YSaC, Vol. 1492: Wordhippo fails again

2013 April 16
by dan

Old used soap (Used)


I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia. In old times, there were less mean stuff that dried out my lions. Now I am in search of LEVER 2000 series 1992. I do not object to something similar if you know what I mean. I just want something or someone to clean all of my 2000 parts without threatening my existence. It has been scientifically proven that 75% of your dust is your dead shredded skin cannibalism. It is so forth natural to bullshit scientist. They say this is okay, as they fill your head full of Benadryl and Zyrtec. I’m not buying that taco. Who’s coming with me. I need your soapy lather goodness. Trust me I know your MOM!!!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SUFFER FLESH EATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Also I’m a very educated investor. I can give you a job. I have a cat named PRETTY. She needs an affectionate home with people that can make her feel beautiful. I’ve wasted all my tears, I keep holding on.

Today, I shall attempt to grapple with this particular pile of batshit crazy using the magic of poetry.

First, a cinquain:

Fearful
Modern cleaners
Make my privates arid
I look for ancient lever soap
Pretty

Next, I shall attempt to distill the essence of this post into a Haiku:

My cat is pretty
I’m not buying that taco
I keep holding on

What about some Ogden Nash style doggerel?

A man who washes in Lever,
Leaves women a-queever.
But if your cat is named pretty
It’s a pity.

How about a sonnet?

The modern soap I use is full of fear
And shredded skin upon me doth oer-lie.
I think of LEVER and I shed a tear
In olden times my lion was not dry.
Science hath shown our dust doth eat itself
But science too is naught but bull ca-ca.
So pray investigate your highest shelf
And while you’re at it say hi to your ma.
Seek my advice if money you would save,
My pretty cat can join you in your cave.

Or perhaps a limerick?

There once was a poster on Craigslist
Who..

Dammit.

Thanks for the post, Lyndsay! (And in case you were wondering, this was posted under “gigs”)

50 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 April 16
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Thanks for the tip! I cannot begin to describe the problems I’ve had drying out my lions. I already have enough trouble finding gazelles to distract them while I sneak up from behind with a bucket of soapy lemon water…

    Adores: 19
    • 2013 April 16

      Digi, by any chance did you get those “lions” on CL? And do they have stripes?

      Adores: 5
    • 2013 April 16
      mudslicker permalink

      I find that pressing my lions between the pages of a substantially sized KJ bible dries them out perfectly AND ensures that the smites will be taken care of as well.

      Adores: 7
  2. 2013 April 16

    Wonder why I am having so much trouble selling this taco?

    Maybe I’m charging too much? I’ll try to stand back and let the customer approach me.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 April 16
      CapnMac permalink

      13th Amendment, probably . . .

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 April 16

      Trying calling it a “rehoming fee”.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 April 16
      Bombdude permalink

      Maybe you’re standing on the wrong…

      *Corner!*

      Adores: 5
      • 2013 April 16
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        It’s not taco tuesday, obviously.

        Adores: 1
  3. 2013 April 16

    This, kids, is your brain on Lever 2000.

    Adores: 14
    • 2013 April 16

      My brain is on Benedryl and Zyrtec, thank you very much. Now, where did I put my breakfast burrito? (Because the taco, well, you know.)

      Adores: 6
    • 2013 April 16

      Back in 1992, Lever 2000 was the soap of the future. But in 2013 it just looks dated. I remember using it, and having to keep a checklist of all my 2,000 parts just to make sure I scrubbed them all. Especially the human genitalia. But nowadays I’m pretty sure there’s an app that does that for you.

      Adores: 13
      • 2013 April 16
        P-Rex permalink

        I never date soap.
        It’s too hard to raise the bar.
        LEVER in the tub.

        Adores: 5
        • 2013 April 17

          Ow. I didn’t get that at first reading. Ow. I didn’t know how lucky I was then. Ow.

          Adores: 1
  4. 2013 April 16

    Trust me I know your MOM!!!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SUFFER FLESH EATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Well, you got me there, Sparky. I’m almost positive that my mother is against cannibalism.

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 April 16
      Grumpy Grammy permalink

      And my mother died and was cremated exactly 5 years ago.

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 April 16
      PhantomBanker permalink

      Am I the only one that misread that as “FLESH EATING CIRCUMCISIONS”?

      Adores: 2
  5. 2013 April 16

    I need your soapy lather goodness.

    I think I’ve found today’s Phrase of the Day.

    Adores: 19
    • 2013 April 16

      I have not a phrase Sharp enough to compete with that, but then, I’ve wasted all my Simply Red references.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 April 16
      CapnMac permalink

      Soapy Lather Goodness is:

      A Professional Service, $40 extra, same as in Town;

      and

      IF’s Palmolives* cover band.

      _________________________________________
      Considered The Snow Whites, but, they are a much more obscure scat band, and not given to rhyme thereby.

      Adores: 3
  6. 2013 April 16

    Whoa! 75% of dust is cannibalism of skin?

    Well, I guess the lotion is already in the basket then.

    Adores: 9
    • 2013 April 16
      camille permalink

      I’m not buying that, Taco.

      Adores: 22
      • 2013 April 16
        CapnMac permalink

        Neither is Sparky . . .

        Adores: 0
      • 2013 April 16
        Windrose permalink

        One Brazillion Points for camille! 8) I was so hoping someone would get to say that.

        Adores: 1
    • 2013 April 16
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Yabbut if it’s cannibalized, how does it become dust? Unless we’re talking about the dreaded intestinal dust. I’m not buying it either. At least 50% of dust is dried out lions. The rest is Benadryl and Zyrtec.

      Adores: 4
  7. 2013 April 16
    nojazzhere permalink

    “I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia.” I can’t find that aisle in my Walmart. I use Lever 2000 ( honestly!) but I never thought to try in on human genitalia. But I don’t want to get too “icky” down there, you know. Maybe I’ll visit the feminine shelves; I just get so embarassed.

    Adores: 4
  8. 2013 April 16
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Shredded Skin Cannibalism is the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band!

    Adores: 11
  9. 2013 April 16
    mudslicker permalink

    Holy Iambic Pentameter Trochee, Batman! That was the best commentary you have ever submitted, dan!

    😀

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 April 16
      Kogarashi permalink

      Indeed, I’m almost speechless in awe of that beautiful sonnet.

      Adores: 2
  10. 2013 April 16

    Sparky wouldn’t have to waste all his tears if he was just more careful about not getting soap in his eyes.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2013 April 16
    SpaceBug permalink

    There once was a poster on Craigslist
    Who’s dried lions with which they were pissed
    A soapy lather goodness
    Be mean chemical fuelless
    Sought to clean off their genital cyst.

    Adores: 3
  12. 2013 April 16
    CapnMac permalink

    Act 0, Scene √-1 The Void betwixt Cleanliness and Tex-Mex
    [exeunt sanity; Sparky entré sinister]

    Forsooth, in tortured rage suppress-ed,
    yet not stilled nor silence-ed–
    O foul generative bits, such nether loins,
    foul funk reek-t,
    Agin which no modern laving suffice
    And, so seek cleansers of Yore.
    Ere privates freed of dusty leavings
    of base Dermis canibalizing,
    Be set upon solemn frothy task,
    To yet find lathered loins a’cleanse-ed be.
    A most fine cat, my Pretty.

    Adores: 13
  13. 2013 April 16
    Ralph permalink

    No soap, radio.

    Adores: 2
  14. 2013 April 16
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    I got 1999 parts, but a lion ain’t one.

    Adores: 9
  15. 2013 April 16
    One Moving Violation permalink

    In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
    Columbus sailed the ocean blue
    He washed his lions with monkey poo
    and too, his genitalia.

    In nineteen hundred and ninety-two
    We don’t use any more monkey poo
    My lions are dry, my skin is too
    and too, my genitalia.

    In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
    The YSaC Volume where you are too
    My lions are PRETTY and so are you
    But not my genitalia.

    Adores: 18
  16. 2013 April 16
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    It is so forth natural to bullshit scientist.

    You etc. don’t know what you’re talking about.

    -Bullshit Scientist

    Adores: 3
  17. 2013 April 16
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Trust me I know your MOM!!!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SUFFER FLESH EATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

    I call bullshit scientist. You don’t know my mom. There have been many circumstances where my mom has cooked me flesh to eat.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 April 16

      Usually with rice and gravy. My Mom makes awesome flesh gravy.

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 April 16
        One Moving Violation permalink

        Grilled tenderlions?

        Adores: 2
    • 2013 April 16
      mudslicker permalink

      “Flesh Eating Circumstances” is the Broadway musical version of the saga of the downfall of the Donner party.

      Adores: 3
  18. 2013 April 16
    limelolly permalink

    I’m still struggling to get past the squick of ‘old used soap’.

    Talk about your dried up lions…. eww.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 April 16
      Brer Fox permalink

      What’s wrong with lion jerky?

      Adores: 3
  19. 2013 April 16
    Brer Fox permalink

    I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia.
    I don’t put chemicals on my gemicals. They’re not human, they’re vulpine genitalia.

    In old times, there were less mean stuff that dried out my lions.
    Like lye soap?

    Ther must be 1992 ways to love your LEVER!

    I just want something or someone to clean all of my 2000 parts without threatening my existence.
    What’s wrong with a vixen with her teeth at my throat as she washes my 2000 parts? Huh?

    It has been scientifically proven that 75% of your dust is your dead shredded skin cannibalism.
    It has been scientifically proven that 100% of your dust is dust. Warning: Drying agent. Do not eat.

    I’ve never Benadryl, but I have been known to drill something or someone now and then.

    I’m not buying that taco.
    That’s because I’ve already bought the whole enchilada.

    I can give you a job.
    I got yer job right HERE!

    I have a cat named PRETTY.
    That’s just her first name. Her last name is SAD, because she’s stuck with you. And you’re right. She does need an affectionate home.

    I’ve wasted all my tears, I keep holding on.
    Quit crying about it and just let it go.
    Sheesh!

    Adores: 6
  20. 2013 April 16
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Three dry lions
    Three dry lions
    See their skin flake
    See their skin flake
    They used to get dry with a shake and the sun
    Now they get dry with a blow dryer gun
    They suffer split ends when their mane-do is done
    These three dry lions

    Adores: 4
  21. 2013 April 16
    tigprincess permalink

    Dan, even if you’d used the medium of modern dance to explain that load of LEVER-ty I’d still be none the wiser.

    Adores: 1
  22. 2013 April 16
    Ralph permalink

    There once was a poster on Craigslist,
    Who naturally bullshitted a scientist.
    They say this is okay,
    As they soap him today,
    But his lions are dried by a catalyst.

    Adores: 4
  23. 2013 April 16
    Grumpy Grammy permalink

    Sparky, Sparky, Sparky; it’s Not.A.Lion!

    Adores: 4
  24. 2013 April 16
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Just sit right back and hear a tale
    A tale of a cannibal
    Who loves used soap
    My lions I do grope
    Cat and your mom say don’t waste your tears
    On flesh eating fears
    Dusty tacos pull the lever
    On dusty zyrtec fever
    It’s scientific no brainer
    My dirty soap post could get no profainer

    Adores: 1
  25. 2013 April 17

    C “”J, arallyn, remember that today is Hump Day, not Stabby Day. And every day is Punchity Punch Punch Day!

    Good Morning, Soap Fans!

    Adores: 0

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