YSaC, Vol. 1469: Doctor, doctor, can’t you see I’m burning, burning?

2013 March 14

Nice Lady to attend doctor visit with young man

I’m 32/m straight professional
Just want to impress my doctor/ u may even like her too.
I need to ease our close feelings..
I had previously considered switching doctors because I moved to [location] for my new federal job..
She seemed very sad, I had no idea she would b.I gave her a valentine card.. She judged the cover.
Inside thanks her for making world better place..
She thanked me the next visit, but i need to add more space..

Pretend to be my gf
Not asking u to touch me but would tip u 4 that.
Wait and Visit is less than an hour
Will pay $20 up front. Tip after
No visit scheduled yet
Hope u r in [other location]
Reply with your availability and photo is a must,
Then text [numbers two zero eight zero numbers]
If ad is still up, gig is still available

Doctor, Doctor, gimme the news
I got a bad case of creepin’ on you
No girl’s gonna make me less a churl
I got a bad case of creepin’ on you.

Thanks, Lisa!

30 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 March 14

    Doctor: I have your lab results, Mr. Sparks. Your girlfriend better come in with you. She’s going to need treatment as well. Don’t touch anything. I burned the card, just in case, and we have a hazmat team coming to redo the lobby.

    Fake Girlfriend: This is going to cost you extra.

    Adores: 16
  2. 2013 March 14
    Elizabeth permalink

    OK, this seems like someone has way, way too much of either one thing: money or time. Or both. And no life.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 March 14

      Which accounts for about ninety-five percent of CraigsList. The rest is spam and porn.

      Adores: 8
    • 2013 March 14
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      And way too little touch with reality.

      Adores: 2
  3. 2013 March 14

    So, I take it “ease our close feelings” is what all the youngsters are callin’ it these days?

    Adores: 5
  4. 2013 March 14

    Not satisified with stalking women based on their purses, Creepy(Probably)Naked Guy has now resorted to random acts of extreme creeposity in the medical field.

    He didn’t say what type doctor she is, but my money is on someone in the psyche field.

    And, I’m further betting that CNG does not look the least bit like Kevin Costner.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 March 14
      CapnMac permalink

      Ick–had not even thought of that level of squick until just now.
      Not just to creep on some woman, but to be told to get naked with her?
      Even gowned (Seinfeld reference here applies) is not enough.

      gack! Just realized I was guilty of cultural bias in pronoun selection–after “Doc, Doc, my boogie-woogie is blue; look at it please, please” it does not matter what it being pointed ‘at’ or to whom pointed towards, either.

      leaves to dig a deep hole and pull it in atop me . . .

      Adores: 3
  5. 2013 March 14
    camille permalink

    I’m so glad to know that the Manti Te’o incident hasn’t put a damper on the Fake Girlfriend industry.

    Adores: 13
  6. 2013 March 14
    DigitalAxis permalink

    I have read the post several times and the only way this entire enterprise makes any sense is if the DOCTOR is hitting on Mr. Sparkles.

    Which I’m sure she is. In his mind.

    Points for trying to put space between you and your apparently polite doctor, minus several points for doing it the wrong way.

    My money is on two outcomes:
    1. It fails, because his bond with the doctor is “so strong”.
    B. It succeeds, but now Sparky is irresistably “pursued” by the lady he hired.
    Dark Horse: The doctor is pleased with the lady. “Excellent, my obedient minion,” she cackles. “Now, all we need is the brain, and the experiments will begin! Oh, the fools, they laughed at me, but who’s laughing now? Muahahahaha!” And so on.

    Adores: 16
  7. 2013 March 14
    tigprincess permalink

    Hey Sparky, it’ll cost you way more than $20 for me to feel you up in front of your doctor … for fees check out my website http://www.brainlesswhorestotip.com

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 14
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Am I the only one a little disappointed that said website doesn’t exist?

      Adores: 12
  8. 2013 March 14
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Ten bucks says that Valentine’s Day card was made from human skin.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 14

      And the sentiment written in er…um…bodily fluids.

      It puts the lotion on its skin. It puts the lotion in the basket.


      Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 14

      She judged the cover.

      And now we must punish her.

      Adores: 4
      • 2013 March 14

        Isn’t putting up with Sparky on a semi-regular basis punishment enough?

        Adores: 4
  9. 2013 March 14

    Dr. Jugs: Sparky, I’m afraid I have some bad news.

    Sparky: Oh, Doctor, is it serious?

    Dr. Jugs: Your girlfriend has the second most severe case of nymphomania ever diagnosed.

    Fake Girlfriend: Is that why I have this terrible fear of clothing?

    Dr. Jugs: I’m afraid so.

    Sparky: Oh, no! This is terrible! The worst case of nymphomania ever diagnosed!

    Dr. Jugs: No. I said the second worst. The worst case was successfully treated and even went to Scantily Clad School of Erotic Medicine.

    Sparky: *gasp* You don’t mean…?!?

    Dr. Jugs: That’s right. And I’m prescribing some group therapy right now.

    /Sparky fantasy

    Adores: 9
    • 2013 March 14

      You seem to have put a lot of thought into this, D.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 March 14

        Well, I, uh… that is… I mean…

        Adores: 7
        • 2013 March 14
          Windrose permalink

          D, my copyright lawyer will be contacting you about your use of Fake Girlfriend, or we can settle out of court for $20 plus tip.

          Adores: 1
        • 2013 March 14

          Pfft. You and I both know Fake Girlfriend is still owned by the Arthur Conan Doyle Literary Estate.

          Adores: 1
  10. 2013 March 14
    Ralph permalink

    “…because I moved to [location] for my new federal job.” = Sparky is on work-release for his last scam and the doctor is a shrink he’s trying to con?

    The pathology needs more pathos.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2013 March 14

    Right. Because hitting on your doctor while you have a girlfriend (fake or not) is much less creepy than hitting on your doctor if you are single. Doctors love cheating skeezes.

    Adores: 1
  12. 2013 March 15

    kelli and mudsy, I want you to think about what you did that landed you in the box. Now go out and do it some more! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Fakirs!

    Adores: 0
  13. 2013 March 15
    Flavia permalink

    Why do I feel like “add more space” wasn’t a commentary on his penmanship?

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.