YSaC, Vol. 1140: Pay no attention to the Matt behind the curtain.
Ceremonial Wizard/Minister for hire
Matthew Collins , Known as the Christian Wizard in many sects , is a Doctor of Metaphysics and Divinitry. He is an ordained minister and can perform rites, readings and ceremonies. He uses the practices of Wicca in the name of the Christian trinity to preform all his rights readings and ceremonies
Matthew is now offering personal event services witch include being minister of
Blessing&christenings
Babtisiums.
Weddings / hand fasting.
Excursions & smudging
spiritual therapy
Prophecies&dream interpretations
and moorFor moor information pleas contact me via email all ceremonies excluding excursions require a on the spot money donation for his time and a 3 week notice before the planed event to ensure all perorations are made correctly thank you for reading and blessed be
In my mind, babtisium is a new chemical compound combining cesium and Barbra Streisand; the Christian Wizard would smudge a bit of it on a baby’s head, and the next thing you know the infant would be dripping in sequins and singing “Don’t Rain on My Parade”.
Also, if you really want moor information, I’d recommend Wikipedia instead. This guy is probably about as reliable a source of information on Moors as Iago.
Thanks, Jeff!
Sects and vile ends.
— The result of sects appeal.
Dear Reverend Sparky:
Where did you get your doctorate in metaphysics and “divinitry”? Did you find a matchbook that said, “Draw this Wiccan symbol and become a Christian wizard”?
Don’t pout. I’m just having a bit of fun. Have a séance of humor.
Ordain, or ordain not. There is no divinitry.
Bond, James Bond.
No moor quiet shirt time? :-/
Naw, you just don’t eat hands for Lent. It was big with the zomb-
If a person were Catholic, and undead, and during the Lenten season,
Does that mean said person could only eat Jersey Shore fans on Friday?
No, it means they can only eat boiled (insert persons you consider mindless drones). With no salt.
Editorial Comment:Sorry, funky, The term you used bothered me, so I fixed it for me. Hope you don’t mind.
Can they eat Mrs. Dash?
No – wait! It’s a legitimate spice blend! I don’t wanna go to the corner!
Ooh, are those mocha slices?
Never mind – I’m good.
I was never able to successfully complete a hand fast. I like finger food too much.
Chicken fingers?
Which aren’t the actual fingers of chickens, those would be more like deep-fried feathers. Hmm crunchy.
Hammy – get thee to the corner. I’ll be joining you directly – cause that’s exactly where my mind went too. 😉
HAND FASTING!
Get horribly skeletal crone hands!
Just like your favorite anorexic middle-aged movie star has!
See the veins, like tortured blue earthworms right beneath your tissue paper skin!
Scare small children into wetting themselves! While screaming!
HAND FASTING!
Skeletal Crone Hands is IF’s Mick Jagger/ Steven Tyler speculative side project cover band.
I give Sparky two points for his clever misuse of the word “witch”.
I subtract those two points for “require a on the.”
I was thinking of this kind of moor:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yorkshire_Moors
I can just imagine him sitting out there in the driving rain with all his ceremonial stuffs.
I was thinking more of individuals of what used to be called the Moorish persuasion, e.g., Othello for the “moor questions,” though my initial question would be “Why Moors?”
Because they are better than “Lesses” 😉
Och, aye, oot ane t’ braw heathers, jus’ pas’ thae daft boggit Angus Podgorny’s crep’t auld croft ane da’n tae t’ third cave on ane left, past t’ bleak’at sarkies ane a Colonel stopp’it t’work frae bin’ “twa silly” . . .
Capn’s channeling the spirit of Scrooge McDuck! Somebody get an old priest and a wizard priest!
All I could find was a deacon and this homeless guy who thinks his left foot is a dragon.
Rite! All You “Hermits” Clear Out!
I thought he just had some phlegm he needed to cough up…
No no no, I heard this at the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church out on Route 19. He’s speaking in tongues! He’s got the Spirit!
You know, spewit. Bwavwado. A twotch of dawing dwoo.
Spirits? Aye, Lagavaulin and Laphroaig, ane dram quaiches tae!
Dear Wossname,
I am not interested in your services, but I am interested in learning about your tremendous success. You see, I specialize in smudging excursions. My particular area of expertise happens to be baptisiums, but I have been known to wander the moors searching for hand fastings.
Alas, there just aren’t that many good hand-fasters anymore. Why, I remember when fast handing would take you places….usually accompanied by uniformed officials…but places, nonetheless. Anymore, you just can’t find a good baptisium hand-faster you can count on. Sigh…I miss the good old days.
So, Wossname, if you could see your way clear to allow me a few moments of your time…perhaps over a cup of tea…we could discuss perorations for my upcoming christening into the wonderful Wiccan world of Wossname the Magnificent.
I humbly await your pie,
Xenia Recordia
Keeper of Figtail Feifings and;
Apprentice-in-Training, Smudge Excursion Baptisium Hand-Fasting Society of Lower Glasgow
There are a lot of smudge excursions in my house. Other people call it crop dusting, but still. You could come have tea at my house and learn a lot!
handfasting = tying the knot = marriage ceremony (ritual). Here is an interesting example of one: Our Handfasting.
Matt keeps using that word. I don’t think it means what he thinks it means.
*shudder* “Handfasting” & “smudging” are putting creepy images in my head. My commute was too long into work today, my brain is in dark places.
Prehaps you need a blessing and a moor…
sKudos for Pratchettian use of Wossname. Me I’m into smudging excursions – so much better than brass rubbing (my brass kept getting sore)
Smudge Excursions is the name of my Blur cover band.
I put on my robe and wizard hat…
Can I interest you in a +5 Sword of Babtisium?
TM, is that you?
Where are my slippers?
I think we need to sign up for a group excursion & smudging.
Also, how on earth did Matt manage to spell “perorations” correctly when he can’t even spell “more”? Or was he going for “preparations” and accidentally managed to spell an actual word instead?
The second thing you said, I think.
“perorations”
So… two rations? Seems like if you’re throwing a party you’ll be needing food for more than just two people. Maybe it’s that hand fasting thing.
Some chips and dip for me but none for my hand, thanks. It’s on a diet.
I’m curious as to how Sparky reconciles the monotheism of Christianity with the duotheism/pantheism of Wicca, since the two are often mutually exclusive of each other. If Grand Wizard Sparky has managed to reconcile the religious differences of two diverse groups, he could make a small fortune as a negotiator – or on the talk-show/personal appearance circuit – rather than trying to bilk money out of people over CraigsList.
Or he’s just some idiot who got ordained over the Internet and decided to set up shop for himself and can’t afford his own website yet.
Two Words: Triune God.
/wiccancorey/ Interestingly enough, my (still-friggin’) unpublished manuscript centers around an elderly woman, versed in Wicca, who is Christian. It’s not the focus of the story, but a sidebar. However, in the story she uses wiccan knowledge of plants and herbs for healing. She also teaches her young apprentice – my protagonist – about respecting nature and all of God’s creations….so, yeah it can be done without worlds colliding. /endwiccancorey/
A Christian who uses Wiccan knowledge/lore but still considers themselves a Christian is possible, but Sparky is claiming to be able to perform Wiccan “rights readings and ceremonies” using the Christian trinity – which to me would make them Christian rites, not Wiccan ones. I think he just threw in the single mention of Wicca as a way to add a little “New Age” feel to his ad.
Ahh…I see, said the blind, unpublished author.
Now wait…I just cleaned up all the smudges from the LAST peroration two months ago…not easy in a room without water. And do you KNOW the cost of babtisium these days? You used to get it 3 for $1 at the corner market, but now I need to go all the way to TriBeCa and haggle with the manager for just a pinch… someone needs to think of these things. Wicca is just fine for people who are not CLEAN and who lie and say one thing and do another…but not me, I’m an easygoing guy, but these Harry Potter shenanigans sound like a lot of touching will be going on (handfasting, forsooth!)
“And now the great seer, soothsayer, sage and former Charlie Sheen manager, Matthew Collins The Clueless!”
*holds envelope up to turban, looks wise and thoughtful*
“A box of rocks.”
*rips open envelope, reads paper inside*
“What is the only thing dumber than your average Sparky!”
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will cause my ceremonies to appear ineffective and meaningless.
But what if I dont want a preformed right reading? I prefer mine custom fit.
Sorry, all fit one size.
No Coke, Pepsi!
No soup for you!
Does performing wiccan rites in the name of christianity mean like “the power of spice christ compels you to sacrifice this chicken”?
Sorta. Replace “sacrifice” with “slow rotisserie roast” and I think you’ve got it.
Blasphemous Chickens is the name of IF’s The Yardbirds tribute band.
I just sacrificed a chicken in the name of our lord, Babe’s (a local eatery that makes awesome fried chicken). Can I get a amen!
Sing it, Sister!
As long as it’s not baby ducks. *sniff*
“the power of spice christ compels you to sacrifice this chicken”
I always preferred Sporty Christ ’cause He was in such good shape.
I prefer Sweet & Sour Christ – you get free chicken nuggets at communion!
Scuba Jesus died for our fins.
Bad Spellcheck! Bad!
Scuba Jebus dived for our fins!
I think what shocks me most about today’s post is that the llamanun (BBUH) advising the use of Wikipedia. Wikipedia makes most of my professors turn red, foam at the mouth, and issue forth an entertaining and somewhat informative slew slew of profanities.
I think Wikipedia is probably better than no research at all… if only just.
[pro researcher corey]
I actually use Wikipedia on occasion as a place to start in some of the research I do for work, but rather than a reliance on the main article itself (though I will say I’ve encountered ones that are quite well done and well-supported in terms of documentation), I see if there’s one that addresses our interest and then see what its links and footnotes are, which is subjective and not always available, but if its an area where we don’t have a lot of background it can work as a decent introduction to a concept, and, if lucky, may have links to the governmental agencies or other associated entities that can be used to find more information from the official source.
My personally favorite articles, however, are usually ones where footnoting is minimal and the talk pages look like a battlefield, but I am also not reading them for research.
[/pro researcher corey]
Agreed. I love reading the talk pages, especially the ones on articles about extraterrestrials and similar subjects.
And while I wouldn’t call it “research,” Wikipedia is always my first stop for any subject about which I know absolutely nothing.
Wikipedia is a good starting place, but I would never use as my only source. I like to check the citations for more credible and reliable sources.
Exactly. It’s not the end, it’s the means to what you hope might be something that tells you where the end is.
I wonder where you can get a Doctorate in “Divinitry”. Hogwarts, perhaps? It does say he’s a wizard.
“Excursion babtisium!”
Isn’t divinitry the act of being Divine? Maybe Wizard Matt has a degree in imitating a large, hilarious drag queen.
Or majored in Divining and can foresee the future – if so he should have seen that he would end up on YSaC. I hope he saved the receipt for his diploma.
I thought it had to do with making candy and fudge. 8) Mmmm, Fudge!
[Harry Potter corey] The professor at Hogwarts that taught Divination was found out to be a crock. [/Harry Potter corey]
Couldn’t resist showing off my geekiness.
Taco’s Hobby: Adding incorrect information and fake citations to Wikipedia articles during finals week.
Wait … So George W. Bush isn’t a time-traveler from the year 3000 sent back in time to fight Martians from the planet Venus?
Nope. The Martians are from Neptune.
First YSaCer
When shall we three do work again
Smudging, babtisiums, hand fastin’?
Second YSaCer
When the snarking’s done,
When Sparkies are no more fun.
Third YSaCer
That will be ne’re, or CL be gone.
Enter Sparky:
Sparky: Divinity to be wish’d. To post, to sleep; To sleep: interpret my dream: ay, there’s the rub.
Lady Sparkette: On the spot! ten, I say!—One; two, moor! Note:
’tis Matt no bot.—You’ll need to pay.
to be cont….
Divinitry is IF’s Divinyls Christian Barbershop Quartet.
But how can you “touch yourself” if you’re hand fasting??
Quickly.
Ohhh… THAT kind of fast!
Which is cheesier:
1) being handfasted or married at an SCA event;
2) being married by an Elvis impersinator; or
3) letting Wizard Matt anywhere near your relationship?
Discuss.
:presses buzzer:
What is “Lionel is the cheesiest,”
AlexTankerbell?This is cheesier than cheesy:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/3210
Thank you, thank you very much.
Damn it. I just have five items. Seriously. Five. I’m gonna be here forever. Why don’t they do something about this wedding in the express lane?
But I was handfasted at an SCA event. It was nice, not cheesey. The queen came and everything. It wasn’t our official wedding, just the wedding between our persona.
Oh, Windy, since I am so fond of you I must apologize for comparing your handfasting to the Lionel Ritchie head.
Truthfully, I have not actually insulted your handfasting, though of course I pretended to. To be honest, I must admit to thinking if I ever got married again I would consider a medieval wedding at an event. I’ve had the big summer wedding and the small Christmas wedding, so it seems like the final frontier. But since I have chosen wisely and I quite like Mr. Tank, I am keeping him. So maybe our personae will have to be handfasted at an event.
All is well, Tank-girl. 8) I was pretty sure you meant to say RenFair instead of SCA. That would be really cheesey!
Drizzle, drazzle, drozzle, drome.
Time for this one to go home!
I think Sparky’s using the ancient Christian tradition of stealing pagan celebrations and commandeering them “in the name of the Christian trinity.” After all, that’s why Christmas is in December and Dio de los Muertos is in November… basically because if priests had to be celibate then nobody could celebrate.
Also when he says “in the name of” all I keep thinking is Marvin the Martian claiming Planet X in the name of Mars… isn’t that lovely?
*sniff* That’s so loverly. I can imagine Casper being the best man.
Perhaps I need a seance of humor to give ghostcat her Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Gerald Gardner!