’s one of the things I have always liked about that album.
Mr. Cash knew exactly what he wanted out of each of those songs, no matter whay the original songwriters intended. But, then again, when you’ve got the chops–and the life experience–from being two and three times older than the songwriters.
Ah, the hubris of youth, of being so certain none have burned any brighter, nor soared any higher, nor lived so very much more. Which brings to mind a t-shirt adage: “There is no combination of youth, agility, and speed which cannot be overcome by age, experience, and deceit.”
*settles quietly with cane and merges, calmly, into the fruity background of invisibility*
Cap’n Spiff: You are super welcome to join me and Dave in the old folks home someday. What fun we’ll have! Sigh.
Two words: Rick Rubin. It’s pretty well established that he’s the one who approached Cash with the American Recordings ideas and the final product is nearly as much the producer’s vision as the musician, which is not to downplay Cash’s talent, abilities, and finished product.
I have always been more of a Kris Kristofferson fan than Johnny Cash. I guess I related to his demons better.
a Depeche Mode/MST3K/Daria/Sound of Music fanfic.
Switch out “Soud of Music” for superheroes, and I’m in!
I like “Age and treachery always overcome youth and skill.”
Brevity, soul, etc…
To which my group would happily rip it a new one, Dave. 🙂
As long as we’re not talking vintage gummy bears, then I’m your man.
The last orange gummy bear I destroyed had a minty green shell.
Bleck
Silly Sparky. If a ninja wants Pop-Tarts, he doesn’t have to work for you to get them. He will just hide in your kitchen and grab them the instant they pop up from the toaster when your back is turned. Then you will be all like, “Hey, didn’t I just put some Pop-Tarts in this toaster? Where did they go?” And if he was a good ninja you will never find out.
I know I’ve never seen the ‘Sock Ninja’ or the ‘Chocolate Ninja’. Those guys are fast !
[o/t]
Hmm, since I get subjected to a certain amount of such testing, I wonder if I ought offer such to CL to help prevent such obvious drunk/high-posting.
Might help weed out the tinfoil hatters, too.
Or not.
I like pop tarts.
[/ot]
Can I help you write your CL post?
Wanted: Bodyguard position to a gorgeous, single, independent sane woman that is besieged by lawn gnomes and gummy bears. Will accept Pop Tarts as payment, other compensation willingly negotiated.
And then, when (if) the applicant asks Cappy where his ladyparts are, Cappy can be all “oh noes, the bewbs ninjas! They have struck again!” *shakes fist*
Ugh, I think I smell a Rob Schneider movie…
Smells like stale movie nachos and sadness.
“He said weed.” Heh Heh.
One!
Two!
One, two, three!
♪ ♪♪
I was workin’ out in my favorite Dojo.
In came a scaredy Sparkette.
She asked me several times.
For a Ninja like my kind cuz gummy bears ain’t too innocent.
All at once I was busy warding off evil unicorns.
Lawn gnomes and other ornaments.
The orange ones were diabolical.
I asked her for my payments, payments.
I got a raspberry pop-tart.
And I think it was made with vintage Crisco.
Raspberry pop-tart.
It wasn’t warm, in fact is was stone cold.
Raspberry pop-tart.
And a bellyache.
Sister Lyle, I have this strange feeling of deja Sparky! Has that ever happened to you? Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Sun Tzu!
She’s gunning for my trophy, I think.
I’d rather get one of my own… I don’t know where yours has been.
I worked in the President’s Office at PSU back in the 90’s and we had a few regular crazies who came through our office. One of our favorites was a man with a potato shaped head, who brought us his novel “The Hidden Hand: Who is he? What is his devilish design?.” It started out somewhat rationally typed out, and the spiraled into craziness. My co-workers really enjoyed the section on “Satan’s Pets”, including the Demon of the Tuna (sandwiches), Demon of the Rabbit (Easter Bunny), and Demon of the Pig (Salisbury Steak). If I was going to start a band again it would either be Satan’s Pets, or Demon of the Pig SALISBURY STEAK. I need to sit down and re-read this tome. Pretty interesting. Wonder if he’s still around.
Wait, what?
No Demon of the FEMAILTRAITS[2]?
Everyone knows that evil gnomes ride gummy bear farting unicorns. The power of pop tarts compels you!
And as the gummy bears fall to the ground, a magical hedgehog comes along and turns them into real boys! Oh, wait. That was the dream I had after soaking my gummy bears in water with significant impurities.
Too bad, I’ve only been trained in several separate martial arts.
Who needs ninjas? My army of invincible gummy tarantulas will defeat those tiny gummy bears. And my gummy tarantulas will suck out their innards and leave their lifeless gummy skins lying on the ground.
The gummy worms go in
The gummy worms go out
The gummy worms go in
But you don’t want to know the route
Then you give us all your pop tarts
So we’ll grow up big and stout
No gummy bears to make you pout
Okey dokey gummy cokey!
Are you going to pay me with these Pop Tarts? Ifso-thatso, I don’t need a toaster.
Ow! My eyes! And ewww! Tasty warm and ready to go – I’ll just be in the corner retching.
I have thought about putting up a sign by my front door that says, “Premises protected by ninjas. You don’t see them because I hire good ones.”
I figure that should be at least as effective as an actual security system notice.
I made a comment earlier, but you can’t see it….it’s a Ninja-comment….
Brer Fox, you little rascal, you! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Knaves of Hearts!